Chapter 65
Remy
From the moment I saw them in the common area of the inn, I had the strangest sensation of floating outside my body. Like I was hovering above myself, numbly watching everything transpire.
I led them down the hall, to the room next to mine, and the young man with the key and the twisted locs opened the door and ushered the group in.
I didn’t say anything the entire time, which only intensified the feeling that I was floating somewhere beyond this, watching it happening to someone else.
“These rooms are quite posh, actually,” the Irish one said, sounding impressed.
I recognized him vaguely from the S. S. Barbarabelle. He and his brother had moved on shortly before I left, but I don’t think I’d ever spoken to him or even bothered to learn his name.
The young man with the key I was fairly certain I’d never seen before. He flopped face first onto one of the beds. In a muffled voice he said, “The beds are fantastic, too!”
Ripley jumped on the other bed, and Stella sat down with my niece so that she could pet her.
My niece. Who had gotten so big, and somehow looked even more like Max.
I wasn’t prepared for that at all, and I was suddenly thrust back here, in the moment, in my body again.
My heart was beating too fast, making me light-headed, and my skin felt too tight, like it was constricting all around my body.
“This room will work for the six of us,” Edie commented as she looked around. “Do you have your own room here, Remy?”
“Yeah,” I said flatly.
I glanced over to where Boden was leaning against the wall.
He hadn’t really spoken to me, neither of us had really looked at one another.
Part of me wanted to run to him, throw my arms around him and beg him to forgive me, and another part wanted to scream at him for not listening to me.
And all of it overwhelmed me completely, so my mouth felt dry, and every noise seemed so unbearably loud.
“How long have – ” Edie started to ask.
But I couldn’t help myself anymore and I interrupted her and blurted out, “What the fuck are you all doing here?”
Everyone fell silent at that, except for Fae who babbled a bit more at Ripley. Stella looked at me with wide, hurt eyes, and I wished I hadn’t snapped at them like that.
“We were worried about you,” Stella said in a small, sad voice that nearly broke my heart.
“But I specifically told you not to follow me!” I yelled back, and I wished I wasn’t yelling. I didn’t want to be, but I couldn’t seem to keep my voice down or hide the tremble in it.
“Leo, mate,” the Irish one said, gently patting the bed of the one I didn’t know who was already half-asleep. “Maybe it’s best we go out and explore.”
“I don’t want to be in anyone’s way, but I really need a nap,” he grumbled into his pillow.
“You know, now that you mention it, I wouldn’t mind having a rest myself, and I bet I could persuade little miss Fae to go down for a nap,” Fergus offered. “If the rest of you all wanted to go on to Remy’s room to have a talk.”
“I’m sorry, but who are you? And why is anyone trusting my niece alone with you?” I asked.
“Remy!” Stella snapped, looking embarrassed. “That’s Fergus. He’s our friend, and he’s great with Fae.”
“Actually, I think I should hang back, too,” Edie interjected diplomatically. “The conversation seems best if it’s between you three.”
“Fine,” I relented. “My room’s right next door.”
“Thanks for watching her.” Stella kissed Fae on the top of the head, then she stood up. “Feel free to come get me if you need anything at all.”
“And feel free to come get me if you need anything,” Fergus replied cheerily, and then he and Stella exchanged an affectionate look that I did not like at all.
After the quick farewells, I led Stella and Boden next door, and Ripley followed us, still rubbing against Stella and Boden every chance she got.
“Nice to see that you aren’t keeping this place any cleaner than you did ours,” Boden muttered as he cast a disparaging glance over my unmade bed and pile of dirty clothes.
My bedside table had a messy stack of books.
Some that Jordy had gifted me, like Mary Shelley’s The Last Man, Jon Krakauer’s Into the Wild, and Kazuo Ishiguro’s Never Let Me Go, but The Book of Mercy sat at the top.
“Did you really travel all this way to make fun of my lack of housekeeping skills?” I asked.
“No. Honestly, I came here because I didn’t want Stella going alone, and she wanted an answer for why you abandoned your only niece,” Boden said.
“Boden!” Stella yelled. “That’s not true! Remy, don’t listen to him. I don’t know why he’s being a jerk right now, but we came here because we love you and we’re worried about you.”
He scoffed. “I’m the one being a jerk after all I’ve done?”
“Please!” Stella shouted again, holding up her hands. “We’re all here together, and we’re all each other has. Can we please talk about this like civilized people?”
“Yeah.” I motioned vaguely to my bed. “Have a seat. I’m sure you’re tired after all that walking.”
“I’m fine.” Boden stayed by the door, arms folded over his chest, and he still wouldn’t do more than glance at me for a second at a time.
But Stella sat down on the bed, folding one of her legs underneath her, and I realized that she had grown up, too.
Not as much as Fae had over the past nine months, but there was a subtle shift from young girl to young woman.
Some of the baby fat had been lost from her cheeks, but it was how weary and tired her eyes looked that made the guilt twist inside me the most.
I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted her to hurt at all.
“How have you been?” she asked.
“Fine. Good. I don’t know how to answer that,” I stumbled. “I mean, I’ve been good lately. How have you been?”
“Fae’s doing great, and the rest of us could be a lot worse,” she replied with an uncertain smile. “What are you doing here?”
“Since you found me, I’m guessing you know about Cold Shore then,” I said.
She nodded. “We’ve heard of it.”
“Then you understand why I’m here,” I said, frustrated. “The immunity in my body could help create a cure, and that could create a safer world for everyone, including Fae. So I don’t know if you came all this way to talk me out of it, but I don’t even know why you would.”
“I understand your reasons, but why didn’t you tell us you were going? Why did you leave the way you did?” Stella asked. “If you really believed in what you’re doing, why didn’t you say goodbye?”
“Because I was afraid you would talk me out of it, and this is more important than how I feel about you or anyone or anything,” I said, my voice tight.
“It’s awfully convenient how running away from everyone is always the most important thing for you to do,” Boden responded glibly.
“Boden!” Stella snapped again in exasperation. “Why are you being this way? For months, all you’ve cared about is finding Remy, and now that we have, you’re so angry and mean!”
“I didn’t expect to feel this way.” Boden’s voice was thick, and when he finally forced himself to look at me, tears were swimming in his eyes.
“I have been so worried. I have thought of almost nothing except finding you and holding you in my arms… and yet the moment I saw you, all I could feel was rage.”
His arms fell at his sides, and he stepped over to me, so we were only inches apart. “You ripped my fucking heart out, Remy, when you left me and our family.”
“I’m sorry,” I replied quietly. “What do you even want from me anymore?”
“Right now, I honestly don’t know.” He shook his head and looked away. “I think I need to take a walk and clear my head.”
“Do whatever you need,” I said.
“Seriously, Boden?” Stella asked in surprise, but he just shook his head again and left the room, shutting the door hard behind him.
I exhaled roughly after he left, and if Stella hadn’t been sitting there watching me, I probably would’ve cried. But she was, so I swallowed it down and tried to force a smile at her.
“Sorry about him,” Stella and I both said at the same time, then we shared an uneasy laugh.
“I’m sorry things are tense, and I’m sorry I left the way I did.” I sat on the bed next to her. “I missed you and Fae a lot, and … I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to stay.”
“You should be sorry for the way you left,” Stella affirmed.
“I’m a young woman with a child who has survived a zombie apocalypse.
I can handle difficult things, and you know that better than anyone.
If you really think that being here is the best thing for you – and for the world – then I wouldn’t have stopped you.
Not that I truly believe I even could have stopped you.
But you still should’ve talked to me about it.
I want you to be safe, and I love you, and Fae loves you. ”
“I know, and I love you both,” I said.
She leaned over and hugged me tightly. “I really did miss you, Remy. But please, please don’t leave without goodbye again.”
“Okay. I’m sorry. I won’t,” I promised her, but even as I said it, I wasn’t entirely sure I would be able to keep it.
There was a heavy silence between us for a moment, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I took a deep breath, searching for the right words, when curiosity got the better of me.
“So what’s the deal with Fergus?” I asked.
Her cheeks reddened slightly as she guardedly responded with, “What do you mean?”
“I mean, what’s the deal with you and Fergus?”
“Nothing. I don’t know.” She averted her gaze and picked a loose thread on my comforter. “A lot has happened while you’ve been gone.”
“I know,” I admitted sadly. “What does Boden think of him?”
“Boden likes him,” she replied. “So do Fae and Edie.”
“Well… I want you to be happy.” I put my hand over hers. “I know Max would want that, too. You’re so young, and you have a whole life ahead of you.”
“I know. You’re not that old, either, Remy. You’ve still got your life ahead of you, too.” She smiled at me. “And I just want to be a part of it, and I want you to be part of mine and Fae’s. Is that too much to ask of you?”
And then, because I did want it, even if I wasn’t sure that I could ever live up to it, I said, “No. Of course not. I want that, too.”