Chapter 13 #2
My eyes are suddenly met with black fabric and dark wood, bringing me back to the present. I’m dripping sweat and my heart is beating in my throat, whooshing over my ears. The pillow I just punched is now lodged between the mattress and the headboard…right by Ashia’s head.
Dishonorable…
Panic surges through me and I jerk myself away, scrambling uncontrollably until I lose the plush surface and find nothing but air. It’s swift and quick, but the floor is unmerciful as I hit it. Pain explodes through my shoulders and back, forcing a groan from deep within my throat.
Weak…
“Damien?” Ashia calls out groggily, and after some rustling from the sheets, she stands and rushes over from her side of the bed.
Alarms sound in my head as the adrenaline continues to course through me.
I could tear this entire room to shreds, and she would be stuck in my path.
She can’t be anywhere near me right now…
“What happened, baby?” she asks quietly, but before she can kneel down, I crawl away, not willing to risk hurting her.
Murderer….
“Stay away from me…” I try to warn her, to protect her, but it only comes out as a breathless plea.
Her face falls, and she rips my heart out in one small moment.
I instinctively reach out for her, wanting to draw her so close that I swallow her, but I jerk my hands back all too quickly—snuffing out the idea.
Tears prick her eyes, and like the God damn coward I’ve become, I flee.
I jump to my feet and storm out onto our balcony, closing the glass doors behind me before she has the chance to chase me.
Foul…
My heart continues to pound in my chest and my stomach flips, surely churning the acid just to push it back up.
The yearning in her eyes was screaming. By pure strength, she stood her ground when I all but shooed her away.
I’m an idiot. I’m such a fucking idiot. I just want my wife!
Why can’t I just run to her?! I should be the fucking man that she needs me to be and just tell her everything.
She deserves to know the truth. She should know the monster she’s tied to forever.
Man up! Man up! Man the fuck up!
My palm meets the side of head over and over, hoping to drill those thoughts into my brain.
The demons deep inside my chest are clawing and ripping away at my insides, desperate to make me atone for pushing her away.
I try to suck in the cool air, but my lungs never feel full.
The mask is back on, and while I know it isn’t there, the effects feel the same.
Everything around me starts to blur and twist, spinning me into oblivion.
Failure…
They’re right.
I’ve failed her. I’ve failed everyone. I could’ve hit her…
“Damien?” I snap my head towards the sound, watching Victoria cautiously step in my direction from the other end of the wrap-around balcony. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head, not knowing if I can speak yet. My hands instinctively move to the back of my head, only to grab onto nothing. The loss of hair only makes the ripples under my skin dance, and I defeatedly lower my arms.
“Stay back…”
I heave and grip the railing, desperate to try and get myself together.
She stops in her tracks, but I can still feel her eyes on me—judging me.
It isn’t fair… This isn’t fucking fair. She’s occupying our home and living as if nothing is wrong, when I can’t even reach for my wife.
I feel like a fucking kid. My eyes sting with tears, and I want to call out for her so badly that a small squeak makes its way up my throat.
“How are you—” I have to swallow harshly to keep a sob from escaping. “How are you okay? How can you just walk around like nothing happened?” She doesn’t answer. Of course, she doesn’t answer. Victoria is just as fucking heartless as the others.
Wicked…
I shouldn’t think that way. I don’t mean it…
What is happening to me? They hurt her, too.
Her father sold her off, and they’re threatening her little sister, for fuck’s sake.
What is wrong with me?! It’s just so hard for me to see anything else—to feel anything else…
I’m in so much pain… She may have gone through a lot too, but fuck, she doesn’t know the same agony…
“God, they fucked me up…” I bow my head, unable to turn in her direction.
“I’m not okay,” she finally whispers. “I’m outside on your balcony at three o’clock in the morning, and you think that’s okay?
” She scoffs softly, and then she sniffles just a little, but I still can’t bear to look at her.
“I can’t sleep. I can’t eat.” She leans against the railing, still keeping her distance. “I hear them, too.”
That’s when I finally look over to her. She’s staring into the side of the house, eyes wide, like she can see them in the material.
“DeLuca and Saconne? They’re everywhere…
I think I hear them when I shower, or when your wife’s stupid brother turns around the corner, and I think it’s Saconne coming for me…
” She looks at the sky, as if she has to ground herself before looking at me.
“I’m far from okay…” she whispers again.
“But I need to learn to be, because I have someone depending on me to keep her safe. Just like you do…”
The pain in her face is evident. Her jaw is tight, clenched so harshly that her lips are crinkled.
A thousand thoughts run through her head, just like mine.
She’s just another name I can add to the list of people I’ve disappointed.
We had a deal: she helps me get out of there, and I get her sister.
I haven’t been able to do my part. I’m still haunted by ghosts and unchecked rage, and now, more people are suffering because of my pain.
“You said she’s with someone you know, right?” I ask hesitantly, almost nervous. What if I take too long? Would they actually kill her? That would just be another child’s blood on my hands…
“Yeah, as far as I know. But I haven’t heard from Nonnie since we escaped…”
I dip my head, wondering who she’s talking about. Elizabeth is her sister’s name, but I’m not sure I’ve heard of Nonnie before. Victoria quickly catches onto my confusion and clarifies.
“She’s our nanny. Well, just Elizabeth’s, now.
Her name is Naomi, but when I was little, I couldn’t pronounce it right…
So, she became Nonnie.” She chuckles softly, then blinks tears away.
“She raised me, and she's helped me with Elizabeth since she was born, because let’s be honest. I have no idea what I’m doing.
We were already dealt with a shitty dad, I don’t want to fuck her up, too…
Thinking back on everything, I believe Nonnie's why I never realized how horrible my father was… She shielded me from it. I’m not sure Elizabeth’s been so lucky…
” A tear breaks her eyelid, but she wipes it away before it can reach past her cheek.
I never assumed her whole life was silver spoons and marble floors, but even if it was, it was only there to cover up her father’s cruel hand.
My dad has always been up front with me.
I’ve always known who he was. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to discover your parent isn’t who you thought they were.
That’s an entirely different level of betrayal.
“When I was little, Nonnie would be fine when I went to bed, but the next morning she’d have bruises, cuts, and even broken bones a few times…
I would ask what happened, and she would give me any lie she could, like she fell down the stairs or tripped over a broom.
There was even this one time she told me that a feral street cat attacked her.
” Victoria shakes her head again and looks down to her feet, trying to hide the guilt on her face.
“I miss her, too…but we promised each other that Elizabeth was our priority now… Dr. Von’s been encouraging patience—‘when the time is right’ kind of thing.
She’s helped me work through some things, and accept some situations that I don’t really want to—”
“Then don’t,” I interrupt. “You shouldn’t have to accept anything. What you’ve been through is horrible.”
“Yeah, it was, and it still sucks, but she’s helped me come to terms with what I have, not what could’ve been. I could still be back there, with them, but at least I’m here now. Maybe she can help you, too.”
I can’t help but roll my eyes.
“Please, she’s bat-shit.”
“Who in this house isn’t?”
“Ashia isn’t,” I declare and Victoria starts laughing—hysterically.
“You really think that, huh? Your wife tried to kill me, and she wasn’t even in the house for five minutes.” She holds up her arm to show a fresh, pink scar on her forearm. I’m taken aback by it for a moment, unaware that had happened.
“She’s feisty.” I shrug, willing to defend Ashia’s actions.
“Listen, I don’t mean it in a bad way. I just mean that we’ve all obviously been through a lot of shit lately. For Dr. Von to do what she does, and deal with people like us, she has to be good for something,” Victoria adds.
“I don’t know about that. She said Ashia and I are having trouble communicating…”
“Well, you are.” She shrugs back at me, like she knows something I don’t and is taunting me for it.
“Fuck you.”
“Well!” Victoria gestures to our bedroom door, but I don’t turn around.
“If I talk to her about it…if I tell her what I did…she’ll hate me.” I admit quietly.
“Damien, I don’t think that could ever happen.”
“You don’t know what she’s been through—the pain that she’s already experienced in her life. If she knew what I did, she would be afraid of me… I can’t bear the thought of her being scared of me again…”
“I really think she’ll surprise you.” Her voice carries absolution, as if she’s so sure of her answer.
“I know she’ll always love me…but she shouldn’t have to live in fear of the monster I’ve become…”
“Turn around and look inside.” I raise an eyebrow at her demand.
“What?”
She rolls her eyes.