Chapter 15 Allie #2
If I could go back in time, what would I do differently? Anything at all? I wished I could say yes. I wished there was a single day in the past seven years I hadn’t thought of him. Craved him.
There was another little pocket and when I peeked inside, I heard the shattering of the deep emotions that stay hidden. The ones I threw into a hole and poured a thick layer of concrete over to never feel again burst through like a barrage.
His gold wedding band.
I held it between my fingers as the visions shot rapid fire. Road trip, wedding bands bought at a pawn shop outside of Las Vegas, and holding the hand of the man who was my everything.
I quickly put it back in the proper place and rested my back against the wall. A surge of caged up jitters hit me, and my legs were wobbly and heavy.
He still had the wedding ring. He carried it with him every day. He kept it but never came back for me? Never reached out once? Why would he have it if he didn’t think of me?
After several cleansing breaths that didn’t do shit, I knocked on the open bathroom door before setting the clothes on the vanity. “Here you go.”
I looked over to see his head resting back on the tub with his eyes closed.
“I think I’m going to make those cookies I was talking about.” No reaction. “So you’re good in here?”
He didn’t move an inch, just gave a small nod.
I knew the expression he wore. The one when he was battling with himself to find strength.
The one I saw when his father went on a bender and wasn’t found for three days.
When their power was shut off and an eviction notice delivered.
Levi had the ability to dig deep, push through, and find solutions where there were none.
His mother left them when he was young and it was a scar that would never heal. The woman who just let him go. Packed up and left her beautiful little boy with an alcoholic father.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
I exited as worry took a seat on my chest as the legs of the chair sunk into my ribs.
I sat on the top step close to his room not certain why, but I couldn’t move.
Twenty minutes later I approached the bathroom again to see Levi dressed and standing at the vanity, hands resting on the counter, and his head down.
The air cracked with tension and unease, and I didn’t know if I should stay or go while I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas sang quietly from my phone on the counter.
“How’re you doing?”
He inhaled through his nose but was still. I decided I should definitely leave. He just needed a moment to gather his thoughts after the water disaster. I turned but he caught my hand and before it could register in my mind, his embrace enveloped me.
I started to push away, like the brain-using-woman I was, but an instant later I melted into him.
It was familiar but different. His smell, the way he held me, the instant reaction my body had to him.
The organ in the center of my chest scolded me, and demanded I step away immediately, but my legs weighed one thousand pounds.
“Thank you, Allie,” rumbled into my ear as it rested against his chest. “Today, uh, it’s been a lot.”
After a long moment he pulled back slightly, and I found myself staring at the center of his chest for the third time today. I wanted to look up, but fear was swimming through me. The seconds ticked by as quickly as water through a hair clogged drain.
Slowly my eyes walked up to see the warning behind his green irises as to what was about to happen. Almost as if he was giving me an out, but I didn’t move.
His lips touched mine loaded with fire. My senses were jumbled as he overwhelmed every cell in my body.
His mouth was soft and warm and exploring. The kiss was so charged I was instantly sinking. My hands involuntarily traveled to the shoulders I clung to as the rhythm was intimate, deep, and familiar. I was lost.
I whimpered as his mouth left mine and he kissed my jaw.
His whiskers sliding down my neck sent tingles up my spine.
One of his hands pulled my lower back into him while the other traveled up and held the base of my neck.
He was lighting something that had been dead for what seemed like an eternity.
I wanted him to do all the things I shouldn’t want him to do. I wanted him to lick my skin, and I wanted to watch him shake and sweat because of me. I wanted him to cage me against the mattress and satisfy every selfish need he had. I wanted to be everything to him.
His mouth found mine again as his hands held my bottom and lifted me onto the vanity. My legs instinctively wrapped around his waist as if they’ve always belonged there. His hand traveled, and I drew in a sharp breath. I held his hand as his fingers circled over my shirt causing my nerves to jump.
I couldn’t get close enough as memories ran through my mind like a powerful storm; the backseat of his truck, me drunk and screaming with laughter as he tore off my thrift store wedding dress in a Vegas hotel room.
As I lost myself even more in his lingering kisses and taste, the memory of waking up in a hospital bed with him gone hit me like a bolt of lightning.
My blood ran cold, and I pushed him away. “Stop.” I stood on my wobbly legs and ran my hands through my hair. “This can’t happen.”
“Allie—”
Confusion and anger tied a knot in my chest. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We are over. We’ve been over for a long time. Why in the hell am I kissing you?”
“I’m sorry, it’s me. I just, after the ice and, well, I don’t know.” His hand touched my shoulder, and I batted it away.
“This is so bad. I don’t want this. At all. You’re the past. I have a life now and want you nowhere in it.”
I exited the room and went into the hall so fast I tripped and landed on my knees before hopping back up.
“Are you okay?”
I stood. “I’m fine! I just like bleeding for fun.”
I clearly seized the wrong effing day. I reached my room realizing there were three stages of life. 1. Birth 2. What the fuck is this 3. Death.
I shut my door and leaned against it. What in the living hell is wrong with me? That damn Levi made me like the Bermuda Triangle; smart thoughts go in and then they’re never seen or heard from again. I was more confused than a chameleon in a bucket of Jelly Bellies.
I paced the room, slid open the window, and hung my head out in attempts to cool myself.
Okay, I needed to shove these negative thoughts from my mind. Yes, there was surely something positive I could reflect on at a time like this, right? Hmmm, something I could be happy and positive about?
Here goes. Uh, on a positive note, I’m not addicted to cocaine.
Crickets.
Yup, that was all I had.
My pulse rocketed at the quiet knock.
“Allie, are you okay?”
I walked to the door. “No, I am out of order until further notice. My stupid filter needs cleaning, and my give a shit batteries have run out.”
“Langley—”
“I just, I want to forget everything. I hate that we, uh, I just hate it.”
Silence as I rested my forehead against the door.
“Maybe this is just us saying goodbye.” His deep voice was soft as I turned around.
“What?”
“Well, back then it was over in an instant.” Through the door I heard him take a deep breath. “All because of me, and we didn’t say goodbye or anything. Everything was left unfinished, you know? There was no end.”
I just stared back at the door. There had been no end. One moment I was laughing and the next alone.
“We never had any kind of closure.”
“What?”
“Like the chance to say goodbye to us. What we had. Maybe our kissing is just us saying goodbye.”
His kisses made me want to do anything but say goodbye. Maybe my subconscious was thinking that? Although I doubted my subconscious was that smart.
“I think I once heard Dr. Phil talking about the importance of closure when people had a thing. Or some shit like that.”
“I do like Dr. Phil.” My brain was shaking her fist at me.
“I know, right? I think it’s his southern drawl.”
“Yeah. He’s from Texas. Texas people are super smart.”
“Well, I think his point was that people can move forward once they have closure. Then they can leave the past in the past.”
Oh, this sounded like something that might bite me in the ass later. “So they won’t kiss anymore after closure?”
“Nope.”
You have a life now, don’t go there.
“So what’s closure look like?”
“Well, I think if we wanted closure, we hang out however we want and just have some time. Nothing has to happen, or maybe a little kiss might be okay, up to you. Then we say goodbye and it’ll be good because the thing we had will have an ending.”
“One day and we don’t talk about anything now? Nothing about our current lives, just hang out?”
“Since nobody will be here until at least tomorrow, maybe we could give it a shot. Be close for a bit and then goodbye.”
“One day. And after closure we be civil while in Colorado and never speak again once we leave this state.”
“Yes. What do you think?”
My mind was attempting to compute and answer to his question.
Levi’s pillow lips + my jankey heart / one day of closure x my mental health = fxubcrkgewd?%!
I walked over and sat on my bed thinking of his multiple female phone calls. “But if you have, well, someone you’re seeing, or a relationship, I would never—”
“I’m not seeing anyone. I don’t do relationships, and I guarantee I want nothing.”
It felt like a kick.
He’s not with anyone. How could that be? It didn’t seem possible. “You see people?”
Pause. “To be honest, I don’t date. Ever. I have, uh, casual things, but I don’t do relationships.”
“So, you and the people you date—”
“I don’t date. I hang out.”
“But you—”
“Allie, I’m not made for something serious. Won’t ever have it. If we had closure, it would be a day of whatever and then nothing. It’d be done.”
I was struggling to digest this new information. What happened to the guy who couldn’t wait to marry me? The one who made me believe soul mates were real? How had he gone from one thing to completely another?
I never knew Levi.
But the thought of one more day in the house alone with him was an out of control high speed chase with no seatbelts.
You know, the kind of ride that ends with body bags and a ten o’clock news story.
I wanted to not want it, but if this was my one and only chance to be close for a hot minute, how could I say no?
What’s the point of living if you don’t take risks?
I mean, if I had the chance to ride the highest roller coaster in the world and didn’t because I was afraid, would I regret it forever and ever?
Would I wish I’d taken the chance to feel the fear and adrenaline?
To live a hell yes life for a little while?
I’d likely live to see the end of the ride, right?
I mean, people take risks all the time and walk out the other side just fine.
So basically, closure could be a goodbye to us without leaving my heart in pieces. Yes, no emotions, just the chance to hang out knowing it was over in a day. My brain put her hands on her hips with a raised brow, but I opted to ignored that crazy bitch.
“You in?”
I was in like a stripper dancing for her rent money due tomorrow, but my words were stuck. Maybe my body took away the English language to try to protect me? I didn’t know how to make the decision.
“Maybe ask the magic eight ball?” Muffled through the door. “Then it’s almost like we’re not making the decision. We just do whatever magic eight says.”
Maybe everything happens for a reason. But maybe the reason is because I’m a dumbass and make bad choices? Yeah, my decision-making skills are as successful as a squirrel crossing the street as of late. Maybe magic eight was the best one to choose between options A and B.
I gave it a good shake and looked into the window.
No fucking way.
Maybe she didn’t understand the question, so I whispered. “Closure with Levi?” I shook her again as I counted to five and peeked.
Use your stupid ass brain.
Technically that wasn’t really an answer; it was just a statement. I needed an answer. Shake, shake, shake.
Don’t ask.
Again, not an answer so I shook her hard.
Yes, bitch.
There it was. A solid response from magic eight ball.
“Did you get the answer?”
I nearly jumped through the ceiling when I looked over to see Levi just inside the door leaning against the wall looking thoroughly amused. Scorching heat shot to my cheeks as I sat in silence while his eyes told me he’d seen me shake until I got the response I wanted.
“I, well, the little window was foggy.” I nodded. “Couldn’t see it.”
I jumped again when he walked over and took it from my hand and read before his eyes found mine.
“Yes, bitch.” The way his lips curled up at the edges made my nether regions tingle. “So magic eight ball and the universe are okay with closure?”
I sat blinking.
“Are you good with closure?”
My voice cracked. “I guess so.”
“You want to seal the deal?”
“Seal the deal?” Uh oh. My heart reminded me of the deep scars it had, but instead of using my intellectual mind, I told my heart to shut the bloody hell up.
He took my hands and pulled me to my feet while my nerves spun around like a pole dancer. Where would closure take me? What had I signed up for? As if reading my mind, he pulled me gently into his chest.
“What now?”
I squealed when in one swift move he had me over his shoulder. “Well, I believe you said Christmas cookies were on the agenda. Since the icy lake didn’t take me out today, we should celebrate with homemade goodies. I am very serious when it comes to holiday baking. Well, more like holiday eating.”