Chapter Eight February
when are you coming back??
i need a night out pls come back to maryland
Terry is perfectly capable of providing moral support
and he’s already agreed to go out but you know when it’s just me and terry we both get blackout drunk. remember a few years ago when we woke up in a field and you had to come find us?
Jenna May (11:14 a.m.)
Point taken. Don’t go drinking with Terry without a babysitter.
I’ll be back in town on Monday, think you can survive until then?
Has Max been spamming you with pictures yet? Because my lil baby niece is adorable ??
Nick (11:16 a.m.)
max sent me pictures. you sent me pictures. your mom sent me pictures. my mom sent me pictures. my phone is nothing but pictures of your niece.
Jenna May (11:18 a.m.)
Well you’re welcome
Why do you need a night out btw?
Nick typed “Brady” before deleting it. It was true, he was feeling lonely because he’d lost a friend over a misunderstanding, but he didn’t really want to have that lecture from Jenna again.
Nick (11:20 a.m.)
because my coworkers suck and i need to decompress before my head explodes
i need you guys to convince me not to quit
Jenna May (11:25 a.m.)
Nick.
Nickolas.
Nickolas Jakob Porter.
Like I know you’re kidding but like maybe you should quit?? You hate your job and it stresses me out seeing how much it stresses you out
Whoops. In an effort to avoid a Brady-related lecture, he’d fallen into a work-related one.
Nick (11:30 a.m.)
obviously i was kidding i’m not going to quit that’s crazy
Jenna May (11:32 a.m.)
how is it crazy to quit a job you hate??
Nick (11:32 a.m.)
everyone hates their job
Jenna May (11:32 a.m.)
I don’t hate my job.
Nick rolled his eyes and ignored her. Of course Jenna didn’t hate her job.
She worked at a museum. She had a cool job.
No one had ever lied and told him accounting would be fun; he’d known what he’d been getting himself into.
What was quitting going to do, anyway? He’d just end up with a similar job somewhere else, but without the seniority he’d acquired over the past few years.
Nick (11:35 a.m.)
so you’ll be back monday? i got a game you free tuesday?
Jenna May (11:37 a.m.)
I don’t want you to think I didn’t notice you changed the topic, but yeah I’m good with Tuesday
Bmore?
A part of him had the sudden, crazy urge to suggest they go to Krazy Dan’s. Maybe they’d run into Brady, and he could—
He could what, exactly? Be an ass? Prove to Brady he that didn’t miss him when it was a damn lie? If Nick was going to pretend he no longer had a crush, that seemed like the worst way to go about it. And the meanest. Whatever had happened between them, it wasn’t like Nick wanted to hurt Brady.
Nick (11:45 a.m.)
sure.
Jenna May (11:48 a.m.)
Before I let you get back to a job you hate but pretend you don’t
You need to talk? About Brady?
Nick (11:52 a.m.)
yikes it looks like my lunch time is up have fun with your niece give her a hug for me
Jenna May (11:55 a.m.)
Once again you’ve changed the subject but I’m going to allow it because I wanna go snuggle the baby
*
A week back into the swing of things, and Nick had the timing for games down to a science.
If he grabbed food before he left work, he’d get back home with enough time to go for a run.
Depending on how late the game was, it might be a quick one-mile run or a long five-miler.
That gave him the perfect excuse to roll into the locker room with barely enough time to gear up and get out on the ice before puck drop.
He’d also be the first one off the ice to change after the game had ended, then back out to his car without having more than a superficial conversation with anyone.
Especially not with cute, confusing Brady Derek Jensen.
Things had not gone well after the hotel.
That Sunday, the Jagr Bombs had finished off the tournament poorly; he and Brady had both been off-kilter, missing passes, making sloppy plays, and generally sinking the team’s chances of winning.
They placed a respectable third, though there were plenty of glances their way that made Nick feel terrible about damaging the team’s performance.
Since then, he and Brady hadn’t talked. Nothing more than a “what’s up?” or a “good game” or a “see you next week” and the occasional “pass my water bottle.” Everything else remained unsaid, and their usual meetings at rinks or the bar were abandoned by silent-but-mutual agreement.
There was one time that they’d almost been forced to talk. Nick was used to taking whatever space in the locker room was still free, usually some spot by a pole or the bathroom that no one else wanted. It was fine, a sacrifice he was willing to make if it meant not having to interact with Brady.
One night he arrived, and the only reasonable spot left was next to Brady.
He’d stood in the doorway a moment, staring and wondering vaguely if he was having a particularly on-the-nose bad dream. But no, nothing had changed no matter how much he wished it to, and he’d been forced to squish in between Brady and Mags.
Brady looked as uncomfortable as Nick felt.
There was a slight look of terror on his face when he watched Nick sit down next to him; it was the first time Nick had allowed himself to actually look at Brady, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about what he saw.
Dark lines under his eyes echoed Nick’s own restless nights.
He leaned away, almost flinched whenever Nick moved, and had a stiffness like he was conscious of every movement he made.
It was a little gratifying to know Brady felt something about what had happened. It also sucked; Brady was still running away, still avoiding him.
They were teammates and nothing more, and the loss hurt. But that night in the hotel… all that anticipation, that build up, amounting to nothing. They’d connected—he knew they had—and Brady had decided it wasn’t worth pursuing.
It’d been painful to wake up alone that morning, with Brady in the shower and his bed looking like a damn tornado had gone through the room.
Nick had looked at the mess and wondered if Brady had tossed and turned half as much as he had.
Maybe Brady had been as upset as Nick about the whole thing, even if he’d been the one to abruptly change gears.
It sucked.
They had complete radio silence for a good two weeks after the tournament.
It was their brief “off-season,” the few weeks out of the year with no league games.
Without hockey to hold them together, there’d been no need to talk because neither of them was ever going to address the elephant in the room.
Nick (3:14 p.m.)
am i crazy and just imagining this distance? like did i completely imagine that he was hitting on me and had planned this out??
Jenna May (4:05 p.m.)
No clue you’re the one who was there living it
HOWEVER I will point out that
1. You’ve told me the whole story and I don’t think you could have been imagining EVERYTHING
2. HE is the one who suggested sharing a room
3. If you were imagining everything why isn’t HE texting you now??
You two used to hang out a lot and now nothing? That means something *changed*
He feels weird about it too that’s why he’s avoiding you
Nick (5:47 p.m.)
what do i do??
Jenna May (5:53 p.m.)
Hell if I know
The healthy thing would be to talk about it
As I have been suggesting all along
How would that conversation even go?
“Hey, I thought maybe for a second there you wanted to fuck, and then you changed your mind. What gives?”
Nick (5:59 p.m.)
hard no on that
Jenna May (6:07 p.m.)
Then I got nothing for ya
In case you need to hear it though: This isn’t your fault
These are clearly Brady’s issues that he’s gotta work through
And unless he’s willing to do that, this was always gonna go to shit at some point
She had a point. If Nick always had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach whenever he so much as thought about talking to Brady, he couldn’t imagine how scared Brady must be.
The easiest thing to do (if not the “adult” thing to do) would be to move on.
To put on his big-boy pants, make a conscious decision that this Brady thing was never going to happen, and go out of his way to act like he believed that.
He’d open up those lines of communication again, invite Brady to pick-up or a beer, and broadcast non-flirty vibes the whole time.
Because no matter how much he’d like more, what Nick really wanted was his friend back. He missed Brady.
But every time he thought he’d made the decision to act, he’d see Brady again and his resolve would waver.
If Brady were just a pretty face, it wouldn’t matter.
There were plenty of hot guys out there.
The problems would come when Brady opened his stupid mouth or did something, and Nick would be right back where he started, pining for someone who wouldn’t move forward.
They didn’t interact with each other, but Nick was close enough to observe him interacting with others, and yeah, Brady was still the complete package, still a sweet guy, still rocking that dry sense of humor.
Still hiding behind his undefined sexual orientation and/or fear of commitment.
Ugh.
Basically, his head and his heart were on different pages, and Nick needed to do something that would jumpstart the whole “moving on” thing.
Leave the team? Not an option. He was a member of the Jagr Bombs as much as Brady was, and quitting seemed too extreme.
Get laid, as Max had suggested months ago? Ehh, he wasn’t interested. His attraction to Brady wasn’t solely sexual, so that didn’t seem promising.
He needed to go smaller than that.
Unfriend him on Facebook? Petty, stupid, and ultimately useless since his whole goal was to get to a place where they could be friends again.
Oh.
Nick closed out of his conversation with Jenna and opened up his one with Brady. There wasn’t anything new there, and it brought up his oldest message.
Jensie from Hockey (7:17 p.m.)