Chapter 10 #2
“Ash? What’s going on?” Carter rounds the corner after me, obviously concerned.
I take a few deep breaths in through my nose, trying to steady myself, but I feel stuck between three depressing points: the first being that vile woman’s office, the second is the workout room where Damien is avoiding his trauma like the plague, and the third stands right in front of me.
It’s our bedroom door. This psychotic urge to push Damien inside, lock the door, and never let anyone in or out ever again keeps taking over me.
Those first few days he was gone, and there was a question if he left on his own, haunts me…
The details of his agonizing time in captivity tortures my soul…
Again and again, he has proven that he would rather destroy himself than hurt me.
If I locked him in our room, then not only would he be safe from everything that wants to hurt us, but then he couldn’t leave me…
The thought alone physically hurts… It’s like my chest rips a little more every time I think of it.
I just love him so God damn much…
“Ashia, come on. Talk to me. You’re freaking me out.” Carter chuckles nervously, and I finally lift my gaze to his.
“I’m fine…” I whisper, battling my stuttered breaths. “I just…need a minute…”
“Do you want me to call Darnell? See if he can bring Daisy back?”
Alex took Daisy back to the Attic yesterday, and I’m not going to lie, I’ve really missed her.
I wasn’t able to work her like she needs, though, and I could tell she was starting to get uneasy.
Rest is not something Daisy enjoys for long periods of time, and between Damien’s recovery and my blood pressure, we just weren’t able to take her out on missions.
Hell, I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with Damien going out again, but I’ve kept that opinion to myself.
I look up at Carter and shake my head, still trying to pull myself together.
“Okay…” He raises his arm and rests his hand on my shoulder, giving me a comforting touch.
My bottom lip quivers at the contact, and I have to bite it to make it stop.
Carter’s grip tightens just a little before he pulls me into a surprising side-hug.
His arm wraps around my shoulders, and I hate how good it feels.
It’s comforting and completely platonic, only showing his sympathy as our caring friend.
He rubs my arm gently, providing me with some much-needed warmth before he pulls back. “Better?”
“Much…” I nod and wipe the tears from my face again. “Are you ready to go over everything?”
“We don’t have to right now, Ash. There aren’t really any developments.”
“What about the bomb on my car?” I ask anyway, needing to distract myself.
“Kade confirmed it was one of theirs, but it’s hard to tell who built it since a lot of them knew how.
He’s still conducting interviews, and Alex is there now, overseeing things.
” He breathes in harshly and then looks down the stairs, like he’s afraid someone could be listening.
“Are you sure we shouldn’t include D? He’s starting to get antsy. ”
I shake my head, hating the idea of throwing him back into the fight before he’s ready.
“I'm sure. He’s fought enough, Carter. I just want him to know peace—even if it's just for a while…” I lean back against the wall and rub my belly, feeling our daughter kick and flip. Each tiny nudge brings back glimpses of the bliss we had last night, just before bed.
Damien asked what I envisioned her nursery would look like.
When I couldn’t make up my mind, he said he had an idea, but he couldn't tell me yet. I told him that he could do whatever he wants, of course. It was the first time in weeks he actually voiced what he wanted, and I wasn’t about to tell him no.
I'm sure whatever he has planned for our baby girl is perfect, and if planning her surprise nursery is what makes him happy right now, then I'm all for it.
I actually saw the light in his eyes when he spoke about it.
He even tried to base his palette on how harshly she kicked when he said each color.
In that sweet moment, it really felt like we were on the right track—like my husband was poking through the darkness.
Then the night took a turn when he woke up the first time from a nightmare…
and then again the second time. When we got up this morning, I could see the way he looked around the room, thinking someone was there.
I keep catching glimpses of him, only for it to be ripped away from us again.
He muttered the words ‘I'm sorry’ just before he woke up the first time, and I don't think my heart has stopped aching sense.
“Any news on Victoria’s sister?” I deter.
“Well, the address she gave us is legit. It’s one of her father’s homes, and there’s a heavy guard presence there, but we haven’t been able to confirm Elizabeth’s whereabouts. If she’s in that house, they’re good about hiding her.”
“What do the guards look like?” I inquire, wondering if we can link them to the Society. That would possibly give us another connection.
“They didn’t have any visible tattoos in the footage Dani retrieved. Trust me, I thought of that, too. If they have the tattoo or the brand, we couldn’t see it in the pictures.”
“Well, what about Saconne?” I throw my free arm outward in frustration., getting frustrated. “Tell me we’ve found something.” Carter shakes his head tightly, and I slouch defeatedly against the wall.
“Nothing yet. I remember you telling me about the pilot John found a few weeks ago, so, I’ve been checking flight logs at all of the independent airports.
But even if Saconne managed to get on one of those planes, we’d never know.
That’s how people and goods get smuggled all the time, those cargo manifests are forged constantly. ”
“And I take it the Senator is living his best life in the political limelight?”
He matches my attitude with a similar nod.
“You would be correct. He’s up in D.C., but he’s always around cameras, bodyguards, and other politicians. There’s no way we could get close enough to question him, and anything we can try to pin on him still only has Victoria’s name listed.”
“We’re missing something…” I shake my head and pace the area in front of our bedroom door.
Knowing our safe space is just within reach breaks my heart.
I can’t change the past. It’s impossible to erase everything that’s happened to us, but it’s not impossible to protect us from the future—to ensure that this never happens to us again.
Damien said all I had to do was ask him to stop, and he would.
He promised to hand it all over if that’s what I wanted.
While it isn’t, it might just be the only way that I can keep him safe—keep our baby girl safe.
“Is it horrible of me to think that maybe…” I hesitate, knowing what kind of door my words would open. “I don’t know…”
“We just stop?” Carter finishes for me, sending a relief through my bones, and I meet his gaze once again.
“Yeah…”
“Not at all, Ash. I’ve thought about that, too…
” he admits regrettably. “What we’re dealing with is so much bigger than we ever anticipated.
D’s home now, and I’m not going to lie to you, I’m terrified to lose someone else…
” He takes a deep breath and pushes his fingers through his blonde locks, clearly conflicted.
“But then I think of who we’ve already lost: Henry, Jeremey, Darren, Bradley, fuck, even Ezra.
I think about what all of this has done to us.
Everything that we’ve been through, and everything that Damien endured…
It all has to mean something. We can’t have gone through all of this for nothing.
Damien started DH to help people, to save people.
That’s what we all signed up for, and if we quit now, there’s no telling who else will die. ”
When I think over the last six months, it’s filled with so much conflict—not just the physical type, but the emotional, too.
There has been so much happiness, and yet, so much despair.
We’ve gained so much, and sometimes, it feels like we lost just the same.
I think of what we could’ve stopped, but then I imagine what would’ve happened if we didn’t intervene.
Avery would’ve utilized his plans regardless, and so many more people would’ve lost their lives.
Before I even met Damien, I admired what he does.
Even then, I knew of the evil that walked this earth.
Time and time again, I watched as people stood by, allowing heinous acts to happen, and all it would’ve taken to stop it was one phone call.
One step. All it needed was a little bit of courage, and this city—this world—could be an entirely different place.
But it isn’t.
Damien has always been a superhero. He was born with the courage and empathy to help others.
His life was never going to be complete without it, and no matter how much it pains him, it’s just a part of who he is.
That is what makes Damien the man he is.
The man I love. His good, perfect heart lives at the base of who he is, and I would never change that about him.
My entire life, I wanted that strength. I begged God to give me the courage to stand up in the face of it all when people needed help, and he gave me my husband.
I may not do it as well as he does, and I still have a lot of fear, but fuck, I have so much strength now.
Damien gave me that. He inspires good in so many people like Adrien, Zeke, and everyone else we run into battle beside. Taking that away would be a sin.
“We can’t stop…” I declare softly.
“No.” Carter’s lips lift in the saddest, proudest grin. “No, we can’t.”
I wipe my eyes before more tears can fall, and then I take a deep, finite breath.
Determination snakes its way through my veins, and the strength my husband provides me returns tenfold.
We will have more moments like we did last night.
I will see him smile again, and I will fight to give him the life he deserves—the life he wants—even if it takes until my last breath.
“I just want him to be safe and happy… He’s earned that.”
“You both have,” Carter adds, and for the first time probably ever, I actually agree with that statement.
“So, where do we go from here?” I ask.
“Well, you’re right about one thing. We are missing something, and we’ll just need to figure out what that is—all of us, together,” he asserts, and I nod in response.
“You know, if you and Serena don’t hurry up and fix your problems, I’m going to be really pissed.
” We both give a subtle laugh, but then a look I know all too well mists over his eyes.
It’s similar to how Damien looks at me, like he’s about to cross a lot of lines to get what he wants.
If I didn’t know Carter as well as I do now, I would probably be a little worried.
We’ve become close over the past few months, though.
I trust him with more than just my life—I trust him with my husband’s and my daughter’s, too.
Carter is family, so certainly, I can trust him with my best friend. Right?
“You don’t have to worry about that. I have a few ideas.”