Chapter 24
“This is a mistake,” Damian insists. “I don’t know why we’re here.”
“Because I want to be,” Mikey says. “Now hush. I want to watch.”
They’re at one of Luke’s concerts, but they’ve both taken care to be as incognito as it’s possible to be at a country music venue: they’re both wearing flannel, blue jeans, and baseball caps.
Mikey feels like he’s someone else, which is the point.
The last thing he wants is for someone to recognize Mikey Smiles at a Luke Carter concert.
He’s still not sure how Damian managed to get them in here without a whole train of paparazzi behind them, but for once he’s not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Damian sighs and shifts his cap again.
“God,” he says. “I can’t believe I’m here in this outfit. If you tell anyone, I will never forgive you.”
Mikey almost smiles at Damian. They’re rarely so playful with each other, and it’s honestly kind of refreshing. Just then, however, the crowd erupts into cheers, and Luke struts onto the stage.
Even from their nosebleed seats there’s no denying his charisma. Mikey’s heart starts beating faster and faster, and he grips the armrests of his seat so hard he’s pretty sure he’s leaving marks.
“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Damian asks, and Mikey swears he actually hears concern in his voice.
Instead of answering he just waves his hand at Damian, who sits back with a very sour look on his face. He’s too fixated on what Luke’s doing up there on the stage.
I was such an idiot, he thinks. I should never have given him up.
Luke looks great, wearing a plain white T-shirt, tight jeans, and cowboy boots. He struts with a good ole boy swagger, but there’s also the faintest hint of sensitivity to him, too. He’s both the boy Mikey fell in love with when they were teens and yet something richer, deeper, and more mature.
And when he sings? Well, if Mikey had any doubts about his feelings, they’d be gone.
Luke’s full-bodied baritone has matured along with the rest of him, and it’s easy to see why everyone compares him to such country greats as Don Williams and Josh Turner. What’s more, he has great stage presence, and he has the audience–including Mikey–eating out of his hand.
He also looks happy, and it’s his smile, more than anything else, that makes Mikey realize he needs to get out of there.
“Come on,” he says tersely to Damian. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Thank God,” Damian says, contempt clear in his voice.
All the way back to their hotel Mikey sulks silently, but once they’re back in the room Damian pours them both a healthy glass of wine and sits him down.
“Okay,” he says. “Spill it, and I don’t mean the wine.”
Mikey toys with the idea of pretending he doesn’t know what Damian is talking about, but then he realizes how good it would feel to finally be open about the weight he’s been carrying around lately.
“It’s like this,” he says after taking a healthy slurp of the wine.
“So…Luke and I dated when we were teens. We were head over heels in love. I knew even then I was pan, and he knew he was gay, though no one else ever has. It was…well, it was the best love I’ve ever had, Damian, and I’m not just saying that because we were teens and you feel everything stronger then.
I haven’t stopped thinking about him, especially lately. ”
He leans back, the wine making everything warm and fuzzy. He’d told Damian a long time ago he was pan–he had to, in order to make sure Damian kept anyone else from finding out, and he’d also told Tricia, for similar reasons–but he’s never been this forthcoming with him before.
“Sometimes I even dream about him,” he says softly. “I dream about just leaving all of this behind and just taking up a life with him. I don’t know if he’d take me back, but I’d give it all up for him in a heartbeat. We could just go back to West Virginia and forget about the world…”
His voice tapers off as he takes several more deep gulps of his wine.
“What do you think, Damian?” he asks. “Isn’t it a great idea?”
Damian does say anything at first, and Mikey looks at him through blurred eyes.
“Well?” he demands.
“I honestly don’t know what you ever saw in someone like him,” Damian says and takes a healthy sip of his own wine. “I mean, seriously, the guy has the manners of a barbarian. Oh sure, he’s handsome enough, but seriously, Michael, you could and can do so much better.”
For the life of him, Mikey has no idea why he ever thought confiding in Damian was a good idea, but every word out of Damian’s mouth makes him realize he’s made a dreadful mistake.
“I mean, listen, Mikey. You’ve got to cut loose all of the parts of your past you keep carrying around with you.
It’s just not worth it, you know? You want to be a success, and you are, but you can’t move forward into the future if you insist on holding onto the things bringing you down.
And, though you may not like to hear it, Luke Carter is one of those things. ”
I should give Luke a call, he thinks. I should tell him how sorry I am.
When he’s sober, of course. He may not be drinking as much as he did while he was with the Heartthrobs, but he still indulges a bit too much and ends up being a sloppy drunk.
You’ll just chicken out like you always do, a voice in his head says nastily. You can never handle just having an honest conversation with anyone, let alone Luke Carter.
Damian, who always seems to have a sixth sense for knowing what Mikey is thinking, waves his glass of wine at him, causing some of it to slosh over the sides and onto the floor.
“And don’t you even think about calling Luke Carter,” he slurs. “Nothing good can come of it. Mark my words.”
Damian’s even more annoying than usual when he’s drunk. He acts and talks like he stepped out of a Victorian novel, with a style of speech he probably thinks made him sound elegant and sophisticated but which really just makes him sound like an ass.
Mikey almost says as much but decides it’s not worth picking a fight.
“I won’t,” he says instead, though he can hear how sullen his voice is.
Damian narrows his eyes at him.
“I really hope you don’t,” he says, “because, believe it or not, I actually do want what’s best for you, and I don’t think getting yourself involved with Luke Carter is going to help anything.
” He pauses, like he’s in a performance and is oh-so-desperate for applause.
When Mikey doesn’t give him any, he just pouts.
“I know you have something else to say,” Mikey says, “so why don’t you just come out and say it. I don’t really want to play one of those games only you seem to know the rules to.”
It’s not very often he talks to Damian like this and, to be honest, it’s pretty intoxicating. He likes feeling like he’s the one who’s in charge for once.
Damian crosses his legs and leans forward, and Mikey has to fight the urge to pull back. Something in his eyes…well, it’s a little frightening.
“I do, actually,” he says. “I think it’s high time someone tells the journalists just what a secret Luke Carter has been hiding from the world.
It’s only fair, isn’t it? You’ve had to live a secret life, and you’ve done it really well.
You’re always going along to get along, even though anyone can see you don’t like it.
It’s better to give them someone else to pay attention to, someone else they can expose rather than you. ”
He pauses, clearly waiting to see whether Mikey is going to get the drift of what he’s trying to say. Mikey, though, isn’t going to make it easy for him.
Damian sighs and rolls his eyes.
“Don’t you see? They’re going to start sniffing after you, especially given the way you were mooning after Luke tonight.
Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.
I’ve already fielded several very probing questions about your personal life, and I can’t keep putting them off forever.
All it takes is one person looking at some photos and videos of the two of you any time you’re in the same space, and they’re going to start connecting the dots.
They’re going to find out about your queerness sooner or later, unless we do what’s necessary. ”
Even though Mikey has long ago made peace with his queerness, he doesn’t like the way the word sounds when it comes out of Damian’s mouth.
He makes it sound like it’s something to be ashamed of, and while Mikey isn’t out and doesn’t know whether he ever really will be, he’s not ashamed of who he is.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen,” he says, but he doesn’t sound as sure as he’d like.
Damian’s words have put a nasty little worm of doubt in the back of his mind, and as he thinks about it more, he wonders…
is it possible it might actually be true?
He knows the press is always looking for a scandal, and if they find out he’s not straight…
well, Damian’s right about one thing. It would certainly be the end of his career as he’s known it.
It makes Mikey sick to think like this, but it’s one of the most painful lessons he’s learned about show business. You always have to be on your guard. Sometimes, it’s betray or be betrayed.
A dark thought occurs to him, and now it’s his turn to narrow his eyes at Damian.
“What are you thinking about doing?” he asks. He knows Damian well enough to know he’ll do whatever he thinks is in Mikey’s best interest. Mostly because doing so is usually in his best interests, too.
“Just trust me. I’ll take care of everything,” Damian says airily, waving the wine glass again and spilling even more wine on the carpet. Mikey can’t wait to see how much it’s going to cost to have it cleaned.