Chapter 22 #2
“I feel responsible because I should. I should’ve known something was wrong with her.
” I swallow harshly and hang my head, feeling the anger starting to bubble up in my throat.
Ashia rubs my arm gently and lays her cheek against the muscles there, staring up at me endearingly.
I meet her sight once again, melting the moment her inferno demands me to.
“She was always clumsy, you know? So, when she started dropping things more and tripping, I didn’t think anything of it.
She was so sassy and flight-headed that even the few times she didn’t make sense, I brushed it off as her just playing around or not paying attention. ”
“You were only twelve, Damien,” she tries to justify for me, but I shake my head, unwilling to accept that as an excuse.
“I know that, but I wasn’t a normal twelve-year-old.
” My throat tightens again, and I hate how I have to clear it before I keep talking.
“I could kill a grown man by then… I was solving puzzles in record times. My memory was so sharp that I could repeat entire stories perfectly days later. I was taught to map out exit strategies the moment I walked into a building. I should have noticed. I was taught to point out danger.” Tears sting my eyes and I blink rapidly, forcing them away.
When one slips despite my attempts, Ashia runs her thumb across my cheek, brushing it away with the softest touch.
“The doctor said that tumor was probably growing for months, if not years… I should’ve noticed. How did I not notice?”
“I bet all of that training took a lot of time away from your sister.” I can faintly hear Dr. Von’s words through my hypnosis. My gaze remains locked on my wife, willingly trapped in her siren’s call.
“Yeah. Yeah, it did,” I answer anyway. “She used to hate it. Dad kept her away from the dark stuff, you know? He didn’t want her to know what kind of evil existed out there. She wouldn’t have been able to handle it.”
“Why not?” Ashia asks with a raised brow as she leans into me, enraptured with my words.
“She was just so innocent. She loved the sun and flowers, and funny shows on TV. In her imagination, everything was some fantasy land.” Ashia’s eyes brighten at my words, as if I’m stoking the fire in them.
Her flames want to dance along to my story, so I continue to feed it, desperate to see her curiosity sway to my tale.
“The trees were kingdoms, and acorns were treasure. Rocks were never just rocks, they were hidden gems or came from faraway places. Her mind was always just so free, and she hated anything that took that away. Even when we got older, she was always joking and laughing, keeping any conversation light, because anything else was just too sad. She just wanted to be happy…”
She wipes another tear from my eyes before I even realize it fell. Her face softens in the sweetest way, warming my entire body in an instant.
“Well, I think that’s why you didn’t notice when she was sick. She didn’t want you to.” Something about those words clicks into place, and I swear I feel something crack in my chest. “She didn’t want to take away your happiness, just like you didn’t want to take away hers.”
Emma’s last year plays through my head like a movie reel.
Every time she had a headache, she would brush it off and take Tylenol.
On days she’d fall asleep in the middle of the day, she’d say that she stayed up too late watching a movie the night before.
Whenever she would trip or fall, she’d laugh it up and pretend like it didn’t hurt.
I was always putting Band-Aids on scrapes and sneaking into her room to turn off the TV, fixing the problems she’d let me see.
My whole life, I thought I was protecting her.
It never crossed my mind that she was protecting me, too.
“I’ve seen the pictures at your parents’ house,” Ashia continues. “And I know it makes you sad to look at them, but I think you should.” She cradles my face in her hand, caressing my cheek so softly that it makes me tear up. “Because you obviously made her so happy, baby.”
Her last soccer game sneaks its way in. I can almost smell grass and feel the breeze against my face.
The moment she ignored every player, all of her friends and their parents, even the officials, and held up a heart with her hands strikes me.
I can remember the crinkle to her face as she smiled at me, and how her entire aura would brighten when she did.
That was something she only did for me, and not once did she hold back.
Even though it could’ve potentially been embarrassing for her, she made sure to keep our tradition.
“I miss her…” My bottom lip quivers, shaking my words. “She would’ve loved you and our daughter so much. There’s just so much she’s missed out on…”
“I don’t think she’s missed any of it, Damien. She’s just watched where you couldn’t see her.”
I nod my head and lean into her hand, feeling like a part of me was caged before, but is free now.
I know she’s right. I didn’t need their drugs to feel Emma here with me—she always has been.
Every time I laugh or look at my mother, I see her there.
Whenever I save a life, her presence is behind the reason.
When I think of the life I want for our daughter, I imagine her smile to look just like my sister’s.
She’s embedded in everything I do. I just hate that it took me this long to see it.
Dr. Von stands and pulls her chair around the desk, sitting just a few feet in front of Ashia and I. She sits comfortably, with one ankle crossed over the other and her hands in her lap.
“You know, Damien. You and your sister are a lot alike when it comes to making the people they love feel good. Ashia is a great example. You do everything in your power to ensure that she feels safe, loved, and cherished—just like you did for Emma, and what you want to do for your daughter. I think sometimes you believe that those feelings are stolen from your wife, because of what goes on around you. This is where you need to learn acceptance.”
I reluctantly pull my face out of Ashia’s hand and look over to her. She flips her hands so her palms are facing upward, like she’s showing me something that isn’t there.
“There was nothing more that you could’ve done for Emma.
It wasn’t just on you. She had so many doctors, nurses, and medical teams. Even then, fate just has other plans sometimes.
She lived a life that was happy and filled with so much love—she died the same way, knowing the love you and your family have for her. ”
I nod again, a little more lazily this time.
“That same acceptance is going to help you through your own torment,” she continues.
“What you went through, what you were forced to do—it was horrible. There is no question about that. But just as fate had different plans for your sister, the conditions you were exposed to were already in motion. The Society is its own operation, as sinister as it is, and regardless of your involvement, they would’ve completed the assignments anyway.
How I see it, it could’ve gone one of two ways.
You could’ve never been taken, and they would’ve died in a much more painful, terrifying way. ”
I perk up, listening to her words as intently as I can manage.
“As you just said a few moments ago, they’re ruthless,” she continues.
“Instead, that woman was delivered to the afterlife by someone with empathy and regret—someone with a good heart, who made it as painless as he possibly could. Those children are mourned by someone who didn’t know them, but has the emotional capacity to care for them as if he did.
That is not a death the Society entertains.
That is something you controlled despite their threats of harming you and the ones you love.
Yes, you need to accept that it happened, but you also need to accept that your involvement was as it should have been, and that you did everything you could to maintain your morals.
” She looks over to my wife next. “Does anything that Damien did during his captivity change how you see him?”
“No,” Ashia answers punctually and without a hint of doubt. I look back down at her and immediately choke up again when I see the love and commitment in her perfect ember eyes. “It only proves that he’s as strong as I’ve known he is.”
“Damien, why don’t you share with Ashia what you said the worst part for you was?”
I rub Ashia’s belly, fighting off the images of her dissociation before I speak.
“When I first woke up,” I admit, “it wasn’t their harsh hits or the unknown…
It was seeing your face after they took me…
” She moves her hand to my chest, rubbing the material of shirt in soft motions.
“I knew what my absence was doing to you. I could see the heartbreak in your eyes. I thought that alone was going to kill me… It was thinking that I failed you another time. Especially when I heard everyone else arguing, trying to determine if I had just left… I would never leave you, little wolf, and in that moment, I didn’t know if you believed that or not… ”
Before I can say another word, Ashia stands up and sits on my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck in a strong hold.
I hug her just as tightly, and as closely as I can without squishing her pregnant belly.
Her vanilla scent rushes up my nose as I force my face into the side of her neck, healing the parts of the me that were still broken.
“I never truly believed that you would leave me, Damien. I was just scared to think of what happened… I didn’t know if you were hurt or dead.
I just wanted you to be okay—no matter what that meant…
” We tighten our holds on one another and breathe each other in, soaking up every moment of closeness we can get.
After a moment, she stills, like fear has washed over her.
She pulls back enough for me to catch her fearful, curious eyes. “What do you mean you could hear?”
My brows furrow by instinct. Confusion floods me, and I tighten my grip on her to solidify my grasp.
“DeLuca asked for the audio feed. So, they turned it on.” I tilt my head, wondering where her mind is leading her.
“From our cameras?”
“No…” I drawl. “They didn’t use our cameras.”
Her eyes widen ever so slightly, sending ice down my spine.
“Damien…” She says my name cautiously. “There were no mics or cameras in the house that weren’t ours. We checked.” My stomach flips and churns, building a nauseating sensation in my gut. “Unless Sette’s rifle could somehow pick up our voices…”
“Someone that was in the room gave them the live audio…”
“Did you ever hear anything else? At a different time?”
“No…”
We both flinch when my phone starts ringing, and that only intensifies the paranoia snaking its way through my body. I pull the phone out quickly, hoping to just shut it up, when Kade’s name flashes across the screen. Ashia and I both look to one another again, interested and freaked out.
“That’s a little too weird for comfort,” Dr. Von mutters and stands back up, dragging her chair back behind the desk. Ashia nods lightly, silently telling me to answer it. So I do, and bring it to my ear, almost instantly regretting it.
“Hey, Kade.” I keep my voice as nonchalant as I can manage, not wanting to alarm him before we even have the chance to look into this new discovery.
“Hey, D. It’s good to hear your voice. You sound better,” he says in a friendly tone, though there’s a dismissive edge to it, like he’s also trying to sound normal.
“Thanks, I feel better.” There’s a brief silence, worrying me even more. Ashia scrunches her brows, curious about what he’s saying. “Do you need something? Sorry, I’m kind of in the middle of something important—”
“Oh, um, not really,” he interrupts me, just to go silent once again. I try to focus on the sounds in the background, but then he gulps and starts talking again. “Uh, do you know when you’re coming back yet?”
“Hopefully by next week. Why? What’s wrong?” I try to keep my voice on a more concerned level, and not like the paranoid mess I am.
“Nothing’s wrong…” He pauses again, but for not as long this time. “I just think it’s best that you at least stop by—let all of the guys see you, ya know?”
“Would you like to elaborate, or should I send Zeke to pick you up?” I threaten, quickly losing my patience. Why does he want me out of the house so badly? Is he trying to lure me out?
“No. Hell no. I just… I think authority is getting a little confusing around here, and now that you’re feeling better, the men might benefit from seeing your face,” he says quietly, like he’s trying to keep others from hearing him.
“Satori?” I question, already feeling the anger churn again.
“Yeah.”
“I’ll tell Carter to go ahead and reactivate us, and I’ll be there by next week. Give me a few days to look into some things.” I glance to my wife, silently asking for her approval, but she’s already nodding her head, reading my mind.
“Okay. Thanks, D.”
I hang up the phone, not bothering to respond. Ashia runs her hand over my back, but it’s not so much in a comforting manner. It’s her silent way of showing me her support, preparing me for another battle that’s inevitably coming.
“Do you think you’re ready to go back?” Dr. Von asks with a confident grin, charging the determination already brewing in my chest.
“Hell yeah, I am.”