Chapter 29 #2
“Honestly, I don’t even know how you could fuck me, how we could share all we shared, and all the time you were carrying around this secret.
” He shook his head, as if by doing so he could shake out the terrible thoughts cascading through it, shake off the pain of being betrayed–again!
–by the man he had finally accepted he’d always loved and always would.
“Why does it always have to be like this with you, Michael?” he asked, for the first time in their long acquaintance actually calling Mikey by his real first name.
“Why does it always have to be so much trouble with you? Why does it have to take so much effort just to make things work? Why can’t the two of us just get together without all of the bullshit? ”
He hated the way his voice sounded so plaintive, like he was begging Mikey to take the pain away.
He knew it wasn’t going to happen, knew Mikey was never really going to change, wasn’t going to become the person he wanted him to be just because he said all of this.
However, Luke had learned just how much power there could be in talking, and he now understood why everyone had always told him to do this.
He also found he couldn’t stop. Words had power, and he wanted to use them to hurt Mikey, to make him feel as much like shit as he’d managed to make Luke feel by his continued betrayal.
And, indeed, looking at Mikey’s face right then he could see the pain he was causing, could even see what he was pretty sure was regret in the other man’s eyes.
It wasn’t enough to make him come even close to forgiving him, of course, because he wasn’t sure there could ever be any forgiveness, or even if he was capable of such a thing.
Knowing there was at least a shred of decency left in Mikey’s soul, however, gave him some comfort, even if it would never be enough.
“I’m so sorry,” Mikey said. “And I know it doesn’t change anything, but I honestly don’t even remember doing it.
It wasn’t until I was talking with Damian just a bit ago it all started to come back to me.
And…I’m just so sorry, Luke. I promise it wasn’t all just some scheme, and I promise that, as far as I knew, I wasn’t lying.
Now it’s all out in the open…maybe we can just start over? ”
Luke didn’t even know where to start. Something about Mikey’s explanation didn’t ring true to him, but he couldn’t put his finger on just what it was. Regardless, it was infuriating to sit here and listen to Mikey try to justify himself and, of all things, ask him to start over.
God I hate him, Luke thought, even as another part of him said, No, I love him, and that’s what makes all of this so terrible.
These two competing thoughts kept fighting with each other, and he knew he wasn’t going to know any kind of peace, at least not as long as he was sitting here looking at Mikey, looking at him and seeing how handsome he was and being reminded of what they’d almost managed to make it together.
“We’re done,” he said.
His voice sounded cold and distant in his own ears, almost like he was a totally different person. He could see from the look on Mikey’s face he didn’t, or couldn’t, quite believe what he was hearing.
He’s so used to never hearing someone tell him no he doesn’t know what to do, he thought.
“Please,” Mikey whispered, voice barely audible. “Don’t do this to us, Luke. Just…let me explain.”
“I don’t want explanations,” he said. “I want you to get the fuck out of my truck. I never want to see you again.”
Unfortunately, there were all sorts of questions that still needed answering, particularly where the concert was concerned.
Were they even going to be able to do it?
Did he even want to be able to do it? Even through all of his pain and anger he could picture the anguished look on Brenda’s face when he poured cold water all over the idea that was supposed to save NACA.
I’ll deal with all of that later, he thought. For right now I just don’t want to be in the same room as Mikey Smiles.
He was tempted to say something to fill in the silence that now seemed to suffocate both of them, but he didn’t. He wanted Mikey to feel the full weight of what he’d done. He wasn’t going to make his life any easier by speaking into the silence.
Finally, it seemed to really occur to Mikey he meant what he said and so, with a last look at Luke–a look that broke his heart–he got out of the truck and left, taking a part of Luke with him.
As he drove back to the cabin, the full enormity of what was going on hit him.
He knew he wasn’t just upset about the fact it had been Mikey who’d set the reporters on his trail, even though that was the bulk of it.
He was also upset because his outing had ruined his relationship with Aunt Patty, and learning Mikey had been indirectly responsible for it brought all of those unpleasant memories to the surface.
I guess my relationship with Aunt Patty is just another thing Mikey Smiles took away from me, he thought.
Indeed, nothing about his relationship with Aunt Patty had been the same since their dreadful conversation just after he was outed.
If the two of them happened to be at his parents’ house at the same time, they made extra effort not to come face-to-face with each other.
The pain Luke felt every time this happened was almost unbearable, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as what it would be like to actually have to face her, let alone have a conversation.
It never ceased to bother him and, though therapy had helped to make it a bit more bearable, the pain of her abandonment was always lurking in the back of his mind. Now it was all on the surface, and before he knew it he was crying.
Finally, he managed to get the tears under control and got back to the cabin but, rather than being given a chance to just relax, he was barraged by a flurry of phone calls.
He didn’t even have to look at his caller ID to know who was calling: Bryce and Katrina were clearly tag-teaming him, both because he’d stood them up and, presumably, because they’d found out about what had gone down between him and Mikey.
He had no idea how they would’ve found out such a thing, but he knew they both had their ways of finding out anything they wanted to know.
They’re just going to have to live with not talking to me, he thought. Because I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.
However, the more they called, the more he found himself wanting to talk to someone, anyone, in order to work through some of his feelings.
And so, reluctantly, he called them both back and, within the hour, they were there at the cabin, with pizza and pop and boxes of candy bars. It was what the doctor ordered.
Soon enough, they were all stuffed, and it was time for the beer and wine part of the evening.
As the alcohol did its work and Luke felt like he could actually talk a little more openly about what he was feeling, Katrina and Bryce nodded along.
They did so with such enthusiasm he was foolish enough to think, just for a second, they were actually agreeing with everything he said.
“And so,” he finished with what he hoped was a flourish, “that’s why Mikey Smiles is terrible and why I’m not going to have anything further to do with him.”
Even in his own ears the words sounded false, like he was just playacting at being angry.
In his heart of hearts he knew he was more hurt than furious, that once the initial feeling of being royally pissed off had passed his mood was going to sink so low he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to get out of such a funk.
It was clear from the looks on both of their faces they were thinking pretty much the same thing, and he wasn’t sure whether he felt vindicated or frustrated by the fact they could read him so easily.
“Sweetie,” Katrina said, as always being the first to confront him about the lies he told himself. “Are you really sure anger is all you’re feeling, or is there something else going on?”
He knew what was going on, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it.
“It’s because of your aunt, isn’t it?”
Luke hated the way his lip started to tremble, hated the way the feelings started to bubble up inside of him, threatening to overwhelm him totally and leave him a sobbing mess on the floor.
It was all too much.
“Oh sweetie, come here,” Katrina said and, for the second time that day, Luke actually let himself lose control and really cry.
When Bryce reached over and added himself to the hug he lost it even more, and it wasn’t long before he was making a snot-soaked mess of Katrina’s blouse.
To her credit, though, she didn’t say anything about it.
She just let him cry out his feelings of hurt and abandonment, and her kindness meant the world.
Finally, though, he’d had enough crying, or at least as much as he was capable of crying at the moment. He leaned back up and, at seeing just how much of a mess he’d made on Katrina’s chest, he actually laughed.
She looked down and started chuckling, too.
“Well, Luke Carter,” she said. “When you decide to let go you don’t go halfway, do you? I think I’m going to have to have this blouse dry-cleaned.”
Katrina’s tone, however, made it clear she wasn’t annoyed or upset.
She’s probably just glad I’m actually expressing feelings for once, he thought. And he’s probably right, though I’m not sure I want to go through that again.
“So,” Bryce said, “do you want to tell us what exactly is bothering you about your aunt? Or, I guess, why do you see her as connected to the Mikey situation?”
Luke barked a harsh laugh.
“I think I’ve done enough processing for tonight.”
Bryce and Katrina gave each other the meaningful look he hated, the one that said he was being dense but they were just going to go with it.
“You know we’re not going anywhere,” Katrina said. “It’s fine if you want to play the waiting game with us. We’re very good at that, too.”
Damn it.
“Okay, fine,” he said, and then he explained his logic.
“It’s just,” he began, “it’s like…in helping the reporter find me, Mikey set in motion a whole domino effect.
If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have had to come out when I did, and maybe I could’ve talked to Aunt Patty on my own terms, and maybe things would’ve been different.
Also, I don’t, it’s just…like…I went to her when he betrayed me last time, and she really helped me through it.
Now, though…now I can’t go to her, and it’s tearing me apart. ”
When he was done, they both sat there, clearly not quite sure what to say.
It was, unsurprisingly, Katrina who was the first to step into the breach, because she always was.
“Okay, so, I can see why you think this way, and you’re right.
Mikey certainly didn’t help matters with your aunt, but let’s be real.
I don’t think she would’ve accepted you, regardless of when you told her.
However,” and she held up a hand to keep him from interrupting, “maybe she’s changed in the past year?
Maybe you should go talk to her? Things with Mikey might be over, but they don’t have to be with her, too. ”
Unfortunately, he knew Katrina had a point. Things might be ruined with Mikey, but maybe he could try to repair his relationship with Aunt Patty. Perhaps the whole thing with Mikey was a chance for him to resolve some of the other things in his life he'd been putting off too long.
Perhaps he might end up having a reason to be grateful to Mikey Smiles, even if it wasn’t in the way he’d originally thought.
“You know what? You’re right,” he said. “I’m going to talk to my aunt and…well, we’ll see where it goes.”
“Atta boy,” Katrina said, and Bryce chimed in.
“You can do this, buddy,” he said.
With his two best friends cheering him on, Luke dared to believe that yeah, he really could do it.
“What am I going to do about the concert?” he asked.
“Well,” Katrina said. “The way I see it, you can do a couple of things, but if you want my advice, I think you should go through with it. But you should just make sure both Mikey and Brenda know this is going to be strictly professional. Communication is key. Yeah, Mikey fucked up big time, and I don’t blame you for not wanting anything more to do with him in a romantic way.
However, you should at least make it clear what the parameters are for your new dynamic. ”
Once again, Katrina had a point. He’d gone too far to back out of the concert now and, while he wouldn’t like it, the least he could for NACA and for Brenda was to go through with it. It wouldn’t be fun. In fact, it would probably be a huge pain in the ass, but he was a man of his word.
It was all going to be for the best in the long run, anyway. He could get the concert done, he could go back to being a hermit–or, if he wanted, start doing some music again–and he could forget Mikey Smiles existed.
At the very least, he was going to stop thinking about Mikey Smiles in a romantic way. He’d done it once before, and he could do it again.
Goodbye, Mikey, he thought. And good riddance.