Chapter 46 #2
Just the thought is enough to undo me. The memory of that night, the fear, his deathly cold skin, the wail of the monitors, rises up in a wave I can’t stop. The tears spill over again, heavy and hot, and this time I don’t even try to hold them back.
What if Teddy had died that night? I wouldn’t have just lost him, I would’ve lost the chance to know him.
These past couple of months would never have happened.
Every late-night conversation, every inside joke, every vulnerable, beautiful moment when he let me see who he really is. Those never would’ve existed.
I didn’t expect any of this when we agreed to fake date, but somehow all our pretending has become real. The thought that I could’ve missed it, that he could’ve slipped through my fingers before I ever got the chance to hold him. It’s unthinkable. Unbearable.
“Mom.” I grasp her arm and shake it gently, needing her to understand. “I almost lost him. He was so pale. I thought he wouldn’t make it.”
Seeing how upset I am, she lays her hand over mine and squeezes. “It’s all right. Teddy’s here. He’s safe. He’s perfect and so obviously in love with you.”
“No, I’m not sure he is,” I say, shaking my head. I don’t want to lead her on any longer. This morning feels like the right time to tell the truth.
All of it.
“We weren’t meant to be together, at least not at first. Teddy and I weren’t actually dating during Thanksgiving.
You assumed we were, and I let you believe it.
I even convinced him to play along because I didn’t want to disappoint you.
Not during the holidays.” I stare down at my hands, then force myself to meet her eyes. “I’m sorry I lied.”
Mom leans back and gives me a soft, knowing smile. “Helen, with all due respect to your dad and Teddy and even Gwen, who do you think knows you better than anyone in the world?”
I wrap my hands around my coffee mug, letting the warmth seep into my fingers. “You,” I say quietly. “You know me best.”
“Of course I do!” she exclaims. “You literally grew inside my body. I built you; every beautiful part of you came from in here.” She taps her belly like it’s a mic drop.
“No one understands their kid like a mom. I know every quirk, every secret—even the ones you think you hide—every fear, every hope, every tiny thing that makes you you. I’ve seen it all. ”
She leans forward, her voice softening. “So let me tell you something with absolute certainty: this thing between you and Teddy…that was never fake, honey. You two may have told yourselves that, but I’ve seen you together, seen how you look at each other.
That kind of chemistry? No. That’s not something you can make up.
That’s real and it’s special and it’s rare.
” Her eyes glisten. “Helen, it’s so rare.
I’ve been lucky enough to have it with your father and to see you find it too, well, you have no idea the peace that gives me. ”
I blink fast, trying to hold it together. “You really think so? That he’s supposed to be with me? That he could…love me?”
Love.
Such a big word, something neither of us have said yet.
“He does love you, Helen. I know it.” She says it with such certainty, like it’s the only possible outcome, that I almost believe her.
“I hope so,” I whisper like a prayer.
We sit together for a moment, shoulder to shoulder, watching the sea roll in and out until the coffee in my mug goes cold, forgotten. Outside, the sun has climbed higher, casting golden light across the kitchen tile, warming the edges of this heavy morning.
Finally, I turn to her. “What can I do? How can I help you?”
She squeezes my hand, then gently lets go. “You’ve already done so much. You gave up your whole life in New York just to come home. That’s all I need from you, sweetheart. Just be here.”
She pauses, then adds, “Do you know why I love the holidays so much?”
I tilt my head. “Why?”
“Because it’s the one time of year I can always count on us being together.
No work excuses, no distractions. Just us.
” She pauses, her voice softening. “When you’re young, you think you have all the time in the world, but now, more than ever, I realize how priceless it really is.
Time.” She smiles faintly. “It’s the most precious thing we have.
More than money, more than anything you can buy. You know what I mean?”
I nod, the lump in my throat too thick for words.
She reaches for her coffee again, takes a sip. “Go wake him up,” she says softly. “Teddy. Tell him Merry Christmas. Tell him everything else too, when you’re ready.”
I hesitate, caught between wanting to stay here in this quiet moment with her and the pull of someone special waiting just downstairs.
Mom doesn’t rush me. She just smiles, tired but peaceful. “No matter what happens, we have love, Helen. Love between a parent and a child. Love between your father and me, you and Teddy. In the end, that’s all anyone can ask for. To be loved. To love someone else.”
Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I rise and set my mug in the sink. I walk back and wrap my arms around her one more time.
“I love you, Mom,” I tell her. I’ll keep telling her every day, even after she’s gone.
“Love you too,” she says back, and I let it sink in, the knowledge that I’m well and truly loved.
I breathe her in, coffee and cinnamon and something that’s always just been Mom. I don’t know how many more moments like this we’ll have, so I hold on a little longer.
And then, finally, I let go.