Chapter 11 #2
I’ve pictured her with a toothy smile that stretches from ear to ear whenever I walk in. Her tiny hands would make that grabby motion as she reaches for me, begging for me to hold her. There would be certain nights when only I could soothe her, because she just wanted her daddy.
Now I don’t know if I’ll ever see that. I don’t deserve it. If she looked at me the way I so desperately want her to, it would be a lie. She would learn one day that her dad is a fraud… That I’m nothing like she imagined I would be… I’ve failed at so much. I can’t fail at being her father, too…
She moves again, feeling like a small wave under my hand. I can’t help but press my lips to the blanket and kiss where she’s growing, wanting to stay as close as I can to the two people I love most.
“Hi, Princess…” I whisper.
Unworthy…
My bottom lip quivers, and my chest starts to heat up.
Why can't they just go the fuck away?! I want to bond with my daughter. I want to be close to my wife. I want my family. The need to keep them close is consuming, but my head just won’t allow it.
My lungs forcefully draw in a breath, trying to remember my father’s words.
Without hesitation, I plant one last gentle kiss, needing to show the affection before my mind is inevitably flooded again.
“Let your mommy rest… She needs it.” Ignoring the pain in my back, I move to graze my lips against Ashia’s forehead. I need to step away, but I can never deny myself the chance to touch her. Even if it’s for just a moment, the brief instance makes me feel whole once again.
A warm feeling envelops me even as I step away.
I want to keep it. I’ll do anything to hold onto them—to keep them close to me.
The fight to be the man they need me to be is proving difficult, but I’ll find him again.
Even if I have to search the darkest parts of myself, I will be who they need me to be.
Every step I take will be towards that goal.
That determination floods my veins as I step up to our baby’s nursery.
I stand in the doorway and overlook the room, imagining how it will look when I’m finished.
Thanks to my cousins, the paint and wood I need to get started should be delivered tomorrow.
I think I just need something to do… The urge to work with my hands is starting to nip at my wrists, and I don’t want to see what happens when I become bored.
Not that I ever could with Ashia, but I’m running out of ways to keep her happy.
First, it was the cars. Dr. Von was right about the Traverse, as much as I hate to admit it.
Ashia has never been one to get overly excited about something, and she tends to feel awkward when something is given to her, but I saw the overwhelming approval in her eyes.
She actually talked about how there’s plenty of room for the baby’s car seat, and that’s all I needed to hear.
Her approval and happiness means everything to me, and the same goes for our daughter.
So now, it's time to step up my game. I grab the broom from the same corner I left it in earlier and continue sweeping.
When I wiped the walls down earlier, I was shocked by how dusty they actually were.
Most of it was probably from when I first had the room converted a few weeks ago, but I never thought an empty room could get so dirty.
Then I thought about opening the windows, just to let some fresh air in, but the voices reminded why that was a terrible idea.
If there is someone watching us, then the windows would give them easy access inside.
I know that all too well… So, I ordered more security for the windows…
and an air purifier…and new filters for the HVAC system to help minimize dust, but I think I kept it pretty minimal.
We’ve bought everything online, because I’m a paranoid mother fucker.
I don’t want Ashia to leave the house. She needs to be right here, where there are multiple sets of eyes on her at all times.
I know how irrational that is somewhere in this fucked-up brain of mine, but I’m not willing to budge; she hasn’t argued with me about it, either.
A small groan comes from the bedroom, and I bolt back over to the door, immediately finding my wife in the soft glow from the light. Ashia is sitting up in bed. Her face is scrunched in pain, and her hand is cupped around her hip as she drapes her legs over the side.
“What’s wrong, little wolf?” I move swiftly to her side of the bed. Her winces turn into a small grin, and she looks apologetic as she turns her face up to me.
“There’s nothing wrong. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. My hips just have trouble adjusting when I get up lately. It’s nothing serious.” She tries to laugh it off, but I can see the pain there. I kneel down and help her sit up fully, only relaxing once I hear the relieved sigh from her lips.
“How long has that been happening?”
“It comes and goes,” she tries to deter.
“The soreness started a couple of weeks ago, but my joints have only locked up a few times. I’m fine, really.
” She smiles down at me with tired eyes, and while I knew her body was going through a lot of changes, I didn’t think she’d blatantly ignore them.
She should be using that damn pillow, but she resents it because of me.
Serena bought it at the wrong time, and because my wife is stubborn, she’s waged a war with nylon and stuffing.
I get up and walk to the closet, retrieving the pillow despite her pleas.
“Damien, really. It’s fine. I don’t need that.”
“Yes, you do,” I argue back as I walk back over to her. After I rip off the tag, I study the diagram, trying to figure out how to position this damn thing. It seems simple enough, and is surprisingly adjustable.
“There’s instructions?” She giggles.
“There sure is. Leave it up to your best friend to buy the most complicated pregnancy pillow on the market.” She laughs at my joke, and I think my heart melts.
I feel warm and gooey inside, like if I were to topple over, my guts would spill onto the floor.
My lips match her smile, and I lay the pillow down like it instructs.
There’s a bigger piece that sits behind her that curves, for her…
knees, as it says, and then a smaller pillow that supports her belly.
That piece is also adjustable, apparently, and I make a mental note to keep the tag, just in case.
Once I think I’ve got it positioned appropriately, I help her lay back down and fluff the smaller pillow a little more. “How’s that?”
She relaxes fully in the most adoring way, and the relieved huff that slips from her lips almost does me in.
“That’s actually really nice.”
“Yeah?” I raise a brow, feeling like I’ve finally accomplished something since I’ve been home.
“Yeah. I had no idea it would actually help that much.”
I can’t help but chuckle and kiss her forehead for what she thinks is the first time tonight.
Then I climb back into bed, not wanting to ruin the moment by her realizing there was something wrong.
As I cuddle up beside her, I adjust myself around the pillow so I don’t disturb her position.
She turns her head and looks back at me, a frown falling on her face, and I shake my head before I kiss the top of hers.
“Don’t worry, baby. I’m right here.” I lay my arm across her, holding onto her belly, just for her to entangle her fingers in mine.