Chapter 37
Chapter thirty-seven
Helen
Just listen.
Pretend you’re talking to me.
Don’t worry if you mess up.
Teddy’s last-minute advice rings in my ears as I push open the glass door to the dance studio, stepping from the cool, breezy night into the warm, almost humid air inside.
He gave me a full-on pep talk before I left, complete with backup commentary from Jamie, who’s currently camped out in my living room, studying with Teddy for the Coast Guard exam.
Even though I’ve helped Teddy prepare for the exam every day since he decided to apply, guilt stirs in my chest for walking out on him tonight, but he insisted.
Said my goals matter just as much as his.
So here I am, standing in the studio lobby with my heart racing.
This time, my focus isn’t choreography. It’s Lindsey.
Try to have a real conversation. Make a real friend.
Teddy’s right. I spend so much time chasing perfection, trying to control every variable, that it paralyzes me and stops me from being the person I want to be.
The Helen from a year ago danced with abandon at Gwen’s wedding. She kissed Teddy in the middle of Times Square without a second thought. She told him exactly what she wanted in the bedroom.
That’s the version of me I’m reaching for. A woman who’s confident. Unafraid. Someone who doesn’t shrink herself to fit in, only to disappear. No. I want to expand. To take up the space I deserve.
If Teddy can change—become more responsible, more focused, more driven—maybe I can too.
Even though I’m early, all the other dancers are already here.
I spot Lindsey over by the mirror, stretching her calves while scrolling on her phone.
Her ponytail swishes like it’s already dancing.
She’s cool and confident and, unlike me, clearly not rehearsing how to say hi a hundred different ways in her head.
Usually, I take my place at the end of the row, as far away from her as possible, but this time I head straight for her.
Walking stiffly like my knees forgot how to bend.
She’s next to Milton, the only guy in our group.
He gives an annoyed huff when I gesture for him to scoot back and then wedge myself between them like I belong there.
My mouth opens, and, for a second, nothing comes out. In a burst of panic, I say an overly loud, “Hello, Lindsey.”
Her head pops up, and her eyes widen. She’s so surprised that she fumbles her phone, almost dropping it. “Oh! Hi, Dr. Chu.”
Dr. Chu.
She’s going to ask about my suspension.
She’s going to tell the rest of the class what I did.
About my one-night stand.
She’s going to laugh at me.
Abort! Abort!
My heart slams in my chest, fight or flight endorphins flood my bloodstream, and I half-turn ready to flee, but then…Teddy’s voice. Calm. Steady.
Just listen.
I picture his lazy smile, the way his eyes light up when I walk out of my bedroom in the morning. How he listens, like what I say is the most important thing in the world.
Do that, I tell myself. Be like Teddy.
Maybe if I avoid the topic of work, I’ll be okay. She’ll follow my lead. That’s a good plan. A safe plan. I silently congratulate myself on being so socially savvy.
“How’s work going?” I ask her.
Oh my god.
Why did I just say that?
I briefly consider running out the door and never coming back.
She lights up. “Good! We’ve missed you.”
Is she lying? Just being nice?
I search her expression, looking for clues, but she just smiles at me, open and unguarded. I wonder if she knows why I’ve been gone. Deciding to gently probe, I ask, “Did, uh, Dr. Reynolds say anything about me?”
“No. Just that you would be out for a couple of months.” Her eyes drop, and her cheeks tinge pink. She knows something, but how to find out what? I tap my fingers on my lip, thinking.
She glances up and then away. “I thought at first maybe you were sick or something, but then I saw you here and you seemed fine, healthy.”
“So you asked around?” I say, using logic to guess what she did next. That’s what I would’ve done, if our situations were reversed.
She shifts from foot to foot, unable to meet my eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s none of my business.”
“But you were curious?” I ask gently.
“It’s just, you’re one of my favorite doctors—”
“I am?” I ask, genuinely shocked. I didn’t think I was anyone’s favorite anything.
“Yeah, and I was a little worried.” Lindsey looks up from under her lashes. “Larry told me what happened.”
Larry.
“He’s a butt nugget.” The words shoot out before I can stop them.
Lindsey’s head jerks up, her mouth dropping open.
I slap my hand over my face. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It was weird.”
I peek through my fingers to find her laughing. Laughing! So hard she bends over with her hands on her knees.
“Butt nugget,” she wheezes between breaths. “Oh my god, he totally is.”
My cheeks lift with a smile, and soon I’m giggling too.
Milton takes a few cautious steps away, like he fears for our sanity.
Once we’ve calmed down and wiped the tears from our eyes, I ask, “What exactly did Larry say?”
Lindsey stands, stretches her hands above her head, and does a side bend, like it’s easy to talk and move at the same time. I mimic her, readying myself for whatever nonsense Larry spouted off about me.
Turns out, it’s worse than I thought.
“He said your ‘loser,’” making air quotes, “his words not mine, boyfriend came in overdosed, and you lied about knowing him. He told some of the nurses you ordered everyone out of the room so you could treat him yourself. He even implied you gave the guy more drugs so he wouldn’t go into withdrawal. ”
I flinch. “Seriously?”
“I said I was there too and that, besides putting the IV in yourself, everything else you did was by the book. I reminded them the entire code team was there so it’s not like there was a chance for any funny business.
” She folds her arms, triumphant. “The rumors died down after that. Nobody trusts Larry. He gives all the female staff the heebie-jeebies.”
“Thanks for defending me.” I blow out a resigned breath.
“That story was partly true. I do know the, uh, patient. His name is Teddy. He’s my friend’s brother.
We, uh, um, kinda…” I put my hand over my face, thinking if I don’t look at her maybe I can say it.
This is harder than I expected, airing all my dirty laundry, but Lindsey stuck up for me.
I feel like she deserves the truth. “We had a one-night stand, a year ago, and then he never called me. I hadn’t seen him until he came into the hospital that night. ”
“What!?” Lindsey exclaims, scowling. “What an asshole. Who doesn’t call after a hook up? I hate guys like that.”
“I know!” Months of old hurt and anger flare to life.
We still haven’t talked about that, Teddy and me.
So many times, it’s been on the tip of my tongue, but every time I let it go.
Not wanting to hear about how that night meant nothing to him, when it meant everything to me.
Before I can think it through, I blurt out, “Now he’s living with me!
Walking around with his shirt off and being all nice and charming, like he didn’t stomp on my heart. ”
Lindsey’s mouth gapes. “Are you freaking kidding me? What a jerk!”
I nod, vindicated that her outrage matches mine, that she gets it.
She grabs my wrist, eyes blazing. “Is he taking advantage of you? Because I swear to God, I will kick his ass for you. Just say the word, Dr. Chu—”
“Call me Helen.”
“Helen. I am all about accountability. These guys, they think they can get away with anything just because they’re hot and all, but not on my watch. No sir. We are modern, resilient women. We don’t need them and their tiny dicks. That’s what God made vibrators for.”
She’s practically shouting by the end of her tirade, face red and ponytail mussed, and I’m so here for it. I haven’t felt this much feminine rage in forever, not since Nick Kettleman pushed me down in second grade and I kicked him in the stomach so hard he puked.
Natalie, on the other side of Lindsey, caught the tail end of our conversation. She raises her hand in a fist of solidarity. “Fuck, yeah.” Elenor leans in from behind her and adds, “Men! What is wrong with them? Pick up the goddamn phone. Be a decent human being. It’s not that hard.”
Sensing that his life is in danger, Milton has defected to the other side of the room, where he watches us like we’re summoning demons.
Lindsey’s still breathing hard, her eyes glittering, and it occurs to me in that moment that I’m weird, but maybe Lindsey is too, just in her own way.
Maybe we all are.
“Let’s all go to your place after class and give this Teddy a piece of our minds,” Lindsey announces.
The other women nod in unison.
Worried I might have stirred up a mob, I backtrack quickly. “He’s not all bad, Teddy.”
Lindsey sends me a doubtful look, like she’s convinced I’m a victim of Stockholm Syndrome.
I raise my hands. “No, really. He binge watches TV reruns with me, eats ice cream, teaches me to surf. Coached me on how to talk to you…”
Dang it, there I go again.
Foot meet mouth.
“Talk to me?” Lindsey quirks her head. “What do you mean?”
“Umm, I was…uh, nervous to speak to you. I’m not always the best at making new friends,” I admit, twisting my hands in front of me.
“Oh.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal. “I think you’re doing fine, Helen. I’ve been wanting to be your friend for forever.”
I blink. “You have?”
“Sure. Why do you think I’m always trying to talk to you in the hospital? I meant what I said—you’re my favorite.”
“Me?” I ask, looking behind me, sure she’s mistaken. She must mean someone else.
“Yes, you. I’ve been nervous about talking to you, too. You’re intimidating.”
I nod, finally understanding. “You mean because of my RBF, resting bitch face.”
Lindsey barks out a laugh, and I tense until I see she’s not laughing at me, but rather at what I just said.
“What’re you talking about? You don’t have RBF. I was scared to talk to you because you’re so smart and confident.”
“I am?”
She laughs again, light and easy, like she does it a lot. “You are, but now look at us, chatting away. Bonding over boys and how dumb they can be, like friends do.”
“Friends,” I repeat with wonder, realizing I accomplished my mission.
Teddy’s gonna be so proud. Right after I kick his ass.