Chapter 33 #2
I want to touch him, breathe him in, pull him closer, and feel him against me.
It’s a deep and urgent need that makes no sense and perfect sense at the same time.
It feels right, and it feels wrong. One moment I think I understand it, and the next I don’t.
I want him in a way I’ve never wanted anyone, let alone a guy. Let alone my best friend.
It’s so fucking confusing. But being here with him right now, I also just don’t even seem to care.
Which confuses me even more.
I draw in a slow breath and force my attention back to the pages in my hands. “How much did you get through?”
Silas lets out a short huff.
I glance at him. “What?”
“I don’t understand a single fucking thing in there,” he says, gesturing vaguely to the report.
“Bullshit,” I say, staring right at him. “Everything you just said about the field is in here. You already know it.”
He rolls his eyes with a sigh and lifts his beer for a drink.
I watch his throat bob, and my stomach flips.
That, paired with his sass… Jesus Christ.
I once again force my attention away from him, flipping to the field variability analysis. “Let’s start here,” I say, angling the page towards him. “This breaks down how the soil behaves across the field, so we’ll see what’s happening at the drainage and compaction levels.”
I turn another page to find the chart I’m looking for, but pause when a creased and folded piece of paper falls out of the stack and into my lap, like it was slipped in there by accident and forgotten about. But when I see the lines of a drawing under the folded edge, I pick it up and unfold it.
Silas’s hand immediately shoots out to grab it, but I tighten my grip and keep hold of the paper, my fingers landing over his as I hold it steady and stop him from pulling it away.
I stare down at the drawing on the creased page, and emotion wells in my chest.
It’s Redwave.
My eyes slowly move over the lines and colours, and I take in the details of him. This is nothing like the Redwave Silas used to draw for our comics. They were amazing. But this… this is real.
Redwave stands with his shoulders drooped as if the weight of the world presses down on him, and he has a look of pure hurt on his face.
His cape hangs in torn strips behind him, and his usual bright and vivid colours are now dull and muted.
But the part that hits me hardest is the dark, hollow mark on his chest, right where his heart should be.
It looks like it was carved out of him, and it’s now just an empty cavity that exposes nothing but shadow.
The entire drawing is laced with so much pain that it feels like my own heart is being ripped out.
The last comic we created flashes in my mind, and the hurt and pain only grow. Redwave was stripped of his strength by the villain and was feeling loss in every way he possibly could.
I told Silas that he gets up. That he chooses to get up. That the villain took his power, but he didn’t take his heart.
I lift my gaze to Silas, but he keeps his lowered.
“Silas,” I say gently, but his jaw just tightens, and he still doesn’t look at me.
I release my hold on the drawing and reach for him instead, sliding my fingers beneath his chin to tilt it towards me.
His eyes follow, and when they meet mine, my breath hitches at the pain in them.
I’m so close to him I can almost feel his breath on my lips, and my heart thumps at the feeling of him under my fingers.
As my eyes search his, I swear I see some kind of plea in them. Like he’s asking me for something and begging me to take his pain away.
Something seems to pull me even closer to him, wanting more from him than I’ve ever felt before. And I swear I feel it in him, too. I feel him asking me to come closer, and to prove to him that the pain can go away. The pain and hurt we both carried for so long can disappear, and we can fight it.
Because he carried it in something we created together. He still held on to a part of us despite the pain it caused him.
“I couldn’t let him go,” Silas says quietly.
My heart beats so fast and loud, I swear he can hear it.
“Or you,” he adds.
That pull towards him grows so strong, I’m overwhelmed by an intense need to close any distance, and knock down any barrier that ever stood between us. I need every part of him, and I need him to know he has me too.
Because I never let go of him either. And I never will.
Suddenly, I give in to the pull, and the next thing I know… my lips are on his.
I barely have time to catch up to my own thoughts as my body moves on its own, my hand sliding from beneath his chin to the side of his face, and the contact of his lips against mine sends a surge through me so powerful, it’s like something inside my chest has finally opened.
My mind is completely quiet as I just let this feeling take over, and the rest of the world fades into the background as my only focus is the feeling of my lips and tongue moving against his.
But as I lean further into it, and his tongue slides against mine, realization begins to settle.
I’m kissing Silas.
And he’s kissing me.
Just as that awareness grows, a hand lands heavy on my chest and pushes me back.
Fuck.
Oh my god.
Silas stares at me with wide eyes, and I stare right back at him.
What the fuck just happened?
Oh my god.
Did I really just fucking do that?
“Uh…” I start, lifting a hand to run my fingers through my hair as Silas pushes to his feet.
“What the fuck?” Silas asks, staring down at me with panic written all over his face as he takes a step back from me, and Winston looks between us in confusion.
I push to my feet as well, shaking my head as my heart riots and my mind struggles to produce a single coherent thought. “I don’t know. I don’t…. I don’t know.” The words feel useless the second they leave my mouth, yet they are the only ones I have.
We stand on the porch in stunned silence, staring at each other in complete shock.
I kissed him.
And he kissed me back.
My gaze drops to the report and the drawing of Redwave, and pieces of this moment start coming together.
It was just a result of all the emotion. Of being close to him again, feeling like how it used to be, and moving past everything that held us back.
But I’m only lying to myself if I stop there.
Because it’s also the fact that somewhere along the way I realized I’m attracted to him. And that I liked that kiss.
And I would do it again.
But I can’t say that right now. I barely understand what the hell is happening inside my own head, and the last thing I want to do is dump all of this confusion onto my best friend, who just let me back into his life and trusted me with something as raw as the pain sitting in that drawing and his traumatic history he just uncovered.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
Confusion flickers across his face, and I try to force my thoughts to sort themselves out enough for me to explain this all somehow.
“It’s just… a lot of emotion,” I continue, dragging my hand through my hair again. “And I…”
I stop. Because the truth sits in the way, and I can’t lie to him.
I’ve never lied to him. And I don’t want to lie to him.
So… Fuck it.
I just fucking kissed him. There’s no getting out of this clusterfuck of a shitshow now.
I throw my hands up in the air. “You know what? I’m fucking confused.”
Silas’s brow furrows as he stares back at me.
“I keep checking out your ass and your arms,” I say, gesturing vaguely towards him.
“And that’s really fucking confusing because I’ve never been attracted to a guy before.
Then there’s all this emotional shit from us reconnecting, which somehow makes it even worse because I get fucking butterflies when we touch, and I’m fucking losing it,” I say with a manic laugh as I lift my hands to my head.
“I don’t know, man. Being here with you again, with Redwave, helping you, and talking about old memories, I just… ” I shrug, no idea what else to say.
Silas just continues to stare back at me, his body stiff and his eyes still wide.
And I think that’s my answer. Even though I don’t know what question I’m hoping he’ll answer.
I’m so fucking confused.
So I nod and back up towards the stairs, awkwardly pointing with my thumb over my shoulder. “I’ll just, uh… I’ll go.”
I glance at Winston, who continues to sit between us, looking just as confused as we are, and I turn and head down the stairs. He’ll follow eventually.
I just need to get out of here and sort my fucking shit out.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck is happening?
Because kissing him should have felt wrong… but it felt so right.