Chapter 33
Luke hadn’t really known how much he’d missed performing until he walked out on the NACA stage and heard and saw the crowd. He also hadn’t expected so many feelings to well up inside of him at seeing Mikey in full-on concert mode, his charisma shining like the sun.
Damn, he thought. He really is in his element.
Beneath the joy and happiness, however, he also found himself wondering if he’d done the right thing, keeping himself distant from Mikey while he worked through his feelings.
He could tell every time they were together how much his attitude was hurting Mikey, but he just wasn’t ready to return to what they’d had, not until he was able to do it in just the way he wanted.
He had no idea whether Mikey was going to respond to his gesture, or whether he was going to throw it right back into his face.
Honestly, he wouldn’t have blamed Mikey either way.
Okay, time to get your head in the game, he thought as he caught Mikey giving him a very quizzical look, clearly wondering whether he was going to do his part to get the concert started.
So that’s just what Luke did.
He started strumming his guitar, letting the notes float up and out over the crowd.
He managed to hit them right on the first try and, as he started to sing, the music flowed through his body, lifting him up and buoying him.
When Mikey’s sweet, pure tenor joined his own rich baritone, he knew they were in just the right kind of harmony.
This is what it’s all about, he thought. This is the kind of music we were both meant to make.
The crowd clearly thought so, too, since they were now on their feet, caught up in the same kind of fervor as Mikey and Luke were. That was the power of the kind of music they were capable of producing together, and Luke wouldn’t have traded this moment for anything in the world.
At several moments during the first several numbers the two of them would come close together, so close it almost seemed like they might kiss right there on the stage, and Luke let himself imagine what it would actually be like.
Would the fans love it, or would they turn on them in a heartbeat?
He knew all too well just how fickle crowds could be, even when they seemed to be in love with you.
However, when the audience roared its approval of their soulful and wrenching performance of “A Guy to Build a Life With,” Luke started to relax a bit.
The song might no longer be the centerpiece of their show—Mikey’s song would now occupy that position, Luke suspected—but this response was everything he could’ve wished for.
However, Luke’s anxiety didn’t go away entirely. He kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the crowd to turn on him the way they had a year ago.
In any case, it didn’t seem to matter, because each time Mikey would draw back. Not only that, but he hadn’t given any sign he was going to start singing the song Luke knew he’d composed for him and which he’d assumed he was going to use during the concert.
What’s he waiting for? He wondered. Did I just make that whole thing up?
He started to panic, because if Mikey didn’t do his part, then it wouldn’t make any sense for Luke to try his addition to the song, and then his whole gesture would be wasted.
Fuck, he thought. Fuck fuck fuck.
Just when he was certain his whole gesture was going to go up in smoke and he was going to end up with a broken heart again, Mikey made a slight gesture to the band.
They, in turn, nodded back, and Luke felt the familiar sensation of butterflies in his stomach.
Whatever was about to happen, it was going to be either the beginning of something beautiful or the end of it.
Then Mikey opened his mouth and started to sing, and every single doubt Luke had ever had went right out of his head.
He’d known from the moment he overheard Mikey’s singing the song was something special, something richer, deeper, and far more authentic than anything he’d done in his career.
Hearing in its rough form was one thing, though, and hearing it on the concert stage was something else altogether.
This rendition of the song was like a fishhook right into Luke’s heart, snagging him and dragging him along.
Before he knew what he was doing he was walking back across the stage, eyes only for Mikey.
Mikey looked up at him, and Luke lost himself.
For a split second everything he’d carefully prepared flew clean out of his head.
He had no idea what words were once at the tip of his tongue, had no idea what he’d planned to do when Mikey started singing this song, had no idea even where he was.
He was so totally lost in the beauty of Mikey Smiles in the midst of his music.
Then, just as quickly, he slammed right back into himself, and some instinctual part of his musician’s mind took over.
The words he’d memorized–Mikey’s words, the ones that held so much meaning for the man he loved–came flowing out of his mouth.
His own baritone hummed along under Mikey’s tenor, the two strains working together in perfect harmony, hitting every single note just where it needed to be.
Mikey’s eyes widened as he realized Luke had somehow learned his song, and then his smile got even wider. It was somehow a combination of both the ecstatic smile he got when he was really and truly happy and also the smaller, fuzzier one he always had just for Luke.
The past and the present blended, meshing in the same way Luke’s voice did with Mikey’s.
He was at once the same scared kid who was trying to find his way, and the country music star who was on top of the world.
Above all, he was the older, wiser version of himself, someone who’d seen a few things and grown as a result.
He was dimly aware of the crowd but, truth be told, the only thing that really mattered to him was Mikey Smiles and his gorgeous face. The haze around the two of them…well, it was something magical, and he didn’t think there’d ever be anything like it again.
Finally, though, the song reached its end and, as it did, Luke wasn’t sure what was going to happen. At least, that is, until Mikey leaned over and kissed him.
Luke didn’t know whether the dead silence that fell over the auditorium was the result of his being completely lost in the feeling of being with Mikey or whether it was something else.
The knot of fear he always felt when doing any kind of PDA was twisting in his belly, reminding him of why he’d been hesitant about this in the first place.
Then, between one second and the next, the whole auditorium erupted into cheers that were, somehow, even more intense and enthusiastic than they’d been at the beginning of the concert.
People were on their feet clapping and stomping and cheering, and Luke finally allowed himself to just relax and lean even more into the kiss, pulling Mikey to him.
“Fuck. I love you, Mikey Smiles,” he whispered into the other man’s ears. “I always have, and I always will.”
“I love you too, Luke Carter,” Mikey whispered right back, mouth curved into a perfect bow. “And nothing will ever, ever, change that.”
There on that stage, with the roar and approval of the crowd around them, his music dreams blazing brighter than ever, Luke actually believed it.
Luke and Mikey finished the rest of the concert, the crowd with them each and every step of the way. They shouted their approval after every number, and each time they did Luke couldn’t keep from beaming.
In fact, the crowd was so passionate about their new favorite musical couple and so swept up in the fervor of the concert that they demanded not one but two encores.
At last, however, they were done. They could finally be alone, and Luke was…well, he wasn’t sure what he was. Not yet, anyway.
By the time they got backstage they were both soaked with sweat, but neither of them minded.
They were just happy to be together, happy the concert had been an unqualified success.
For a good five minutes after it was over they just sort of stood there and gazed at each other, neither of them quite sure what to say or what to do.
At last, Mikey broke the silence.
“So,” he said. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
Luke shook his head.
“You don’t have to explain. I know things were complicated and messy back then, and I wasn’t really anything to you. I understand why you did what you did, and I forgive you.”
“But that’s just it,” Mikey said. “I wasn’t the one who told the reporter about your sexuality.” He took a deep breath. “It was Damian. He blurted out the truth right after I told you it was me.”
If the sky had fallen right on Luke’s head at that moment it wouldn’t have been any more stupefying.
He tried to wrap his head around what Mikey was telling him, but things just refused to compute.
Mikey hadn’t been the one to blurt out the truth about his sexuality?
But…why hadn’t he told Luke the truth about things right afterward?
Why had he kept on acting like he had done it?
Why had he always looked so ashamed when Luke saw him every time after their confrontation?
“I know what you’re going to ask,” Mikey said, clearly reading the expression on his face.
“And there’s no easy answer to the question.
I guess…I guess I was just so hurt you could believe I’d do something like that, I didn’t even feel like it was worth trying to explain the truth, even if it meant you’d hate me for something I didn’t do.
And let me tell you, Luke Carter, you can really be an asshole when your feelings are hurt. ”
He took a deep breath, clearly searching for what he wanted to say next. “And, truth be told, I began to think maybe it just wasn’t worth trying to build something with someone who didn’t want to be with me, who didn’t even want to give me the chance to explain or to make amends.”
Luke hated to see the look of pain on Mikey’s face, and he hated even more that he’d been the cause of it.
Looking back on it, he realized he really hadn’t been willing to give Mikey the benefit of the doubt.
Confronted with something he didn’t want to deal with in an adult and mature way, he’d lashed out, retreating back into his tried and true methods of dealing with things rather than utilizing the healthier mechanisms he’d learned.
The irony wasn’t lost on him that he’d been willing to give his aunt a bit of grace but hadn’t been willing to do so with Mikey, and his guilt and sense of shame was almost enough to crush him.
“But here’s the thing about you, Luke Carter,” Mikey went on.
“No matter how much of an asshole you can be, it’s impossible to keep away from you.
I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I found out I didn’t want to stop thinking about you.
In fact, I wanted to get you back, and I was going to do it my way.
Which is why I wrote the song. I needed to get all of my complicated feelings about us, who we were, who we are, and who we might be, into music.
And then, when you started singing along to my song, with your own little bits added in, I knew I’d succeeded and that I didn’t want to be anywhere else except right beside you. ”
He cocked his head to the side.
“Speaking of which…how did you know the song? You had to have known about it for a while, if you were able to learn it.”
He seemed genuinely curious, and now it was Luke’s turn to feel a bit embarrassed.
“The truth is…,” he began, “one day I heard you performing in the studio, and I was blown away by your talent.” He coughed a bit, not sure he wanted to say what he was going to say next.
No, I’m not going to censor myself. I can tell Mikey something important about his music without sounding like an asshole.
“It was the best, most honest, most heartfelt thing I’d ever heard you sing,” he said, “and it made me fall in love with you all over again. I know I probably should’ve just told you how I felt right then, but I…
I didn’t have the words, and it all just seemed too much.
So I thought I’d learn your words, your music, and then surprise you with a duet.
I wanted to show you how much I believe in us being together, in every way. ”
Mikey huffed out a sigh, but then it turned into a laugh.
“Sometimes, Luke Carter, I honestly don’t know what to do with you.
You have the most beautiful soul of anyone I’ve ever met, and yet somehow you also drive me absolutely crazy.
Let me tell you something right now. We’re going to have to continue working on your communication skills.
You can’t just walk around brooding and expect people to figure out what you’re thinking.
If you have something on your mind, you have to talk to me. Is that clear?”
Luke gave him a level look.
“You’re right,” he said. “And I’m tellin’ you right now, I’m gonna continue working on that, and on myself. I want us to work together, and I want each of us to be worthy of the other’s love. And I’m sorry for being an asshole. I promise I’ll do better.”
Mikey’s face lit up.
“You’re forgiven. And you know, I’m sorry, too. I know I talk a lot, but I also know I’m not always great at expressing my true feelings. I’m gonna work on that, believe me.”
Mikey paused, then rushed on, desperate to get the words out. “I really do think we have what it takes, though. ” He gave Luke a look of such longing and naked vulnerability it almost broke his heart. “What do you think?”
There was really only one response Luke could think of, only one thing he could say that could hope to capture the full extent of his feelings.
“Well, first, you’re forgiven, too. And second, you’re the only one for me,” he said. “You always have been.”
It was hopelessly cheesy, but somehow it fit.
If anything, Mikey’s smile got even bigger.
“I was hoping you’d say that,” he said, and then they both leaned in at the same time and kissed.
When their lips met this time, it was just like hitting the right note.