Chapter 20
They freshened up a bit, showering briefly and throwing on the clothes they’d been wearing before the mucking. Fortunately the inspiration was still sparking in Luke’s head and, if anything, the slight delay had made him even more excited to be collaborating with Mikey.
However, any illusions Luke had about whether things with Mikey were going to be easy when it came to their collaboration were dashed when they actually sat down to grapple with the actual nuts and bolts of writing a song.
He’d thought, given the tenor of their conversations and given their session in the truck on the way here, things might have changed when it came to Mikey's perspective on tradition versus the new, but that was clearly not the case.
As they worked through these new lyrics, it quickly became clear they had very different understandings of what a country song might sound like.
Luke, of course, wanted to tell a simple song–using just a pair of guitars, perhaps a fiddle, and some drums–but Mikey started going on about how it could be a whole production, which meant it wasn’t long before Luke’s original idea was getting drowned out in his supposed collaborator’s vision.
How come things were so easy on the way here? He thought. Why is it so difficult now?
He suspected it was because their earlier session had been less formal, and their egos had less of a chance to get in the way. Now they were in the weeds, though, things were different, and he didn’t like it.
“Look,” Mikey said finally. “I know I said we should lean into heritage and tradition, but don’t I get to have some say about how the actual new songs are going to sound? It doesn’t seem fair you get to have it all your own way, even if you are the expert on what country music sounds like.”
Luke wanted to disagree, but it was true, he wasn’t very good at compromising, certainly not when it came to music.
He’d often thought that was part of the reason the rest of the industry hadn’t really done much to help him when he got outed and left everything behind.
Why bother sticking your neck out for someone who’d repeatedly shown he was the opposite of a team player?
Luke took a deep breath to try to get his temper under control. The two of them were on good terms, and he wasn’t going to set things on fire by letting his mouth get the better of him.
“Okay,” he said. “I can see why you’d think that way, but I’m tellin’ you, as someone who’s lived here my whole life, there are still a lot of people here who remember the old days and would welcome a chance to experience them again.
If we lean too much into the modern stuff, we’re going to lose the crowd and squander this opportunity to show them how tradition doesn’t have to mean anti-gay.
” He was aware his old habit of dropping the “g” at the end of his words was creeping back more and more, but he didn’t mind.
“Take the WWVA. That was one of the most prominent music venues in the country music world for a long time. It’s been a while since it’s been a real player, obviously, and the same thing’s true of Jamboree in the Hills.
And, I mean, sure, both of those institutions were probably really conservative, and they’d probably turn their nose up at a couple of queer boys getting up on the stage, but that’s just why we need to do it.
We need to show these folks being queer–or gay or pan or bi, or whatever–is as much a part of the fabric of West Virginia as anything else.
I think we owe it to ourselves, and to those who came before and those who’ll come after, to do this. ” He paused. “We owe it to Dolly.”
He threw the last bit in as a joke, but it was true. They did owe it to Dolly, and to Loretta, and to all of the other female pioneers of country music.
These were things he’d been thinking for a long time, but it wasn’t until he actually said them and confronted just how much he disagreed with Mikey, that he realized this was what he believed.
To his surprise, Mikey actually looked like he agreed with him, or at the very least he didn’t disagree with him.
“Okay, maybe you’re right,” Mikey said. “But I still think there’s a way we can bring in some of the contemporary sound I’m used to without losing what you like so much. Can you grant me that much?”
Luke wasn’t sure he could but, as Mikey started to sketch out what the song would look like in more detail–and as Luke just sat there and actually listened with an open mind rather than rushing to dismiss it all out of hand–he started to see the ways in which it might actually work.
It wouldn’t be exactly like he’d envisioned it, but it would be pretty close.
In fact, as Mikey began singing it, using his magnificent tenor voice to bring a new kind of life to Luke’s words, he found himself imagining what it would actually sound like and, more importantly, what it would feel like to be singing it in front of a whole gathered audience at NACA.
When Mikey had managed to get through most of the song, Luke had to admit it sounded a lot better than his original version.
Damn it, he thought. Is there anything Mikey Smiles can’t make better simply by being involved?
Mikey stopped singing. To Luke’s surprise, he had a pleading on his face, clearly seeking his approval.
“How did it sound?” he asked.
He was tempted to tell Mikey it still wasn’t at all what he wanted and they should go back to what he’d originally proposed. However, it was brilliant, and he could admit it, if just to himself.
Eventually, he sort of settled on a middle road.
“It’s good,” he said. “It’s not quite what I imagined, but it’s still pretty good. I hate to admit it, let alone to you, but you’ve still got the same gift you had all those years ago.”
Mikey preened at the little bit of a compliment, and Luke was reminded with a pang of how much he’d been the same a decade ago.
He’d never really asked Mikey too much about his relationship with his parents, but he got the feeling they were very hard to please, which was why he was so desperate for approval.
“I’m glad you think so,” Mikey said. “It’s been a while since I’ve flexed my musical muscles, you know?”
“Yeah, I know the feeling,” Luke said dryly.
“Ugh. I’m sorry. I just keep putting my foot in my mouth,” Mikey said. “I really am sorry.”
Luke just waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just work on the music some more, yeah?”
They settled in to do just that, but they were now sitting very close together on the couch, and the warmth coming off Mikey was starting to be very distracting.
Luke tried–oh, how he tried–to keep his mind on the creative process, but it was impossible.
The more they got into what made the song work, and the more he heard Mikey’s sweet voice, the more he knew it was going to be impossible to keep this up.
Mikey, unsurprisingly, made the first move.
“You know,” he said, draping his arm around Luke’s shoulders, “I can practically feel you vibrating next to me. If you wanna kiss again, all you have to do is say the word.”
I wanna kiss again, Luke almost said but didn’t.
Mikey shrugged and started to pull his arm away, and then the words fell out of Luke’s mouth as if they had a mind of their own.
“I want you to kiss me again,” he said.
“I can do that,” Mikey responded, and leaned in.
Luke almost pulled away but, as the scent of Mikey overwhelmed him, he once again found himself kissing him back, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him closer.
Luke’s hands seemed to have a mind of their own, roaming all over Mikey’s body, admiring the way his muscles bunched under his skin, the way his shirt clung to him.
He definitely hasn’t gotten soft, he thought.
This makeout session was just as hot as the last one, but they took their time, each of them getting to know their bodies again, learning anew what brought the other pleasure.
At last, they pulled apart, each of them trying to get their breath and figure out what to do next, if anything.
“So, uh, you kissed me not once but twice,” Luke said.
Mikey actually looked a bit sheepish, and a blush Luke hadn’t seen in years started to creep up into his cheeks. “Yeah, I guess I did. Did you mind?”
Luke found the more vulnerable side of Mikey very appealing.
“Does it seem like I minded?” he asked coyly.
Mikey took the bait.
“It didn’t. But I sometimes don’t know what you’re thinking, Luke Carter. I don’t know if anyone has ever told you, but you’re not always very forthcoming with your feelings, which means I never quite know where I stand with you.”
In fact, many people–including some of the people who were closest to him in the whole world–had a tendency to say this to Luke, and he never really quite knew what to make of it. He tried to be open with some people, but he could never quite believe others weren’t going to try to hurt him.
“I do know, yes,” he said finally. “But I’m trying, okay. I’ve already told you more than I’d told anyone in…probably ever.”
Mikey laughed.
“Well, that’s quite the compliment, but given just how little you told me, it doesn’t say much about how forthcoming you are with other people.
” At Luke’s hurt expression he softened his voice.
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t very nice of me.
I tend to use my sense of humor to deflect from things that make me uncomfortable. ”
“And does talkin’ about my feelings make you uncomfortable?”
Mikey considered him for a moment. In fact, he didn’t say anything for so long Luke almost thought he wasn’t going to respond at all. Finally, though, he huffed out a sigh.
“You know what? They do, kind of. It’s not always easy to get to the truth of who you are, Luke, and when I do…I don’t always know what to do with what I see. I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but it’s how I feel.”
In fact, it made too much sense. The truth was, Luke also didn’t know what to do with his feelings when someone managed to get beyond the surface.
He’d spent too many years hiding behind his detachment from the world–or, more precisely, he’d spent too many years hiding from the world–which meant he was also hiding from himself.
Mikey, though, got right to the heart of the matter.
He was still one of the few people with the ability to really see Luke for who he was.
And that was very, very scary.
However, he’d gone too far to pull back now. It was time to come out of hiding.
Bryce, and my therapist, would be really proud of me right now, he thought with a smile.
“What are you smiling about?” Mikey asked.
“I was just thinking that my therapist, and my friend Bryce, would be proud of me opening up to you. They’re always telling me I should be honest about my feelings. I never believed them, but they might have a point.”
“I’d like to meet some of your friends,” Mikey said. “I…I know it is not really fair of me to ask, but maybe you could introduce me to some of them sometime? I mean, I’ve met Katrina, but it was in a professional setting. I’d like to meet her outside of her work as a tour guide.”
“I’d like that,” Luke said, unable to keep a big grin from breaking out on his face.
“You know, Luke Carter, you’re very handsome when you smile,” Mikey said. “I mean, you’re handsome when you’re scowling, too, but I kind of like seeing this more vulnerable side to you. It shows you really are human, whatever other people might say.”
“You really know how to flatter a person, don’t you?”
Mikey shrugged. “I’m just telling you the truth. Would you rather I lie?”
Luke was tired of talking. He just wanted to be close to Mikey, for them to learn how to be in the same space again, the way they had as teens.
Maybe it’s impossible. I mean, we didn’t even last long as a couple…
And that was the thing about the years separating who they were from who they had been, wasn’t it?
Their teenage romance, as potent as it had been, had always been a strange and contradictory thing.
For so long it had been the one constant in his life, the one hurt he could never recover from.
And yet, there was still so much the two of them hadn’t really gotten to explore.
They’d never had sex, for one thing, and when all was said and done they hadn’t even really had a full summer.
Maybe the lack of completion was the reason Luke had never been able to get over Mikey. He was both the one who got away and also the one who would always be the ideal of a lover and a friend. Just thinking about all they’d left behind, caused an ache just behind his breastbone.
Now, Luke was a bundle of contradictory emotions.
He wanted to be with Mikey, and he wanted the two of them to take turns fucking each other’s brains out, and he wanted them to build some kind of future together.
However, uncertainty haunted him, as he knew all too well what could happen if he indulged in those desires, and Luke Carter was never very good at dealing with uncertainty of any kind, as his whole experience with the forced outing had shown.
Thinking of his past made him realize something important.
If he was going to continue pursuing this…
whatever it was…with Mikey, he was going to have to exorcise the ghosts of his past. And in order to accomplish that he was going to have to tell Mikey exactly what happened, so he could understand why Luke had felt so betrayed.
Maybe telling him the full truth would help him heal.
“Okay,” he said. “So, I know you apologized and all, but I also need to clear the air a bit. I need to talk about what happened to me. You know. In more detail. If you want to know the true me, then you need to hear this.”
Mikey was sitting up, his eyes fixed on Luke. He actually found it rather unsettlingly perceptive.
He’d come this far, however, and he wasn’t going to back out now.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
Mikey squeezed his hands, and the gesture gave him more strength than he would’ve expected.
“I’m ready for whatever you feel comfortable sharing,” he said, and Luke actually believed him.
And so he proceeded to pour his heart out.