Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Dear Baby,
I don’t know exactly what I’m going to write. But here goes…
Right now, you are about the size of a plum. I can still hardly believe I have a living, growing human inside my belly. When I first saw your heart beating, I had never seen anything like it. Nature really is amazing.
I wonder what it is like for you in there, surrounded by darkness and warmth. I hope you are comfortable. I was a baby once too, of course, and began just as you are, but I don’t remember it, I don’t think any of us do.
No one can tell that I’m pregnant yet. I know that soon you will start growing even more quickly, and so will my belly! I will have to buy some new clothes; they are already feeling tight.
I am excited about the journey ahead, but I have to admit, I am also a little scared. This is a first for me. I don’t know what to expect, or how I will change, and it all feels surreal.
I feel like eating a lot of carbs lately. I guess that’s sort of a craving… they say you can crave certain foods in pregnancy. I wonder what your favourite food will end up being. Mine is usually chocolate, but a healthier favourite would have to be strawberries, or watermelon.
L acie lifted the pen off the page for a moment, tapping it against her chin. Her mind was trying to swerve around the deeper issues and distract her with food. Would she really show the baby this letter in the future? It was in the journal – in ink – so she couldn’t rub it out at least. Time would tell. For now, it felt good to let some thoughts and feelings out into the open, in writing, so she could process things her own way. The pen seemed to buzz against her skin and she put it back onto the page…
Anyway, I’m blabbering. Sometimes I do that when I’m nervous, or in a new situation. This is definitely new to me. I wonder if you will love a good chat when you’re older, or if you’ll be more of a quiet observer in life. It’s interesting how different people are, even those in the same family. My two sisters are completely different from each other. But each of us have our own unique strengths and gifts, and you will too. It’s exciting to ponder what they might be. You are about to become a new person in the world, with your own personality, hopes, and dreams. I want you to know that you can achieve anything you set your mind to in life. You are always stronger than you think, and more capable than you know. I can’t wait to…
Lacie sat up straight, a jolt of energy coursing through her. Something was building; something unknown but energising. Her heart beat faster and her breathing quickened, and it was as though she was writing the words to herself too. Resolve strengthened her grip on the pen and her eyes blinked back tears.
I can’t wait to discover who you are. I can’t wait to be your mum.
The pen fell from her grasp as her hand trembled.
That was it. Decision made.
Time seemed to stand still in that moment, as though the universe had been waiting for her to decide and was equally stunned.
Chris and Melina popped into her mind, and her heart ached at them having to struggle to achieve what she was experiencing. But maybe what she was experiencing was hers to experience, and her right to enjoy. At least she’d considered the idea of helping out her brother, but she wasn’t even sure if they would agree to such a thing, and even if they did, she wasn’t sure how she would handle being an aunt instead of the baby’s mother. Maybe she would regret her choice down the track. And how would the child feel if the truth was disclosed to them later on? While she empathised with her brother and his situation, she realised the most important consideration right now was her child. And for some reason, this child, or the universe, or a higher power, had chosen her to bring this soul to earth. It was time to step up and handle the responsibility given to her, and… allow herself to feel deserving of this gift. Sure, her brother and Melina would probably feel a little envious, and she didn’t want them to feel cheated. But the baby was the most important individual to consider. Yes, she’d be a single mum, whereas her brother and his wife would provide double the love to a child, but plenty of children had happy single parent families. She’d never let fears stop her from achieving her goals in life, so why start now? A baby hadn’t been on her list of goals, but now it would be right at the top. Life was changing, and she had to change with it.
Lacie closed the journal and grabbed her phone.
Hi Mum. Baby looks healthy so far. The 20-week scan will be most important, so until then, I’ll still keep it on a need-to-know basis. But I’ve decided. I’m keeping it. xx
She thought she might cry on putting it in writing, but surprisingly she chuckled, then laughed heartily, at the strange but exciting sensation that she – independent and ambitious Lacie Appleby – was to become a mother.
Oh! Lacie that’s such a lovely message to wake up to. I’m so glad to hear this :)
I thought I’d spend all weekend deliberating, but on writing in that journal, something happened, something clicked inside, and I knew.
Sometimes it’s good not to rush into decisions, I’m glad you gave yourself some time.
Thanks for the suggestion.
Do you want me to tell Matt and Chris, since Ellie and Penny already know?
Lacie released a nervous breath.
Yes. I don’t want to keep it from them. But no one else at this stage.
You got it. And don’t worry, I’m sure he and Melina will be happy for you. Xx
After the clarity of her decision and knowing that her mum would handle telling her brothers, Lacie was suddenly hit with exhaustion. She hadn’t realised how much the indecision and waiting for the scan had worn her out. She switched off her phone and placed it in the charger, got into her pyjamas, and flopped on the couch, ready for an evening of escapism with a good movie. Next thing she knew, she was watching the credits roll and had missed half the film. She laughed, and scrambled her way to bed to continue sleeping, and intended on spending most of the weekend doing the same. She had a lot of things to plan and organise, but it could wait until Monday.