Chapter Twenty-One
This is absolutely not what we agreed on. I get that he’s going through something, and if he was spending the night with Wish or something just to get away, I would understand. I’d hate it, but I’d understand. But I can’t just not know where he is or if anything has happened to him.
Bars legally have to close in half an hour, which means he’s most likely about to get kicked out of wherever he is.
In which case, he’s going to either drive home drunk, or be stranded somewhere with his car.
If someone responsible was with him and planned to give him a ride, they would have texted me.
I don’t like any of those options. I’ve done every breathing exercise and calming logical bullshit I can manage, but it’s a lot more difficult to ease my anxiety when the root of it is so very real, and the danger so very immediate.
The girls are asleep upstairs. I can’t leave them, but I also don’t want them to wake up and see he’sl not here, and not have any answers about it. They don’t deserve that.
Fuck it. I don’t deserve that.
After pacing a hole in the carpet, I decide to ask for help.
Silas
Are you awake? Please be awake or I’m going to have to call and wake you up.
Tristan
I’m awake. What’s wrong? Don’t call unless it’s an emergency, I don’t want to wake up the beast sleeping next to me.
Silas
I don’t know if it’s an emergency. It feels like it but I might be overreacting. Cade went out at like 9 p.m. and he still isn’t home.
I know he’s an adult but he seemed so upset and he’s not talking to me and he’s not answering and I don’t know where the fuck he is or if he’s safe.
Tristan
Woah, hold up. Slow down. Did you guys have a fight?
Silas
No? I don’t think so. I came home from work this afternoon and found him absolutely shit-faced. He never slept after his shift. We didn’t fight about it because I wanted to talk about it when he was sober, but he only slept for a few hours before getting up and saying he was going out.
He said everything was fine but he just needed a minute.
Fuck, he probably wasn’t even sober enough to drive then.
I never should have let him go.
Fuck fuck fuck.
I need to find him.
My spiral is interrupted by the phone buzzing in my hand. I swipe to answer, but I don’t know what to say, so no words come out of my mouth when I lift the phone to my ear.
“Okay,” Tristan says without prompting. “I’m here. We’ll sort it out. To start with, did he tell you where he was going? Even just vaguely?”
“No,” I answer.
Tristan isn’t whispering, and the rustling in the background tells me he’s already woken Ford up. I’ll feel bad about it later, but right now I’m too distracted.
“Do you wanna go look for him? I can come with you, we can check a few places he might be. I’m guessing you’ve called Wish and Gunnar and everyone already.”
“I, uh…” I trail off. “I haven’t. It’s late, I didn’t know if it was worth waking people up.
I was waiting and waiting and then it got too late and I started to freak out.
I want to go look for him, but I don’t want to leave his sisters here alone.
I know they’re old enough to be alone, but it seems unfair.
If they wake up they’ll be scared… They’ve had to take care of themselves so much, y’know? ”
“Do you want me to go out and look for him?” Tristan asks.
I get that his heart is in the right place, but the thought of continuing to sit here and not do anything makes my heart pound so hard I’m worried it might burst in my chest.
The words to explain that don’t come to my mouth, though, so instead we both sit in silence for longer than anyone should ever have to. Thankfully, Tristan seems to speak neurodivergent even though he doesn’t seem like he would, and he puts together what’s going unspoken.
“Okay, new plan. We’re on our way over. Ford can stay with the girls just in case they wake up, and you and I will go hunt down Cade and beat some sense into him if necessary.”
“Um—”
“I’m kidding about the beating, obviously,” he interrupts me. “Mostly.”
“I didn’t mean to like, put you guys out though. I’m sorry.”
“Silas, you called me in the middle of the night because you were scared and needed help. Do you need help?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then you have to let us help you. We’ll be there in a few minutes, try not to freak out in the meantime. Drink a glass of water and text anyone who might be with Cade to see if they’re still awake. Got it?”
I let out a big breath, because just having a series of tasks given to me along with a semblance of a plan has really chipped away at all of that mounting anxiety.
“Okay. Thank you. Really, thank you.”
Tristan hangs up without saying anything else, and after I take a few deep breaths, I get to work on doing what he suggested.
Wish doesn’t answer. I’m assuming she’s asleep, and when I think about it, I realize she might not even be back in town from her trip yet.
Gunnar does answer, which makes sense. After a few minutes of tense silence, he tells me that Cade was at the Feral Possum tonight, but left hours ago and seemed mostly sober.
Or at least sober enough that no one felt the need to investigate.
I text his mom, I text anyone from high school whose number I still have, which isn’t a lot of people. I even text Micah, whose number I am surprised I have, but who says he hasn’t seen him in the ER tonight but will keep an eye out. Which was a long shot, but still eases my worry a little.
I’ve barely gotten through the list by the time I hear the rumble of a car engine in the driveway.
I throw open the door so they don’t wake the girls by knocking, and watch them both lumber up the driveway and into the house.
The night air is colder than it’s been all year, and I start shivering right away.
Tristan looks as bright-eyed as usual, dressed in his day clothes. Ford looks half-asleep and is wearing sweats and a hoody with his feet shoved into unlaced boots.
For a second, adrenaline dumps into my veins wholesale when a series of anxious thoughts hit me.
I’m selfish for pulling them over here.
Everyone’s going to be pissed when this turns out to be nothing.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to express how grateful I am for their help.
I’m going to shut down because I’m uncomfortable, and that’ll make them even less aware of how grateful I am.
Nothing I say will be effusive enough for them to understand, and it’s going to be weird no matter what.
None of these thoughts help me, so I kind of freeze up as they walk inside and don’t really say anything at all.
The guys don’t seem to mind, though. Ford nods at me in passing, while Tristan claps me on the shoulder.
As soon as they’re inside, I close the door and start to mumble something, but Tristan cuts me off again, thank fuck.
“No time for thank yous. You can be eternally in our debt later. Did anybody you texted answer?”
I give him the rundown of the little I know, and he nods solemnly the whole time.
“A’right,” he starts, before being interrupted by Ford yawning ostentatiously, making him smile.
“This big fucking teddy bear is going to sleep on your couch so the children have someone around if they wake up. Hopefully they won’t, but fortunately for all of us, Cade’s sisters are about the only people in town who are not just not afraid of him, but actually think he’s fun to be around.
Which shows they have the same poor judgment as their brother, but whatever. ”
The fact that Tristan’s teasing Ford while we’re all whispering in my entryway in the middle of the night helps ease my tension even more.
Ford fake glares at him, Tristan laughs and then pushes him toward the living room, and it all feels so mundane.
Like the world can’t be ending if everyone’s cracking jokes.
“Thanks,” I say to Ford, signing at the same time, before running to grab him a blanket and a pillow.
I’m going to fuss more, but he waves me away before he throws his phone onto the table, collapses his big, bulky body onto the couch with a sigh, and closes his eyes. Tristan jerks his head toward the door, so I grab my jacket and follow him out the front door.
In the car, we talk a little about what happened in the past couple of days. Well, I talk, while he asks prompting questions. It goes on for a while before I realize I don’t even know where we’re going.
“Do you have a plan, or are we just driving?”
Tristan pfffft’s me loudly.
“Do I have a plan? Who do you think you’re talking to? I’m the eldest child of an historically undiagnosed bipolar mother. I’m a scenthound for finding people in crisis who don’t wanna be found. You can just relax and eat some popcorn over there, I’ve got this taken care of.”
It’s so nonchalant, I almost smile. If I weren’t still so scared about the Cade-dead-in-a-ditch scenario, I probably would have laughed.
“Okay, I’m sorry.” I raise my hands in surrender. “Where are we going?”
“Honestly, it’s a small town. There’s only so many places he can be.
We’ll swing by that shithole dive bar out near the fucking mafia farm and see if the lights are on there, and if that’s a bust, we’ll try The Last Glass.
Worst case scenario, we’ll start checking all the parking lots that the high school kids go to do whippets, in case he’s trying to relive his glory days. ”
I don’t say anything, because my brain is telling me we should be checking all the backroads for his body, but I’m aware that logic isn’t my strong suit when I feel like this.
Tristan stays silent for a minute, before softening his entire self and turning toward me.
“Don’t worry. We’ll find him, and whatever’s going on, we’ll figure it out. I promise.”
It’s meaningless, because Tristan doesn’t control the universe, but it makes me feel better anyway. I never would have guessed how much of a difference it makes to not feel alone. I let out a shaky exhale, meet his eyes for a second, and then force myself to relax.