Chapter 8
“Mikey Smiles,” Brenda calls, “come on up here. Let’s see what you can do.”
They’re in one of Brenda’s classes and, though Mikey adores her, he’s also a little terrified of her, too. Though she is often encouraging, she can also be a hardass. She has very high expectations, and she expects everyone to meet them.
Mikey looks to Luke, who gives him a smile–the one only the two of them share–and a thumbs up. It gives him the strength to get up there and show what he’s made of.
You can do it, Mikey. You don’t have to be afraid of your own voice anymore.
Truth be told, Mikey has always had a bit of an ambivalent relationship to his own voice.
He’s a natural tenor–and a high one–and while he knows a voice like his can take him far, in the places Mike’s lived it’s been something other boys have picked on him for, at least outside the music room.
It’s only here, at NACA, he thinks he’s likely to get the praise he probably deserves.
Even so, it’s terrifying getting up there in front of everyone. What if Luke hates his voice? What if everyone laughs at him?
You’re just gonna have to take a risk.
He stands at the front of the class and looks out at them and, as Miss Brenda and Luke and all the rest of them look back at him, he takes a deep breath.
Standing there, he decides on a whim to sing one of his favorite songs: Queen’s “Somebody to Love.” It’s an ambitious choice, but he feels good about it. With Luke sitting out there in the audience, he can do anything.
As soon as he opens his mouth, Mikey goes into the zone.
He’s only ever been in it a few times, and he knows it when he feels it, knows he’s going to hit all those high notes just the right way.
He’s barely aware of what he’s supposed to be singing; he just lets the music take him where it wants to.
Every so often, though, he sees Luke, and the look of amazement on his face gives him the confidence to keep going, way past the point where his breath usually gives out.
It’s good to be hitting all of the right notes, his voice gliding along, managing to do exactly what he wants it to do. He closes his eyes, but he’s still aware of Luke’s gaze.
When he finishes he’s left feeling a little wrung out, but he’s grinning like an idiot.
At first there’s nothing but silence. Then, slowly, Luke starts to clap, and then the rest of the class follows suit, until they’re all doing it. It’s the most exhilarating thing Mikey’s ever experienced and, as he looks again at Luke, he thinks life is pretty damn near perfect.
He meets up with Luke after class, and he’s absolutely beaming.
“You were amazing,” he says as soon as they’re outside of NACA. “Like, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything like your voice. It was just…I had no idea you could sing like that.”
He keeps going on like this for quite a while.
“Thanks,” Mikey says at last. “It was pretty awesome.”
They make their way down to the banks of the Ohio River, the summer heat strong enough he’s glad he decided to wear shorts. He’s glad Luke did, too, especially since the ones he’s wearing show off his legs.
All the while Mikey thinks about how nice it is to have someone take him for him, someone who really understands him and doesn’t try to force him to be something he isn’t.
He knows he puts on a brave front for the world, but the truth is there are many times, especially lately, where Mikey just wants to be accepted for who he is without a whole bunch of expectations.
He just wishes he had a better idea of what exactly they are to each other. Are they boyfriends? He’s afraid to ask. What if Luke tells him they’re nothing more than friends with benefits? Or what if trying to pin it down destroys what they have?
They come to the banks of the river, and neither of them says anything for a while. They just stand there, listening to the soft lap of the water against the shore, the faint roar of traffic in the distance, the shrill but melodic call of a red-winged blackbird in the distance.
“I wanna thank you,” Luke says quietly, staring out at the water instead of at Mikey.
“Oh yeah? For what?”
“For taking me as I am,” Luke says, and Mikey smiles a bit at the reference to Rent. One of the biggest surprises Luke has delivered has been the fact he’s a fan of musicals. Rent, Wicked, Avenue Q, he’ll listen to the cast recordings of all of them.
“What?” he’d asked when Mikey had first told him how surprised he was to hear about this particular interest. “Can’t a country boy like musicals?”
Mikey had to concede he had a point.
His heart is filled to bursting and so, before he can second-guess himself, he reaches out and takes Luke’s hand in his own.
There’s a second where he’s certain Luke is going to pull it back, but then he tightens his own grip, and the warmth flowing between them is comforting. Mikey feels like he’s home.
“You’re welcome, by the way,” Mikey says at last, belatedly remembering he hadn’t responded to Luke’s comment a few minutes earlier. “For what it’s worth, I also think you’re great just the way you are.”
“I think other than Aunt Patty you’re the only one who does,” Luke says softly.
Mikey doesn’t say anything. He knows Luke’ll tell him what he wants him to know.
“It’s tough, sometimes, being the man my parents and my brothers want me to be,” Luke says quietly into the heavy dusk.
“I try. I really do. But they all want me to sing about trucks and beer and startin’ shit, and while I like those kinds of songs, sometimes, I want to do other stuff, too.
Like I told you, I wanna sing about my aunt and the other women who make this Valley special.
I wanna sing about things to make people proud.
I wanna sing about why I love being a West Virginia boy.
“My dad asked me if I was a fag, because I wanted to spend so much of my time talkin’ about that shit. And he threw out my cast recording CDs. Made sure my brothers stomped on them first, though.”
Anger boils up in Mikey at this. His parents might not always be the most accepting of people–he’s heard them say some homophobic stuff–but he can’t imagine them using a slur around him.
But maybe they would if they knew the truth about you.
Still, the thought of anyone, particularly Luke’s family, being cruel to him makes him want to drive right up to the ridge and give the Carters a piece of his mind.
Luke doesn’t need him spouting off his mouth, though, and so Mikey pushes away his anger and offers sympathy, instead.
“I’m sorry,” he says simply. “That really sucks.”
“Yeah,” Luke says, “it does.”
And that’s that.
After spending a little more time at the riverbank they get into Mikey’s car and go to one of the more isolated ridges. This is their little ritual, their little oasis. They never do much more than kiss, but it’s enough to get Mikey’s blood pumping.
They first came here right after their encounter in the gazebo. Mikey had asked Luke if he knew of anywhere more private the two of them could go, somewhere where they weren’t likely to be interrupted by folks from NACA and Luke had ended up bringing him to the back end of nowhere.
Mikey takes them to their usual spot, and it’s not long before they’re going at it hot and heavy.
Luke is even more intense than usual, and Mikey starts to wonder if they might actually go all the way this time.
Their hands are all over each other, and their shirts are off, and they’re both starting to sweat.
Just when it seems like they’re going to take it to the next level, however, Luke pulls back.
Mikey tries not to act too disappointed; the last thing he wants to do is make Luke feel pressured into doing something he doesn’t want to.
“I’m sorry,” Luke says, picking up on some of what he’s feeling.
“It’s okay,” he says, and he’s surprised to find he actually means it. “You have nothing to be sorry about,” he continues.
“I have to tell you something,” Luke says, and Mikey immediately tenses up.
“I wanna say I love you,” Luke says, “but I don’t think we’re ready.
” He laughs a bit. “I know I’m not. But…
what I wanna ask is…will you go out with me?
As boyfriends? We don’t have to tell anyone.
It can be our own little secret. But…I don’t know.
I just kinda wanna make it official, even if it’s just between the two of us. ”
At first Mikey isn’t sure what to say. This is just what he’s been wanting, but now Luke’s asked the question, he can’t quite get his brain or his mouth to work.
With each passing second Luke is looking more hurt. He opens his mouth–almost certainly to tell Mikey to forget about it–and then Mikey makes a choice.
He leans in and gives Luke a deep, passionate kiss, one which Luke eagerly returns. As soon as he pulls away he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.
“Yes, Luke Carter. I’ll go out with you.” He pauses, then goes on. “But is it really okay if we just keep it secret?”
Luke’s face betrays a bit of disappointment, but he immediately recovers.
“I told ya it was, and I meant it. We can figure out all the rest later.”
Mikey’s not quite sure he believes him, but it's good enough for now.
He starts to lean in to give Luke another kiss–and maybe take things further?
–when a big truck comes swerving around the turn up the road, and Luke jerks back like he’s been burned.
Mikey is terrified they’ve been seen–it was so close the day at the gazebo, and he’s been terrified of being discovered ever since–but whoever it is keeps barrelling down the road, kicking up a lot of gravel.
“Whew,” he says, before he can think better of it, “that was close, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Luke says, looking sullenly out the window, “it was.”
“What’s wrong?” Mikey asks, even though he knows, or thinks he knows, the answer.
Luke whirls around to face him again, a world of hurt in his eyes.
“You know what’s fuckin’ wrong,” he says, gesturing toward where the dust-cloud from the truck is still visible.
Mikey tries to think of something to say to take the sting out of what just happened. The more he tries, though, the more he fails to come up with anything.
Why does it always have to be so hard?
“I’m sorry,” he says at last, aware of how weak and limp the words sound. “I really am. I know it’s hard for both of us. We just have to be careful, y’know?”
“I know that pretty well,” Luke says, turning back the window.
They sit in silence for a few more minutes, neither of them able to get over the gulf opening up between them. They’re boyfriends now, or at least they were a few minutes ago, but things are even more muddled and confused than they were before.
“Can you take me home?” Luke asks.
Mikey frowns, but Luke’s right. The moment is pretty well ruined. Maybe things’ll be better tomorrow.
A silence settles down between the two of them as he drives Luke back to his place. When they’re about five minutes away, though, Luke reaches out and puts his hand on Mikey’s knee.
“We’ll be okay,” he says. “I don’t know how, but we will.”
Mikey doesn’t know just why Luke has changed his mind, but he’s not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. If Luke can see a path forward, then so can he. He puts his hand over Luke’s and smiles.
“Yeah,” he says, “we will.”
And, strangely enough, he believes it.
Later in the evening, he sneaks back into his house, grateful to not have to deal with his parents. He slides into bed and, as he does so, he thinks again about all of the unanswered questions.
They’re still there in the morning when he wakes up and starts his day, and they’re still there when he drives down to NACA. When he sees Luke standing outside waiting for him, though, he manages to push them aside for a bit. He knows it’s only a temporary fix but, for now, it will have to do.
They share a brief hug and then go inside, and another day at NACA begins.