Chapter 17 #3
“Bye, baby.” The line clicks, and I let my hand fall to the ground.
My head is finally filled with nothing but her once again.
Her smile, her laugh, even how she rolls her eyes.
This is far from over, and I’m sure I’ll have more trouble ahead, but all I can focus on in this moment is how much I love my wife.
I have to tell her. It has to be tonight.
I can’t hide anything from her anymore, not like this.
Once again, she’s proven that she just wants to understand.
She wants to help me. She loves me as much as I love her, and I know our connection is unconditional.
It’ll be tough and hard for her to hear, but I can’t keep it from her anymore.
I don’t know when I started guarding myself from her regality, but it’s time I rip myself back open—show her that no matter what, she truly owns every part of me.
She owns the bad parts too, if she’ll have them.
She is mine.
And I am hers.
Completely and wholly hers.
Alex and Zeke finally walk into view, like they purposely stayed away. Alex’s face is creased with worry, and he looks like he’s actually sweating a bit. Then there’s Zeke, who’s striding up with a smug face, like he had bet on something and won.
“Are you good, D?” Alex asks in that frantic, concerned tone. I stretch my body out as I stand, somehow feeling like an entirely new person. A small, victorious grin pulls at the corner of my lips.
“Yeah, actually. I'm fine.”
“Fuck yeah, you are!” Zeke says happily and crosses his arms, leaning against the side of the truck with cocky posture.
“Carter was able to dispatch Graham without anyone else knowing, so he’s on his way to clean up.
Looks like you’re back in business, baby,” he cheers, and my smile falls to a snarl.
“Don’t call me that,” I warn him, and then they break out into laughter, obviously joking. My eyes roll on their own before I punch Zeke in the chest, just to drive my point home.
“Damn, D! Alright!” He laughs and rubs his chest in faux pain.
My phone beeps with an app notification, alerting me that an order I had placed is ready.
Well, it’s the third notification since this morning, and the seller is asking if I still plan on picking it up.
I was hoping to have one of the guys run out for me, but since we’re already out, we might as well grab it.
“Do you think you guys could take me to pick something up?” I start typing a response, knowing it’s unlikely they’ll deny me.
“Sure. What is it?”
I scratch the back of my neck, suddenly feeling timid.
I’ve never had a problem telling anyone how I feel about my wife, but this feels more intimate, gushier.
I’ve been so picky about what I’ve said and bought for the baby, not really letting anyone else in our happy place.
I was afraid they’d see me as weak after what happened, but now, I don’t really care.
I am weak for my wife and daughter, but I’m also stronger than ever because of them.
“I reached out to this woman who makes sensory clothes and shit for kids, and I explained to her why Ashia won’t talk to Dr. Von.
She made her a weighted blanket that she can use to dampen outside sounds for the baby.
We’re not a hundred percent sure it’ll work, but she said she would test it, and—”
“Dude! That’s fucking awesome!” Zeke jerks his hand out to the side, slapping Alex on the arm like he did something bad. “Why the hell didn’t we think of that?” Alex groans and swats his hand away.
“You’re such a prick.”
“I’m really mad I didn’t come along on this one.” Carter finally speaks up again in my ear, and we all burst out into laughter as we walk away from my own crime scene. They continue to laugh and joke as we make our way back into the fairgrounds, heading towards the car like nothing happened.
It feels like old times again. There are people missing, Henry and Ezra in particular, but as I think of them, there’s not an overbearing dread anymore.
Instead, it feels like they’re here in a different way.
They’re not haunting me or waiting for me to fall.
I can feel them walking beside us, even if we can’t see them.
One of my biggest regrets with Henry is that I’m not sure he knew what he meant to me—to any of us, really.
He was more than my best friend. It was like we were truly cut from the same cloth.
What I lacked, he made up for, and vice versa.
Hell, we’re all like that. We’re each so different, but when we lost Henry, we filled that hole with little pieces of ourselves.
The parts of us that remind us of him are our best qualities, and that’s how we’ll keep him alive.
We’ll just keep choosing the good things.
“I can’t thank you all enough for taking care of them while I was gone,” I blurt out, barely realizing I said it.
Alex and Zeke look at me, confused, like I ever thought they wouldn’t have done it, and Carter just groans on the other end of the line.
“You guys mean a lot to me. You know that, right?”
Alex grins sincerely, like it really hit home for him. But then there’s Zeke, who dramatically pretends to swoon by laying the back of his hand on his forehead and walks on faux wobbling knees. I cringe and ignore him, keeping my stare on Alex.
“It’s nothing, D. You guys are family.” Alex cuts his eyes at Zeke and shakes his head, only stopping once Zeke starts to walk like a normal human being again.
“Is Trina pissed? Is that why she went to see her sister?” I ask him.
Alex grins and avoids my gaze, glancing bewilderedly at the night sky, away from us.
“No, she’s not mad. She knows if the role was reversed, you guys would do it for me. She’s, um…” He hesitates, almost like he’s afraid to say something out loud. “She’s pregnant.”
Zeke and I stop in our tracks and stare at him like he’s on fire. They’ve tried to get pregnant for a couple of years now, with no luck at all, and that’s how he tells us? After a murder? Where’s the parade? The hollering and toasts?
“It was, uh…very unexpected after the past couple of tries, but we’re happy.
She wanted to wait to say anything until that twelve-week mark, in case it didn’t work out, but it’s you guys.
How could I not?” he continues, and that’s when Zeke pounces.
He jumps onto Alex’s back, wrapping his arm around his neck in an overexaggerated, literal breath-taking hug.
“Holy shit, man! No way!”
“Get off of me, you damn caveman!” Alex screams and throws him off. Zeke stumbles back, laughing so hard his face turns red, and I just start walking again, wary of all the new sets of eyes glaring at us. “So, where are we picking up this blanket from?” he deflects.
“She’s about thirty minutes away. I'm sorry to ask.”
“It’s no big deal, man.” Zeke stands up and dusts himself off, then jogs to catch up to us. “Hey! Actually, I have a better idea. See if she can meet us as at Diane’s in thirty.”
I raise a brow.
“Diane? The lady from the ice cream parlor?”
“They’re closed, Zeke,” Alex says in an obvious, sick-of-your-shit tone.
“I can handle that.” He takes his phone out and dials a number, sprouting a grin so manic that I think his teeth sharpen.
As he walks, he swings his free arm leisurely, clearly feeling on cloud nine.
Why? The hell if I know. “Hey! Mama D! How you doing?” There’s a small pause.
“He’s great, actually. Standing right here…
Yeah… Actually, I was calling to ask a favor…
Can you do thirty minutes? Perfect! Thanks, Mama D.
” He puts it away and claps his hands, clearly proud of himself.
I’ve never been more thankful to leave some place as alive as the festival, but I know his not-shit attitude is only going to get worse as we walk out of the front gate. “Let’s go do this right this time.”
I shake my head and continue walking. Maybe ice cream will cushion some of the blow while I talk to Ashia.
She never got her treat that day, and instead, she experienced one of the worst moments of her life.
There’s no telling if she’ll want it at whatever ungodly hour it will be when we get home, but at least we’ll have it for when she inevitably cries her eyes out.
“What if she doesn’t forgive me?” I ask quietly, afraid of their answer. The guys both snap towards me, visibly confused.
“Who?” Alex asks with a crinkled forehead.
“Ashia.”
“For what?” Zeke asks audaciously.
“Everything I did for them… The assignments…” I whisper, afraid that if I think of it, the voices will come back. They look at each other and then back to me with relieved faces. Alex just scoffs dismissively.
“If she doesn’t hate you now, D, I’d say you're in the clear. I doubt tonight changed anything.” Zeke’s tone is confident, unwavering.
I wish I could match it.
“I haven’t told her any of it yet,” I admit. Zeke squints his eyes in confusion, and Alex’s jaw hangs slack, completely dumbfounded. Now my head is filled with nothing but air and uncertainty, sensing that we’re not on common ground. “Am I missing something?”
“Have you not talked to her at all?” Alex asks, almost offended.
“Of course I have. But not about that.”
Alex nudges my arm, growing more impatient by the second.
“Dude, she already knows everything. I figured at least Victoria would’ve said something to you.”
I think my head explodes. My heart falls to the ground and the world stops turning. There’s no way I heard him correctly. It’s not possible that I’ve missed this the entire time.
“What?!” I practically scream.
“She knew before you even woke up,” Zeke interjects.
“Once Ash got to the house, when we brought you home, she flipped shit on Victoria. She slashed her arm, shoved a knife to her throat, and told her if she didn’t tell us everything that happened, she’d slit her carotid.
I'm not going to lie, D. I might be more scared of my sister than you at this point.”
“Seriously,” Alex agrees. “I never thought Victoria would leave that damn room.” He shakes his head once again for emphasis.
“Why wouldn’t she leave her room?”
“After they got done talking, Ash threatened her.” Zeke shrugs his shoulders like it’s no big deal.
“She said if she ever saw Victoria again, she’d get a bullet to the skull.
” My eyes almost fall out of my sockets.
“Of course she wouldn’t, but Victoria didn’t know that.
She just didn’t want you to see her until you were lucid.
We were afraid it’d trigger you, so she just scared her into staying away. ”
I stop beside the car, trying to wrap my brain around what they’re saying.
She’s known the whole time? Not once has she looked at me differently.
She hasn’t been upset with me, or angry about anything I’ve said or done since I’ve been home.
Ashia has shown me more patience and grace than I’ve ever encountered.
She’s taken every moment of my bullshit since I opened my eyes, and not once has she made me feel like a burden for it.
“Why wouldn’t she say anything?”
“She didn’t want you to feel like you had to talk about it with her until you were ready.
She didn’t want to push you. Plus, Alex is right, I thought Victoria would’ve told you.
You seem to be talking to her more than Ash,” Zeke says with an attitude, his playful demeanor vanishing.
He actually sneers at me, and I’m taken aback by it.
“That’s not true…” I argue back, though I’m not so certain.
Zeke shrugs his shoulders, keeping up his new attitude, and it makes my stomach churn.
I think back to the past few weeks, looking at it from his perspective.
I only confided in Victoria because I thought I would scare my wife away.
Victoria was there. She knew what happened and what we went through.
There was a level of understanding that I didn’t know I already had with Ashia.
I’m so conflicted. A part of me is relieved now that I know there’s no ice to break, but I also feel even worse about myself.
“Seemed that way from the outside,” Zeke fires back.
“Ashia doesn’t think that…does she?”
“She hasn’t said anything, but if looks could kill, Victoria would’ve died ten times already,” Alex reveals while I check my phone.
Lilah, the girl with the blanket, agreed to meet at the parlor.
Which is a good thing, because now, the ice cream is essential.
I have a lot of apologizing to do. “She loves you, D. You shouldn’t worry.
” Alex pats my shoulder like he would a child.
“I'm not anymore, I thought she didn’t know anything.”
“See, I thought you were being distant because she did know.” Zeke drops down into the car, then yells, “Now let’s do this shit so we can get you home to your wife! I don’t like us being away for too long.”
Well, at least I’m not the only paranoid one in the group.