Chapter 49
Remy
It felt less like waking up and more like slowly surfacing from some strange, dense fog. Vague memories of pain, of sharp blades and bright lights, of longing and despair, evaporated the moment I opened my eyes, blinking up at the snow-covered skylight above me.
I craned my neck slightly to get a look at myself, and even that caused burning pain in my shoulder.
A pillow and blankets were propped under my injured arm, and I appeared to be naked, other than the bandages wrapped snuggly around my ribs and chest. The blanket was pulled to my waist, so I couldn’t be sure about my bottom half, but it felt free of the constraints of my long underwear or socks.
“Good, you’re awake,” Jordy said.
He sat at a small table near the fireplace in one of the mismatched chairs. A fire crackled beside him, making the one room apartment almost too toasty, and he had the sleeves of his sweater pushed up high on his forearms.
In front of him on the table was a tea tray with two cups and a plate of biscuits, and he had a book splayed open. He tilted in his chair to look at me and slipped a bookmark in between the pages before closing it.
“Did it seem like I might not wake up again?” I asked.
“It did seem a little touch and go, if I’m being honest,” he said, but the way the firelight glinted in his eyes, I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.
“Where’s Ripley?” I asked, since I couldn’t see her or hear her.
“The lion? She’s over there, sleeping.” He pointed to the corner, and even if I strained my neck until it hurt, I couldn’t see her past the roughhewn footboard.
Jordy noticed, so he stood up and started over to me. “Here, let me help you sit up some, and I’ll pour you a cup of tea.”
He moved to my side, and with steady, careful hands, he helped maneuver me until I was sitting. Once I was, he tucked another pillow behind me.
Finally, I spied Ripley curled up in the corner of the room on a pile of blankets.
A massive animal bone was under her head like a pillow – an elk femur, I’d guess by the size of it.
Already, she’d cracked it in a few places to get the fresh marrow out if it, something she often did at home when I let her keep the bones.
“I wasn’t sure what to feed your lion, and she seemed hungry,” Jordy explained. “I gave her an elk bone with meat still left on it. I hope that’s okay.”
“Yeah, she loves those,” I said. “What about Vince?”
“Your mule is doing wonderfully,” he assured me.
“I brushed him, cleaned his hooves, gave him some fresh hay and oats. The heat from up here keeps it warm downstairs, so he’s cozy and comfortable.
He’s getting on well with my mule Buck, but it helps that I’ve been giving them both extra carrots since Vince arrived. ”
“Thank you,” I said, and gave him a sheepish smile. “You really don’t have to help me so much, but I appreciate it.”
“Everybody needs help from time to time, especially these days.” He went over to the table and poured me a cup, then returned with it and the plate of biscuits.
“You should eat and drink to get your strength back up. The tea is a blend of chamomile with elderberry and rosehips. It’s something that I make to help with recovery. ”
“You made it?” I asked.
“Well, I grew the plants in the greenhouse, and I harvested them and dried them in my kitchen, then ground them and blended them together,” he elaborated. “I can go through the process more in depth, if you’re exceptionally curious.”
“No, I’m satisfied with the gist of it,” I replied and took a sip. It reminded me a bit of a subtly sweet apple juice but with mellow grassy undertones. “This is really fucking good. Excuse my language.”
“It’s not that good,” he disagreed with a laugh. “I suspect that it’s more the fact that you’re near starvation than the flavor itself.”
I bristled. “I wasn’t that close to starvation.”
He gave me a hard look. “If I’m gonna help you, we both need to be realistic about your condition.
I bandaged you, and all your ribs were protruding against your skin, not only the broken ones.
You were about a day or two away from death knocking on your door, but I just happened to meet you first.”
I stared down at the amber colored liquid swirling in my cup, and my stomach rolled. For some reason, I felt like I should apologize. But to who and for what, I couldn’t fully articulate. I just knew that I was contrite and embarrassed.
“Well, let me rest up a day or two, and I’ll be out of your hair,” I said at length.
He laughed at that, loud enough that Ripley lifted her head and bent her ears back in annoyance.
“Did you not hear what I said?” he asked incredulously.
“You have multiple broken bones, including three ribs and your clavicle, in addition to frostbite and an infection in your left foot. You’re dehydrated and underweight.
Outside, the temperatures are well below freezing, with a wind that will turn the air in your lungs to ice, and with your specific injuries, that is virtually a perfect recipe for pneumonia and death.
And you think that you’re going to hobble out into that in a day or two? ”
“How long do you think I’ll need to wait until I am well enough to travel?” I asked.
“My guess would be a minimum of 8-12 weeks,” he said. “But with the way the weather kicked your ass on the way here, I’d suggest you wait until after the spring thaw in May or June.”
“So I’m supposed to be holed up here for months? How am I supposed to take care of myself? Do you have any idea how much a lion eats?” I asked. “What day is it even?”
“Today’s the ninth of January,” he replied, and my body went cold.
“Oh. Fuck.”
“What?”
“I thought it was still December. I lost track of time on the road, the days were blurring together,” I said. “I didn’t realize it was… Today’s my birthday.”
“It is?” Jordy smiled, as if it was some happy thing to be celebrated, and not some pathetic realization. “Happy birthday, Remy!”
“It’s not a happy birthday,” I cut off his cheer. “I’m thirty years old, alone in a bed with a stranger, barely….” I trailed off as bitter tears stung my eyes. I knew I should be grateful for Jordy’s help and that I was even still alive.
But the truth was that part of me hated that I was still alive. That I was here, celebrating another birthday without my brother Max. I was still fucking here, without the people I cared about because I couldn’t protect them.
It wasn’t sadness I felt then but rage. An all consuming, visceral fury. It was like I had been cut open from bow to sternum and filled with red hot coals of anger. And all I could do in my current state, with the wind howling outside the walls, was seethe in a fucking bed.
I had never felt so useless or powerless in my life. Even when I was locked up in the Blaine County Quarantine Zone, I had the cold comfort that the butchers and scientists were working to find a cure. All of that pain was at least an attempt at something good.
This was nothing, and it was my own god damn fault for not waiting until the spring. I knew when I set out that what I was doing was dangerous bordering on reckless, but I thought I knew better. I thought it would be worth it somehow. That my suffering would mean something. But it never did.
And then, because I couldn’t do anything else, I balled my hands up into fists and I screamed. Even that hurt like hell, but I could still do it, so I did.
When I finished, I collapsed back on the bed, staring up at the skylight and gasping for breath as deeply as I could.
“Okay,” Jordy said at length. He was standing beside my bed, looking down at me with confusion and concern. Not that I blamed him.
“Sorry,” I said, my voice going raspy after that scream. “I had to get that out.”
“Yeah, I can tell.” He watched me a moment longer, then went back and grabbed something from the table. He returned with another flake of the grinleaf he’d given me earlier.
I shook my head. “I don’t want to be drugged out sleeping all the time.”
“This is less than what I gave you last time,” he explained. “It’s just to take the edge off so that you can rest. That’s the only way you’ll heal and get your strength back.”
“Fine,” I said, mostly because I didn’t want to feel this way anymore, and I didn’t know what to do with all the anger inside me. I took the flake and put it on my tongue, and I stared up at Jordy, waiting for it to take effect.
“You know, I don’t know for sure what you’ve been through, but I can tell it’s been a lot,” he said gently, and then softer, almost bashfully, he added, “I saw your scars.”
“They’re hard to miss,” I muttered since they were everywhere all over me.
“If you ever want to talk about – ”
“I don’t,” I snapped, cutting him off before he could finish his unnecessary invitation, and I closed my eyes.
“Okay then. I’ll let you rest,” he said. “I’ll be back in a while to check the fire, and if you’re hungry, I’ll bring some stew.”
“Thank you,” I said, but already I was drifting away to the warm painlessness of oblivion. It wasn’t as powerful as before, but with the exhaustion I already felt, it was more than enough.