17. The Hesitation
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
THE HESITATION
Julian
Sipping my whiskey, I keep my eyes focused on my phone. I’ve been debating how to message Kai for nearly two days, dragging my feet and waiting for inspiration to strike. Of course I’m overthinking everything, and the fact that he hasn’t reached out only heightens the insecurity I feel around him.
He’s the only person I second-guess myself around. It feels so similar to when I met and fell for Sophie. The waiting games. The secret, furtive glances. The second-guessing. Does she like me as much as I like her?
And now, with Kai…
It feels like I’m dating all over again.
An incoming email from a client distracts me immediately, and I swipe over, reading quickly.
I hardly notice another man slip into the seat next to me. I continue skimming the email from a client, quickly replying about an issue we’d run into with shipping an expensive art piece abroad, when the man clears his throat.
I look over at him, narrowing my eyes, and then a smile slowly lifts the corner of my mouth.
What are the chances that I’d run into Kai’s brother tonight of all nights, as I’m in turmoil over how to reach out?
“Orion Ravage,” I say, holding my hand out. I recognize him from briefly saying hello to him at our housewarming party.
“The infamous Julian Ashford,” he says, smirking as he shakes my hand. “Nice to see you again. At my bar, of all places.”
I look around the dark, art deco space as my eyebrows shoot up. “This is your place? Nice job, mate.”
“Thanks, I appreciate that.”
I laugh as he takes a seat next to me. “Sorry, it’s just, before the party, the last time I saw you I think you were… twelve? Thirteen?”
Orion chuckles. “Something like that.”
He orders sparkling water, and I can’t help but think of how he—and all the Ravage brothers—remind me so much of Kai. It’s their mannerisms, their intense personas… their good looks. Being a bisexual man, I’ve definitely noticed the latter.
“So,” Orion says after taking a sip. “Can I ask you something? It’s been bothering me for years.”
I finish my whiskey and gesture to the bartender for another. “It depends,” I say, teasingly.
He narrows his eyes as he thinks through what he wants to say. Finally, he turns to face me fully, and his expression is open and curious.
“Whatever happened between you and Kai? One day you were thick as thieves, and the next…” He trails off and shrugs.
What happened?
The memory sits there, dusty but sharp. The feel of Kai’s hands gripping my shirt so tightly, the soft graze of his lips—God, I was young enough to think I could stop it from meaning something.
And I was wrong.
I take a deep breath before setting my glass down, tapping my wedding band against the glass. The whiskey feels like it’s burning a hole in my chest, and as the bartender sets another tumbler in front of me, I think of what to say to Kai’s brother. His question is direct, sure, but I know he’s not trying to be rude. There’s no malice in his tone.
Still, it throws me off-balance.
It’s been a few days since Sophie and I talked about possibly asking Kai to explore this… thing… between us further. I told her I’d take care of it, and yet, I’ve found myself stalling for time. Making excuses. Letting the days slip by, telling myself the timing isn’t right.
Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe I’m imagining the hesitation in his eyes that wasn’t really there. But every time I think about bringing it up, I remember the way he walked away last time, seventeen years ago—without a word, without looking back—and the question catches in my throat.
What if this time is no different?
“It’s complicated,” I tell Orion. My voice is quieter, and Orion leans in a bit closer, waiting for me to continue. Leaning back on the barstool, I swirl the rest of the whiskey around in my glass and admire the way it catches the light. Then I toss it back in one long swallow.
I’m going to need to get a cab home.
Orion is looking at me with something I can only describe as patient curiosity, but the silence is heavy. This is Kai’s brother. I should talk to Kai first, right?
But… what if he walks away again?
I suppose it couldn’t hurt to ask Orion for his opinion. I know he’s also in the lifestyle as a Dom. Inferno is his club, and he’s fairly well-known within the community.
Plus, as much as I try to push thoughts of Kai away, the more I drink, the more I can’t stop thinking about what Sophie and I talked about. She trusted me to bring it up, but I’ve been avoiding it—trying not to think about what it would mean to open that door after everything that happened seventeen years ago.
Orion sighs. “It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.” His tone isn’t arrogant. It’s matter-of-fact. “At least from what I’ve inferred. Maybe you should talk to him. It seems like something’s still bothering you, and in my experience, those feelings only fester the longer you wait.”
I nod as I gesture for another whiskey, and the bartender brings it right over. I swallow it in one long sip. It’s only then that I realize I probably should’ve eaten dinner before drinking. Setting the empty glass down harder than I mean to.
“Something happened. Seventeen years ago. And then he walked away like a coward.”
I keep it vague. Kai needs to be the one to tell his brothers, not me.
Orion raises an eyebrow, surprised. But then his expression softens almost immediately, like he’s piecing something together.
“Ah. That makes sense now.”
I glare at him, bristling at his calm response. “It does?”
“Come on,” he says, cracking a grin. “You and Kai were inseparable. Do you really think none of us noticed when it all fell apart? I don’t think I saw Kai smile for at least a year. He never talked about it, but we could tell something had changed.”
“Well, brooding is practically a family sport, isn’t it?” I tease, masking the way that information makes me feel.
Orion huffs a laugh, but he wants for me to continue. I look away, feeling drunk and like I want to confess everything to Kai’s brother. I never let myself think of how Kai handled what happened. I figured he’d walked away, so he likely brushed it off. But now that I know it seemed to affect him as much as it affected me?
I don’t know what to do with that information, and I don’t know how to reply.
I catch myself tapping my wedding band against the glass again. I stop when Orion’s gaze flicks to it, and I pretend I wasn’t just sitting here unraveling like some lovesick teenager.
“Does Sophie know? About what happened?” Orion asks, and again, his tone isn’t judgmental. For whatever reason, I feel at ease with Kai’s youngest brother.
“She does.” I don’t elaborate—it’s not important, not really. “Sophie and I…” I pause, trying to figure out how to word what I’m trying to say.
Orion chuckles. “I know everything that happens at my club, Julian. I know all about the arrangement you and Sophie have.”
I trace the rim of my glass with my index finger. “Right. Well, things got complicated, and now…”
I flinch. Orion continues to listen, and it feels good to talk to someone about this. “It’s not just Sophie. I want it, too. Or at least I think I do. I’m just… I don’t know. I’ve been carrying this unresolved knot of feelings for years—anger, embarrassment, longing—all wrapped up in our complicated history. And now, with Kai and Sophie… the knot is pulling tighter, and…”
“You’re scared,” Orion finishes, sipping his water.
I shrug. “I suppose I am.”
Orion sighs. “Look, I know my brother. Kai’s not the same person he was back then, and neither are you. If there’s even a chance you’re still holding on to those feelings, he deserves to know.”
I rake a hand down my face. “You make it sound so simple.”
“It’s not,” Orion admits, shrugging. “But it’s worth it. You’re not going to figure any of this out by avoiding it. Talk to him. Be honest. If nothing else, at least you’ll finally know where you stand.”
“Right. I’ll pour my heart out, and maybe we can settle things with a round of polo afterward,” I retort sarcastically.
“Whatever it takes,” Orion answers, and I don’t expect his words to weigh so much.
I sit in silence as I let his words settle. He’s right, damn him. I can’t keep running from this, not if I want to move forward—with Kai, with Sophie, or even just with myself.
Orion claps me on the shoulder, his tone turning lighter. “Look at it this way: worst case, he walks away again. At least you’ll know you’ve got a strong track record for surviving it.”
I let out a reluctant laugh, shaking my head. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, mate.”
“Anytime,” Orion says with a smirk, standing to leave. “Good luck, Julian. You’re going to need it.”
As he walks off, I pull out my phone, thumb hovering over Kai’s contact.
Type.
Erase.
Type.
Jesus Christ, how hard is it to send a simple text?
I lean my elbows on the bar, rubbing the back of my neck as if the motion alone will knock the indecision loose. The cursor blinks at me like it’s mocking my hesitation.
Hey, want to grab a drink sometime?
Backspace.
Hope you’re doing well. We should catch up.
Delete.
I stare at the empty message field, feeling like a teenager asking someone on a date.
Why the hell does this feel harder than it needs to be? This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with messy feelings or unspoken tension. Hell, my marriage is built on unconventional boundaries. And yet, Kai… Kai’s different. He always has been. There’s no script for this, no clean way to approach the man who kissed me once and left me wondering for seventeen years if I imagined the way he held on just a little too long.
I tap the screen again, exhaling sharply.
We need to talk.
There. No overthinking. No unnecessary weight behind the words. Direct. Unavoidable.
Before I can convince myself otherwise, I hit send and toss the phone onto the bar like it’s radioactive.