Chapter Seventeen September #4
Nick winced. He’d been lucky that his own classmates hadn’t cared to spread rumors about him, true or otherwise, when he’d been in school, but he’d met plenty of people who weren’t so fortunate.
It killed him to know that teenage Brady had to go through this shit, and it put a lot of their relationship into perspective.
“So you stopped fooling around with guys,” Nick guessed.
“Yeah. Stopped hockey for a while, too. Stopped skating, even after my ankle was better… Lost my scholarship to a D1 school and stayed local. Didn’t even join my college team because I couldn’t bring myself to step foot in a locker room for a couple years.”
The idea that Brady Derek Jensen had stopped playing hockey for literal years did not compute.
Nick completely understood Brady’s reluctance to start anything…
and his fear of what would happen if someone found out.
It hurt that Brady had ever thought Nick was like those guys, but he could understand. Fear wasn’t rational.
“Eventually, I got back into hockey because I missed it too much. I remember thinking, if I was going to be miserable, I should be a miserable guy who played hockey. So I did some rec league and some pick-up, but that was about it until I finished grad school and moved out here.”
Nick reached out and squeezed his arm. He wanted to do more.
He wanted to wrap Brady in a blanket until he forgot his shitty youth.
He wanted to travel back in time and save Brady from the shitstorm he’d had to deal with, or maybe drive up to Pittsburgh, team up with Lucy, and kick some ass to retroactively defend Brady’s honor.
He couldn’t do those things (or at least shouldn’t do the last one), so he settled for that small point of contact.
Brady accepted the gesture, but it sparked a look of shame that Nick didn’t understand.
“What’s wrong?” Nick asked.
The seconds ticked by painfully.
“Do you even still want me?” Brady asked quietly. He pushed his beer bottle around on his cardboard coaster, stiff and stained from constant re-use, and pointedly didn’t look at Nick.
Nick quirked his head to the side. “Huh?”
“I’m not the guy you think I am. I’m not…
I’m not easy to date. I freeze half the time when you try to hold my hand in public.
I don’t know how to be in a relationship that other people know about.
I fucking ran to another state because someone called me your boyfriend.
Is it even worth it to you anymore? Am I even worth it to you anymore? ”
So far in his life, Nick had had the good fortune never to have his heart broken.
He’d had messy break-ups and he’d been hurt, but it’d never messed with his equilibrium long term.
A week moping, maybe two if he really liked the guy, and then he was himself again.
He used to joke that the Caps getting kicked out of the playoffs hurt more than his love life.
Now, though? Now his heart was breaking listening to Brady talk about himself like he wasn’t worth the effort of being with.
“Can I hug you right now?” Nick asked, keeping very still to stop himself from springing on Brady and tackling him to the ground. “Because I think we both need a hug right now, but I don’t wanna… If you don’t want—”
Brady looked up at him, stunned. “You can.” Then he swallowed. “Hug me. If you want.”
With telegraphed movements, Nick slowly got off his stool, crossed the gap between them, and wrapped his arms around Brady.
Brady was stiff for a beat until his body shuddered through a silent sob and he relaxed into the hug.
He buried his face in Nick’s chest, worked his arms around Nick’s waist, and grabbed fists full of Nick’s shirt.
It wasn’t so much a hug as Brady tethering himself to Nick; Nick’s heart swelled.
He laid his chin on Brady’s head and rubbed soothing circles into his back, a wordless promise of I hear you, I understand you, and I still care about you.
“Don’t ever think you’re not worth it,” Nick said.
“You’re allowed to be a real person. It won’t make me care about you any less.
I’m sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise. ”
Someone shouted as the pinball machine stole his dollar, and Brady and Nick separated. Nick settled back in his seat, though not before moving it closer so their legs could tangle together beneath the bar.
“So,” Brady said after coughing through a lump in his throat, “you can kinda see why I avoided starting anything with you for a while.”
“Yeah,” Nick said on a sigh. Then he smiled wide, “But you wanted to.”
Brady rolled his eyes affectionately. “You fishing for compliments? Yeah, I wanted to. I really wanted to. Fuck, I knew the minute I met you.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Nick winked. “And right back at you.”
This time Brady grabbed his face and pushed him away playfully. “You’re the worst.”
“Uh huh.” He knocked Brady’s hand away. “I totally am. Too bad that you kinda like me anyway.”
“I do kinda like you,” Brady confessed with wide, earnest eyes. Nick already knew, but it made him ridiculously happy to hear it. “That’s why we’re here.”
“Then why weren’t you here?” he asked. The hurt of being abandoned was in his voice, and he felt suddenly as raw as he had when he’d woken up that morning alone. “I think I get it, but I want to make sure I get it.”
“Because I’ve never been in a real relationship with a guy,” Brady blurted out as though he’d lose his nerve if he didn’t word vomit as quickly as possible. “Didn’t think I ever would be. Didn’t care to admit that maybe that’s what we’ve been doing the past few months.”
“And so someone suggesting we’re boyfriends…”
“I had to think,” Brady hastily said, the word boyfriend clearly not one he could handle yet, even just between them.
“Were you thinking of how to get out of it…?”
Brady looked down and gulped. “Maybe? It wasn’t the only thing I thought about, but yeah, it crossed my mind.”
“Why the sudden change of heart? You miss me that much?” he tried to joke, but it didn’t feel like a joke.
“Kind of,” Brady admitted. Nick almost smiled; Brady might have left, but at least he’d wanted to come back.
“I like what we have, and as much as it freaks me the fuck out that we have something and people know about it, I don’t want to lose it.
And like… you haven’t once treated me the way those shitheads in high school did.
The worst that’s happened is I chickened out and we were both miserable, but no one was angry, and no one said awful things about the other, and no one had to get kicked off the team or whatever, and no one got injured. ”
“I’m glad you agree I’m more mature than those asshats.”
Brady rolled his eyes. “I mean, I’ve also seen videos of you wrestling a pig on your grandpa’s farm, so don’t pretend you’re that mature.”
“That pig had it coming!”
“Of course he did,” Brady said condescendingly.
“She did. Ask Terry!”
“And if I ask Jenna…?”
“Jenna is a dirty liar and doesn’t know anything about pigs, so her opinion doesn’t count. Also don’t change the subject! We’re having a heartfelt moment of understanding here, and I don’t care for you throwing my past failures in my face.”
“So you admit the pig won—”
Nick punched him in the arm.
Brady punched him back.
It was comforting that they could fall back into things so easily.
“You should be nice to me.” Nick pouted, really hamming it up. “You abandoned me.”
“Want me to make it up to you?” Brady offered, like it was something he’d been hoping to bring up the whole time.
Immediately Nick perked up. “Hard yes, but I feel like we’re about two necessary talking points away from that.”
Brady nodded grimly. “What’s the first one?”
“Are we dating?” And then in a rush he added, “We don’t have to send out public announcements or change our Facebook statuses or anything, but I need to know. Between you and me and maybe a few people who won’t leave us alone until we admit it, are we a thing?”
“…did my sister talk to you? More than the Facebook post?”
“Don’t avoid the question,” he said dismissively. “Also on a completely unrelated topic, your phone password is probably garbage. What is it, 6891? 6868? Just 68?”
“I’m going to kill her,” Brady muttered under his breath.
“And change your password?”
“I think,” he said, pointedly ignoring Nick’s comments, “that yeah, we’re together. Assuming you want—”
“I want.”
Brady smiled affectionately at his eagerness. “Then we’re together. But, uh… I’d prefer not to broadcast that. I need time to… uh…”
“Ease into the idea of having a boyfriend?”
“Something like that,” he said. His eyes darted around the bar before he caught himself, and he seemed annoyed that he’d reflexively made sure no one was paying any attention to them.
“I need to be comfortable with it before I can be comfortable with other people knowing about it. And those other people maybe not being comfortable with it.”
Nick didn’t know if it was his place to ask, but if they were boyfriends, maybe… “Is your family okay with…?”
Brady sighed through his nose. “My sister doesn’t care.
I don’t think my parents care. They were pretty supportive during high school when they found out.
My mom quit a church book club when some lady shared some rumor about me, and my dad likes to loudly say that his friend-from-work’s daughter is a lesbian and how he’d be okay with his kids being gay. ”
“Your parents are now my favorite people in Pittsburgh.”
“You better watch your mouth, I’ll tell Lucy you said that.”
“I have never met this Lucy you speak of so clearly you’re trying to scare me.”
“Uh huh.”
“So would your family be cool if I like… come with you to Pittsburgh sometime?” Nick offered. “I still want to cash in that rain check from the drive back from Canada.”
Brady made a face. “Immediate family? Not an issue. More distant family like aunts, uncles, cousins, and all them…” He shrugged.
“Don’t know. My parents didn’t talk to a few of them after…
well, after, when they were offering ‘friendly advice.’ Lucy didn’t invite a whole branch of the family to her wedding. ”
“Gotcha. We avoid the nosy aunties and homophobic uncles as needed. I can handle that.”
Brady looked relieved. “Really?”
“Yeah, sure. Why not?”
“I dunno. Your family seems so… nice? And open? And I’ve got family I haven’t spoken to in like a decade because they make me uncomfortable.”
Nick shrugged. “You be in charge of your family stuff, I’ll be in charge of mine.” A pause. “Or rather we’ll both be at the mercy of my female cousins because Jenna is only the tip of the iceberg.”
“Oh, I remember the volleyball games.”
“See? If you can handle my overbearing family who will adopt you despite your unfortunate choice of hockey team, then whatever. Besides, we’re a secret couple at the moment, so it’s not even relevant until you say it’s relevant.”
Brady looked like he might actually be swooning at Nick’s words of support and encouragement. He hesitated, then took Nick’s hand in his and twined their fingers together.
On top of the bar.
“Look at you,” Nick said, voice low as he leaned into Brady’s space. “Holding my hand in public for all five of the other patrons of this fine establishment to see.”
Brady’s face flushed an attractive pink that really shouldn’t be as adorable as it was. “Baby steps, right?” Brady muttered, though he looked very pleased with himself. “What’s your second talking point?”
“Right.” Nick put on his most serious face. “So you did kinda ditch me…”
Brady’s shoulders slumped. “Nick, I’m so sorry—”
“And,” he said pointedly, “I’m gonna need you to make it up to me. And we need to talk about how you’re gonna do it.”
Brady perked up. “What do I need to do?”
“We are going to have burgers and beer like we usually do. I am going to pretend to feel bad for you when the Penguins lose to the Ottawa Senators of all teams. And then, after we make out in the parking lot, you’re gonna take me to your place because you totally owe me make-up sex.”
Brady’s eyes went wide and then he laughed, a hearty full belly laugh that Nick adored. He leaned in and kissed Nick once chastely on the lips. “I think I can handle that,” he said, an echo of their first time together.
Nick had high hopes for their future.
“YES!” Brady shouted, eyes glued to the TV. He’d lifted up both of his hands and Nick’s, cheering at the Pens’ goal to make the game 7:3.
Well, Nick thought, too happy to see Brady happy to begrudge the Penguins one goal, at least he likes hockey.