Chapter 26
Wyatt
My breath turns to vapor in the midnight air. Acid creeps up my esophagus, brutally burning. I sit in my truck with my hand on the door.
Through the semi-frosted glass of the cabin window, I see Willow standing there with a sad expression. Even with the distance and darkness, I see it.
Don't be a coward.
I shove the door open. The hinges screech loudly, mocking me. My legs feel like lead as I force myself out and limp across the crunchy lawn.
Willow pins her gaze on mine, hers blazing with fierceness.
My steps stutter at that look. I've always hated disappointing her. I know I screwed up again tonight, but I had to make a decision. I wish I could hide it from her, but just like I was done hiding our relationship from the Cartwrights, I can't pretend tonight didn't happen.
I've become the man I never wanted to be. It's clear as day to me now. And now that I see it, I can't escape it. So I'll tell Willow the truth. She deserves honesty. But it'll be the nail that shuts the coffin on us. Once she knows my truth, there won't be an us anymore.
My insides rearrange themselves. I grit my teeth and step on the porch, trying to breathe. Everything I've ever wanted was so close, yet there's no one to blame for screwing it up but me.
"Be a man," I mutter, and turn the knob, opening the front door. I softly say, "Hey."
"Don't," she warns, her voice shaking with anger.
I ignore the coward in my head, ordering me to run. Instead, I step farther inside and shut the door. I peel off my hat and grip the leather tight.
"I can't do this again," she blurts, breath ragged. "I can't, Wyatt. I won't watch you destroy yourself again."
"I know," I rasp. My voice cracks under the weight of everything I've done.
She throws her hands up. "No, you don't know! You have no idea what you did to me! You think you can show up with those sad cowboy eyes and I'll melt into a puddle at your feet? That I'll forget all the nights I worried myself sick? Or cried over you? And that I'll just want to return to that?"
"I don't want you to forget," I force out. My chest tightens until I can barely breathe.
She glares harder at me. "Don't patronize me."
"I'm not."
"You are. Don't you dare!" she hurls.
I stay quiet, fighting emotions I was taught a man doesn't show. I struggle to put the words together so I can be honest with her.
"Let me guess. You were out drinking and having a good old time. Did you meet someone fancy?" she spouts.
I jerk my head backward. "What? No. I've never done that to you, nor would I want to."
She scoffs. "Sure you haven't."
"Willow, there's never been another woman and never will be," I insist.
Hurt flares hotter on her expression. "I don't believe you."
I step closer, trying to stay calm. "I've never looked at another woman when I've been with you. Not once."
She blinks and turns her head.
"Look at me," I order.
She refuses.
Not hiding my nervousness, I state, "There is something I need to talk to you about. But it sure as hell doesn't involve another woman. And I need you to look at me before I chicken out and hide it from you."
She slowly turns to face me.
I fight to not look away, adding, "I don't want to lie to you."
Her anger burns, but curiosity flickers alongside it.
My heart pounds so hard that I think it'll break my rib cage.
"Just spit it out, Wyatt."
I collect my thoughts, confessing, "I have a problem."
She sarcastically laughs and crosses her arms. "Tell me something I don't know, Wyatt."
My pulse ratchets up. "Jax wouldn't let me work out. So I ended up at the racetrack. There were 40 to 1 odds." The admission tastes like acid.
Her lips part, but no words come out. She swallows hard. In an almost inaudible tone, she asks, "How much did you lose?"
"I was going to try to win back everything I owed you. I could have. I had enough cash."
Her face pales, and her lips quiver.
I continue, "I had the cash out, Willow. I was seconds away."
Her mouth opens, closes, then opens again. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I didn't do it, but I have a problem," I choke out. My throat burns like I swallowed glass.
She turns her head slightly, furrowing her forehead.
I admit, "I was about to place the bet. But all I saw was your face and the emotions flashing across it. Anger. Sadness. Disgust. It was all directed at me."
Her eyes widen.
"Then I saw my father's drunk, worthless face. And I knew I was just like him. That I'd become exactly what I swore I'd never be."
She takes a slow step back, but instead of running, she sinks onto the sofa.
I sit next to her, unable to not get all of it out.
"I left the track. I drove around, not knowing where to go.
So I pulled over. Decided I have to change.
And I know I'm going to lose you over this.
But I can't just change for you. I have to change for myself.
So I searched for a Gamblers Anonymous meeting online.
I drove back to town to the church and went inside.
I… I stood in front of a dozen strangers, and I told them…
" I wrinkle my nose, breathing like a bull.
She puts her hand on mine. "What did you tell them?"
I blink several times before croaking, "My name is Wyatt, and I'm an addict."
Her breathing goes shallow.
I look away in disgrace.
She orders, "Wyatt, look at me."
I take a few ragged breaths and then slowly meet her eyes.
She asks, "You did that?"
I nod, shame flooding every inch of me. "I'm so goddamn sorry. I'm not the man I want to be. I'm not even sure if I'm fixable. But you needed to know the truth."
The tension turns so heavy, I can barely swallow. The clock ticks on. The fridge hums. A branch rattles in the wind, tapping against the window.
She doesn't scream. She doesn't bolt. Instead, she stares at me like she's seeing me for the first time. Her chest heaves with quiet, broken breaths. "You really didn't place the bet?"
I shake my head. "No. I swear on my life."
A single tear slides down her cheek. She doesn't wipe it away. She reaches out a trembling hand and sets it on my shoulder, fingers curling into my shirt.
"You're not your father. You never were," she says softly, voice cracking.
I close my eyes, fighting the tears stinging my lids. I argue, "I sure as hell do a lot of the same things."
She scoots closer, sliding her arm around my shoulders. "No. Only a few. And if you admit you have a problem, then you're one hundred steps ahead of where he ever was."
I open my eyes, and she's looking at me like there might be something in me worth saving.
For the first time in years, I let myself believe there might be. But then I remember what I'm losing. I choke out, "I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I shouldn't have come back here. I shouldn't have tried to win you back."
She inhales sharply.
I look away, trying not to cry.
Sounding hurt, she asks, "You don't want me anymore?"
Her question hangs in the air, raw and bleeding.
I look back at her. "Of course I want you. You're all I've ever wanted."
"Then why would you say that?"
I admit, "I'm confused."
"About?"
I blurt out, "How can you even look at me after what I just told you?"
"You don't think I already knew you had a problem?" she asks.
The hairs on my arms rise. "You knew I had a gambling problem?"
She bites her lip and tilts her head, sympathy softening her gaze.
"I hate that pity-filled look," I mutter.
She puts her hand on my chin and holds my face in front of hers. Sternly, she states, "It's not pity. And it takes a lot to admit you have a problem and need help."
"But how can you still want me?"
She jerks back, eyes wide with hurt and fury. "How can I still want you? Wyatt, I've never stopped wanting you! Not for a day. Not for a second. Even when I hated you, I wanted you so badly, it made me sick."
Her confession slams into me harder than any bull ever could. I reel, chest heaving. "I'm a mess, Willow. I'm an addict. I almost threw everything away again tonight. You deserve someone better. Someone who isn't always one bad night away from blowing it."
She shoves my shoulder, surprising me with her strength. "Better? You think I want better? I don't want some perfect man who's never struggled a day in his life. I want you. I want the man who told me the truth tonight, who's trying to be better."
I blink hard, fighting the sting in my eyes. "You don't know what you're saying."
She throws her hands up in the air. "Don't you dare tell me what I feel, Wyatt Houston. Don't you ever decide for me again. You've done that too many times already."
It's another punch straight to the ribs. I argue, "I'm not deciding anything for you. But I don't want to bring you down with me."
She scoffs, eyes blazing. "Bring me down? You think you're so powerful that you could ruin me? I've already survived you once, Wyatt. And I'm still standing. I know what I want."
My heart thunders. "What do you want?" I ask, scared of the answer but desperate to hear it.
She leans closer, eyes locked on mine. "I want you. All of you. Even the broken parts. Especially the broken parts. Because I'm broken too, Wyatt. Neither of us is perfect. But when we're together, we make each other stronger."
I want to believe her. God, I want to. But the shame claws at me. "You don't understand—"
She grabs my face, palms warm against my cheeks. "No. You don't understand. Tonight, you chose not to place that bet. You chose me. You chose us. You chose yourself. And that's all I need to know."
Her words slice right through my fear. My voice comes out raw. "For the first time in my life, I realized I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't know why I didn't see it before."
Her gaze softens, filling with so much love that it shatters me. "That's good, Wyatt. I'm proud of you. I know it had to be hard for you to walk into that meeting. And I love you more for it."
A sob catches in my throat. I bury my hands in her hair, pulling her face to mine. "How can you still love me?"
She lets out a shaky breath. "Because I never stopped. And because you're worth it. You always have been." She kisses me, gently at first, then fiercely. Like every emotion we've bottled up for seven years pours out through our lips.
When we break apart, we're both panting. I rest my forehead against hers, and whisper, "I'm so sorry."
She shakes her head, tears shining in her eyes. "I don't want your apologies, Wyatt. I want your promise."
I pull back just enough to look her in the eyes. "What promise?"
She grips my shirt so tight, her knuckles turn white. "That you'll fight for yourself. That you'll fight for us."
I swallow hard, heart hammering. "I swear to you, Willow. I'm done gambling. I'm done running. I'll do whatever it takes to be the man you deserve and the one I want to be."
She lets out a choked laugh, tears slipping down her cheeks. "Good. Because I'm all-in, Wyatt. I won't let you push me away this time. And I won't push you away. My mom made me realize today that I can't be half in."
"She did?"
"Yes. Right before she told me she'll kick your booty off the ranch if you hurt me again."
I crack a smile. "That's fair, but I'll make sure that doesn't happen." I hold her against me, breathing in the scent of her shampoo and warm skin.
She clings to me, and nothing feels better, but doubt claws at me. I reveal my fear. "What if I screw up again?"
She pulls back just enough to cup my face. "Then we'll deal with it. Together. One day at a time."
Emotion bubbles up inside me. "I don't deserve you."
She kisses me hard, shutting me up. When she breaks the kiss, she shakes her head. "Stop saying that. I get to decide what I deserve. And I deserve you."
I bury my face in her neck, breathing her in. "I love you, Willow."
She wraps her arms tighter around me. "I love you too. I always have."
For a long time, we hold each other. The world outside could fall apart, and I wouldn't care. She's here. She's mine. And I'm hers.
Eventually, she pulls back, eyes searching mine. "We need a plan."
I blink. "A plan?"
She nods, fierce and determined. "If you feel like you want to gamble, tell me. I won't judge you. Just no more secrets."
My throat tightens. "Okay. I'm going to keep going to meetings."
"Did it help?" she asks.
I shrug. "I don't know. But I think it helps to talk to others who have the same urges I do. It was kind of a relief, to be honest. To know I'm not the only one. Is that messed-up?"
She shakes her head. "No. Not at all. But we're in this together, Wyatt. You're not alone anymore."
A sob catches in my throat. She holds me tighter, grounding me. For the first time in years, the crushing loneliness lifts. Hope sparks in the darkness.
I pull her onto my lap, wrapping my arms around her. She curls into me, and I admit, "I missed you so damn much."
She shivers. "I missed you too."
We stay like that for a long time, tangled together, listening to each other breathe. My hands drift over her back.
Her fingers thread through my hair, teasing my scalp like she used to when we were teenagers sneaking around the ranch. She pulls back, her eyes still wet but determined. "Promise me one more thing."
"Anything," I vow.
She softly says, "Don't shut me out. No matter how ugly it gets."
I nod. "I promise."
She kisses me again, slow and deep. The taste of her floods every broken piece of me with light.
When we part, she cups my face. "You're not alone. You never were."
I squeeze her so tight, I'm afraid I'll hurt her. "And I'm never letting you go again."
She lets out a soft laugh, and a tear falls. "Good. Because I'm not letting you go either."
I kiss her, pouring everything I can't say into it, knowing that the time for me to step into who I am as a man is here.
There's no going back. I know what I want, and it's a life with Willow. But not just any life.
A life we both deserve.