Chapter 26
A week before Christmas
My bags are packed, and I can’t express how excited I am to be heading back to Colorado.
Alysa is coming home too; she says she’s making it her mission to get out at least once a year.
Since we’re all congregating at the cabin for Christmas, this feels like the right time.
My stepmom mentioned that Keoni will be there as well.
I haven’t seen him in two years, and if I’m honest with myself, I’m nervous with anticipation.
Yes, we’ll probably have to talk about what happened, but we’ve had time apart. Time to build our own lives. And even if it’s sick to admit, I’ve thought about him now and then.
I’ve got Michael now. Keo has probably found a nice girl to settle down with. I can’t imagine someone like him staying single.
Checking my phone, I see a text: Alysa just landed in Denver.
The excitement inside my chest spikes. Even more than it had seconds before.
My flight leaves in a few hours. I like to get to the airport at least an hour early, maybe more sometimes, but I want to spend as much time with Mike as I can.
Speaking of… the front door opens to his apartment, and I slip through the bedroom door toward him. He smiles at me, and goddamn, he’s handsome. We’ve been dating six months now—met in college, and moved in together a few weeks ago.
It’s all moved so fast, but I have no complaints. I’m genuinely happy with him.
“Hey, you,” he says, dropping his bag and wrapping me in a hug. “Holy shit, what a day.”
“How’s training going?” He’s in the police academy now after graduating with his associate degree. I love that he’s following in his father’s footsteps, just like I want to.
“Long.” He pulls me close again, pressing his lips to mine in a devastating kiss.
After he leans back, I tilt my head to keep our gazes locked.
“I’m going to miss you.”
His eyebrow quirks. “You’re going to miss me?”
His question is half-playful, half-serious.
“Yeah. For Christmas. I’ll be gone for two weeks, remember?”
He steps out of our embrace, and I frown at the look on his face. “What?” he asks.
I literally told him about this weeks ago, how excited I was. Shit, I bought the tickets before we even started dating.
“I’m… going to Colorado. I told you about it.”
Seeing the disappointment on his face makes my stomach twist.
“Ayden, I thought you canceled your plans. Shouldn’t we spend our first Christmas together?”
The thought did cross my mind, but we’ll have so many more. “No, I didn’t. I’m really—”
“I already told my parents you’d be at dinner with us.” There’s a hint of agitation in his tone as he turns toward the bathroom. “But, alright, if that’s what you want.” The way he says it, I feel like it doesn’t match how he truly feels.
“Mike… I haven’t seen my family in two years.”
“Yeah, but you can go anytime. It’s just a few states over.” He opens the bathroom door. “Whatever. It’s fine. I get it. They’re definitely more important.”
My stomach twists, and despite having eaten not long ago, it feels like it’s ready to cave in. I glance down at my phone, then up at the closing door.
It’s fine.
I can go next year. He’s right—this is our first Christmas together.
I pull out my phone, shooting a quick text to my dad and Alysa that something came up, and that I’ll see them next year.
“Mike, wait. I’ll stay.”
Age 21
Two weeks before Christmas
“Why, Michael?” I slam the trunk of my car shut, bags stacked inside, as he suddenly appears at my side.
“Why do you always insist on going during the holidays? Why can’t you go any other time?” His agitation is clear.
I don’t understand why he is acting this way.
It isn’t like I’ve not told him about me leaving weeks ago.
For months, in fact. Plus, it isn’t just around the holidays…
I planned a surprise trip to see Alysa in the summer, but conveniently, Michael booked us a trip to Los Angeles for the exact same week.
“I’ve told you; it’s the only time I can see my sister. She lives in the UK.”
He rolls his eyes. “You always use her as an excuse.”
“It’s not an excuse!” I raise my voice. The flash of rage on his face makes me instinctively step back. “Mike, why don’t you just come with me?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know if I’m ready to meet your sister. The way she sounds when you’re on the phone with her and I’m around gives me the impression she hates me.”
“You don’t know that.” I know for a fact she can’t stand him, but I hope once she meets him, things will change. He really is nice… when he isn’t controlling, or tired, or…
“Next year. I promise.”
I groan. “I don’t want to wait another year to see my sister…” And Keoni. I saw my dad in February when he came with Leilani for a vacation. It was nice showing them around San Francisco. They met Mike, and I could sense they weren’t his biggest fans.
It was a rough time—he was still in the first couple months of being a beat cop, stationed in Oakland. He was exhausted all the time, and it showed in his attitude.
Not that I should be giving him excuses.
“Mike, please, I want—”
He cuts me off with a kiss, my back hitting the car as he sandwiches me against it. “M—” I can’t get any argument out before he presses himself harder. We’re together, he’s my boyfriend, so it’s fine—but this isn’t about affection. It’s about control.
His hand curls around the back of my neck, holding me in place as he grinds against me. “You’ve got me, Ayden,” he breathes against my lips. Before I can respond, he dives back in.
I want to go see my family.
I don’t… want this.
Fuck, why does it feel like I’m trapped?
Age 24
The week of Christmas
“You aren’t going.”
Every year…
It’s the same fucking thing.
I honestly dread the Christmas season, because no matter what I want, I’m always stuck here in San Francisco—either in this apartment or with his family.
“Why?” I feel a flicker of fight, but the past two weeks have been nothing but arguments. I’m drained and just want to crawl back into bed. At this point, I don’t care about going home anymore.
I don’t care about anything.
“You’ll tell them about what happened. Even if I’ve apologized for months, you’re still holding it over our relationship.”
The urge to snap back that it’s hard to get over him cheating for the second time bites at my tongue. But I don’t. I keep quiet, afraid this will escalate into a physical fight like so many times before.
I meet his gaze as he stops pacing in front of the door—the one that would be the fresh air I need and the escape I crave.
“Then just come with me—”
“They HATE me, Ayden!” His scream makes me flinch. “How fucking hard is it to get through your thick skull? They wouldn’t welcome me there.”
My dad and stepmom don’t know why I’ve not come home for the past four years, but Alysa does. At least, that Michael always makes plans for us and guilt trips me into staying.
Not about the abuse.
Not about how fucking terrified I am.
She knew Michael had something to do with it, and was furious… It wasn’t that part of the conversation that tore my heart in two. It was hearing Keo’s name and knowing he still thought about me.
“Even Keoni? He asks every year where you are.”
“Even him… I’ll figure it out, I promise, lefty. Just don’t tell them, please.”
She sighed for so long and told me there are people out there who can help me get out.
She doesn’t understand the lengths Michael has already gone to control me.
I just hope that one day he’ll realize I’m not worth all this trouble.
That he’ll get tired of me and move on to someone who can match his strange energy.
“Every year. Every fucking year!” he shouts.
Yes… every year… I’m such an idiot.
Age 25
Christmas
Beep. Beep.
I didn’t tell my family about the car accident.
They shouldn’t be surprised I didn’t come. It’s why when I texted Alysa I wouldn’t be there, all she said was ‘okay’.
Okay…
Beep. Beep.
Tears blanket down my temples as I stare up at the ceiling. I’m never getting out of this. I’m stuck, now more than ever.
I should just come to the realization that I’ll never spend another holiday with anyone but Michael. No, not even just the holidays.
I’d tried to book a trip to Arizona early this year, where Alysa told me Keoni was. He would understand and protect me.
No, he wouldn’t. He’d see you as a weak excuse for a man.
It didn’t matter. Michael demanded to tag along, and even if I wanted to dare bring him with me, the thought of bringing that drama to Keo’s doorstep had me canceling.
He then thought I was cheating because why wouldn’t I still want to go… I wish I had the guts to do it. To cheat on him. Maybe the person I fucked around with would save me from him.
My life is not my own, and it feels more so that way now than it has ever before.
Beep. Beep.
Merry fucking Christmas to me.
Present
I think I’d have preferred the look of judgment over what Keoni’s giving me now. It’s the face of defeat. I haven’t seen it much—he rarely loses at anything—but when it spreads across his handsome features, it’s unmistakable.
I don’t know how many relationships Keoni has had, but he has a way of reading my discomfort.
For the past several weeks, all I wanted was for him to just say fuck it and kiss me. These past few hours, however? I haven’t wanted it at all.
As I recounted the last six years with Michael, I think Keoni considered it. But every time I mentioned something traumatic or an argument with my ex and how he would use kissing and touching me as a lever to shut me down, Keoni simply paced the kitchen instead.
It’s maddening how I could swear he was the person I was meant to be with. Like he was my soulmate and always had been, but fate had other plans, tying our parents together instead.
I’ve often wondered if they hadn’t got together, would either of us have made the move on the other?
I think so. The thought lingers at the forefront of my mind. Had our parents never fallen in love, and allowed us to, I’d likely have never met Michael.
While I try not to let my crazy ex’s words affect me, his comments about me being sick for pining over my stepbrother hit right in the heart. What would Alysa think? Our grandparents?
His friends? What would they think if they found out we are—were—stepbrothers?
This is a small town. People talk.
What about his job…
Life is so goddamn cruel.
We’ve been silent since I finished recounting the accident in as much detail as I could remember. How my recovery went. How I’d done it alone because Michael wanted to remind me I couldn’t do anything without him.
How I ended up telling Alysa, and she told Dad. He came to see me but couldn’t stay to take care of me. I imagine that during this year’s holidays, they would have told Keoni.
I wonder if he’d have come to see me.
Suppose it’s useless to ask—I’m here with him now.
“I wish you’d asked for my number from Alysa.”
Keo sits in the chair beside me, while I’m perched on the table. Both his elbows press against the wood, face buried in his hands.
“At one point, he was monitoring who I was texting. Even if I put you down as my stepbrother, he’d have questioned it… especially since I never mentioned you.”
He lifts his head but doesn’t speak at first. He just looks at me, absolute heartbreak in his amber eyes.
“You need to get a restraining order against him, Ayden.”
The moment I open my mouth, he cuts in, “I’ll help. We’ll report those cops who were watching you at the ice cream shop. I’ll work on getting security cameras around the property.”
For the first time, the urge to smile comes over me. I reach up and brush the hair from his temple, revealing the place where Michael had hit him.
“I don’t want to be a burden on you, Keo.” The sight of his tawny skin darkening to a bruise, tightens my chest. “He’s dangerous. He pointed a gun at you. If he had shot you…”
Just the thought makes me sick.
“He didn’t. And something tells me he’s too much of a coward to do it.”
I slowly move my hand across his ear, pushing his thick waves behind it.
“You think I can’t take care of myself? Or you for that matter?”
“That isn’t it,” I huff. “It’s just…” Meeting his impenetrable stare, I keep the ‘you just shouldn’t have to’ from coming out.
“You have no idea what I’d do—” His nose twitches, like he wants to say more but stops himself behind a tut. “You’re getting the restraining order, and I don’t want to come off as controlling, but it’s for your safety.”
“I know. I’m… I’m not arguing with that. I’ll get it. I just think I need to leave—”
“Are you out of your mind?” I appreciate that he doesn’t scream.
“I need to get a new phone, then I’ll move into the Boulder apartment. It’s safer for you.”
He stands, pushing the chair back and hovering over me. “What did I just tell you? I’m fully capable of taking care of myself—and you.”
“But you shouldn’t have to.”
“Let me ask you something, sunshine.”
Why is he calling me that? Even now. I’m the opposite of the sun. Of any light.
“Sure.”
“Do you think I wouldn’t just move into the Boulder apartment with you?”
My eyes widen. Honestly, I thought his question would’ve been something more along the lines of, “Do you think it’s safer there?” or “Do you think he wouldn’t find you anywhere?” Not him following me.
He asks it as though it’s an obvious answer. And he would be right, it is—but I don’t want it to be. Answering would betray me, because I want to keep him out of this mess I’m in.
But… I need him.
I need to be close to him in any capacity, even if it’s just platonically.
“You going to answer my question?” he urges gently.
“You would,” I admit honestly, instead of pretending I don’t know his feelings.
“You have some security here. With neighbors I’m sure that we could tell what’s going on, and if they see anything suspicious, they’d let us know. See if they have security—Ayden.” He sighs. “You aren’t leaving.”
That hollow pit in my chest begins to fill.
“I’m going to do different shifts every week.” I haven’t shed a single tear while telling him everything, but now—with him finding every way to make me feel safe—a burning sensation flares behind my eyes. “You’re here. With me. Let me do what I wasn’t allowed to do before… please.”
Rolling my lips together, I nod.
He steps between my legs and wraps his arms around my head, pulling me into a hug.
And then I just let go. I take breath after shaky breath, and cry.