Chapter Fourteen
When our clothes were reasonably dry and our bellies no longer entirely empty, we started out again. Though the terrain was more difficult, we kept near the stream. I liked having the water on one side, so I need only worry about protecting the other three.
I saw no further signs of Gaz or Nize, and I didn’t sense them.
They would wait and attack when they had the advantage.
Taio and the others knew to be on guard for them.
Still, I couldn’t help but feel like a traitor for not saying anything about my meeting with Gaz.
More than ever, I wished Finnrey were here.
She would understand the shame and mortification I felt—not just at how easily Gaz had used my affections but at the treachery of my mother. And my father?
I was finding it harder and harder to dismiss the evidence I’d seen since I’d returned from patrol and been ushered into the throne room and informed of the Claiming Rite.
I felt as though with each step I took, another hard truth landed on my shoulders—secrets, lies, inequalities.
Had all of that been for the protection of the people of Earsleh or for my father’s benefit?
Was the king keeping us safe or ensuring his place on the throne?
I wanted so desperately to believe in the honor of Earsleh and the goodness of the king.
I’d wanted to trust in all I’d been told.
But how could I deny the weight of all the evidence to the contrary?
How could I pretend Gaz’s warning about my father sending an army was a lie when I had so much proof to the contrary?
My logic wasn’t faulty. I didn’t ask too many questions.
I’d asked questions my father and the other courtiers didn’t want to answer.
I’d been made to twist my logic so it fit with the lies and inconsistencies of life in Highcastle.
But now the dust was clearing, and I was beginning to see things for how they truly were.
Nothing was what I’d believed, and the honor of the kingdom I would have defended to the death didn’t exist.
***
BY NIGHTFALL, WE WERE all cold and exhausted. The thunder and lightning had tapered off during the day, but now the sky was lit up with jagged streaks of light again. I had a bad feeling our luck would run out tomorrow, and we’d be walking in the rain.
We ate the last of the berries for dinner then Taio set watches. To my surprise, he gave me first watch, and he gave it to me alone. This was a sign he truly trusted me.
I never felt I deserved his trust less. I still hadn’t told him about seeing Gaz.
If I was home and on patrol, I would have been punished severely for keeping such a secret.
I put the entire group at risk by not telling them all the dangers we faced, by not telling them that Gaz had not and would not turn back and go home. He was more determined than ever.
The Zulenii had settled into their bedrolls, and everything was quiet except for that distant rumble of thunder every few minutes. At home, we always did watch in pairs. One person was too apt to fall asleep. Tonight there weren’t enough of us for paired watches. If Finnrey had been here...
I closed my eyes as pain seeped into me like rain through layers of clothing. I’d been able to put her out of my mind while we’d been moving. Now thoughts of her crept back, and I felt the damp and the cold of a world without her deep in my bones.
How was it possible the world still went on without her?
How could it be that the sun rose and set, the lightning flashed, and the birds sang while Finnrey’s body lay cold under pine boughs miles away?
A dozen times today I had turned and expected to see her.
I thought of something to tell her and realized with a pang that I would never tell her anything ever again.
I wiped tears from my cheeks, annoyed that I was crying again.
Finnrey would have teased me, saying everyone had been wrong about me being without emotions.
I only needed her to die to bring all my emotions to the forefront.
Kintle had the watch after me, and by the time I woke him, I’d dried my tears.
He said nothing when I lightly shook his shoulder, just rose, rubbed his face and began patrolling.
I wanted nothing more than to sink into oblivion, to sleep and not dream, not feel for just a few hours.
Taio had moved his bedroll near mine, and I climbed inside and shivered while I waited for my body heat to warm the fabric.
“You were crying,” Taio said.
I turned my head and saw he lay on his side, facing me. His eyes were open.
“Your shoulders shook and you wiped tears on your sleeve.”
“You are supposed to be sleeping,” I whispered.
“I cannot sleep without you beside me.”
I snorted quietly. He was certainly a charmer.
He lifted an arm in invitation, and I scooted closer.
He pulled me against him and covered us with his coat.
Instantly, I was snug in a cocoon of warmth and the fresh scent of pine that clung to him.
“Do you know what we believe about the dead?” he asked.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head, my gaze meeting his.
“We believe they are always with us, watching over us, protecting us, keeping us from harm. I think your sister is with you in spirit. She is keeping you safe and would not want you to mourn.”
“You didn’t know her very well,” I murmured. “I think she would appreciate some mourning.”
He nodded, though I had meant it as a bit of a joke. Perhaps if Taio was right, and Finnrey was close by, she would appreciate the humor.
“I wish I could ease your pain,” he said. “Watching another in pain is a helpless feeling.”
“You speak as though you know from experience.”
“My older brother watches over us. He was sickly from birth and grew up feeble. Though his body was weak, his spirit was strong. He suffered for years before he left this realm. My mother was devastated, and nothing Omira or I did could soothe her.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. I had seen plenty of mothers devastated by the loss of children, but it seemed strange to me that a child born sickly had been allowed to live.
In Earsleh any child who was not strong and healthy at birth was put in the sea.
We could not waste resources on anyone not able to defend the country.
“He is still remembered, but the pain has passed. In time, your pain will pass too.”
“I know, but right now—” My voice hitched as I tried to take a breath. “Right now, it hurts so very much.”
“What can I do?”
I shook my head and almost said nothing. Nothing more than he could have done for his mother. Instead, I said, “Hold me.”
His arms closed around me, and I was cradled against his solid chest. My ear pressed against his heart, the steady sound of it beating comforted me.
I wouldn’t cry. I’d cried enough, and tears would do nothing to bring Finnrey back.
So I blinked the tears away, and took a deep breath.
Immediately, my senses were aware of the scent of Taio.
I caught the aroma of pine that clung to him and all of us from being in the forest. Underneath that was a lighter scent of lemon.
The lemon must have been from the soap he’d used when he’d bathed in the pool.
And then there was the scent of him under the lemon.
That was his scent—Taio’s scent. I buried my face deeper in his chest to be closer to that scent, to attempt to decipher it.
Something masculine and slightly musky. He smelled of the exotic as well—at least exotic to me.
I caught the faint aroma of spices, but not any I recognized. Perhaps spices native to Zulen...
I untucked my hand and ran it across his ribs and to his back.
Slowly, I slid my hand up the muscled ridges I could feel under his shirt.
I waited for him to chide me or tell me to stop.
Instead, I heard the way his heart pounded faster.
I grew bolder, my hand exploring the hard planes of his upper back then skating over his shoulder and down his chest to where his heart thumped quite rapidly now.
I pulled back and looked up at him, my hand on his heart.
“You like it when I touch you,” I said, feeling his heart thudding under my hand. My own heart was thundering now too, my body too warm and beginning to tingle.
“I do,” he said, his voice little more than a rumble.
My hand slid lower to his abdomen, and he released a measured breath. My hand moved lower, and he inhaled, his breath hitching as my fingers grazed the waistband of his trousers. “You are very controlled,” I murmured.
He let out a small laugh. “If you knew the thoughts in my head right now, you would not think I had any control, mi guerrira.”
“Oh? What thoughts are those?” I let my hand dip lower, feeling his male member through the fabric of his trousers. He was hard and thick, and heat radiated even through the fabric.
“If I tell you, I’ll scare you away.”
“I doubt that.” I unfastened a button at the waist of his trousers, and his hand caught my wrist.
“I am supposed to be comforting you.”
“I’m quite comfortable,” I said. His brow furrowed at my play on words, reminding me he was still a novice at our language. I swallowed. “I just want to forget for a little while, Taio.”
He made a sound of understanding. “I told you in the arena that we have a saying in Zulen. Ladies first.”
“And I said that was quaint.”
“It is anything but quaint in bed.”
I stilled, my mouth going dry.
“We believe a woman’s pleasure comes first. If you will allow me, I can give you comfort of another sort.”