Chapter 19
CHAPTER 19
Duncan
Knowing the press is on the other side of the hall only adds to the thrill of what I am about to do.
I’ve never considered myself an exhibitionist by any means, but public sex has always been something of a kink for me.
Though I can say, despite my limited experience with Issax, I’ve never sucked dick before, but I am not about to back down now.
Not when Felix is practically putty from just my licking him.
I’m half concerned he’s having a stroke, and will have to re-learn English all over again by the time I’m done with him.
Which, honestly, is pretty satisfying for my ego, given the fact that I’m no longer testing the waters.
I’m diving right fucking in.
A plethora of thoughts try to dissuade me, try to poison my resolve.
What if I hate it?
What if I suck at sucking dick and I can’t get him off?
God, that would be embarrassing on so many levels.
Just think about what you like, and try to emulate that.
I tell myself just because I’ve never done it, doesn’t mean I don’t know how.
I mean, it’s not rocket science, right?
I let out a breath as I grab him by the base, holding him still as I run my tongue over him slowly from base to tip, his taste exploding into my mouth. I shiver, entranced, as I watch his body shudder at the contact.
He reaches out, sliding his fingers into my hair, grabbing my locks with ferocity before easing up slightly.
I can’t deny that it’s hot as hell, and so is the way he thrusts his cock in my face, against my lips, the sounds of desperation ebbing from his chest.
“Open your fucking mouth,” he growls, and my own cock throbs with response.
Normally, Felix’s attitude would piss me off and I would put him in his place.
Reprimand him for being a spoiled little brat with an attitude problem, but this?
This is another level, and I can’t deny it’s fucking hot.
I don’t even think twice about obeying his command, like he’s somehow unlocked something within me that I wasn’t sure existed until this exact moment.
Without thinking I open wide, taking him into my mouth until I almost gag.
“Oh fuck,” Felix curses, falling forward. His free hand hits the wall behind me as he steadies himself. “Your mouth feels fucking amazing.” His breath shudders from his mouth as he rears his hips back, then thrusting into my mouth until he hits the back of my throat.
I do gag, but it isn’t an unpleasant feeling. Strangely, it’s arousing as fuck and I let out a groan of approval as I cup his covered balls with one hand, using my free hand to squeeze the sizeable tent in my pants.
Felix curses again as he snaps his hips back, building a rhythm as he fucks my mouth until drool starts to pool down my chin.
I roll my tongue around him, finding the secret steel beneath his base, flicking the barbell with my tongue and the sound that escapes his throat is like music to my ears.
“Show me your cock,” he hisses, thrusting into the back of my throat so I can’t speak.
I gaze up at his lustful expression, at the way he bites his lip, his lip piercing glinting in the light, and I get an idea.
I jiggle his piercing, eliciting another groan and he sucks in a breath, cursing once more.
“Show. Me. Your. Cock,” he grits through his teeth. He adds a please that is so desperate, I don’t have the will to keep fucking with him.
Though, I can’t say I dislike seeing Felix at my mercy one fucking bit.
I do as he asks once more, releasing his balls as I pop open my buttons, and unzip my own pants.
I fumble with the fabric of my boxers, because I’m already hot and moist enough that I’m sticking to the fabric, but the moment my cock springs free, Felix curses again.
“I want you to touch that beautiful cock of yours,” he hisses, adding an awkward “please” again which only makes my heart beat faster.
Felix is a demanding person, that much I know, but he is also exceptionally perceptive of those around him.
I slide my hand around my cock, which throbs with renewed arousal as he ceases his thrusts, my mouth still full of his cock.
“I’m going to fuck your mouth while I watch you stroke that pretty cock,” he bites, snapping his hips again until he makes me gag. “And then I’m going to watch you come with my cock down your throat.“
Tears pool in my eyes and I have never wanted to please a person like this in my life .
Because I’ve always been the one in control.
Of Issax, of Marci.
But I know as Felix slowly fucks my mouth, his blue eyes blazing with fire as he watches me, that I am not in control here.
I groan around his throbbing member, pulling back just enough that I can suck and nibble at his cockhead, pressing my tongue into his salty slit.
Felix grabs me by the hair as I stroke myself.
I’m already so wet from my own precum, my strokes come easy.
“That’s it, you’re doing so fucking good,” he growls as he thrusts himself back in my open, needy mouth. His words are dirty, in tone, and in sound, as his accent colors each word.
I don’t hate this at all.
Don’t get me wrong, I like getting head just as much as anyone, but giving it is a whole other experience.
“Fuck, I’m coming,” he cries as his thrusts turn erratic, and I cry out an incoherent mumble around his cock as I slide my hand over my exploding dick to avoid making a mess on my expensive clothes.
Seriously, I doubt these digs are machine washable.
Felix’s hand loosens its grip in my hair as his cock pulses, filling my mouth with warm, thick cum.
Before I can think twice about it, I swallow his release and he pulls back, spilling a few drips across my lips, beside my lip ring.
I look up at him as reality sets in, feeling like the air has left my lungs.
I absentmindedly lick Felix’s cum from my lips, watching as he tries to catch his breath.
My cock deflates as he looks at me for a moment, before tucking his cock back in his pants, heading for the bathroom without a word, his breaths heavy.
Leaving me alone, on the floor, with my aching knees and tight, tense thigh muscles, my own release dripping down my shaft.
Reality settles on me and I know without a doubt, I am not straight.
Not by a long shot.
I might have thought I was, because I lived a mostly straight lifestyle, but the truth is collecting in my hand, running down my slowly deflating cock.
I enjoyed making him come.
For me.
Felix walks back into the room, with a white towel, his bright blue eyes fixating on me where I sit. With a softness that defies everything Felix Hart is known for, he kneels beside me, his gaze holding me still as he gently takes my cum-covered hand, cleaning every finger with the towel, and I watch him, unable to speak, or breathe right.
The tenderness in which his long, lithe, tattooed fingers stroke my fingers feels uncharacteristically intimate.
There are no words, just the silent understanding, the delicate touch that shouldn’t even be possible for someone like Felix.
I should feel dirty.
I should feel ashamed, especially as Felix cleans me up.
But I only feel satisfied in a way that resonates deep within my soul, in a way I haven’t felt in a long, long time.
When he’s done, he pulls out his phone from his pocket, disposing of the towel in the guestroom hamper by the bed as I get up, my legs stiff, and I think I actually hear one of my knees crack, but I ignore it. I sound like a box of Rice Krispies most days when I’m not on my knees for mouthy rockstars.
“Press in ten. We should head out.”
I nod, feeling like a damn flightless bird, as I tuck myself back into my pants, zipping up once more, and head to the bathroom to wash my hands.
I run the water, letting the warmth soothe my skin, glancing at my reflection in the brightly lit mirror.
I’m still the same me I’ve always been, but somehow, I’m different.
How is it that nothing has changed, when everything has changed?
Felix stands in the doorway, staring at me like he knows everything is different, too.
“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice barely a whisper.
“Sorry for what?” I ask, confused, turning off the water.
Felix holds himself tightly, not looking at me directly. “I pushed you too hard, I should’ve...”
At that moment, I finally understand what is haunting Felix.
The man with an attitude, who fights and causes a scene.
The man who writes lyrics about wanting to be a shark, but being weak.
Felix does know who he is, but I would bet my house the people he’s loved have shamed him for it, as well as what he likes. What he wants.
God, I’ve been so fortunate to have been married to someone who let me be myself.
Familiar lyrics echo in my brain as I look at him.
My carnage is yours to take.
And take it, I will Felix. All of it.
I pat my semi-dry hands on my thighs as I approach him in the doorway, grabbing him by the hips once more, careful to keep my touch light. I get the feeling that as brash and feisty as Felix is, that it’s mostly just a mask. A wall to protect himself.
I want to be a shark, but I’m fucking weak.
“I’m okay,” I whisper, stroking the side of his hip gently. He shifts under my touch, but I don’t miss how his muscles loosen.
“Shit, Felix, I lived through the eighties and the nineties. It’s going to take a lot more than a rough blowjob to scare me away.”
The faintest hint of a smile forms on his face, and melts my heart. He doesn’t look at me, instead jiggling his lip ring.
“Promise?” he whispers, his accent prominent as his facade dissolves. The vulnerability in his voice breaks me.
I turn him by his neck, forcing him to look up at me. I kiss him softly, whispering against his lips, “Promise.”
Felix breaks away, nodding. He looks up at me with soft, glassy blue eyes that remind me of the ocean at midnight. “I think... I think we should just take things slow for now. Keep this to ourselves, of course.”
Something about his words, the fragility in the way they are spoken makes my heart break for Felix.
I know it should go without saying, but I can also appreciate him putting himself out there, defining some sort of boundary. Plus, it’s probably a good idea to take things slow, if only for my sake, but a part of me wants to argue with him that there’s nothing to be ashamed of, because I understand he’s likely been hiding this part of himself for a long time. Not just from the public, but maybe even from himself.
At the same time, though, part of me wants to shout the truth from the rooftops now that I’ve come to understand the truth about myself. This newly discovered puzzle piece that feels like it’s been missing and it’s finally home.
I’m bisexual.
The word is heavy, but it is also cathartic.
It’s taken me thirty years and a spoiled brat to realize it, but now that I know...
It’s startling to think I didn’t. That I’d been in such denial, I didn’t see it.
But all I can say is, “Okay,” and nod like an idiot.
Felix’s vulnerable expression is replaced by a devilish smirk as he channels the Felix everyone knows, tucking away the Felix only very few have seen, I’m sure.
Hiding away the Felix he really is.
“It’s showtime,” he says as he heads for the door, leaving me and my heart alone, ravaged once more.
After the interviews commence, the party begins.
I look at my watch, noting it’s nearing eleven thirty, and I’m not sure how much longer this engagement is supposed to go.
Felix doesn’t leave my side, and I notice he’s a bit skittish, but I’m not entirely sure it isn’t from what transpired between us earlier.
Then I catch his gaze as it falls on a waitress’s tray, on a glass of champagne.
“You want a drink.” I say the words solidly, not as a question, because if there is one thing I do know, it’s the signs of chemical dependency.
Because I’ve been through it, myself, not to mention with Issax.
“I don’t,” he denies, but there isn’t any weight to the words.
“You’ve been staring at the champagne glasses all evening,” I press, turning to raise an eyebrow.
“No, really I’m good.” His voice is a bit shaky, and I know he’s struggling.
“A week ago you were walking into rehearsal still drunk from the night before. What changed?” I eye Jinger and the other guys on tour as they all toast their glasses together, laughing and dancing.
Felix shrugs. “Some old man told me to get my shit together when I showed up drunk to work. Seemed like a good idea at the time.”
I smirk, shaking my head.
Little shit.
“You don’t have to stay, you know. I’m sure they won’t give a shit if you leave,” he says.
“What about you?” I ask, leaning over the veranda railing. The air is hot, humid for this time of night, but I can’t deny it feels nice.
“What about me?” Felix asks, rubbing his hands together. He takes his stance next to me, his arm brushing against mine.
It’s just our proximity, but it feels like more.
Like a private language only we know.
“Would you give a shit if I left?” I ask.
Felix glances at me from beneath my lashes. “Maybe.”
I shake my head, smirking at his petulance.
He is such a fucking brat.
“Well, it is a school night, so I probably should get home. My kid was just suspended, so staying out partying probably won’t get me father of the year.”
Felix nods, understanding befalling his face. “I’ll, uh... walk you to your car?” He says the words as if he doesn’t understand them, as if they are brand new.
And maybe to him, they are.
“Sure,” I reply, watching as a nearby photographer takes our picture.
Felix leads us off the property to the parking garage.
Because of course, these assholes have a full on hanger for all their pricey cars.
My truck sticks out like a sore thumb, but a part of me is proud of that.
In a sea of Bentleys and Porsches, my baby looks like damn Godzilla.
Felix stops in front of my car, sliding his hands in his pockets. “I, uh... guess I’m going to head home, too. Call it a night.”
I give him a soft smile. “Good choice.”
Felix’s lips twist with the ghost of a smile and he grunts, “Yeah, I guess.”
Before I can say my goodbyes, he nods. “See you at rehearsal, McKay.”
I know we’re in public and anyone can see us, as well as hear us if they are close enough, but damn if I don’t want to kiss him right now.
To give him the assurance he craves because it’s clear to me he never got it. From anyone.
But the last thing I want to do is draw more attention to Felix, in a negative way.
Despite his sexual antics, it’s clear that the truth isn’t well known. Not to mention, I have barely grasped my own freaking awakening, so I know kissing Felix right now is a terrible idea.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.
Instead, I pull him in for a hug. Hugs are normal, those can’t be dissected, right? Bandmates hug each other all the time.
Felix’s body stiffens, as if he’s surprised by the motion, but within seconds, his entire body relaxes as he brings up his arms, his hands slapping me on the shoulder like we’re nothing more than bros.
I feel his body tremble against mine and I squeeze him a little tighter before letting go, hoping it’s enough.
Because for now, it’s going to have to be.