Chapter Twenty-Five
Grayson
“Grayson,” Carrie called out from behind me.
I dropped my head and let out the breath I’d been holding. “We don’t have to do this now,” I told her, my voice soft. It had been two hours since Donna launched herself at my sunshine, and it had taken me that amount of time to calm the fuck down and get my blood lust under control. I wanted to kill that woman. Truth be told, I wanted to kill both of them and dump their bodies into a shallow grave.
But what kind of man would that make me?
Wouldn’t I be the monster Carrie was referring to Robert as?
I’d killed people. Not because I wanted to, not because of some twisted fucked up sport, but because it was necessary.
“Grayson, I’m okay,” my sunshine said to me, her voice closer now.
I knew that. I knew she was okay, and fuck, I was proud of her. She stood up for herself in there, not showing that crazy woman any fear. Carrie didn’t even flinch at the spineless insults thrown her way.
Finally, I lifted my head and looked out to the city, watching more snow fall from the heavens. “You’re one of the strongest people I know,” I admitted, my voice rough as I rose to my full height, pulling my hands from being braced on my desk. I turned to face her, taking in those stunning blue eyes and the loose curls that had escaped her bun. “Do you know that?”
She nodded. “Right back at ya.”
I shook my head, looking up to the ceiling. “She’s got no fucking clue,” I mumbled.
“Can I tell you something?” Carrie asked softly.
My eyes met hers again and I nodded once. “You never have to ask me that. Just tell me what’s on your mind, yeah?”
She took a small step forward. “I was surprised you didn’t…you know.”
I raised a brow and leaned my hips back against my desk. “I didn’t what?”
She chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment. “Kill her.”
My shoulders stiffened. “Do you want me to?”
Before she could answer, Jake appeared in the doorway. I jerked my chin to him. “What is it?”
He gestured to his laptop he had balanced on his forearm. “Michael Humbly wants an update.”
My eyes shot to Carrie to find her already moving. “Tell him I’m okay,” she begged. “Tell all of them that I’m—”
“—no,” I clipped, cutting her off.
Jake and Carrie’s heads snapped over to me. “What do you mean ‘no’?” Carrie demanded.
I pushed off the desk, sighing. “If everyone in Astoria knows you’re safe, then Brandon will go after them,” I explained.
“Brandon wouldn’t—”
“Until Hayes gets on a lock on him, no one in Astoria can know you’re safe, Carrie. Brandon Hale is unhinged and desperate. He will do anything— hurt anyone —to get to you,” I told her firmly.
Realization dawned, and slowly, she nodded. Tears welled in her eyes, and she pressed her lips together as she looked back to Jake. “He’s right, isn’t he?” she asked.
Jake looked pained as he answered, “He usually is.”
Carrie looked down to her feet and closed her eyes for a few stretched seconds. When she lifted her head again, she said, “Don’t tell him anything. Just leave it. When the time is right, we can explain the whole story to them.”
“We?” Jake parroted, raising a brow.
“Oh, I’m not facing Margo, Sarah, Michael, and Rossy alone. All of you are coming with me,” she explained, looking at me.
“Whatever you want,” I assured her.
“Margo scares the shit out of me,” Jake muttered, looking down at his laptop and pressing a few keys.
“She’s harmless,” Carrie promised, laughing a bit as Dominic walked in, squeezing past Jake.
“Be sure to remind Hayes of that when he gets back,” Dominic said, coming for me.
Carrie and Jake exchanged a look as I shook my head. “Don’t go there, Dominic,” I warned.
“Already there,” he returned, looking at his phone, moving swiftly and smoothly across the space. “Unpacked and set up shop.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Jake inquired. “What did I miss?”
“Nothing,” I answered, holding my hand out for the file Dominic was here to give me.
Dominic handed the file to me, pocketed his phone, and looked over to Carrie. “You doing okay? Need anything?”
Jake cocked his head to the side and stepped in front of Carrie. “Don’t bypass that, Dominic. What do you know?”
“I know everything.”
Jesus fucking Christ.
I shot Carrie a look and shook my head. She gave me a smile in return, the sight of it, the raw beauty of it, nearly gutting me where I stood. Clearing my throat, I moved around my desk, opening the file as I went. Dominic had done his own research, compiling a list of Robert’s victims’ family members and their addresses. Now, we had everything. We were set to do the right thing, but it wasn’t my decision anymore. After last night, hearing Carrie’s confession, things had shifted. I wasn’t ready to throw away the happiness I’d found with her, and I sure as fuck wasn’t strong enough to do it. Red Snake and the reputation my boys and I worked so hard to build was on the brink of extinction.
Yet, I could pull the fucking trigger. It didn’t matter to me if it was the right thing. Everything that was right and good about me was standing twenty feet from me, smiling up at Dominic and Jake. I couldn’t be the one to make this decision.
It had to be Carrie.
Until that happened, this file would remain in my top left drawer.
Sometimes making the right choice was the hardest choice of all.
“We have to talk about it, don’t we?”
My jaw tightened as I stirred the soup that had been simmering all afternoon, wishing I could just take Carrie away to somewhere warm and filled with color, somewhere we could both start over and leave our pasts behind us.
However, that wasn’t possible. “Yeah, Sunshine,” I said softly. “We do.”
I turned to face the woman of my dreams sitting on the island, her hands in her lap with her ankles crossed, wearing one of my shirts and a pair of sweats. The brightness in her eyes from earlier was now gone, sadness looming over her like a dark cloud. She’d been through so much, and yet there was still so much to be done.
The world never stopped, not even for her, and it killed me on the inside. If I could stop it, I would. If I could protect her from all the pain coming for her—and me—I would. I’d do anything to prevent this, but only if she’d let me.
My team’s dark suggestion lingered in the back of my mind.
Way I see it, we go to the FBI, we face jail time. We clean up the mess our way, Red Snake remains intact. We’d just have to fly under the radar for a bit.
Justice—when it comes to that fucking family—is death.
I couldn’t act on it, not until she told me what she wanted.
“What do you want, baby?” The question came out soft, just above a whisper, filled with agony.
Her face twisted, and she looked away from me, her bottom lip trembling now. “I want to be happy, Grayson. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and folded my arms over my chest to keep from touching her. “Tell me what to do,” I begged.
She jerked, her eyes meeting mine again. “What?”
“Tell me what to fucking do,” I repeated, my voice hard. “Tell me what I need to do so you can be happy. I won’t be happy unless you’re happy.”
A single tear fell from her eye, landing on her pink cheek. “I can’t make the decision that would ruin multiple lives, Grayson. I can’t…”
“You have to,” I told her simply.
Carrie threw her hands in the air. “Why? Why do I have to?” she cried, her voice cracking.
I snapped then, the pain in her beautiful voice sending me over the edge. “Because if you don’t, then I’ll be a monster, just like him,” I growled, trying to keep my temper at bay. “I’ll be no better than Robert.”
More tears.
More devastation.
More agony.
It was never-ending.
Would she and I ever escape it? Or were we just two souls damned too soon?
“What are you talking about?” she pushed out.
“Sunshine, if I make the fucking choice, it won’t be the right one. It will be the selfish one, the one that keeps you and Red Snake safe, the one that keeps you with me, in my bed every damn night. Don’t make me choose, Carrie,” I seethed, dropping my arms. “Because I choose you. I will always choose you, every goddamn time. You’re my fucking life, Carrie. Nothing will ever come before you.”
She gaped at me, tears shining in her eyes as her chest heaved. “Grayson,” she breathed. “You can’t mean that—”
“I fucking do. That will never fucking change. Before you, I was nothing, a shell of a fucking man barely hanging onto his fucking soul. When I first met you, I couldn’t get you out of my head. I dreamed of you, worried about you. You were like a fever a couldn’t fucking break,” I explained, my heart calling out to her. I didn’t mind going over our time together again. Hell, I’d remind her of her power over me every single day if I could, but right now, she needed to get me.
She needed to understand my darkness.
“The second time I left you, as I walked out your door with your taste on my lips, baby, you were mine. You know that, right?” I didn’t wait for her to give me an answer as I watched more tears fall from her eyes. “Hold those tears in, gorgeous,” I begged, unable to take it. “Carrie, you were mine then, and I was yours. It was done. Nothing since that night has changed for me. If anything, I love you more. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy, Sunshine. Just tell me what to fucking do. ”
A broken sob left her then, and she covered her mouth, shaking her head.
“You want to know why I call you Sunshine?” I asked. Again, I didn’t wait for her response. I just kept going, pouring it all out for her as fear threatened to take control. “My life hasn’t always been dark, Carrie. You know this, but here’s the truth: my life has never been warm .”
Slowly, her hand fell away from her face. “W-what are you talking about?”
“I call you Sunshine because you keep me warm,” I whispered, my chest aching.
She came for me then, hopping off the counter, closing the space between us before she shot to her toes, grabbing my face, but I was already meeting her halfway. Our mouths collided in a frenzy of emotion, our lips blending with her tears. I groaned at the taste, hating them as I kissed her harder, my hands cupping her face as hers dropped to my shoulders.
We broke apart minutes later, and I rested my forehead against hers.
When she broke the silence, my stomach twisted. “If I choose you, I’ll never be able to live with myself,” she confessed softly, holding my eyes. “I love you, but I couldn’t sleep at night knowing what we know. It would eat at me, Grayson. Slowly. It would always be in the back of my mind.”
My fucking sunshine and her heart. This is why she needed to be the one in control. “I know.”
She inhaled a trembling breath. “But if I choose them, I might lose you.”
Like hell.
I pulled back and stroked my thumbs against her cheeks. “You will never lose me. No matter what happens, whether I’m rotting in a prison cell or not. My heart—no, baby,— my damn soul belongs to you . I’m yours. Don’t you get that?” My eyes scanned hers. “That will never change.”
“We don’t have to talk about this now,” I offered after a few moments of silence. “We can push it.”
Carrie shook her head. “What kind of people would that make us?”
Before I could stop it, a small, rough chuckle came from my chest. “You sound just like Hayes.”
Her brows came together. “I do?”
I nodded. “You and Hayes are cut from the same cloth. Pure and decent.”
She removed her hands from my shoulders and wrapped her fingers around my wrists. “I’m tired of being the good person. Nothing has ever come of it.”
I shook my head against hers. “Don’t. Don’t talk like that, Carrie.”
A harsh laugh came from her then. “Why? My entire life has been nothing but hell, and then I get a small taste of happiness—of true love—and it’s ripped away from me?” she continued as she backed away from me. I remained where I was, watching as she crumbled for me, just as I did for her. “What did I do to deserve this life?” she sobbed, bowing her head as she leaned back against the island. “I just want to be happy.”
My gut twisted, the knife inside digging itself deeper. “Tell me to do it,” I pleaded, my voice shaking.
This was the worst form of torture I’d ever endured. I’d rather be held down—deformed again. This, watching my everything crumble, was hell. “Baby, please,” I growled. “Fucking tell me to do it. I’ll have it done by morning, and we can put it in the past. We can be happy.”
Carrie looked up at me again, her face red and wet, devastation painted over her beauty. “It would eat at me.”
My throat worked. “I’ll make you forget.”
Her chest caved in, and she looked up to the ceiling, closing her eyes. “Are you going to hate me if—”
“—never,” I finished for her, closing the distance between us again. Those blue eyes collided with mine.
Silence fell around us for sometime, neither of us moving, the unspoken words between us louder than a war zone. Instead of letting the pain take over, I took her mouth again, kissing her slowly, savoring her. She fell into me, letting me consume her, letting me love her. Before she could get back into her head again, I lifted my woman into my arms and carried her into the bedroom.
“Sarah was the one who told me,” I confessed, referring to the day she was kidnapped.
It was close to midnight. I’d made love to her, worshiping her body in a way I never had before, and after, I washed her in the shower, kissing every inch of her skin. Then, when we were both dressed, I led her back into the living room, and we ate on the couch while one of her favorite movies played on the TV. Now, the movie was done, the bowls were empty, and I’d pulled her onto my lap.
My emotions were all over the place, and a new sense of anxiety was manifesting in my chest.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Carrie’s lips parted. “What are you talking about?”
“I was watching your tracker while you were in the General Store when I got a call from Jake,” I began. “He’d just filled in the missing pieces about Monica, and I knew I had to get you out of Astoria. I was coming for you, Carrie.” She inhaled a shaky breath as I repeated, “I was fucking coming for you, and I was too fucking late.”
I pressed my fingers into her hips, feeling her. She was here with me, on my lap. She was safe. Nothing would ever happen to her again.
But you won’t be there to protect her when you’re in prison.
My heart began to pound, and I ducked my chin, feeling the anxiety starting to take over. I tried to get a lock on it.
Carrie is safe.
Carrie is right here.
Don’t do this.
Not now.
Get it together, Grayson.
I closed my eyes, and there she was, being held down again, being cut again, crying out for me. I’d been too late. I failed her. I failed the happy ending I could have been able to give her. Now, there was a very real chance we couldn’t be together. If I had just gotten to her sooner, protected her the way I promised her I would. If I had been a better fucking man—
“Fuck, Sunshine, I screwed everything up for us, didn’t I?” I murmured, shaking my head and squeezing my eyes closed. My hands fell from her as my heart pounded in my ears, the room around me fading in and out. Carrie was fading.
“Grayson?”
I leaned back, pushing my hands into my hair, my chest heaving violently now.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
You made her happy, and now look what you’ve caused, what you’ve done.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Carrie’s soft voice cooed close to me. “Grayson, look at me.”
I couldn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t—
I felt her warm, soft hands on my face, her thumb brushing over my jagged skin. “Grayson, look at me,” she commanded. “Open your eyes.”
“I fucked everything up for you—for us,” I pushed out, my breaths choppy.
“No, Grayson, you didn’t. None of this is your fault,” she assured me, pressing her lips to mine. Before I knew what was happening, she was peppering soft, short kisses all over my face, whispering how much she loved me.
I love you.
You’ve given me something I never thought I’d have.
You saved me.
You protect me.
I love you.
I love you.
I’m safe.
You’re safe.
That’s all that matters.
With each statement, followed by a kiss, my heart slowed, the noise in my head began to fade, and the weight on my chest disappeared. I opened my eyes, and my vision began to clear; all I saw was her snow-blonde curls. I felt her weight in my lap, her hands on my chest. Her face came into view, and I began to count the freckles dusted over her nose and the tops of her cheeks. She put her hand over my heart, holding it there, feeling the steady beat of it.
“Hi,” she whispered.
My voice was thick as I replied, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for being human, Grayson,” my sunshine returned. “That’s all you are. Just a human.”
I said nothing.
“You couldn’t have known,” she continued. “I don’t blame you for what happened, and I never will. I blame Robert.” Her voice hardened. “I blame my father. I blame both of those men, Grayson, but never you.”
“Carrie—”
She covered my mouth with her hand and leaned down, holding my eyes. “You are a good man, Grayson. Do you know why? Because instead of killing Robert’s parents, you gave me the choice. You said it all earlier. A good man wouldn’t have done that. You. Are. A. Good. Man.”
I felt my eyes burn as I stared up at her.
Her face softened then. “I love you,” she whispered, pulling her hand from me. “You’re worthy, Grayson.”
I put my hands back on her hips and swallowed. She calmed me down. She brought me back to the present. She told me the truth. She didn’t blame me.
You’re worthy, Grayson.
Her voice pulled me from my thoughts once more as she said, “Now, say it back so we can get some sleep.”
I did as I was told, leaving the past in the past.