Chapter 42
CHAPTER
FORTY-TWO
Elliott
Baylor spent the entirety of Wednesday begging me to let Kate come to dinner, so that’s what happens.
I could have suggested a restaurant, but the idea of everyone in town being spectators at our meal didn’t sit well with me. So here we are, sitting across the table from each other, finishing a meal, the way we might have in a different reality where Kate didn’t abandon her infant.
The entire time the three of us sit there, I can’t shake the feeling of wrongness. That this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. That the wrong woman is sitting across from me.
I keep looking toward the refrigerator and the drawing that Baylor did of herself, Emelia, and me. It’s like a beacon in the night, stealing my attention.
“Sometimes Uncle Ansel lets me slide down the pole when he takes me to the fire station,” Baylor tells Kate.
“He what?” I set my fork down beside my plate.
Baylor’s eyes snap over to me, wide. “Oops. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”
“Ansel and I will be having a little chat,” I mutter.
Kate laughs. “I see Ansel hasn’t changed much.”
She’s been a little more comfortable than she was the other night. Maybe that’s what’s bothering me so much—how easily she’s slipping back into play-acting her former role.
“Ansel will never change.” I reach for my glass of water and take a sip.
“And last time I went to the park with my friend Gabrielle, I tried the monkey bars. That was the first time, because I was always scared before.” Baylor watches Kate, waiting for her approval.
Baylor has come more out of her shell with Kate during this visit too. She’s been telling story after story, fact after fact, in an effort to impress her mother. I worry it’s because she thinks she has to earn Kate’s love or make her stick around this time.
“Is Gabrielle your best friend?” Kate asks, moving her food around her plate, having barely eaten anything.
Baylor nods. “She’s really funny and nice, and we like the same things.
And her mom does her hair so nicely every day for school.
” She looks at me and winces at what she’s about to say.
“Daddy can do some stuff with my hair, but not the really fancy stuff. So usually, Emelia will do it for me if I ask.”
Kate looks at me with a knowing expression. “That’s really nice of her.”
Baylor nods and says uh-huh around a mouthful of pasta.
We finish dinner, and I tell the two of them that I’m going to clean up the kitchen if they want to spend some time together before Kate has to go.
Once I’m alone, I set my hands on either side of the sink and let my head drop for a minute.
So much has changed in the past few months.
I’ve long been a guy who values stability and security, and it feels as though almost every single aspect of my life has been upended.
And yet, in some ways, I might be happier than I’ve ever been.
I raise my head and look out at the light on inside the bunkie across the yard.
I’ve got a lot going on with this Kate situation, but regardless, with every day that ticks by, I’m more and more aware of Emelia’s imminent departure. More aware, yet less accepting.
Then I look at the picture on the fridge, the picture of the three of us again.
It looks so right, so perfect.
My chest tightens at the realization that I want that. I want it to be the three of us.
I want Emelia to be the one sitting across from me at the kitchen table.
I want Emelia to be the one playing with Baylor in her bedroom.
I want Emelia to stay in my life.
But…
I scrub a hand over my face. We had an agreement. And telling her how I feel would break that agreement. Plus, I have no idea if she feels the same way.
The idea of telling her and facing her rejection, of her being yet another person in my life who leaves me…I don’t know if I can do it.
The sound of Baylor’s laugh in the other room pulls me from my thoughts.
One thing at a time. Before I figure out what I’m going to do about Emelia, I need to figure out what to do about Kate.
Once again, Baylor hugs Kate’s legs when she says goodbye, and I tell her I’ll be back in after I speak to Kate outside.
It’s cold out tonight, and I shove my hands into the pockets of my jacket as we stand beside her car. I decide just to come out with it and ask what I want to know. “What’s the plan here, Kate? You’ve met your daughter. Now what? Are you moving back to Echo Lake?”
When her gaze cuts away from mine, I know the answer. My hands press into fists inside my pockets.
“I have a good job in Philly and coming back here…I know I can’t live in a town this small, Elliott. I’d never last.”
“Great, so this was just a pit stop for you, was it?” Venom edges my tongue as the words leave my mouth.
“No, no, it isn’t. I still want a relationship with my daughter. I was hoping you’d be open to facilitating that.” She holds my gaze, her eyes pleading.
“What exactly does that mean?”
She drops her gaze and shifts her weight.
“I want to visit when I can, have regular video chats with her, maybe eventually you’d let her come visit me in Pennsylvania.
I want to be able to send her birthday presents and Christmas presents.
I want her to get to know me, and I want to answer any questions she has for me when she gets older. ”
Part of me wants to instantly tell her no.
That it’s not an option. That she’s upsetting the safe bubble I’ve created for Baylor here in Echo Lake.
And three months ago, I probably would’ve said just that.
But I also know that having a relationship on some level with her mother will be good for her.
When she’s older, Baylor can decide for herself how much of one she wants to pursue, but right now, building a base between them, while scary, is beneficial to my daughter.
“That’s it? You’re not asking for shared custody or anything like that?”
She shakes her head. “Baylor has a good life here. I can see that. I can see how loved she is and what an amazing job you’ve done raising her. I would never want to rip her away from that.”
“I dare you to try.” My voice is flat. If she ever came at me for custody, I would go bankrupt fighting her.
“I only want what’s best for Baylor, and I’m self-aware enough to know that I’m not that. At least not as a full-time parent. I just want to know her, and for her to know me.” She’s trying to put up a strong front, but I see the way her hands shake before she clasps them in front of her.
Finally, I nod. “Agreed then. But you have to promise not to disappear from her life again. You can come over on Saturday morning and tell her you’re leaving town, but it’s not like last time. Explain what you just told me to her in a way that she’ll understand.”
Her head tilts, and there are tears in her eyes again.
“I wish things had turned out differently, Elliott. I wish I could’ve been what Baylor needed when she was an infant.
I wanted to come back into her life years ago, but I was too afraid.
Too afraid to face you, and too afraid to face her.
Now I wish I hadn’t waited so long to gather my courage. ”
There’s so much regret in Kate’s words and in her eyes.
Realization hits me squarely.
I don’t want that to be me.
I don’t want to look back years from now, wishing I’d had enough courage to tell Emelia how I feel.
Yes, telling her and having her reject me might open up old wounds—yet another person I love who leaves me—but I’d rather have that feeling than the regret, wondering what might have happened if I’d told her.