13. Shes an angry elf
Chapter 13
She's an angry elf
SAWYER
M y love for my wife cannot be quantified. Here she is, nine months pregnant with our twins and still indulging me by wearing a couple’s costume.
Sammy is the Jovie to my Elf. And she’s absolutely adorable, ginormous belly and all.
She swirls her hips, making the pink skirt with the white fuzzy trim swish around her thighs. Naturally, she’s wearing the matching hat and red tights since we don’t do anything half-assed. I had to help her put the tights on. Had I not already donned my own pair of yellow ones for my Buddy the Elf costume, I’d have had no clue what I was doing. It would have still been fun, though.
“Welp, most of the costume still fits. Miraculously.” Balling up the red belt she was supposed to wear, Sammy tosses it at me. “This is a lost cause, though.”
I catch it, thus saving the buckle from damaging my handsome face. “I have an idea for that.”
She waves me off, waddling toward the door. “Nah, it’s fine. Let’s go. I want cookies. Lots of them. And pie. Cake. Fudge. I didn’t eat lunch, remember?”
I’d like a moment of appreciation for not pointing out how I made lunch for her, but she didn’t eat it. Applause is also warranted.
“Hold on, princess. It’ll only take a second.” I dart to the corner of our bunk room, digging quickly through the remnants of our wrapping supplies. I emerge with the half-used roll of ribbon. “This should do the trick. Where are the scissors?”
“I honestly don’t care whether I have a belt or not.”
I move the tape and bows aside, searching for the scissors. “No offense, princess. Without something to break up the dress, you look like pink cotton candy. And this isn’t a circus-themed party.”
“Then why are you such a clown?”
“I deserved that,” I mumble as my eyes land on the scissors. “Jackpot!”
When I approach her, she grins like she has a secret. “What, princess?”
“You look simultaneously ridiculous and sexy.”
I glance down at my costume and adjust the belt buckle. “Only a real man can wear tights and make them look this good.”
She lets her gaze trail down my body, one side of her mouth quirked. “The cup is a nice touch.”
“Well, I needed something to hide my junk. If the other guys saw what I’m packing, they’d all have inferiority complexes.”
Without warning, she knocks her knuckles gently over my plastic-covered package. The package between my legs, not the gifts in my sack.
The red plush Santa’s sack, you pervert. Get your mind out of the gutter.
I lurch back a step, removing the family jewels from her reach. “Easy, woman. Don’t you want more kids one day?”
“Let’s see how the next week goes first.” Her laugh rings like a bell around the small space. She lifts her chin, smacking duck lips at me. “Kiss me, stud.”
“With pleasure. Just keep your hands where I can see them.”
A few minutes later, I’ve tied a red ribbon around her midsection and helped her slide her elf shoes on, thus completing the ensemble. As we enter the elevator, I catch our reflection in the stainless steel doors. We look cheesy as hell. And I love it.
I can’t keep my hands off her. Channeling Elvis, I curl my upper lip and grab my Sammy, throwing my arm over her shoulders. “Come here, little mama.”
She wraps one arm around my waist from the side, letting her head flop on my chest.“Oh, for Halloween next year, we could be Elvis and Priscilla.”
“I was thinking we’d be Fred and Wilma Flintstone next year. And the babies could be Bam Bam and Pebbles.”
“Well, that won’t work because Bam Bam is Barney and the brunette chick’s baby.”
My eyes bulge. “What? He is?”
“Yep.”
“ Damn . There goes that idea.”
One of her shoulders lifts in a tiny shrug. “We could make our son Dino instead.”
I kiss the top of her head, squeezing her tightly against my side. “I love how you just vibe with me.”
She cranes her neck to look at my face without putting much space between us. All this time, and she still can’t get enough of my touch. Same for me. After all, I had a lot of time to make up for, considering there were so many years I ached to hold her and couldn’t.
“Sawyer, I vibe with you because you’re my person.”
My heart swells, pressing against my ribs. Lovestruck and silent, we beam at each other for the rest of the ride to the top floor.
Only when the doors open do I dare look away.
We stroll out of the elevator, still wrapped around each other, and are greeted by holiday music coming from down the hall. Twinkling lights hang from the ceiling.
“Can’t wait to see what the others are dressed up as.” Sammy snickers into my chest. “You’re going to get so much shit for those tights. I can’t wait.”
“Probably. That’s why I wanted you to match me.”
“Huh?” she asks.
“If I can’t take the mocking, then I’ll just blame you for making me wear it. They wouldn’t dare tease a man who’s only trying to please his very pregnant wife.”
She blows a raspberry. “You don’t know your friends very well, do you?”
Laughter reverberates down the hall as we get close to the conference room. “Looks like we’re not the first to arrive.”
Sammy’s feet stutter to an abrupt stop. “ Oooh .” Her body tenses, and she sucks in a hiss of air.
My spine stiffens. Acting on instinct, I put one hand on her stomach with the other on her lower back. “You okay, princess? What’s wrong?”
Her face pinches, eyes and lips pressed tightly closed. “I’m fine,” she grits out, blinking her eyes open and releasing a sharp exhale. “It’s my back again. I’m starting to think I herniated a disc or something.” She hunches forward, bracing one hand on her knee.
Every protective cell in my body goes on high alert. “Maybe we should go to the hospital. You might be in labor.”
She whips around to face me, lasers shooting from her eyes. “I’m not having these babies on Christmas Eve. I already told you that it’s just my back. Quit with the labor bullshit.”
Unconvinced, I ask, “What does it feel like? Describe the pain to me.”
Straightening her frame, she says, “Turn around.”
When I don’t move quickly enough, she shoves my hands away and scoots a step toward my backside. “What does it feel like?” she mimics my question, throwing her voice. “It feels like this.” Without giving me a chance to react, she jabs her fists into my lower back and aggressively grates her knuckles up, down, and to both sides.
For the second time in ten minutes, I find myself scurrying away from my wife. “Easy, Sammy.”
She throws her hands to the side. “Don’t ask stupid questions then. It fucking hurts like a fucking backache. Shit. You’re so annoying right now. I promise you’ll be the first to know when I actually go into labor.”
Swearing under her breath, she stomps away without me. I stand gobsmacked for three seconds before shaking it off and chasing after her.
What the hell just happened?
We were laughing no more than a minute ago. Grinning at each other like lovesick teens, unable to keep our hands off each other for the entire elevator ride. How did she end up so pissed that quickly? This is a new record, even for my hair-triggered princess.
As I catch up with her, I remind myself that it’s understandable for her to be moody.She’s emotional from the hormones.Her back hurts.And she’s probably in labor.All valid reasons for her to snap at me.
Once I’m by her side, I reach for her hand. “Sorry for hovering, Sammy. I’m worried about you is all.”
Her face falls, tenderness gradually overtaking her features. “I know you are. I’m sorry for snapping.”
I cup her cheek. “It’s okay.” Remembering a line from the movie, I add, “You’re an angry elf.”
She twines our fingers together, the hint of a smile gleaming in her eyes. But then it vaporizes, quickly being replaced by shards of ice as she’s hit with another sudden pain.
Just your average, everyday back pain, according to her.
She squeezes my hand tightly, grunting through it. Once it subsides, she loosens her hold on me.
“Sammy, remember how they said that not everyone’s labor is the same. The back pain could be a sign?—”
She bats my hand away and jabs her pointer finger at me. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m carrying around fifty extra pounds, which is enough to make anyone’s back hurt. And on the off chance it isn’t a back strain or injury, it’s probably Braxton-Hicks contractions from the sex.”
Her words slap my head back. “Sex can cause those?”
Putting her hands on her hips, she sneers. “Oh, so you don’t know everything about pregnancy, huh?”
When she storms off this time, I stand in place, staring at the spot she vacated. Guilt sidles up beside me.
I thought the doctor said that sex was a good thing for her. If I had known it might cause her pain, I’d have taken care of myself in the shower like I did in the old days.
A few cheery voices greet her when she enters the party a few steps away.“Sammy’s here! Yay!”
Sulking like a big fat baby in yellow tights and a ridiculous elf costume, I stand in the hall.
Lionheart’s booming voice shakes me from my stunned silence. “Sawyer, you out here?”
I blink away the guilt, facing him with a fake smile. “Yep.”
He saunters over, a cup of liquid Christmas cheer in his giant paw. “Oh my fucking hell. You have got to be kidding me.” His deep guffaws make my smile genuine. “You look... Why man? Even the tights? Get the fuck out of here, and wipe that look of your face.”
I stretch my arms out to the side to give him a good look, immediately shifting into my Will Ferrell Elf voice. “I like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite.”
Another raucous bout of laughter shakes his shoulders. “No, dude. Just... no.”