22. A thrill of hope
Chapter 22
A thrill of hope
SUE
M adeline’s gentle confidence while handling the babies is captivating. I can’t take my eyes off her. The way she holds them, speaks to them, and even how she looks at them. It’s mesmerizing.
Her soft arms and hands simultaneously provide safety and comfort. It’s as if each move she makes exists in a tapestry of gracefulness and strength.
I study it all, practically taking notes.
I’m itching to emulate her.
She’s almost got me thinking I can do it.
My sister, Fiona, has two kids. I didn’t dare hold them until they were well over a year old. They were so fragile, and I was too fidgety around them.
A vivid memory of Fiona trying to force me to hold Zack when he was six months old by dangling him over my lap creeps into my mind unbidden. She didn’t drop him or anything. Neither did I. Yet the terror that it might happen was so overwhelming I was paralyzed with fear.
Eventually, I ran to the back porch to get away from everyone. I sat by the pool without speaking for hours. One by one, my parents and siblings came out to check on me. I remember them talking, although I couldn’t respond. In truth, I had no idea what they were saying. They inevitably gave up when they couldn’t get me to respond.
The only one who didn’t speak was Nick. He sat beside me and rubbed soft circles on my back. I’m unsure how long it took, but he stayed with me and simply existed with me in peaceful silence. For a long time. Then I came out of it, finally returning to myself. I didn’t cry until I went to bed that night. I’d given everyone enough reasons to worry about my fragile mental state already.
I didn’t know it then, but I was having an autistic meltdown.
They aren’t always screaming, crying, fighting bouts of irrational behavior like the name would imply. For me, meltdowns are usually periods when my body shuts off until I’m able to handle whatever emotions I’m experiencing.
Now, I’m left wondering if I’ve learned enough in therapy and self-discovery to manage motherhood without melting down. I thought I could do it. I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant if I didn’t think I was capable.
Once it happened, my confidence has taken hit after hit since I first saw the two pink lines.
Can I handle holding a baby? Carrying a baby? Feeding, bathing, and changing a baby without those horrifying emotions overwhelming me?
The same paralyzing feeling I had that day so long ago threatens to creep in now. Uncomfortable fluttery sensations pepper the inside of my chest. I have to physically shake free of the fear with a wobble of my head and a cleansing breath.
I don’t want my fear to hold me back anymore.
I want to be strong like Sammy. I’m in awe of her. She’s so much like her mother. Perhaps it’s genetic.
My mother is formidable as well. I’m sure she never feared holding one of her babies. So if this type of strength is passed down the bloodline, perhaps there’s hope for me after all.
At the party earlier, Madeline pulled me aside to talk. Her words cut through many of my darkest fears. Much like she’s holding the babies now, her message was tender and firm at the same time. She figured out quickly that my issues with my body were a shield to distract me from worrying about failing as a mother. Insightful woman.
I close my eyes, remembering the wisdom she shared, letting it embolden me.
Susie, when you first hold your baby, you realize there’s nothing you won’t do for them. You’re still yourself. You’re also more. You’re a mother. It doesn’t make you infallible. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll second-guess your decisions. You’ll have regrets—heaven knows I have too many of them to count. There’ll be dark times. But you’ll make your way through. Even if it takes years to find the path through darkness, as it did for me. The only way to fail at motherhood is to give up. And mothers don’t yield. We can’t. We won’t. There’s magic in the love we have for our children. All you need to do is let that love guide you when you’re scared.
I blink open my eyes, returning to the moment with a new sense of calm.
Madeline stands a few feet in front of me beside Sammy’s hospital bed. There’s a poised sway to her body as she hums soothingly to the tiny baby girl wrapped in her arms.
Perhaps she senses me studying her because she meets my eyes and winks. “I told you that you wouldn’t pass out.”
A giggle bounces free from my gut, jostling my shoulders as it escapes.
Leo takes a seat beside me on the sofa. Well, it’s more of a bench that converts into a bed. I assume it’s so if a woman is in labor for a long time, the partner has somewhere to rest. If that’s the case, we may need something bigger for Leo when our time comes.
He kisses the side of my head, then slings an arm over my shoulders. “I’m proud of you, angel.”
I crinkle my nose and mouth, waving an open palm toward Sammy. “I’m not the one who propelled two babies out of her body. Be proud of your sister.”
“I’m proud of her too.” He shrugs sheepishly. “I have a confession, though.”
Studying him carefully, I find nothing to indicate he’s about to spring bad news on me. His posture is relaxed, and an irresistible grin caresses his features.
“What is it?”
“Despite the plan for you to stay in the room for the birth, I didn’t think you’d do it. I’m sorry for doubting you.”
I slope my head at an angle, faintly nibbling the inside of my cheek. “You know how much I hate surprises. I can’t even watch suspenseful movies without checking spoilers first.”
His grin turns cheeky. “This was like checking the spoilers?”
I nod. “It’s often the unknown that causes me the most anxiety. Once I know what to expect, I’m better equipped.” I pause to gesture at my stomach. “There’s no stopping this from happening for us, and I needed to see the full experience.”
“Are you glad you did?”
Rather than spitting out just any answer, I think it over.
It was terrifying. It was exhilarating. It was uncomfortable. It was overwhelming.
And it was beautiful.
Leo and Big Al waited just outside the door when it was time for the birth. Madeline and I stood on one side of Sammy’s bed with Sawyer on the other. When I got flustered, Madeline held my hand. She knew I was frightened, but she wouldn’t let me falter. Sawyer was there for Sammy with his every breath, coaching her on and showering her with love and praise. Madeline only had to chime in here and there to help soothe Sammy.
It hits me then.
I won’t be doing this alone.
And I’m not only referring to giving birth. I won’t be alone when raising our son either.
My gentle giant protector will be on one side, and an Army of female warriors will be on the other. How could I possibly fail?
Without doubt clouding my response, I answer, “Yes, Leo. I’m so glad I did. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever been lucky enough to witness.”
His large hand splays over my stomach, covering about half of it. “And did it help you prepare?”
He seems so insecure. It’s unlike him to need reassurance from me. He’s my rock. My boulder.
I guess sometimes even boulders need someone to steady them.
As I search for the right words, he grows impatient, asking again, “Do you feel better prepared for when our time comes?”
Ours.
See? I’m not alone in this.
I adjust my position on the bench, angling my body toward his. As my gaze caresses his handsome face, I let my smile answer for me.
He reads my message as if I’ve handed him a printed note.
Yes, I’m ready. We’re gonna be fine.
All three of us.
Leo lowers his face to mine, joining our lips for a tender kiss. The familiar roughness of his beard contrasts beautifully with his pillowy lips. One of my hands covers his where it rests over our baby.
Tendrils of hope curl around our intertwined fingers. The love we already have for our son will continue to grow and bloom, mingling with the love we have for each other.
“Ahem,” a deep voice cuts through my love fog.
Leo and I break the kiss, glancing toward the source of the sound while keeping within an inch of each other.
It’s Sawyer.
He’s screwed his face into something resembling a grim expression. “I’m gonna need you two to keep it PG around the babies.”
“Oh, hush up, you.” Madeline, who just settled the newborn baby girl on Sammy’s chest, waves Sawyer off with a flick of her wrist. “These little darlings need to soak in love. Let them see healthy examples of a relationship as often as possible. That way, when they’re old enough to fall in love, they know exactly what it looks like.”
Sammy rolls her eyes. “Mom, they can barely see a foot in front of their adorable faces. What Sue and Leo are doing on the other side of the room doesn’t matter one way or another.”
“Ignore them,” Madeline tells us. “Be kissy-kissy and lovey-dovey all you want. We have two precious new souls to surround in love and joy.”
“Is she gonna be like this with us?” I ask Leo, my voice so quiet only he can hear me. “All optimistic and cheery like?”
“This is a full-service spoiler for you, angel.”
My barking laugh must startle the baby girl in Sammy’s arms. Little Laci Sawyer—named after the hero nurse—breaks out in a scratchy wail.
I watch to see how Sammy handles the situation, mentally taking more notes for later analysis.Her face pinches as she shuffles the pink bundle from one arm to the other. She tries cooing and talking quietly to her, but it doesn’t work. Laci just cries louder.
Sawyer looks on, both of his brows arched with a hint of concern. He’s holding his son gently against his chest while bouncing side to side. Sawyer’s a natural.
Madeline hovers non-threateningly over Sammy. “Do you want to feed her? It may calm her down.”
Sammy gulps, meeting her mother’s question with wide, worried eyes. “It’s not too soon to try again?”
Huh . Sammy’s unsure?
Madeline beams at her daughter, then down at her grandbaby. “Not at all, dear.”
Sammy nods, asking, “Can you help me get her latched on, or should we call the nurse back in?”
“I can help you.”
I watch the exchange with rapt fascination. All along, I’ve been assuming Sammy wasn’t going to need guidance as a mother. No clue why I thought that, considering she’s only been a mother for an hour.
Knowing Sammy’s a tad unsettled as a new mother causes my shoulders to sag with relief. A soft puff of air leaves me.
“That’s my cue to step out,” Leo announces, rising smoothly. “I’ll tell the gang they can start rotating in to meet the babies in a few minutes, so you’ll have time to feed them first.”
Leo reaches his hand out. I take it tentatively, my gaze bouncing from him to the scene unfolding behind him. Madeline’s taken Laci back while Sammy adjusts the pillows, getting herself positioned properly like the lactation coach showed her earlier.
“Leo, you don’t have to leave,” Sammy says. “I’ll be feeding them around you eventually. Might as well rip the bandage.”
“Just don’t stare,” Sawyer adds. “That’d be creepy.”
Leo holds up his hands. “Gross, dude. She’s my sister. It’s a bit uncomfortable for me. I don’t even want to be reminded Sammy has...” He holds his rounded hands over his chest.
“They’re called boobs, bro. And that’s dumb,” Sammy answers, her hands reaching out for her daughter.
“Just give him something else to focus on so he doesn’t think about the ick factor,” Madeline suggests. “In fact, I think Leo and Sue should hold our little darling boy while Sawyer helps me get our feisty Laci latched on. He needs to practice as well.”
A half hour ago, I would have been terrified of this idea. Now? I’m ready.
It’s unreal how quickly witnessing this entire event has encouraged me.
I yank Leo by his wrist. “Let’s do it.”
“Uh.” He tips his head back and forth. “Okay. I’ll stay.” He joins me on the bench, our thighs touching.
Sawyer saunters over toward us, cooing at his son with each step. “Daddy’s gonna give you to your Aunt Sue and Uncle Leo now. Don’t worry. His beard won’t hurt you. I’m gonna help sissy have a little snack. Ladies first. Mommy’s gonna feed you next. I’ll be right back. You’re in good hands.”
A lump forms in my throat as I witness the tender affection he has for his son. Only a dad for such a short time, and he’s already head over heels in love with him.
He plants his feet in front of me, his eyes swinging from Leo’s to mine. “Who wants to hold the world’s most amazing baby boy?”
Leo and I trade looks. His forehead lowers as if he’s deferring to me.
I better do this before I lose my nerve.
Deep breath.
I flop my arms out flat in front of me like a table. “I’ll take him.”
Leo rubs his palm over my upper back, silently conveying his approval. Then he leans in and kisses my cheek.I melt a little.
As Sawyer begins lowering the baby into my arms, my heart stomps so violently that I start to wonder if a chorus line of Irish step dancers have camped out in there. It’s like the Riverdance show my mother played when I was young. I always loved the precision of the dancers’ movements, and the tapping was so rhythmic. After a while, it became my comfort show. I’d yank on the bottom of my mother’s shirt and stomp my feet, wordlessly telling her I wanted to watch it.
With a deep inhale, I steady myself and fix my attention on the newborn settling in the cradle of my arms.
He’s bundled up in the pastel blue blanket so tightly it’s more like holding a loaf of bread than a baby. Poor thing can’t move. He’s just crammed in there with only his little head exposed.
And I’m doing this.
I’m holding a baby. My nephew.
My chest trembles as oxygen fills my lungs in craggy streams.Warm, fuzzy emotions flood through me. Unlike normal, I don’t feel compelled to sort through or curtail them. Instead, I eagerly let them come, reveling in how they wash over me like gentle waves.
If I can feel this much instant affection for my nephew by marriage, then I can only imagine how I’ll feel for my own child.
Madeline was right. There’s something magical happening here.
Sawyer hasn’t departed my space bubble yet, so I force myself to take my eyes off this little bundle of adorable sweetness to pin him with a playful glare. “Buzz off. We got this.”
The lines on his forehead deepen and multiply.“You sure you’re good?”
Recreating a move I’ve seen from Kri a dozen times, I intensify the speed and force of my blinks, hoping he feels as threatened as I intend.“Listen, I may have only held this child for a few seconds, but I would maim, murder, and go to war for him. Now, beat it. You’re ruining my high.”
Leo’s rich chuckle is a shot of pride through my veins. I love when he laughs like that. Somehow, he conveys how I’ve surprised him in the best way with a few shakes of his massive chest and deep vibrato.
Learning his sounds has been an unexpected highlight of our marriage. It’s one of those things I never thought was possible until I experienced it. Before Leo, I didn’t have anyone I knew so completely I could detect differences in simple laughs, hums, or even sighs.
Sawyer raises his palms out, taking a single step backward. Then he grabs the collar of his shirt, jerking it to the side. In one of his voices, he says, “ Sheesh . I get no respect.”
Aside from the babies, I’m the only one who doesn’t laugh. Must be from something before my time. Instead of teasing them about being old, I focus on the baby.
The one in my arms. Ahhh!
Before Sawyer heads over to help Sammy get settled with their daughter, he hovers his face over his son’s. “Daddy will be right back, Logan. I love you.” With tenderness, he kisses his forehead and inhales as if trying to absorb the baby’s essence.
My heart melts as I envision the future, with Leo doing something similar to our baby.
Suddenly, I cannot wait to be a mother.
“Is that what you’re naming him?” Leo asks, his voice uncharacteristically shaky.
A quick peek at him confirms he’s choked up with raw emotions.
Sawyer returns to his full height and runs his hands over his mint-colored scrubs. He holds Leo’s stare for a heavy few seconds.
And then Sawyer nods. “Is it okay?”
Leo clears his throat, choking down whatever feelings have been unearthed by the name. I’m dying to ask why they’re reacting this way.
But I don’t. Not yet.
I expect Leo will explain. He fecking better. And soon.
Tick-tock, feckers.
The moment stretches on for far too long. Worst of all, I have no idea if Leo’s abrupt change in demeanor is because he’s overcome with happy thoughts about the name or enraged by it.
Curse you, autism. You’ve failed me again.
And he’s making a liar of me since I was just telling the nice readers how I’ve become so attuned to my husband that I can decipher his sounds.
Without warning, Leo lurches to his feet and slams his body into his best friend’s. Their embrace is jarring and strong, and I find myself shying away from them. Without forethought, I hold the baby protectively against my chest.
Will ya look at that? A motherly instinct to protect the baby.
I got this shit.
Between now and my delivery, all I need to do is get over the fear of farting from pushing so hard.
Note to self: no beans or gassy foods for the rest of the pregnancy. Just in case.
The bro hug finally comes to an end. When Leo and Sawyer break apart, they’re both misty-eyed.
That’s it . I can’t take it anymore.“What’s with the name?”
Leo drags his finger under his eyes, drying the pooling moisture. He clears his throat and gives his head a tiny shake. “Logan Bowman was a soldier who served with us. He was our friend. He didn’t...”
When he can’t seem to get the words out, Sawyer takes over. “We lost him in Afghanistan. Some of us made a vow that whoever had a son first would name him in Logan’s honor.”
My sinuses sting. A single whispered word is all I can manage. “Wow.”
Leo and Sawyer exchange shoulder squeezes, then the new father dashes over to his wife and daughter. Madeline and Sammy are absolutely bawling their eyes out.
Without a free hand to wipe my face, tears stream onto my white Frostette shirt. I drop my gaze to little Logan, and a watery smile overtakes my face. “Hi there. You’re named after a great man. I hope you know how fortunate you are. Not all of us can say the same.”
“Uh-oh,” Leo mutters when he returns to my side, adding a playful sigh.
He knows what’s coming.
Daring to pull one hand free of the baby, I test my hold of him. He’s still solid in my grip, so I boop him on his little pixie nose. “Yep. You’re so lucky, Logan. Unlike me. I have the unfortunate distinction of being named after the most hated character on a children’s TV show. A baby-hating brat with pigtails and a horrible attitude. I’ll never forgive my parents for it. Count your blessings, little one.”
“Well, I happen to think Angelica is a beautiful name,” Madeline offers in a pathetic attempt to placate me.
Still making moon eyes at this adorable cherub, I widen my eyes and mouth comically. “Did you hear that, sweetheart? Grandma’s had too much reindeer punch.”
“Ahem,” Sammy pretends to clear her throat. It’s the same move her husband did a few minutes ago. They’re such a pair, those two.
“Yes?” Leo asks her.
“While we’re discussing names, I have something I’d like to share.”
Sawyer’s voice and expression grow deadly serious, which is unsettling. “Princess?”
Sammy looks at the baby in her arms, then back at her husband. A crooked grin settles on her face. “After much reflection, I’ve decided to take my husband’s last name, even if it’s weird as hell since he uses it as a first name. However, I’ll gladly do it because I love him.” More quietly, she adds, “And I also forgot to get him a present.”
As soon as the sentence ends, his lips are on hers.
“Excuse me, you two,” Madeline chides. “We need to keep it PG around the babies.”
A knock at the door cuts off everyone’s laughter. Except Leo, who seems especially proud of his mother for dropping that zinger.
Big Al sticks his head into the room tentatively. “Safe to enter?”
“Come on in, Boss,” Sawyer responds after silently checking with his wife. He’s finally stopped kissing her.
Sammy’s got their daughter on her breast but is mostly covered. I’d imagine she isn’t going to be the type of woman who shies away from feeding her babies when and where she wants. I’m a tad envious. Even if I wasn’t firmly on team formula , I don’t ever see myself being confident enough to just whip out a boob in mixed company.
When I confessed my decision not to breastfeed to Madeline earlier, she didn’t make me feel guilty about it. I can’t remember how she phrased it, but the message was clear—just because a mother doesn’t nurse her babies doesn’t make her less of a mother.
That was it.
Boss, still partially dressed as Santa, bounds into the room. “The lobby has gotten substantially more chaotic in the last few minutes. And the new people are asking for Sue.”
“Me?” I ask, my blood pressure spiking. “New people? Why?”
Seriously. Ew .
“Don’t worry. It’s friendly fire,” he jokes as he approaches. “I’ll take the baby, and you can go say hi to your extended family.”
Extended family? Sounds like Amos-holes. What would they be doing here on Christmas Eve?
As much as I don’t want to let my nephew go, I gently pass him off to Big Al so I can satiate my curiosity. Leo and I scurry out to the waiting room, hand in hand.
When we turn the last corner, the double doors come into sight. And the decibel level on the other side has reached alarming levels.
“Definitely the Amos-holes,” Leo quips before pushing the door open.
As suspected, the lobby is full of redheads, pranksters, and laughter. This hospital has no idea what it’s in for.