Trace
"You getting the good chips or the sad chips on Saturday?" Connor was whining about snacks before I even got my headset all the way on.
He could be so dramatic. "Define sad chips."
He sighed as if I was the one not making sense. "The store brand kind. They taste like they wanna be a chip when they grow up."
"I'm bringing the good chips." I dropped onto the couch and grabbed my controller. "I'm not a monster."
"Could've fooled me last week." He scoffed, but I could hear the relief in his voice.
"That was one time, and you're never gonna let it go." Money was tight and I couldn’t spring for Doritos, but the cheese-flavored corn strips weren’t bad. Well, they weren’t awful.
"Nope. Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. " He was such a smartass, but that was why I loved him. "You good to load in? I already picked our map."
Of course he did. "Shoker."
He chuckled. "You'll never guess."
"The one with the bridge." It was always the one with the bridge.
"Whatever. Let’s just do this." I adjusted my headset as I loaded in behind him.
Gaming was a fun distraction that was completely safe for me.
And over the next hour, it was just us and the game and our normal trash talking every time one of us got a kill.
I wasn't as competitive as Connor, but feeding into his excitement, or annoyance as the case may be, was pretty fun.
Spending my Thursday nights playing video games with Connor was one of my favorite things to do. He lived close enough that we sometimes played in person, but with my seizures, it was usually easier for us to just stay home.
Except for when we decided to get together. Which was what he was stressing about as we got the game going.
"Anyway, I’m not saying you're a monster. I’m just saying you're cheap." Connor turned on his camera so I could see him. "There's a difference."
"I'm not cheap. I'm poor."
"You’re cheap. You can afford the good stuff, you just choose to save it for boring things like…retirement and ‘the future’.” Now he was just fucking with me.
"If I don’t plan for my future, who will?" As much as I wanted to keep our lighthearted banter going, the harsh realities of being alone with a serious medical condition always seemed to come up.
He sighed. "You’ll have someone to grow old with, Trace. You and me both."
Not likely, but whatever. "Sure." It wasn’t a topic I liked to dwell on.
We kept playing, and somewhere around the third round, his nonstop jabber stopped and he went quiet for a second. "Okay, but seriously, I can just bring the chips, if you want."
Oh my gawd, he was like a dog with a bone. “I’ll buy the good chips, Connor. I promise. And if I don’t, you can pick the brunch restaurant.”
"Okay." He liked a diner on the east side that always had a line around the corner. The food was great, but after an hour of standing out on the street, I was much more likely to have a seizure than if we were able to just walk in and order like at the place I liked.
The food was a little less exciting at my place, but it was fast, good, and cheap. Three things I valued in a restaurant.
Connor wasn’t finished with his sleepover requirements. "Also, I call dibs on the good blanket."
"You always call dibs on the good blanket." Apparently, weighted sloth blankets were hard to come by because he couldn’t seem to buy his own. “It’s kinda attached to my bed.”
"Fine, we’ll both sleep in your bed.” He was smiling like a maniac. “It’s just as easy to build the fort on your bed as it is on the living room floor.”
For our “Little” sleepover, we’d binge on junk food and wear the matching onesies Connor bought us both last Christmas.
They were covered in little video game controllers and headsets, which was the theme of our party.
We’d play games, color, drink from sippy cups, and surround ourselves in stacked couch cushions and stuffies until we passed out.
It was the best night of my week since we met in an online group for guys who liked being Little and didn't have a partner. That was when we became each other’s partner. Kinda.
We didn’t provide aftercare, so it wasn’t like the real thing, but it was our only chance to dress down and play without judgment. And more important than that, Connor knew what to do if I had a seizure. Same thing I asked everyone in my life to do if I had one in their presence.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
I’d been dealing with them my whole life, and they were nothing more than a nuisance now.
The moment I felt an aura coming on, I just needed to lie down for a minute or two and wait it out.
I didn’t shake or even move. It was practically a nap.
A sudden and uncontrollable nap, but essentially the same thing.
And I never needed an ambulance. So when strangers found me “napping” in the mall or in a public bathroom, they usually called 911. And that was never needed. That was why I wore a med-alert bracelet that specifically said DON’T CALL 911.
It didn’t always work, but that was why I didn’t stray far from home.
But Connor didn’t panic easily. Not anymore. Now, he just sat with me and held my hand until I woke up. I was usually exhausted and in need of a quick sugar fix, but he always had candy or juice ready for me when I came to.
We played another round before he had to go. “Text if you need anything.”
"I will.” I rolled away from my desk with my finger on the power button to my computer. “Later."
I shut everything down and then curled up on my couch with my phone.
I had an alert set up for a squishmallow I’d been waiting months for.
It was sold out everywhere, but the Connor Cow in plaid pajamas was the only thing Connor really wanted for his birthday next week… and I really wanted to get it for him.
And a store in Walters had a shipment coming in tomorrow. "No way."
He'd lose his mind over this.
The only problem was that I’d have to take a bus to Valley Mall…by myself.
I never traveled by myself. It was only thirty minutes each way, but a lot could happen in thirty minutes. Namely, a fucking seizure.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I checked the bus schedule to see what my options were.
As soon as my shift was over the next day, I pulled up the group text thread that included all my trusted contacts and shared my location. Running errands at Valley Mall in Walters. I’ll be gone a few hours, so don’t panic if you can’t reach me. XO
Priya texted back almost immediately. She was my boss at the grocery store but she had the afternoon off, so I hadn’t seen her all day. What errands? Can you wait for the weekend and I’ll go with you?
She was so sweet. Thanks, but I’ll be fine on the bus. Just picking up Connor’s bday gift.
Firstly, aww. Secondly, you sure you’re good to go that far by yourself?
Maybe. Hopefully. But I wouldn’t tell her or anyone else that I was low-key terrified. I’d be fine. I just needed to convince everyone else that more effectively than I could convince myself. I've done it before and will be fine. I’ll text when I’m back home.
And don’t talk to strangers, no matter how hot they are.
I smiled at my phone just as another text came in. This one was from Connor, also separate from the group thread. Don’t forget your bracelet.
Never do. I was lucky to have such a strong support system. Not everyone did, but without them, I wouldn’t be able to live so independently.
Kk but text me when you're home.
I rolled my eyes, reminding myself how much gratitude I felt just a few seconds ago. You and Priya should start a club.
We kinda already have a group chat about you.
What the hell?
Don't worry about it. Go to sleep.