Chapter 23
For most of the evening after they had their mutual BJ session, the two of them just cuddled and whispered sweet nothings to each other.
Slowly but surely, Luke had coaxed Mikey into talking about his own career, particularly his era with the boy band the Heartthrobs, which was a part of his life he rarely talked about with anyone.
Oh sure, he’d written about it in his memoir, but the version of his life in the book, while honest, was almost somewhat sanitized.
Some things were just too painful to fully revisit.
Somehow, though, looking at Luke’s earnest expression gave him the strength to excavate some of the more painful parts of the boy band experience.
“In some ways they were like my brothers, or what I think having brothers must be like,” he said, brushing a strand of Luke’s hair out of his eyes.
“But in other ways, we were just strangers who got thrown together because we all looked pretty and looked pretty together.
And, as much as I loved the guys, I never really was open with them about who I truly was, even though I wanted to be.
It kinda killed me, to be honest, to be living a double life and to not be able to be honest with these men who were some of the most important people in my life.
“I guess that’s why I leaned into the party lifestyle, and why I jumped from relationship to relationship.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved some of the women I was with, but I never told any of them the truth, either.
I guess I thought if I just partied enough and just dated enough girls, somehow it would all work out, or I’d find some way of being happy, even though a part of me always screamed to be let out. ”
His chest pinched and his voice hitched as he thought back to those days, of what it was like to be on top of the world when it came to music and yet to always feel like a part of him was dying on the inside, yearning to be let out for just a bit.
“That was even true with Mindy Mace, the one girl I actually did love.”
Thinking of Mindy made him a little sad for how much time he’d wasted living a lie.
“Hey, are you okay?” Luke asked, planting a gentle kiss on his exposed bicep.
Mikey gave him what he hoped was a reassuring smile, but he was pretty sure it just came across as pained.
“I guess I am, yeah. I mean, the pain is old. And besides, the guys all ended up being pretty okay with the fact I was pan. When I finally told them, they all did the thing where they were like, ‘Oh, we knew all along and were just waiting for you to tell us.’” He barked a little laugh.
“I guess some of them probably did know I was queer, but they didn’t ever really want to talk about it.
Which, I guess it was nice of them not to try to force the issue. ”
Mikey paused, to see how Luke was going to take this, whether he might be treading too close to his own heartache and his own deeply traumatic experience with being outed. To his surprise, though, Luke didn’t look anything other than interested, his eyes holding Mikey rapt.
“How did everyone else respond when you finally came out?”
Mikey sighed.
“For the most part really well. My parents…well, they’re the same as they’ve always been. They just don’t talk about things they don’t want to, and since that means basically anything in my life, we just sort of go along as we always have.
“Other people in my life have been better. Mindy Mace–I’m sure you’ve seen her, even if you’ve never met her–well, she’s my best friend, and she told me as soon as I came out she was always going to love me and be there for me. I swear she’s a gem. I’d be lost without her.”
“And how are things with the guys now?” Luke asked, brushing right past Mindy.
This was the part of the story Mikey hadn’t talked about much, and he shied away from it.
No, we’re going to be honest with Luke, he thought. He won’t judge or be dismissive.
“Like I said, they all said they loved me and supported me. Still, things haven’t been quite the same with them as it was before I came out. I can’t help but think they look at me differently.”
Tears pricked the corners of his eyes, and he looked away, blinking rapidly.
“It’s okay, babe, I’ve got you,” Luke said, using his big arms to pull Mikey closer. That little gesture of kindness, so simple and yet so profound, was all it took to make Mikey start sobbing into his shoulder.
Ugh, I can’t believe this, he thought. Here I am making everything all about me, when Luke’s coming out was so much more traumatic. What do I have to complain about, really?
He finally got some of his composure back and tried to say this to Luke, but he just put a finger softly to his lips.
“No, you’re not going to do that,” he said.
“You’re not going to minimize your own situation.
It’s hard losing your brothers. Mine…they’re okay with who I am, though some of my sisters-in-law can be a bit of a pain about the gay thing.
And my parents, well, they’re mostly okay, now.
There’s no worse feeling than knowing, or at least feeling, like someone doesn’t love you for who you are.
I’m just glad they responded better than Aunt Patty. ”
Mikey wasn’t sure what he’d done to make someone like Luke start falling back in love with him, and he didn’t know what he’d have to do to keep whatever was taking shape between them from falling apart again but, cuddled up on the couch, he made the vow to make sure nothing came between them again.
He once again almost said the three words that would change literally everything about the bond between them, but something kept him from doing it.
It was becoming clear Luke also felt something, but Mikey couldn’t shake the fear if he actually put something into words, if he dared to nail down just what it was the two of them were doing and how they were feeling about each other, the whole thing would go up in smoke.
“Um,” Luke said, breaking into his thoughts, “I hope this doesn't come across as too sappy or anything, but I’m really enjoying having you here. I…I didn’t know whether I would or not, but even I have to admit there’s something special to you, Mikey Smiles.”
Mikey’s heart was starting to beat faster again, but he didn’t want to rush this.
“You mean you didn’t lure me up here just for sloppy BJs and musical collaboration?”
He regretted the sarcastic comment as soon as it was out of his mouth. =
“Well, one thing hasn’t changed about you, at least,” Luke said.
“You’re still a huge smartass. But, since you mentioned it, that’s pretty much what I mean.
I didn’t invite you up here just for those things.
I…I was kind of hoping we could reconnect, but I didn’t know it would be…
like this.” He gestured at the air between them.
“I don’t know about you, Mikey, but I feel something.
We work together, you know? Not just musically but emotionally. ”
Now it was Mikey’s chance to blurt out his true feelings, tell Luke Carter how he felt about him.
But, he didn’t, because all the old instincts–to run away from commitments, to not get too involved, to not get his heart broken–reared up, drowning out all of the desires that had raged through him just a short time ago.
Now it was just getting uncomfortable, and the more Mikey thought about this the more anxious he became.
Luke, though, was intuitive, and he sensed something was wrong.
“Hey, don’t get all hung up on what this is,” he said softly. “But I do just have one question. How…how did you do it, with Mindy? How did you stay friends afterward?”
“Why Luke Carter, are you jealous?”
He could tell from the sheepish look on Luke’s face he was.
“I don’t know. I was really in love with her, and I was really physically attracted to her. We just clicked, until we didn’t.”
“Huh,” Luke said. “I mean, I guess I am a little jealous, but I’m still figurin’ out this whole pansexual thing.”
“So am I,” Mikey laughed.
Finally, though, Luke shrugged and smiled. “But you know what? We don’t have to figure everything out right now, whether about our sexuality or what we’re doing…you know…with each other. We can just take it step by step…or half-step by half-step.”
He laughed a little at his own bad wordplay, and Mikey couldn’t help but laugh along with him. That was the thing about Luke. He’d always had a way of making Mikey feel like he was home, no matter what was going on and no matter how much Mikey managed to get into his head about things.
Just now, it was enough to be with Luke, to feel his body warm next to his, to feel his skin, to run his hand through his stubble.
He was so comfortable, in fact, before he knew it he was beginning to drift off to sleep.
“Hey,” Luke said softly, pulling him up out of sleep.
“Mm…?” he managed to mumble.
“Come on, sleepy head, we’re going to get you to bed,” Luke said and, before Mikey could say or do anything to object, Luke was lifting him up in his arms like he weighed nothing at all and was carrying him off to his bedroom.
Holy shit, Mikey thought. Is he really carrying me right now? Is this real life?
If he hadn't already been falling head over heels in love with Luke Carter, this most certainly would’ve done it.
To his surprise, Luke took him to his own bedroom rather than the guest.
“Luke,” he began, “are you sure you want me to sleep in your room?”
Mikey was afraid this was something Luke was just doing on the spur of the moment.
Luke, however, just laughed, the deep baritone rumble causing Mikey’s whole body to vibrate.
I’m so fucked, he thought.
“Did you really think I was going to make you sleep in the guest bedroom when the two of us just swapped fantastic blowjobs?” he asked. “I’m not a barbarian. You’re sleeping here, and that’s all there is to it.”