Chapter 31
After Luke set out his terms for Brenda and Mikey he went back to the cabin, but nothing quite settled him there.
Even Duke could clearly tell something was wrong, and so the two of them were restless together.
The horses were, too, and so finally he decided he was just going to have to live with being uncomfortable.
Which was, of course, a lot easier said than done.
To make matters worse, his further encounters with Mikey during rehearsals were as strained as he’d feared they would be, and though the music didn’t suffer too much, it was still missing the certain something that would help it really soar.
On some level Luke knew he could make all of this easier by actually talking it out with Mikey, but that just wasn’t something he was willing to do.
Mikey had already shown his true colors, and not all of the calls trying to let him explain further were going to change his mind. If the music suffered, so be it.
It ate at him, though.
The other thing eating at him was the situation with Aunt Patty. As Katrina had made clear, it was past time for him to deal with that particular issue. The longer he put it off, the more it was going to eat at him from inside.
And so, after spending far longer than he should have mulling it over, he did what he should have done a long time ago.
He sent her an e-mail.
I wish I had cell service up here, he thought. It’d be a hell of a lot easier to text than send an e-mail. Gotta love West Virginia.
It was a very simple e-mail, just asking her if he could come by, if they could talk. Even so, it was the hardest message he’d ever sent.
Fortunately, it wasn’t long before she responded and, to his surprise, she said yes, she was available to talk, and would he like to stop by that afternoon?
Well, he thought, here goes nothing.
The whole drive to his aunt’s place he kept rehearsing in his mind the tack he was going to take.
He knew it was probably useless to try to plan out their whole conversation, but it was the only way he knew to deal with the level of fear and anxiety curdling in his stomach.
If he had at least an idea of what he was going to say, he could go in feeling prepared.
When he pulled up in front of her place, though, he found all of his talking points going right out the window.
This is going to go horribly, I just know it, he thought. She’s going to make me feel even shittier, and which is literally the last thing I need right now.
Regardless, he was going to see it through, no matter how much anxiety it caused him, and no matter how much he wanted to run.
His feet felt like they were weighed down with lead as he got out of the truck and started up the gravel driveway toward the front door, where his aunt was already waiting for him.
By now Patty Carter–she’d taken back her maiden name when her husband divorced her–was in her mid-sixties, though she still could’ve passed for someone a decade younger. To Luke’s surprise, she had a kindly smile on her face, and he started to think things might turn out alright.
“Hey, Aunt Patty,” he said. “It’s good to see you.”
Her eyes, always so full of kindness, twinkled.
“It’s good to see you too, sweetie. Come on in.”
He did, and as soon as he was inside the house he was hit with a wave of nostalgia so intense it was all he could do to keep his composure. Aunt Patty’s house was filled with the smell of cherries and baking, just like always.
“Yes,” she said, “I made a cobbler just for you. Cherry. Your favorite.”
“Thank…thank you,” he said, stumbling over his words.
He followed her into the kitchen and, once again, he was struck with a powerful wave of memory, of all the times he’d spent here, helping her bake, or just watching her rule over this, her domain.
There was the same set of colored Pyrex mixing bowls on the counter, and there was the same set of Fiesta plates that were her pride and joy.
“Always buy West Virginia made when you can,” was her motto, and she stuck to it as much as possible.
Luke took a seat and let her cut him a slice of cobbler–warm but not too hot–with a cold glass of milk. It was almost like he’d gone back in time to the day Mikey had broken up with him, and his eyes filled with tears.
Aunt Patty let him finish the cobbler before she started speaking.
“I know why you’re here,” she said. “And I’m really glad you e-mailed.”
“I’m glad I did, too,” he said.
She took a deep breath, and he prepared himself to hear her inevitable judgment. To his surprise, though, she reached out and took his hands in her own. When he dared to look up into her eyes he saw tears there, too.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry I hurt you like I did.
I’ve had a lot of time to think, and to pray.
And I’ve done my fair share of talking to both your mom and your dad.
I can’t say I’ll ever really understand who you are, Luke, and I can’t say yet that I can ever approve of what you do with your life.
But…it’s your life, and you’re God’s child, and you’re my nephew.
And I love you. And…if you ever find yourself a boyfriend, I’d like to meet him. ”
She stumbled a bit on the word “boyfriend,” but Luke didn’t mind. This was…well, this was a lot more than he’d even dared to believe was possible, and he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
“Thank you,” he said, his voice trembling. “Really. I…don’t know what to say.”
And that was nothing less than the truth.
Aunt Patty just gave a little laugh.
“Luke Carter, speechless? I never thought I’d see the day.”
They both had a laugh and, while things weren’t exactly the way they had been, they were a hell of a lot better than they’d been the past year.
Luke was tempted to tell her about Mikey but, since he didn’t even know what his own feelings were for all that he pretended otherwise–he decided now was not the time. There’d be time to talk about Mikey in the future.
They settled into something like their old pattern. All too soon, though, it was time for Luke to leave. He didn’t want to push things too far, didn’t want to wear out his welcome. Better, he thought, to leave while things were good.
They gave each other a last hug while standing on the front porch, and Luke had to fight to hold back the tears.
“Thank you,” he whispered in her ear.
“I love you, Luke,” she whispered back.
“I love you, too, and I’ll see you soon.”
And then he was getting back in his truck and pulling away, Aunt Patty receding into the distance behind him.
As he drove away, Luke couldn’t help but grin.
The whole thing had gone far better than he’d ever dared to imagine, particularly since Aunt Patty was as stubborn as any other member of his family.
However, when it came down to it, she really did love him and wanted to have him as a part of her life, even if she wasn’t unequivocally accepting.
The Luke of a short time ago would’ve said that wasn’t good enough.
The Luke of the present, though…well, he was a different and more thoughtful person, and he knew giving grace was a very useful thing.
Look at me, he thought wryly. Actually being willing to forgive people, even when I know they probably wouldn’t do the same if the positions were reversed. I guess that’s what they call growth.
Even though he didn’t want to admit it to himself, Luke had to acknowledge he wouldn’t have come this far if it wasn’t for what he’d shared with Mikey.
Something about the way Mikey had made him feel like all of him was worthy of love.
He no longer felt like he had to be ashamed of who he was or hide part of himself away.
Damn it, Mikey Smiles, he thought. I shouldn’t be having these kinds of thoughts about you. Not after what you did.
But then, he reflected, what was the point of all of this growth if he wasn’t even going to show some grace to Mikey? There came a time when you had to be able to put your pride aside and be the bigger man, no matter how frustrating it might be.
So, Luke made his way back to NACA, hoping to catch Mikey still there, a whole clutch of butterflies fluttering around in his belly.
He knew he was being a baby, knew he was doing the right thing and that he would’ve regretted it if he hadn’t, but it didn’t make it any easier to keep getting closer to the Center, each block bringing him closer to what he knew would be a life-changing confrontation.
When he finally got there, he just parked and sat in his truck for several minutes, as a hundred–or more like a thousand–different thoughts cascaded through his mind.
He’d tried psyching himself up, but now the moment was upon him he didn’t think he was actually going to be able to go through with it.
It was just going to hurt too much to have to say he was sorry.
You can do this, Luke, he told himself again and again. And if you don’t, you’re never going to be able to forgive yourself for not doing it. So what are you waiting for?
What, exactly, was he waiting for? If he didn’t do this, Mikey sure as hell wasn’t going to, so he had to man up, grow a pair, and stride in there, telling the man he loved he forgave him.
And that’s just what he started to do. He got out of his truck and, throwing his shoulders back, started to walk toward NACA.
He kept up the bravado as he walked through the halls of NACA, trying to find someone who could tell him where Mikey actually was.
Finally, someone told him Mikey was in one of the rehearsing studios, and so that’s where Luke went.
Even before he got there, though, he stopped, because he heard something that almost made his heart stop.
He heard Mikey singing.
This wasn’t anything unusual, of course. After all, the two of them had just spent a whole week signing to each other.
This, though, was something different. There was a rawness to the vocal intonation Luke had never heard from him before. Mikey was actually singing from the soul. His pure tenor seemed to float on the air, transporting Luke right back to those days when they’d first fallen in love.
And it wasn’t just the sound of music that held Luke like he was in a spell. It was also the lyrics.
Summer night stage lights shining on the two of us
Wondrin' what the future holds, hoping we can get enough
Of this moment together
Lost in time to the beat your tapping out and into space
Filling every sense I have and sending me into the place
Where we spend forever
And I know nothing lasts nothin’s meant to stay
But couldn't we just sayyyyyy
Anything. Anything goes. When you're young and in love and it's warm and you see that he
knows.
Everything. Everything is brighter now and no one can tell you to stop on the path that you chose.
Anything goes....
Time has passed and looking back I know we can't reclaim what's gone
Nothing I can do or say can take away the things I've done
To cause pain to you
But all the rest of what I've got is yours if you decide to stay
Today tomorrow all our lives and on and on I'll always pray
To see it through
And though nothing lasts nothins' meant to stay
We should just sayyyyyy
Is he singing about…me? Luke wondered, and then almost laughed at himself.
There might have been something of their relationship in the song, but he got the feeling it was about something bigger than just the two of them.
Mikey was really exploring his psyche, trying to figure out just what it was he felt and why.
And he was using music to do it, using the way music wasn’t just about the words but also about the more intangible elements, the things that couldn’t be defined.
If Luke Carter hadn’t already been hopelessly in love with Mikey already, this would’ve sealed the deal.
He also knew if he looked at Mikey right then, if he actually saw his face while he was singing those things, if he saw the vulnerability in his eyes, he’d never be able to recover from it; he’d lose all control.
And, when it came down to it, that was just a step he couldn’t take.
He could forgive Mikey, he might even want to try to pursue something with him in the future, but if he saw him right then, he’d lose something he wasn’t willing to give up, not yet.
And so Luke, not for the first or the last time, ran away from something he didn’t want to confront, even as he hated himself for doing it.
He didn’t stop to think until he was back in the cabin, and once he was there and safely in his house, he thought briefly about calling Bryce and Katrina and telling them this was a five-alarm fire and they needed to get out here as soon as possible to help him deal with it.
The next minute, however, he realized he was going to have to figure out his feelings himself.
He sat down on the couch, and Duke immediately jumped into his lap.
As he massaged his dog’s ears just the way he liked, he found his thoughts going back to Mikey sitting here on his couch, petting his dog (though not as good as Luke could, obviously), and then he started thinking about the way Mikey’s voice had sounded today, the way his voice had hit every right note, seeming to come from some place deep inside him.
He thought, too, about how Mikey’s song spoke to both their bond and to something greater than both of them.
He couldn’t get the damn song out of his head!
The universe is clearly telling me something, he thought. But what?
And then it hit him, and he knew what he had to do in order both to make a fresh start where Mikey was concerned and to reclaim some his own agency. He could change his life forever, but this time on his own terms.
I have never felt this good or this powerful, he thought, and I am not going to waste this opportunity.
With a smile on his face, he started to plan for the biggest gesture of his personal or professional life.