Chapter Twelve #2
As soon as I crack open the bedroom door, I can feel eyes turning toward me.
Maddi and Sky are sitting on the old, sagging couch, both of them looking worried and small, like the couch is threatening to swallow them up.
Taking one step out of the bedroom is enough to have Sky up and running for me, while Maddi holds her position, an inscrutable expression on her face.
Sky crashes into me, her little arms wrapped around my middle. It knocks the breath clean out of me, and behind her I can see Silas reaching out impotently with a tight expression on his face.
“Sky, careful—” he starts, but I don’t let him finish.
“It’s okay.”
So I maybe get a little dizzy when I reach down to pick her up like she’s a lot smaller than she is, but that’s what the wall behind me is for. I end up leaning against it as Sky clings to me, shoving her snuffling face into my neck, clearly trying to hold back tears.
“Jeez, what a reaction. I’m fine. It was just a fight that got a little out of hand. No biggie.”
My voice comes out just as hoarse as last night, though, and I can see Maddi’s expression as she clocks it.
She looks pissed.
“What happened?” she asks, her voice flat.
I look at Silas, still holding Sky up and leaning against the wall, not totally sure what I’m supposed to say.
I never lied to them about this stuff before, but something tells me the truth will not go down well.
“I ran into Kyle. He was being an asshole, and we got in a fight. It’s not a big deal.”
Maddi’s expression doesn’t change, but for some reason, Silas is the one that’s suddenly glowering at me from across the room.
“What did he do?” Maddi asks, but Silas sighs the second I open my mouth to answer.
“Nothing,” he says, making my gut twist. “Your father didn’t do anything. Cade lost his temper.”
“Jesus, Silas,” I say, my body getting tense with shock. “What the fuck? You were there, you saw what he did.”
Silas rolls his eyes, huffing at me in a way I feel like he’s been doing a lot lately.
“He was maybe a little snide. Maybe. Or maybe just drunk and not really realizing he was running his mouth. And you tried to fucking kill him. I think that qualifies as you losing your temper.”
“Are you taking his side?” I forget for a second that we’re not alone, as anger bubbles up inside me all over again. I also forget how sore my throat is as I desperately try to push sound out of it. “I should just let him shit all over us like the homophobic asshole that he is?”
“He didn’t even say anything homophobic!” Silas’s arms are spread wide as he stares at me, and I realize with a jolt that this might be the most agitated I’ve ever seen him get around me. It doesn’t feel right.
“Please don’t fight,” Sky wails, clinging tightly around my neck and pressing on all my bruises.
The sensation makes me lightheaded, but it also rolls back the mounting anger I was about to lean into. I bend over, trying to deposit her on the floor without looking like I’m about to pass out.
Her face is blotchy and tear-streaked, and Maddi has shifted from teenage surliness to wide-eyed apprehension, still sitting on the couch.
“We’re not fighting,” I say lamely.
Nobody speaks. Silas blows out a long breath before beckoning to Sky.
“Come on, let’s sit down,” he says. “You too, Cade.”
Begrudgingly, I move over to the couch and sit down next to Maddi. She doesn’t respond, but when I put my hand on her back I can feel her soften a little.
She’s so tough. She wants to be so tough. I hate it, but I’m not doing a good enough job of making her feel safe that she’s going to stop. Things like this probably don’t help, I realize way, way too late to do anything about it.
Sky follows me and climbs into my lap instead of sitting next to me, even though she’s getting too big to fit.
The pressure of her makes it even harder to breathe, but also eases some of the tension in me.
I look at Silas over her shoulder, trying to convey my gratitude to him through my eyes when it’s not something I could ever put into words.
He looks calm now, watching over us, but he doesn’t sit down. When he’s about to turn away I reach for his hand.
“Sit with us,” I say, but he doesn’t look at me.
“You should eat something, you’ve been sleeping all day.”
The sensation of his hand slipping out of mind echoes through me like an omen. My head throbs, my ribs ache with every breath, and the room seems like it’s closing in on me for no reason.
Silas disappears into the kitchen, and I feel an ache where he’s supposed to be. I tell myself I’m being dramatic, but it doesn’t quite stick.
“Why do you let him get to you like this?” Maddi finally asks in a quiet voice.
She pulls her legs up on the couch to rest her head on her knees, and it makes her look younger, even while her expression is the kind of weariness no child should have to feel.
“He’s never going to change. You’re the one that told us that. So what’s the point in fighting him?”
“Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself.”
It sounds true. It sounds like something that should be impossible to argue against, but Maddi just huffs.
“Sure. Standing up for yourself against a drunk drug addict who probably won’t even remember what you were fighting about tomorrow.
Totally meaningful. Definitely worth getting fucked up over.
I can’t wait until you hurt yourself so bad you can’t work anymore or ride your bike or do anything else, and all you’ll be able to do is lie around taking oxy and telling everyone about how you’re a real man because you ‘stand up for yourself’. ”
I’m not shocked that Maddi managed to see into a situation with that kind of insight, because she’s always been like that, even for her age. I am shocked that this is the situation she’s drawing the line at in terms of supporting me.
She thinks I’m an asshole, obviously. Silas hasn’t made it a secret how pissed he is at me. And Tristan and Micah both are just waiting to read me the riot act, I can feel it.
How the fuck is no one on my side?