17. Christian
Christian
I stared at the door, feeling like a bloody idiot. What the hell was I doing here? How could I have agreed to stay even for one day at a time?
This wasn’t me. I was supposed to be on the move, always a step ahead of my past. But there was something about Claire that made me weak, made me want to stay. It was infuriating.
I had grumbled and muttered under my breath, but I couldn’t deny the strange warmth that spread through me as we worked together. For a moment, it felt like I belonged somewhere. But then that familiar fear crept in, and I pulled away, retreating to the safety of my solitude.
Now, standing at the threshold in my room, I felt torn. Part of me wanted to turn and walk away, disappear like I always did. But another part, a part that scared me, wanted to follow her out of that door and kiss her again.
“What’s wrong with you?” I muttered to myself. “Get it together.”
But my feet stayed rooted to the spot. Claire had this uncanny ability to get under my skin without even trying. It was maddening.
I shook my head and took a step back. This was madness. I should leave this place, leave her, before things got any more complicated.
I couldn’t stay in the room any longer. The walls felt like they were closing in, my thoughts bouncing off them like a rubber ball. I needed to move, to clear my head. The cold air might do me some good.
I shrugged on my snow jacket and stepped outside. The crunch of snow under my boots was a welcome sound, grounding me in the present. I started down the main street, hands shoved deep into my pockets.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw a message from Cavil.
You up for coffee?
I blew out a breath, watching it fog in the chilly air. Cavil always had impeccable timing. Maybe a chat with him was exactly what I needed to distract myself from this inner turmoil.
Sure, where? I texted back and continued my walk, waiting for his response.
The town was quiet, most people still in bed or cozy inside their homes. Christmas lights twinkled along the storefronts, adding a soft glow to the early morning. It was almost picturesque, if not for the storm brewing inside me.
My phone buzzed again.
Emma’s café near the square. Meet you there in ten?
I replied with a simple on my way and picked up my pace. The café wasn’t far, just past the old bookstore and around the corner from the town square. As I walked, I let the familiar rhythm of my steps calm me, each stride loosening the knot of tension in my chest.
The bell above the door jingled as I pushed it open, a burst of warm air hitting me as I stepped inside.
The café was like stepping into a Christmas card.
Warm light bathed the room, casting a golden glow on the wooden tables and mismatched chairs.
A large Christmas tree stood in the corner, its branches adorned with delicate glass ornaments and twinkling fairy lights.
The smell of fresh coffee and baked goods filled the air, mingling with the faint scent of pine from the garlands draped across the windowsills.
I glanced around, spotting Cavil at a table near the back. He looked up and waved me over, a small smile tugging at his lips. I weaved through the tables, ignoring the stares a couple of the locals gave me.
"Christian," Cavil greeted as I slid into the chair opposite him. "Good to see you."
I nodded back, my eyes wandering to the display case filled with pastries. Croissants, muffins, and scones were arranged in neat rows, their golden-brown tops glistening under the soft light.
"You want something?" Cavil asked, following my gaze.
"Yeah," I replied, my stomach rumbling in response. "I'll grab us a couple of those croissants."
I stood up and approached the counter, where a cheerful barista with a Santa hat took my order. As she handed me the warm pastries wrapped in parchment paper, I couldn't help but smile back at her infectious holiday spirit.
Returning to our table, I placed one croissant in front of Cavil and unwrapped mine. The buttery aroma made my mouth water, and I took a bite, savoring the flaky layers that melted on my tongue.
"Thanks," Cavil said, taking his own bite. "How you holding up?"
I shrugged, not meeting his eyes. "Same as always."
Cavil leaned back in his chair, studying me for a moment. "You seem more on edge than usual."
I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "Just... a lot on my mind."
The café bustled around us as more people trickled in for their morning coffee fix. The sound of chatter and clinking cups filled the air, blending with the soft strains of Christmas music playing in the background.
Cavil studied me with a calm intensity, like he was trying to read my thoughts. I took another bite of the croissant, avoiding his gaze.
"Want to talk about it?" he asked after a moment.
"Not really." I picked up my coffee cup, taking a sip. The flavor was rich and smooth, with just the right hint of bitterness. It warmed me from the inside out, grounding me for a brief moment.
I set the cup down and leaned back in my chair, eyes fixed on Cavil. "How are you here?"
Cavil arched a brow, clearly puzzled by my question.
"Here, in this town," I clarified. "How do you just... fit?"
He chuckled softly, shaking his head. "I didn't always. It was a choice."
"But why here?" I pressed, needing to understand. "Why this place?"
Cavil's expression softened as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "Because it felt right," he began. "After everything we've been through—the chaos, the uncertainty—I needed something steady. This town gave me that."
I frowned, not entirely convinced. "But how did you know it was the right place?"
"I didn't," Cavil admitted. "Not at first. It took time. I had to let myself slow down and really see what was around me."
The café's warmth wrapped around us like a comforting blanket, and for a moment, I could almost see what he meant. But still...
"And what about everything else?"
Cavil sighed, his eyes reflecting a weariness I understood. "You don't forget it; you carry it with you. But you learn to let it shape you without letting it control you."
His words hung in the air between us, resonating deeply within me. It sounded so simple when he said it, yet it felt impossibly difficult to achieve.
"Give yourself a chance," Cavil said quietly. "You might be surprised at what you find."
I stared at him for a long moment, feeling something shift inside me—a glimmer of hope or maybe just curiosity. Either way, it was enough to make me consider staying a little longer.
Cavil leaned forward, his eyes sharp. "You considering making this place more permanent?"
I hesitated, Claire's face flashing in my mind. Those big green eyes, the way her mouth moved against mine. It was maddening, how she could occupy my thoughts so completely.
"I don't… I don't know," I said, tapping my fingers on the table, searching for the right words. "I just…"
"Or maybe you met someone," Cavil suggested, a hint of a smirk playing at his lips. "Someone who makes you want to stay."
My head snapped up. How did he know?
"Ah, so that's it," he said, his smirk widening into a knowing grin.
My instinct was to deny it, but the words stuck in my throat. Claire had wormed her way into my defenses without even trying.
"She must be something special," he continued, leaning back in his chair. "Let me guess… Blonde hair, big green eyes like pies, runs the only inn in town?"
I shrugged, feeling exposed. "How did you?—"
"People talk," Cavil interrupted with a chuckle. "And in a place this small, word gets around fast."
The ambient noise filled the silence between us. My thoughts raced as I processed what Cavil had said. Was Claire the reason I was hesitating to leave? It seemed ridiculous and yet undeniably true.
"I don't know what I'm doing," I admitted finally, my voice barely above a whisper.
Cavil nodded, understanding etched on his face. "It's okay not to have all the answers right now."
His words brought a small measure of comfort. Maybe it was okay to be uncertain for once.
"You'll figure it out," Cavil added with a reassuring smile. "Just take it one day at a time."
"I don't want to drag her into my shit," I said, the weight of those words sinking into me. The idea of Claire getting mixed up in my past was unbearable.
Cavil leaned back, a thoughtful look crossing his face. "Maybe she can handle it."
"And maybe she can't," I countered, my voice hardening. "I can't risk that."
He didn't flinch, his eyes steady on mine. "Claire handles a lot more than you think. She's not some fragile thing that needs protecting."
"She shouldn't have to add more to that," I shot back, feeling my frustration rise. "It's not fair to her."
He let out a slow breath, considering his next words carefully. "Life's rarely fair, Christian. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't give her the choice."
I stared at him, the truth of his words hitting me like a punch to the gut. Claire deserved to make her own decisions, but the thought of her getting hurt because of me wasn’t something I wanted to think about.
"You're right," I said finally, my voice low. "But it's still my responsibility to protect her from my mess."
"Protecting her is one thing," Cavil said, leaning forward again. "Pushing her away is another."
I didn't have an answer for that. He was right; pushing Claire away might not be the best way to protect her. But how could I find the balance?
Cavil's gaze softened, and he gave me a small nod. "Just think about it. Maybe she's stronger than you give her credit for."
I looked down at my hands, the calluses and scars a stark reminder of my past. Claire was strong—stronger than I'd initially realized—but was it fair to ask her to carry my burdens too?
"If she gets with me, that means giving up a lot," I said, my voice steady but heavy. "That means a target on her back. That means dealing with things because she's with me."
Cavil leaned forward, eyes locking onto mine. "Like I said, I think she can handle it. You need to give her a chance."
His words settled between us, the weight of them pressing on my chest. He wasn't wrong; Claire had a strength that belied her gentle exterior.
"Here's what I think," he continued, his gaze unwavering. "I think you're genuinely worried about her. I think you want to protect her. But I also think you want to protect yourself."
I clenched my jaw, but didn't interrupt.
"Because the truth is," he said, his voice softening, "you don't want to bring her in only to have her leave."
My heart pounded in my chest as the truth of his words hit me hard. The thought of Claire walking away was a pain I wasn't sure I could handle.
"What do I do?" I asked, the question hanging in the air like a lifeline.
Cavil leaned back, giving me a small nod. "You decide if you want to hide your whole life or if you want to take a chance on her."
"It's that simple?" I asked, disbelief tinging my voice.
Cavil nodded. "Yeah," he said with a certainty that almost made me believe it was possible. "It is."
I stared at him for a long moment, the weight of his words settling into my bones. Maybe he was right. Maybe it really was that simple.
The silence stretched between us as I grappled with my thoughts. Cavil's words had given me a lot to consider, but one thing was clear: I needed to figure out what was best for Claire, even if it meant facing my fears head-on.
Finally, I met Cavil's gaze again and gave him a nod of understanding. He had given me much-needed perspective, and now it was up to me to decide what came next.
"Thanks," I said quietly.
Cavil smiled and took another bite of his croissant. "Anytime. Especially if you're buying."