Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
“ M om, are you sure you don’t want to come to the movie with us?” Sara asked the following night after Sunday dinner. She and Tori, and all the female SOs were headed to a chick flick, while the guys were going downstairs to play pool.
“No, thanks. Your dad and I have a date with Sherlock , thanks to Bex turning us on to the show.” Mom smiled toward Bex, who was slinging her purse over her shoulder. She looked pretty great in a white V-neck T-shirt, green patterned skort, and wedge sandals, her hair twisted into a messy bun. A few strands of dark hair grazed her neck. Hayden remembered how soft she was there, how she squirmed when he licked along her nape.
Whoa there, boy. Settle the hell down.
Sara waved at Mom. “Okay, see you later!” The ladies filed out, leaving the men with the parents.
Kyle went to the sink. “We’ll help with the dishes.”
She waved him off. “No, you won’t. Go start your game of pool.”
Derek brought his plate to the counter. “You sure? This will go quick if we all pitch in.”
Mom shooed him away, too. “No, go. All of you. Except Hayden.”
Hayden, who’d been about to refill his beer from the tap, stopped and looked at her. “What’d I do?”
She smiled at him. “Nothing. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute.”
With Dad, who’d also come toward the tap to refill his pint glass. Hayden’s gut twisted. Here came the conversation he’d been dreading.
Liam nodded toward Hayden. “We’ll warm up the table for you.”
Great.
Hayden filled his glass and walked around the counter so Dad could refill his. “Can I guess what this is about?”
Mom came and sat on one of the stools at the beer bar. “I’m sure you can. We’re just wondering how many more Sunday dinners we can look forward to having you here.”
And here came another hard sell.
Dad sipped his beer. “We know you’re settled on your decision, but we can’t help but see how you’ve fallen into a routine this week. You’ve been everywhere—helping me, working up at The Alex, volunteering at the festival booth. We know the pull of the job offer in France, but what about what you’ve got here? You’ve got us.”
Uh-oh, they were pulling out all the stops with this one—going for his emotions. “Thanks, Dad. I appreciate you saying that.”
Dad exhaled. “Don’t you feel a little tug to come home? We miss having you around.”
Mom’s forehead creased, and she threw Dad a worried look. “It’s going to be hard for me to watch you go again. Having all of my children here is a dream come true.” She ended with a light laugh, but Hayden heard the edge of nervousness in it.
He hated seeing the pain lurking in his mother’s eyes. It reminded him of how she’d been after Alex had died. He never wanted to see her like that again. “I’m mulling options.”
Mom’s eyes lit. “There’s a chance you’ll stay?”
Damn, why had he said that? Because he hadn’t been thinking. He’d just been trying to make her feel better.
He almost said, there’s always a chance , but he didn’t want to get her hopes up even more. And anyway, that was a lie. Some things had no chance—a diseased vine, his and Bex’s relationship. Where had that come from? Wasn’t it obvious? She was right here in front of him, and she’d invaded his thoughts from the moment he’d seen her on that elevator the day after he’d come home.
Dad set his beer down and braced himself against the counter. “Forgive me for being nosy, but I just have to ask. Is there some reason you don’t want to come back?”
He chose his words carefully this time. “I won’t lie—things are so different. I had a clear place when I was at Archer. When I was here helping with Alex.”
Mom’s eyes were full of compassion and maybe a hint of tears. “There will always be a place for you here.”
Hayden smiled at her. “I know. And I will come home. If not now, some day.” He could tell this conversation wasn’t going the way that they’d hoped.
Mom seemed to relax, and Dad nodded. “We’ll stop bugging you about it,” he said.
Mom stood and kissed Hayden’s cheek. “Go on downstairs. I love you.”
He touched her shoulder. “I love you, too.” He cast a glance toward Dad. “And you.”
“You too, son.”
Hayden practically ran from the kitchen in his haste to get away. When he got downstairs, he saw Kyle lining up shots of J?germeister on the bar.
Hayden stopped short. “J?ger? Are you guys kidding?”
“We figured you’d need a shot of something,” Liam said. “Were we wrong?”
“Hell no. I’m just surprised at your choice of booze.”
Kyle poured the last glass. “Found an unopened bottle. Sounded good. What more excuse do we need?”
Everyone snagged a shot. Evan lifted his and said, “To brotherhood.”
They all raised their glass and tossed it back. Then they lined them back on the bar for Kyle to refill.
Dylan smacked his lips. “Good shit. One more, and then we play.”
Kyle poured, and they all retrieved their glasses.
Liam raised his glass. “To coming home.”
Hayden frowned. No one seemed to notice that he drank a bit after them.
Sean racked the balls, and Hayden went to grab his cue. “You have a cue?” he asked Sean.
“Yeah, didn’t you know? Tori said everyone agreed to give me Alex’s.” Sean looked mildly uncomfortable.
Hayden hadn’t known. It seemed “everyone” didn’t include him. Maybe she’d asked him, and he just didn’t remember. Oh hell, Hayden, stop giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she hadn’t . What the fuck did it matter now anyway?
His mood seemed to be tanking. Disappointing your parents would do that.
He took a long swig of beer and decided another shot might be in order.
Kyle took his cue from the rack. “How are we doing teams?”
Evan snagged his cue. “Odd number, so someone’s going to have more.”
Dylan chalked his cue. “Age?”
“Archers vs. non-Archers?” Derek suggested. “I’ll be a non-Archer, but that still gives the Archers the four-person team.”
Hayden had a thought. “Sextuplets and non-sextuplets.” He looked at Derek and grinned. “That’ll give us the advantage.”
Derek smiled broadly in return. “Brilliant.”
Liam shook his head. “That’s fucked up.”
“Why, because we have Dylan, and he’s awesome?” Hayden glanced at Sean. “Sorry, I don’t know how well you play.”
“Pretty well, provided I have the right cue.” This earned snickers from a few of the others, and Hayden knew immediately what had happened.
“You got stuck with The Humiliator, didn’t you?”
“Just for one game, thank God. Then I got Alex’s.”
Hayden understood now, and he approved. Sean was a good guy. Hayden couldn’t think of a better person to inherit Alex’s cue.
“Since you have four, one of you assholes gets to break first,” Kyle said. “Make it good.”
Derek gestured to the table. “Go on, Dylan.”
He stepped up and broke, knocking the five down. He studied the table for his next move. “Three in the corner there.” He did exactly as he said and continued for three more shots.
When he barely missed with the eleven ball, the rest of their team groaned. Dylan held up his hand. “My bad. I think I need another shot of J?ger.”
He went to the bar to pour another, and Hayden joined him while Evan took his turn.
Dylan filled two of the shots and handed one to Hayden. “Interesting way to split the teams.”
Hayden shrugged before tossing the liquor back.
“Hey, I know how it feels to be the odd guy out, remember?”
Of course he did. He’d felt ostracized in two families, while Hayden had just one. “But you’re good now, right?”
It was Dylan’s turn to shrug. “Sure. As good as you can be. I mean, I can’t change the past, but I don’t dwell on it anymore.”
Liam joined them. “Hayden is not the odd man out.” He poured a shot for himself and emptied the bottle. “Well, shit, when did a fifth get so small?”
“When you’re pouring for seven, dick-for-brains,” Kyle answered. “I don’t think there’s any more J?ger. Have to move on to something else.”
Behind the bar, Dylan turned to survey the liquor cabinet.
“Where’s the single malt?” Sean called out.
Dylan pulled out the bottle Hayden and Bex had been drinking from last night. “Single malt for Sean. What else?”
“Oh hell, get the Patrón,” Liam said just before he threw back his shot of J?ger.
Dylan grabbed the tequila and set it in front of Liam. “We’re going to have to pour you into your car later so Aubrey can drive your drunk ass home.”
He picked up his beer with a smile. “I’m pacing myself.”
Kyle cleared his throat. “Evan scratched. Whose turn?”
“I’ll go,” Sean said, leaving his just-poured glass of whiskey on the bar.
Hayden finished his beer then went to the tap to draw another.
Kyle came up to the bar, eyeing Hayden’s quick refill. “Whoa. That must’ve been some convo upstairs.”
“Oh, you know, ‘Why aren’t you coming home?’ No pressure.”
Kyle winced. “Sorry, man. I know what that’s like, believe me.”
Hayden wanted to say he really didn’t, that their situations were completely different. Hayden hadn’t run away, hadn’t pissed off half the family. But he didn’t want to be a dick. He thought for a moment. Liam totally would have said that to him. So would Alex.
“You don’t know shit.” The words fell out of Hayden’s mouth, and once they did, he felt good.
Liam slapped his arm around Hayden’s shoulders and gave him a firm squeeze. “That’s my little brother! I’ve got your back.”
Hayden flinched. “Really?”
Liam frowned slightly and withdrew his arm. “What? Too much? We’re all having fun, right?”
“Sure, fun. I was just starting to think you’d cast me in Alex’s place.”
Liam looked confused, which only sparked Hayden’s ire. “What do you mean?”
“Now that Alex is gone, you need someone to pair up with, right?” Hayden stared at him a second before drinking his beer.
Liam’s eyes flickered with surprise and then understanding. “I guess so,” he said quietly. “Sorry.”
Hayden wished he hadn’t said anything, especially not tonight. He’d been looking forward to a night with his brothers. Like old times. Except it wasn’t like old times because Alex wasn’t there. He realized that’s what felt different. They were all together at last, but not. And they never would be. “I miss him.”
The game stopped, and everyone gathered around the bar again.
“I miss him, too,” Liam said, dropping onto a stool.
Kyle shook his head, a faint smile tugging his lips. “He’d hate this. He’d tell us all to stop crying in our beer and play the damned game.”
Evan poured a shot of tequila and held it up. “To Alex.”
Everyone scrambled to arm himself with a beverage and joined in. Their drinks were followed by a moment of silence.
Kyle looked at Liam. “What was in your letter?”
Liam laughed, but it was hollow. “I didn’t get a letter.”
Kyle’s eyes widened. “Dude, I know you had this weird love-hate thing, but that’s cold.”
“It was a video. He went skydiving and filmed it.”
Hayden was shocked to hear this. He’d lived here, seen Alex pretty much every day, but he didn’t know anything about that. “No shit?”
Liam nodded. “He’s the reason I do that stuff. He asked me if I’d jump out of a plane and record it so he could experience it vicariously. After that he kept coming up with ideas, and I kept doing them. I guess I kind of liked it.”
Light laughter filled the room. “Yeah, kind of,” Evan said.
“Was that it?” Hayden asked, wanting to hear more about this video. “Just him jumping out of a plane?”
Liam stared at his now-empty pint glass. “Oh no, there was much more to it than that. You don’t think he’d let me off that easily, do you?”
Dylan took the glass from Liam’s hand and refilled it from the tap. “Was it bad?”
“It wasn’t good. Like Kyle said, we had this love-hate thing. He, uh, he called me that night.”
Sean leaned forward, his gaze intense. “Like he called Tori? What did he say?”
“He was drunk—or so I thought. I guess he was drugged up from what he took. He told me I could come home.” Liam looked at Sean, his eyes dark. “I’m sorry. I know Tori wishes she knew why he called her, but I don’t know either. And frankly, I’m glad she didn’t answer. I did, and the guilt . . . well, let’s just say that no one wants that.”
“I think we all have guilt, for one reason or another,” Kyle said, grimacing.
Hayden didn’t. Well, he did, but his anger had overtaken that. He’d altered his life to be here for his brother. Maybe he would’ve left with Bex. Maybe he and Bex never would’ve even come back to Ribbon Ridge after college. But he’d insisted on standing by Alex, and for what? For Alex to throw that gift back in his face by killing himself. But he never said that to anyone. What would be the point?
Liam looked at Kyle. “What was in your letter?”
Kyle huffed out a breath and ran his hand through his blond hair. “Honestly, he absolutely nailed me. Called out my failures but also praised my abilities. He told me exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it.”
“That’s a credit to Aubrey,” Liam said. “Alex left her a letter too—along with all of our letters—instructing her when to deliver them. Some of his directions were kind of vague.”
“What about you, Evan?” Kyle asked. “What was in your letter?”
“I, uh, it sounds like it was different than yours.” His eye contact was always sketchy, but right now, he wasn’t even looking in their vicinity. “He started a book and asked me to finish it.”
“What?” This question was asked by several people, including Hayden. That was something else he hadn’t known. That Alex had shared these things with his other siblings but not him burned.
Liam looked astounded. “He wrote a book? I had no idea.”
Okay, so Alex hadn’t told everyone everything. He’d been really good at keeping secrets, apparently. But hadn’t his shocking suicide illustrated that?
“What’s it about?” Kyle asked, rapt.
“Two brothers. It’s . . . complicated.” Evan fidgeted with his pocket.
Hayden threw him a lifeline. “Tell us some other time, when we aren’t all half-drunk.”
“Did you finish it?” Dylan asked.
“Uh, yeah.” He shrugged. “I’m trying to figure out what to do with it.”
Kyle shook his head again. “Damn, Alex certainly pulled the wool over all of our eyes, didn’t he?” He looked over at Hayden. “What about your letter?”
Hayden froze like a deer in a pair of headlights. “Pretty basic. ‘Sorry I killed myself. I love you. Et cetera.’ ” Or so Hayden imagined. He’d never actually opened it. He’d been too pissed. Aubrey had given it to him a couple of days after she’d shared Alex’s trust with them. She’d only said that Alex had asked her to give it to him away from anyone else, so that he could open it alone.
Hayden had promptly stuffed it in the glove compartment of his car and forgotten about it.
Not completely of course. He’d thought about it from time to time, but since it had been here in Oregon and he’d been in France, he’d put it out of his mind again. And again.
Now he wanted to read it. He wanted to feel that familiar anger. Why did you abandon me when I stuck by you?
Kyle poured a shot of tequila and tossed it back. “Sucks that he’s gone.”
Liam pressed his lips together. “Yes, it does.”
Sean let out a low whistle. “Wow, you blokes sure know how to piss all over a good time. Next time you invite me for pool, I think I’ll watch Titanic instead. Far more cheerful.”
Everyone stared at him for a minute, and then laughter erupted. Even Hayden cracked a smile, despite the emotion swirling inside him.
Dylan rubbed his hands together. “All right, whose turn was it?”
“It was mine,” Sean said. “But I actually scratched so it’s someone else’s go.”
Liam took his turn next, and the mood turned more jovial. The drinking continued and after a while, they simply couldn’t play anymore. Hayden had actually stopped drinking a bit ago, but he was pleasantly shitfaced. Not so far gone, however, that he didn’t remember Alex’s letter and the fact that it was in his car, which was parked outside and wouldn’t be as soon as the girls got home and poured their respective guys into their vehicles to drive them home.
Hayden stood from the couch where he’d collapsed a little earlier. “Unlike you losers, I can stagger up to bed. Do yourselves a favor and don’t drink anymore.”
Kyle saluted. “Yes, sir.”
Evan waved a hand from the corner where he’d retreated close to an hour ago. He was undoubtedly the most sober of all of them. “Night, Hay.”
Everyone else shouted “Good night” or “Sleep tight,” and he thought he even heard “Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”
He made his way upstairs and stole outside. His Honda Pilot, which he’d let Kyle continue driving since he thought he was going back to France, was parked near the closest garage, and it was unlocked. He opened the passenger door and popped the glove compartment. After a minute of fishing through random crap, he found the envelope with his name on it. Alex’s handwriting stared up at him, and Hayden glared back.
He folded it and stuffed it into his pocket, intending to tell anyone he encountered that he’d stepped outside for fresh air on his way up to bed.
But he didn’t meet anyone. Once he was in his room, he closed the door and flopped onto his bed, his head crashing into the pillows. He really ought to drink some water unless he wanted a bitch of a hangover tomorrow. He pulled the envelope from his pocket and tossed it aside then got up and went to his bathroom to drink three glasses of water in quick succession.
When he retreated into his room, his gaze fell on the envelope. It was facedown, so that the seal seemed to call to him, “Break me.”
He snorted and picked it up. Sliding his finger into the corner, he tore it open and pulled out the single sheet.
Dear Hayden,
I suck. I know how much you gave up for me. Who you gave up. And I’m sorry. You should’ve left when Bex asked you to. You guys belonged together, and I selfishly kept you to myself. What a dick, right?
I don’t know if you’re mad at me or not. You’ve got the kindest heart of any of us. I swear you have every decent gene from Mom and Dad. I know I didn’t get any of them.
I hope you’ll chase your dreams now that I’m not here to hold you back. I imagine you will be the best, most celebrated winemaker in the entire Willamette Valley, maybe even the country. If anyone can do it, it’s you.
I wish I’d told you what I was planning. I wanted to. Of everyone, I wanted to tell you. You deserved my honesty. But I’d already burdened you enough.
You have my utmost admiration and appreciation. You are the grit among us, the glue that keeps us all together. That may not seem rewarding or satisfying, but it’s necessary. This family needs you, and I know you’ll always be there.
All my love,
Alex
Well, wasn’t that fucking fabulous? Even in death, Alex was making him feel like he was some sort of guardian angel, or worse, an insurance agent. That without him, things would go to shit.
But they hadn’t. Hayden had left, and everyone had managed just fine. Swimmingly in fact.
Screw you, Alex.
He crumpled the letter and threw it to the floor before falling back onto the bed. He stared up at the ceiling, his insides roiling with emotion. He wished he hadn’t known about Kyle’s letter or Evan’s book or Liam’s video. It all made him feel so secondary. Sure, he was needed—wasn’t that what he wanted?
Maybe it wasn’t. Hell, he didn’t know what he wanted.
He wanted this winery, but tonight he’d remembered what it was like to be the guy who didn’t quite fit in. And now he felt that more keenly than ever. He was single, unattached to any of the Archer businesses, and he didn’t even have a place to live in Ribbon Ridge that he could call his own.
The house was quiet. At least from up here. His parents were on the other side of the house on the main floor, and the guys—if they were still here—were two floors below him.
Then he heard voices and the door to the outside opening and cars starting. The girls must’ve come back, which he’d somehow missed, and now everyone was taking off.
That meant Bex was back. Down the hall. He listened but heard nothing. Silence returned. Minutes passed. Then he heard it. Muffled footsteps followed by the slight creak of her door.
Before he thought better of it, he bolted from his bed and strode to her room.
He didn’t bother knocking, just went inside and closed the door behind him. He paused, watching her as she turned in surprise.
She’d tossed her purse on the dresser and her hands were on the hem of her shirt, like she’d been about to take it off.
He thought of her without her shirt, a view he’d seen and appreciated many times. But he hadn’t come here for that. Had he?
Why had he come?
“Hayden.” Her brow was furrowed, her green eyes luminous, like pale jade. “What’s wrong?”
Did he look like something was wrong? “I just read my letter from Alex.”
Shit, where had that come from? He hadn’t meant to say that.
“What do you mean?”
“Never mind.” He started to turn, but her hand on his wrist stopped him.
“Don’t go. I want to listen. What letter from Alex?”
Her touch seared through him, aroused him in ways he’d thought long buried. “Forget I mentioned it.”
Her tone was soft, pleading. “Hayden, let me help you. Please.”
He pivoted back around, and she dropped her hand from his wrist. “Alex wrote us all letters, or in Liam’s case recorded a video, which Aubrey had to deliver to all of us at various, predetermined times based on his wishes. I got my letter pretty much immediately, but I didn’t read it until tonight. Want to know what it said?”
She was utterly calm in the face of more emotion than he’d shown in years. Maybe forever. “Yes.”
“That I should’ve gone with you. That you and I belong together. That he was a selfish dick for manipulating me to stay.” He hadn’t used those words precisely, but that’s what he’d done with all of the little comments about how helpful Hayden was and what a great brother and son he was to stay in Ribbon Ridge working at Archer. Hayden had felt needed and wanted, but now he just felt handled.
She lifted her hand to her mouth. Her eyes were wide. “I . . . I don’t know what to say.”
Hayden knew he was still tipsy, but he didn’t care. Now that he’d let loose, he couldn’t seem to stop it. “Then don’t say anything.” He took two steps toward her and slid one hand around her waist and the other along her neck. Then he kissed her, his lips gravitating to hers like a leaf falling to the ground. Soft, gentle, a whisper.
His mouth moved over hers, so familiar and yet different. He stroked the soft underside of her jaw and pressed his fingers into her waist. It was the Bex he remembered and a woman he’d just met all in one. He was mesmerized.
Her hands splayed against his chest, and for a moment he thought she meant to push him away. But she dug her fingertips into his shirt and pulled him into her. He parted his lips at the exact moment she parted hers. Their tongues met, and fireworks exploded.
She moaned softly as she twined her arms around his neck, tugging him down so she could deepen the kiss.
He hadn’t meant for this to happen, but he wanted it. He wanted her.
Palming the back of her head, he swept his tongue into her mouth, licking and tasting, devouring. And she kissed him back, her body arching up into his, her breasts pressing deliciously against his chest.
His thoughts from earlier assaulted him. He dragged his mouth from hers and kissed along her jaw, moving to nibble her ear. Then he tipped her head to the side to give him access to her neck. Just as soft and sensitive as he remembered. She shivered when he tongued her flesh.
He slid his hand up under the hem of her shirt and squeezed her side, careful to use firm pressure so as not to tickle her. He remembered so many things about her, but wanted to discover new ones.
“Hayden.” She gently pushed at his shoulders.
It took him a moment, but he pulled back. “What?”
“You’ve been drinking.”
“So?”
She looked at him intently. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Absolutely. I’m not that drunk. Not so far gone to have regrets.” He splayed his fingers beneath her shirt, feeling her heat. “Right now, you’re the only thing I know, without hesitation, that I want. That I need .”
“We shouldn’t . . .”
“Why not? We’re grown-ups. I want you. You want me.” But maybe she didn’t. Maybe she was trying to politely end this. “You don’t want me.”
She closed her eyes briefly then her hands were around his neck again, and she was on her toes. “I want you so bad. Right now . Right here .”
He stared into her eyes and let himself be lost. “Then I’m yours.”