Chapter 29
TWENTY-NINE
Dirt crunches under my shoes as I jog after Winston towards the beach, watching his golden coat flash in the late-day sun.
I haven’t had time to take him to the beach yet this week, and to say he’s excited is an understatement.
Off-leash runs along a dirt road surrounded by open fields that leads to a red sand beach and open water…
that beats any after-work run we’ve ever had in Toronto.
I can’t believe I ever traded this for condo towers and traffic lights.
His fluffy tail vanishes into the tall dune grass where the narrow path leads to the beach, and I chuckle as I duck in after him. I just know he’s going to be in the water before I even reach the sand.
And sure enough, as I step onto the beach, Winton’s head bobs in the water as he paddles in large circles with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen him wear.
So, this move was definitely a good one for him.
I throw the ball I brought for him into the water, even though he apparently doesn’t even need it, then draw in a slow breath, filling my lungs with the warm, salty air.
My eyes close as I let the sun warm my skin and listen to the seagulls calling as they circle over the water.
I open my eyes to watch them in the bright blue sky as they move towards the point, then shift my gaze over the water where the last of the days bright sun rays scatter light over the gentle waves.
Fuck, I missed this. Why did I ever leave?
My gaze drifts down the beach as I take it all in, landing on the lighthouse near the point.
Memories of growing up here flood my mind; of running on this beach with Silas, and escaping to the lighthouse when we wanted somewhere that felt like ours alone.
Heaviness settles in my chest as I take in the weather-worn white and red boards, standing tall against the blue sky.
We spent so much time there. And I haven’t been back since the summer between my second and third year of university.
I wonder if Silas has…
I force my attention back to Winston as he paddles towards shore, emerging just far enough to whip water from his coat in a violent spray before he barrels back into the waves.
But I can’t stop thinking about Silas.
Last night at the pub was good, and I think it went well.
It felt like something shifted between us, and some of the air has finally cleared.
Getting everything out in the open and hearing how he's really feeling was needed, and I think we turned a corner.
I know he's not all the way there yet, and I know it'll take time.
But I'm just glad he came and that we could talk.
And I could look into his eyes up close again.
A rustling sound behind me pulls me from my thoughts, and I turn.
Silas steps out from the path onto the sand, and when his eyes land on me, he goes still.
“Hey,” he says, and tingles spread through every inch of my body.
“Hey,” I say back, hoping it doesn’t sound as hopeful and breathless as it feels.
Winston comes running from the water, shaking himself mid-stride as he makes a beeline straight for Silas with his ball in his mouth and his tail wagging so hard his whole body moves with it.
Silas bends down to greet him, completely unbothered by the wet, salty mess of his fur, and I just watch, frozen with anticipation as I try to make sense of what it means that he's here.
He gives Winston one more pat before glancing up at me, and I’m surprised by the look in his eyes. The fear and uncertainty he’s been carrying seem to have quieted and have been replaced by something new. But I can’t quite read it.
“I saw you coming down here,” he says, standing up straight again.
My heart thumps hard. “Yeah?”
Silas nods, then lowers his gaze to Winston, who has dropped his ball directly at his feet.
He bends down to pick it up and launches it into the water, and I take the opportunity to let my eyes fall to where his hoodie rides up just above his belt, showing a sliver of skin.
A surge of electricity moves through me at the sight, and I ride that feeling as I let my gaze travel up his arm as he follows through with the throw, then pull my eyes back to his as he turns to face me again.
And when he takes a step closer to me, I can’t help but pull a deep breath in.
The late sun highlights the soft freckles across his nose and the flecks of gold in his hazel eyes, and I have to physically resist the pull to close the distance between us and get close enough to see every detail, every shift of light, and every flicker of emotion moving through him.
Silas holds my gaze, like he’s studying me the same way I'm studying him.
If he only knew the thoughts going on in my head…
“I’ve been scared,” he says.
I nod, releasing my breath as a feeling of relief flows through me.
I already knew he was, but… he’s talking to me about it.
He came here, he followed me, and he’s initiating whatever this is.
It feels like we’re teetering on the edge of something massive right now, and all I can do is stay perfectly still and wait to see which way we fall.
Silas turns his head to look out at the water, and my eyes move over his face, taking in everything I can about him. A heaviness settles over him as he stares past Winston to the horizon, and I desperately want to reach out and hug him.
“I learned some things last night,” Silas says quietly, still not looking at me.
And almost immediately, he disappears.
The look I’ve seen in him so many times when things get too hard in his mind and he needs to escape the pain. His eyes go distant, his body stills, and it’s like he’s somewhere else entirely. Somewhere inside himself.
Without thinking, I step forward and rest my hand on his back. The feeling of him under my touch feels like home as I gently press my hand against him and give him the comforting touch I know he needs in these moments to work through whatever his mind is trying to protect him from.
He blinks a couple times and releases a breath, then brings his gaze back to meet mine.
“About why I am the way I am,” he says eventually.
My brow creases slightly as I look at him, unsure what he means by that. But I don’t ask. I just keep my hand on his back and wait.
“I said you became unsafe,” he says, dropping his gaze from mine. “But… that’s not really true.”
Something builds inside me as we tip closer to the edge we’re standing on, but I hold myself together to let him continue.
“You just felt unsafe because I used to be left all the time and it made me scared,” he says, his brow furrowing as he shifts his weight.
I have no idea what he means by that, and I have to bite my tongue to keep from asking him.
Because it looks like he’s processing this all out loud and working through something tough.
He used to do this all the time with me, just like this…
and I know exactly what he needs. He needs me to just be here, keep him present, and let him get there on his own.
“Dad told me about my adoption,” Silas says, lifting his eyes to meet mine again, and I swear my heart stops.
“Oh,” I breathe, my eyes flicking between his as I try to get a read on him. “Are you… ok?”
He shrugs one shoulder, shifting his eyes out to the water again as Winston splashes around with his ball. “No, but… it’s helped me realize why I’ve been so scared of you. And so angry.”
I nod as a million thoughts and feelings seem to move through me at once. But none of them matter. If he wants to tell me he can, and if he doesn’t, he doesn’t have to. The fact that he’s here and told me this much is more than enough.
Just as I’m about to open my mouth and tell him he doesn’t have to tell me anything, he turns back to me.
“Before Dad got me, I was left alone a lot,” he says, the words rushing out of him like he can’t let them sit on his tongue too long. “And I guess… I learned that people leave and nothing is safe.”
My stomach tightens as my breaths come a little quicker, but I just stay quiet and listen as he continues.
“And then Mom left, and… I couldn’t get close to her because I needed to protect myself, and when she left…”
I watch as his thoughts seem to come quicker than he can voice them, and he sighs heavily as he drops his eyes and rubs a hand over his forehead like he’s trying to slow everything down.
“She left and I thought that meant that I’m not worth staying for because I never was. And when you left, I…” He shakes his head.
But I know. He doesn’t need to finish that thought.
When I left, it reopened those wounds.
“They left me in the dark,” he says quietly. “But you never did. It was never dark with you.” He pauses, and his watery eyes meet mine again. “I made you unsafe in my head because I’m scared that if I get too close, you’ll leave again. And I’ll be back in the dark, all alone.”
I bite the inside of my cheek as I try not to let my own tears spill over while my heart fucking breaks for him.
“Silas…” I shake my head slowly as I look into his eyes. “There’s no way I’d ever go through losing you again. You’re worth everything. And if you’ll let me, I'll always be the one who turns the light on. I'm not going anywhere.”
Before I know it, Silas steps forward and wraps his arms around me.
I immediately pull him close, holding him tight against me as I hug him back and breathe him in, barely able to believe he’s finally back in my arms. We’ve shared this hug so many times in our lives, and each time I’ve locked it away as a memory I’ll never forget.
But this one… this is something else entirely.
The familiar presence of him is so comforting and overwhelming that I can’t help it when a swell of emotion almost has a sob breaking free from my chest. The distance and hurt that spent so much time growing between us are now closing as we find our way back to what we used to be.
I hold him tighter as I feel his strength and how much he’s grown.
And not just in his body, but in everything.
Physically, mentally, and emotionally. He’s the same and different all at once.
But the love I have for him has never changed.
And holding him here in this familiar spot on our beach, with the lighthouse just down the shore and the waves gently lapping against the sand, I feel it.
I feel like I’m truly home.
And I never want to leave again.
Eventually, we pull apart, and when his eyes meet mine, a tear tracks down his cheek. He reaches up to brush it away and gives me a small, soft smile.
And this time, with this smile, I can tell the walls he’s been hiding behind have been brought down.
I’m in complete awe of this man in front of me. The boy I grew up loving so fiercely only became stronger despite everything life threw at him. He's a fighter in every sense of the word, and I never want to step away from him again.
And fuck, he’s beautiful to look at.
Suddenly, we’re sprayed by cold, sandy, salt water as Winston shakes himself out right beside us.
“Argh!” I throw my arms up over my face, ready to give Winston an earful for that.
But I don’t. Because Silas’s laugh fills the air, and I simply drop my arms and let the water hit me as I watch Silas’s face light up with a smile.
Winston drops his ball at Silas’s feet and springs back into a play bow with his tail wagging furiously, as his eyes flick between Silas and the ball with barely contained urgency.
Silas reaches down, picks it up, and throws it back into the water. Winston tears off after it, kicking sand my way as he goes.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” I yell after him, throwing my arm up again to block my face.
But Silas chuckles again, which has a smile spreading over my face.
And as we stand here watching Winston, with Silas throwing the ball each time he comes barrelling back out of the water, things start to feel like they're supposed to again.
My eyes drift down the beach to the lighthouse, and I let them rest there for a moment.
I remember how big it felt when we were kids.
Like we were climbing into the sky, where no one would ever be able to find us.
My lips twitch with a smile as I think of all the time we spent in there, and I watch the clouds drift over it while it continues to stand strong and steady against its ever-changing surroundings.
Like a symbol of everything we’ve been through.
As I turn back to the water, I catch Silas glance between me and the lighthouse.
I nod towards it. “Spend much time there anymore?” I ask.
His eyes flick to it briefly, then back to Winston in the water, and he shakes his head. “Not since we were there last.”
All I can do is stare at him. He hasn’t been to the pub, the lighthouse… He kept all our places exactly where and how we left them.
My gaze slides past him, up the stretch of beach on the other side, where we used to walk to meet our friends, tie our boats, and dig for clams. This place is full of memories we shared together, and I can't think of a single moment I spent here that doesn't have Silas somewhere in it.
It was where nothing else mattered, and we could let everything go.
And the lighthouse was where we climbed above all of it. Where we pulled each other out of the dark and turned on the light.
A smile tugs at my lips as I tap his arm, and I tilt my head towards it as his eyes meet mine.
“Race ya.”