18. Not-so-silent night
Chapter 18
Not-so-silent night
SAWYER
“ T wenty-five!” Sammy wails, her hands balled into fists and hovering in front of her face as if she could punch away the pain.
From the front seat, Leo tosses a sidelong glare at me. I ignore it. No fucking way I’m discussing this topic with him.
Not now.
Not ever.
She screams it again, louder this time. The SUV windows rattle.
I keep rubbing her shoulders, whispering reassurances. “We’re almost there, princess. Just a few more minutes. You can do this. I’m right here with you.”
She punches the seat. “Twenty-five!” she bellows, then repeats it with added F-bomb flare. “Motherfucking twenty-fucking-five!”
“Sammy, I’ll have you at the hospital in six minutes. Not twenty-five,” Tomer responds, oblivious to what she’s referring to.
Thankfully.
No one in the vehicle, besides Sammy and me, needs to know that she’s pregnant because when she ordered me to finish inside her, she said there was only about twenty-five percent chance of getting pregnant. It shall stay our little secret.
Clearly, the pain has Sammy regretting I took those odds. As for me? I’d do it again a hundred times over.
I only wish she wasn’t in so much pain.
“When you see our babies, it’ll all be worth it, princess.”
“I know . I’m holding this over their heads for the rest of my life.” She’s about to chip a tooth from gritting her teeth. “Fucking motherfuckers. Why can’t men have the babies since they’re so tough? This is bullshit.”
She’s sprawled out on the middle row of the SUV with her head in my lap. No one in our four-man impromptu security detail—Tomer, Leo, Aaron, and Jonesy—has spoken for the entire ride aside from Tomer a few seconds ago. They know if they speak, they’ll be evisceratedwithin an inch of their lives.
Turns out, intense labor pains make my princess a wee bit verbally stabby.
I kiss her forehead, then brush her hair from her damp forehead. “Breathe, Sammy. You have to breathe. In for three, out for three. Remember?”
“I know how to fucking breathe, Sawyer. I’m in labor; I’m not a moron.” Her face scrunches with pain, and she hisses through it. “Fucking shit cock balls ass. I hate this shiiit .”
From the row behind us, Aaron mutters to Jonesy, “Fifty bucks says at least one of the babies comes out swearing.”
Jonesy barks out a laugh. “No way, man. That’d be a fool’s bet.”
To hide my laugh, I turn my head toward my armpit and cover it with a fake cough.
“I heard you, A-a-ron.” She huffs out three controlled breaths, and some of the tension in her body visibly loosens. “And I know you’re laughing, Sawyer.” More deep breaths, some with hints of a sigh braided through them.
Since the profanity has stopped and she’s unclenched her fists, I’m guessing the pain has passed for now.
I check my watch, noting the time. “Contraction over, princess?”
She adjusts her positioning, rolling farther onto her side. “Yes. I’m okay now.”
“Wowsers. What a long one.”
“That’s what she said,” she deadpans, seemingly returning to her typical, sarcastic personality. She even attempts to smile. And she gets close.
So close.
She expels a weary sigh. “How long was it?”
“Almost a full minute.”
Her mood turns on a dime, giving me no time to react. With her chin wobbling and tears pooling in her eyes, she rushes out,“I’m sorry I’m such a bitch. I didn’t know this pain would let my rage monster call the shots.”
The pitch of her voice rises, and she starts sobbing. “I don’t want to be a bitch to you. I love you so much. But I’m being so mean to you, and I don’t know how to stop. I’m just a terrible bitch. You probably hate me.”
“Hey, hey, shh.” I grab her hand and thread our fingers together, bringing them to my mouth for a kiss. “It’s okay, princess. I know you’re hurting.”
She sniffles. “So you do think I’m a bitch.”
Dammit. Walked right into that one.
The guys all chuckle. To be fair, I would have if I were in their places.
“No, Sammy. I didn’t mean it that way. I lov?—”
“Yes, you did.”Tears flow down her cheeks in a deluge. “You think I’m a bitch. You married a bitch, and now you’re stuck. I’m gonna make you miserable for the rest of your life. Our kids will probably be little bitches too.” She wipes her tears on the sleeve of her elf costume.
The guys have the right idea about staying silent. I cannot come out of this unscathed.
But I’m no quitter.
“I didn’t marry a bitch. I married the love of my life. She’s a fucking warrior who is gonna kick labor right in the balls.”
Three more sniffles and her tears finally ebb. “You really think I can do this?”
“Yes, princess. I know you can. And our kids are gonna be fucking awesome. With us as their parents, they’re already perfect, and they aren’t even here yet. Once they get to hang out with us, they’ll just get better as they age.”
“Like cheese.” Her chest quivers with a sigh. “And wine. I miss wine.”
“On the bright side, you can have champagne for New Year’s.”
She pulses our joined hands and whispers, “Sawyer, I’m scared. The pain is far worse than I imagined, and it’s just starting.”
I catch Tomer’s attention in the rearview. “How much longer, T?”
“Little over four minutes,” he answers, not a hint of stress or worry in his voice.
He’s our rock when shit gets hairy. I hope I can return the favor when Lettie’s time comes.
“We’re scanning behind us for tails. Nothing so far,” Jonesy offers.
My eyes find Sammy’s once more. “Four more minutes, princess. Then we’ll get you some drugs, and you’ll be golden.”
“I want the good drugs. Double what they give everyone else since I’m having twins.”
I play along because it’s nice to dream. “I’ll be sure to inform the doctor.”
“Let’s get the brand name. No generics. I don’t want to risk it.”
Aiming to cheer her up, I throw my voice into old reliable . “Could you imagine something so ghastly?” I click my tongue twice. “I shant allow such atrocities to befall you, your grace. Generics are for peasants, not royalty. Nothing but the best for my princess. We’ll spare no expense. Shall they try otherwise, I’ll bring about the wrath of our entire monarchy.”
Sammy’s smile blooms like a flower in spring. “I love you, Sawyer.”
She puckers her lips, and I bend to give her a quick peck. “And I love you, Sammy.”
“Sorry to interrupt,” Tomer starts. “Not to be contrary, but generic prescription drugs have the same efficacy as brand names. The active ingredients are identical, and the FDA rates them equal in safety to their higher cost counterparts.”
Leo taps him on the side of the arm for me. “It’s just a joke, T.”
“Oh.”
Some things never change.
Suddenly, Sammy’s breathing intensifies, and her jaw tightens. The hold she has on my hand steadily becomes painful. I check my watch. It’s too soon for another contraction.
Shit . They’re coming faster than they said they would in birthing class.
Unless she’s been in labor for two fucking days and didn’t realize it or refused to admit it.
Sammy’s stubbornness is legendary, and I’m betting she thought she could stop her labor until after Christmas by sheer force of will. I fucking dig that about her. Nonetheless, it’s highly inconvenient tonight.
“Oh fuck,” she says, practically breathing out the words. “It’s a big one.”
I attempt to make her smile through the pain by throwing our favorite joke back at her. “That’s what she said.”
“Don’t fucking joke right now. This is serious shit, Sawyer. I think the babies are coming. Like now. So much pressure. Fuuuck .”
My spine stiffens. “You can’t push yet, baby. Squeeze my hand and breathe through it.”
“I am breathing. Open your eyes and ears, Sherlock. I sound like a lifetime chain smoker with black lung disease trying to climb Mount Everest.” Her lips round into an O-shape, and oxygen rushes in and out in giant swells. “ Twenty-five . Fuck. Twenty-five percent. We were so stupid. Why did we do that?”
Because we were horny as fuck, couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and too impatient to buy condoms.
“I got you, Sammy. We’re almost there. I can see the hospital.”
She nods, presses her lips together, and grits her teeth, the pain still ravaging her. I check my watch again. This one has been longer than a minute. My hand has lost all feeling. However, I’m not as stupid as people think, so I don’t say shit about it.
“Open your mouth and breathe, princess. You can’t hold your breath.”
“Fuck, maybe I do need help remembering to breathe after all.” She complies, air sailing out of her in a rush. “I need drugs. So many drugs. All the fucking drugs. Epidural. The shit they put in through the IV. Morphine. Dilaudid. Oxycodone. Percocet. I want them all. Just keep ‘em coming. Don’t forget the happy gas. Noxide something. Nio... neo...”
“Nitrous oxide,” Tomer corrects, unable to tolerate her bumbling. “And oxycodone and Percocet are the same thing.”
Sammy ignores his corrections in favor of continuing to rattle through a list of enough drugs to put King Kong in a coma.
“Toradol. Isn’t that what those shots are called? I’ll take two of those. Or Tramadol and-uh... hydrocodone. Yeah. I want that and a few Vicodin.”
Tomer spouts off again, “Vicodin and hydrocodone are also the same thing.”
Sammy groans and kicks her feet against the door in a stream of gentle taps, probably attempting to distract herself. “Fuck, Tomer. Are you a pharmacist or something? If so, give me the fucking drugs. Don’t hold out on me, or I’ll let my water break in your SUV.”
“Please don’t. I’m sorry,” Tomer appears contrite.
He and Lettie haven’t been to birthing classes yet, or he’d know she can’t control that.
Even in her current state, she doesn’t need me to defend her. Such a ball buster.
Sammy releases my hand, shaking hers out before grabbing me even harder. “And you’re getting a vasectomy. This is fucking bullshit.” Four more deep breaths and a series of groans. “This is the patriarchy. At some point in the past, men probably had to do this. And they fucked us over. Fucking men. You’re all the worst.”
She’s delirious. None of what she said made sense.
I need to get her to focus on something other than the pain and rage before our guards decide to let us fend for ourselves. Kidding.
“Breathe with me. I’ll guide you through it.” Using the technique they taught us in those classes, I lead her through the breathing exercises until her contraction passes.
Once it does, her entire body releases the tension, all her limbs relaxing at once. She goes utterly limp. It’s as if it takes all her energy reserves to fight through the pain.
“That was the worst one yet,” she mutters quietly.
“Sammy, it was also super long and only two minutes after the prior one. You’re most definitely in active labor. I think all those back pains you were having were labor pains.”
“I know.” And now she’s back to tears. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to get through the fucking party. Lettie was so excited about it, and she’s had such a fucked-up year. Plus, I didn’t want the babies to have Christmas birthdays. It’s gonna suck for them. I was using mind over matter to keep them in there a few days longer.”
“How’d that work out for you, sis?” Apparently, Leo’s done being silent.
“Not so great,” she sobs.
I suppose since her pain-induced rage has faded, her guilty conscience has completely taken over. She’s worked so hard over the last few years to deal with her anger.
I just hold her tightly, loving her with my touch.
“Guys, I’m sorry about the man-bashing. It was the pain talking. I think men are... great.”
We all laugh, especially Sammy.
“No, I’m with you,” Aaron teases. “Men ruin everything.”
Jonesy piles on. “We suck.”
“Men are why we can’t have nice things,” Leo adds with a despondent shake of his enormous head.
I get in on the bit with my own flare, adopting a valley girl tone and cadence. “Oh my gosh. Totally . Why are they so grody? Just gag me with a spoon already. Wish they’d all eat their shorts.”
Tomer joins in, surprising everyone. “Destroying the climate. Nuclear weapons. GMOs. Systematic oppression. And let’s not forget... all the wars .”
Almost immediately, everyone echoes the last one. “All the wars.”
When the laughter finally ebbs, Sammy releases a contented sigh. “Thanks, guys. I needed a good laugh.”
“It’s the one thing we’re good for,” Lionheart tosses.
Sammy rises off my lap and ruffles the back of her brother’s head. “I can think of one other thing, but I’ll keep it to myself so I don’t make the rest of the drive awkward for you, Leo.”
He sticks his fingers in his ears. “La, la, la, la.”
“Fucking hell,” she grumbles, then sucks in a hiss of oxygen. “Bad news for the patriarchy.Another one is coming. Prepare for profanity. Sorry in advance.”
Aaron taps the back of her seat. “We’re here for you, little mama. Cuss away.”
Scooting over, I rub her belly with one hand and her lower back with the other. “Focus on me, beautiful.”
Her stomach is so hard it might as well be made of steel. No wonder she’s cussing up a storm.
I don’t even bother checking my watch this time since I know it’s been less than two minutes since the last one.
“Emergency entrance or regular?” Tomer asks, turning onto the hospital property.
I answer since Sammy’s in the middle of another fuck the patriarchy rant. “Main entrance. We’re supposed to go straight up to the Labor & Delivery unit.”
Before we get under the porte-cochère, Sammy’s fingers are already wrapped around the door handle.
We need to be smart about this. She can’t just go rushing out until we’ve at least conducted a minimal sweep of the area.
“Princess, I know you want to bolt in there. Unfortunately, you need to wait until we can ensure it’s safe to exit.”
Whimpering, she reluctantly acquiesces with a sluggish nod.
Raising my voice, I address the others. “What’s our plan, team?”
Tomer clears his throat. “I got it. Listen up. As soon as I shift into park, Leo will secure the path from the SUV to the entrance. I’ll take the front of the vehicle. How’s the rear looking, guys?”
“Still no tails spotted,” Aaron responds.
“Excellent,” Tomer continues. “Sawyer, you’ll exit through your door on my side and sweep around the rear of the vehicle en route to Sammy’s door. Aaron, you’ll exfil behind Sawyer and take position at his door to protect the driver’s side, scanning toward the rear. Jonesy, you remain inside until she’s removed, exiting behind her and watching her six as we proceed into the lobby. Once they’re secure, someone will return with me to park the vehicle while the rest stay inside to guard her. Questions?”
“Negative,” Leo answers.
“We’re good,” Jonesy answers for him and Aaron.
When Tomer brings the vehicle to a stop, everyone springs into action.
Before I open the door, Sammy grabs my hand and squeezes with all her might. “We got this, right?”
I cup her cheek with my free hand and run my lips over hers.“We so fucking have this, princess.”
“Sawyer?”
“Yes?”
“Let’s go have these babies.”She doesn’t let me go, though. “One more thing.”
“What?”
“Take off the fucking Elf hat and find someone to lend you some scrubs when we get in there. I refuse to let our children think they were born into a crazy family.”
“Good idea. Probably best they don’t find that out until they’re at least five.”