Chapter 15
CHAPTER
FIFTEEN
Emelia
For five minutes, I stare at the comment on my Facebook post. A riot of emotions fights it out inside me to see which comes out on top. Will it be tenuous excitement? Guilt? Shame? Relief?
I knew Tanya in high school. DM me if you want.
This is what I wanted, wasn’t it? Isn’t this the exact reason I put the message up in the first place? If that’s the case, why am I so conflicted right now?
Because if you message this woman, there’s no going back.
Before I can second-guess myself, I pick up the phone and call Trey. If anyone might understand what I’m going through, it will be him.
He picks up on the second ring. “Oh, so you are still alive. I wasn’t sure, given how you never call me back.” Trey’s tone is playful, but there’s meaning behind it.
“Sorry. Crazy few days. There was a big storm, and a tree came down on the bunkie, and so now I’m living in the main house.”
There’s a brief pause. “With the cute daughter and the dad who hates you?”
“Yeah, pretty much. But that’s not why I’m calling. I need to talk to you about something else.”
He must sense something because he doesn’t push me, letting me change the subject. “Okay…”
First, I tell him about the call from the doctor.
“Okay…well, it sounds like you probably don’t have anything to worry about, right? More likely than not, there’s nothing going on. Doesn’t seem like you to stress out about something like this until you know there’s something to be worried about.”
I nod, though he can’t see me. “Agreed. That’s not what’s on my mind.”
“All right…”
I lean back so I’m fully prone on the bed. “When she asked about my maternal history…”
Trey’s long sigh comes through the phone. “You realized how little you know about where you came from.”
See, I knew he’d understand.
Trey was adopted by my aunt and uncle after living with them through foster care.
While he does know who his birth parents are—he actually went looking for his birth father and found him—he wasn’t raised by them and didn’t live in a house and come to know the ins and outs of their personalities the way you only can when you live with them.
“Exactly. And I think maybe I want to know more, which makes me feel like a traitor.” I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to prevent any tears from forming.
“Have you talked to Uncle Jed and Aunt Molly about it?”
“No.” I roll over onto my side, with my phone pressed against my ear. “I don’t even know how I’d approach something like that. I haven’t even fully decided that this is a road I want to go down.”
“That’s fair. It’s something you should really consider. There’s always a chance you’ll find out things you wish you didn’t know.”
“I know, but sometimes I think that might be better. At least then I’d know something.”
“Only you can decide for yourself what you need. But, Emelia, your parents love you. I don’t think they’d be upset if you wanted to know more about your birth mother.”
“Objectively, I know you’re probably right. But it’s more the thought of hurting them. I don’t want them to think they’ve done anything wrong or that I want someone else. I love them so much, and…it feels like a hot poker in the chest.”
“Thanks for the visual…I get it. You know I do.”
“That’s why I called. I wasn’t looking for answers. I just wanted to commiserate with someone who’s already been through it.”
“I will, and when you think you’re ready, I’ll be right next to you when you tell your parents.”
I smile even though he can’t see me. “Thanks.”
“Always.”
“Okay, enough of that. Tell me what’s going on with you.”
“You sure? I’m happy to listen as long as you need me to.”
“I’m sure.”
Trey fills me in on everything happening in his life, as well as the local Sunrise Bay gossip. Apparently, there was some kind of pregnancy scare with my cousin Crew last week, and Trey’s sister, Althea, is dating some guy he really has a problem with.
“Well, we both know Althea’s not going to listen to you if you try to tell her. I speak from experience.”
Trey laughs because he has held my hand through a lot of dramatic breakups. After my college boyfriend broke up with me, I was a little disillusioned and didn’t make the best choices in men.
“I know you’re right.” He groans. “It’s just hard to remain silent when you can see the crash coming from a mile away. Speaking of potential collisions…let’s talk about the one that’s about to happen to you. How’s it going, living with that guy and his daughter?”
“Not as bad as I would have thought, honestly. Baylor—that’s the daughter—she’s adorable, and Elliott is surprisingly more tolerable with me living under his roof.”
“Huh.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. Usually when you don’t like someone, you’ll rant and rave about them, like the first time you mentioned him to me. Just not the reaction I was expecting, I guess.”
I sit up in bed. “Well, I don’t have much choice but to make it work.”
“Sure, that could be it. Or maybe you like this guy. Maybe you’re figuring out that you’re compatible.”
He’s completely delusional.
“Are you kidding me? This guy is all about stability, and I’m not sticking around. Besides, he doesn’t even like me half of the time.”
That used to be true. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel some kind of chemistry between us, but I’m pretty sure it’s just the physical kind. Not that we can act on it, though.
“Sounds like it could be a hot hookup for a couple of months.”
I chuckle. “Pretty sure that’s not his style.”
If it were, though, is that something I would be into? I’m not sure. Although that night he saved me was pretty hot.
“I’m sure you could convince him somehow.”
“I’m trying not to end up in bed with him, remember?”
He laughs.
“All right. On that note, I have to go. It’s a nice day, so I think I’m going to go out on the deck and work in the sunshine while I still can.”
“Enjoy. And listen, you know I’m here anytime you want to talk, right?”
“I know. Thanks, cuz.”
We hang up, and I flop back on the bed and stare at the ceiling, blowing out a breath. I hate that I have this feeling, this aching to know more about Tanya, the guilt that I’m not entitled to find out more. I had good parents. They loved me and raised me well. Why can’t that be enough?
I wish it were enough.
Because if I go down this road, it’ll hurt my parents when I inevitably have to talk to them about it. There’s no way around it.
The blood draw just brought to the surface what’s been brewing inside for a long time. And with every year that passes that I don’t do anything about it, the feeling becomes sharper, more cutting.
I roll off the bed and go to the closet, pull on a cardigan over my T-shirt, grab my laptop and my notes, and head outside onto the deck.
Since it’s lunchtime, it’s warm, not hot, and the sun is high in the sky.
If I took a picture, you could almost mistake the day for the middle of summer, but the temperature and the scent of the earth make it clear that autumn is almost upon us.
After I’m seated at the table and have my laptop set up in front of me, I take a moment to appreciate the view. Sun sparkles off the water, and evergreens stand tall and proud on the far side of the lake. The air is fresh, the area quiet and peaceful.
I’m not sure if it’s the view or talking to Trey, but I ache for home a little.
But then the feeling of what it was like to not quite fit returns, and I remind myself why I left Sunrise Bay in the first place and why I’ve been bouncing around the country since.
I still haven’t found a place where I feel like I fit.
I keep thinking that if I find out more about my mom, maybe all these feelings will settle. So I pull up Facebook and click on the name of the woman who left the comment, Lisa Barter, and type out a message to her.