Chapter 2 Liam #2
I stared at him. The frustration in my chest was already cooling because it was a good answer. A fair answer. The kind of solution that let him keep his integrity without blowing up my life.
"Fine," I said.
"Fine?"
"Yeah. Fine. Tell people to ask me. I can handle that."
"Can you? Because 'handling it' means actually answering when they do. Not dodging."
"I'll figure it out."
"That's not inspiring confidence."
"It's the best I've got right now."
He studied me for another second. Then nodded. "Okay."
"Okay."
Silence. The radiator humming. Someone's music bleeding through the wall from next door.
"We good?" I asked.
"We're good." He turned back to his desk. Picked up his highlighter. Then, over his shoulder: "For what it's worth, you sound really happy when you talk about him. Even when you're trying not to.
Fuck off, Noah."
"Love you too."
An hour later, the lights were off and Noah was out cold—his whale sounds app humming through his headphones. The guy could fall asleep in under three minutes, which I'd always considered a superpower and also deeply unfair.
I lay in the dark with my phone on my chest.
The screen lit up.
Alex
You awake?
Liam
No. Dead. The row killed me. This is my ghost.
Alex
Your ghost texts fast.
Liam
Ghosts have nothing better to do.
Alex
How's your body?
Liam
Everything hurts. My hands are shredded. My quads are torn up.
Alex
You should stretch.
Liam
You sound like the British tea lady.
Alex
Did you set an intention for your recovery?
Liam
Ha. My intention is to lie here and think about you. That count?
Three dots. Appearing. Disappearing. Appearing again.
Alex
That counts.
I grinned in the dark like an idiot.
Alex
What are you thinking about specifically?
Liam
Wouldn't you like to know.
Alex
I would actually. That's why I asked.
Liam
Your face when you're concentrating on the water. You get this line between your eyebrows.
Alex
I don't.
Liam
You do. It's annoying.
Alex
Annoying?
Liam
Yeah. Because it makes me want to kiss you.
A pause. Longer than the others.
Alex
You can't say things like that and expect me to sleep.
Liam
Who said I wanted you to sleep?
Alex
Liam.
Liam
Alex.
Alex
We have practice in 6 hours.
Liam
You'll survive.
Alex
I can only hope.
Liam
Can I tell you something?
Alex
Yeah.
Liam
Jace is graduating in December. He got invited to a U23 national team development camp.
Alex
Wow. That's huge.
Liam
Yeah. He was talking about it on the bridge. The pipeline. How it works. Training camps, international racing, the whole thing.
Alex
He deserves it. He's good enough.
Liam
He is. But that's not what I want to tell you.
Alex
Okay.
I stared at the screen. My thumb hovering. This was the kind of thing I didn't say out loud. Not to Tyler, not to Noah, not to anyone. Because saying it made it real and real things could be taken away.
Liam
I want that.
Alex
U23?
Liam
All of it. The camps. The national team. The whole thing.
I sent it before I could delete it.
Liam
I want to go to the Olympics.
The screen sat there. Just those words glowing back at me.
The biggest thing I'd ever admitted to another person.
The dream I kept locked in the back of my head because guys from my side of the river didn't get to want things that big.
We wanted scholarships. We wanted to graduate.
We wanted jobs that paid enough to help our moms.
But I wanted it. I'd always wanted it. And I'd never told anyone because wanting it felt like asking to be disappointed.
Alex
I know.
Liam
What do you mean you know?
Alex
I've watched you row for two years, Liam… you train like you're running out of time. That's not someone who just wants to win a college race.
My throat went tight.
Alex
You're good enough. You know that right?
Liam
I don't know that.
Alex
I do. Hale does. That's why he pushed us so hard today. He sees it too.
Liam
If I don't make it I'm just a guy with a rowing scholarship and no plan B.
Alex
Then you make it.
Liam
Just like that?
Alex
No. Not just like that. You make it the way you do. By fighting for it.
Liam
Nobody's ever said that to me before. Except. my mom.
Alex
Then nobody's been paying attention.
I pressed the phone against my chest. Closed my eyes. Breathed.
The way he said that landed in the exact place I didn't know was empty. The way he made the biggest, most terrifying thing I'd ever admitted feel possible instead of stupid.
I'd spent my whole life being angry. Angry at my dad for leaving. Angry at the lake for dividing everything into haves and have-nots. Angry at myself for wanting things I couldn't afford. Anger was easy. Anger was fuel. You could row a 2K on anger and win.
But this—whatever Alex made me feel—it wasn't anger. It was the opposite. It was the feeling of someone holding a door open and saying you're allowed to walk through this. Not fixing me. Not pitying me. Just believing in the version of me I was too scared to believe in myself.
And that terrified me more than anything Braden could say or Emily could do. Because anger I knew how to carry. This—I didn't know what to do with this.
Liam
Thanks Alex.
Alex
You don't have to thank me for telling you the truth.
Liam
Yeah I do.
A pause.
Alex
One day at a time, remember?
Liam
One day at a time.
Alex
I should sleep.
Liam
So sleep.
A pause. Long enough that I thought maybe he'd actually put the phone down.
Alex
Today was good, Liam. The rowing. The way it felt. I just wanted you to know that.
I read it twice… just Alex telling me something real, sweet.
Liam
It was. Good work. Tomorrow?
Alex
Tomorrow.
Liam
Goodnight, golden boy.
Alex
Goodnight Liam.
I put the phone under my pillow. Rolled onto my side. The room was dark and quiet and Noah's breathing was steady and my body ached from the best row of my life.
For the first time all day, the knot in my chest was loose.
I closed my eyes.
And for once, I didn't think about Emily or Braden or the $147 in my account or the three weeks of lying that stretched ahead of us. Or the Econ paper due Friday that I hadn't started.
I fell asleep smiling.