29. The Fixation
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
THE FIXATION
Malakai
The smell of sawdust fills the air, sharp and earthy, as I push the sander across the worn wood floor. Sophie is crouched nearby, focused solely on prying stubborn nails from the baseboards with the conviction of a woman who refuses to let any obstacle get in her way. And she should be damn proud, because this place is coming together seamlessly. I let my eyes wander over her… the messy halo of hair half pulled up, the flushed cheeks from the physical exertion, the way she hums along to a Gracie Abrams song under her breath as it plays over the speakers I installed yesterday…
It feels domestic.
And it feels entirely out of grasp, somehow.
Despite waking up with her and Julian two days ago, it feels like a lifetime ago. Especially since aside from our group chat, I haven’t seen them until I showed up this morning to help Sophie with the shop.
It’s still a matter of them versus me.
“Julian’s going to love the new floors,” Sophie says suddenly, her voice full of warmth. She talks about Julian with the kind of ease that only comes from years of knowing someone inside and out. I wonder if she could ever talk about me like that. “He’s already talking about claiming the little corner near the register for a coffee bar. I told him he’s not allowed unless he actually sticks with it this time,” she adds, her tone light and affectionate.
“Sticks with it?” I ask, keeping my eyes on the sander. The repetitive motion is distracting enough to keep my eyes focused on the floor rather than the woman next to me. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, you know Julian.” Her voice is breezy. Too breezy. Yanking another nail out, she tosses it into the growing pile next to her. “He’s always had his phases. Things he hyperfixates on until something shiny catches his attention.”
I should laugh, but instead my chest tightens. “Hmm.”
“You know him. It’s just a part of who he is. He’s lucky I find it sweet most of the time.”
Forcing a chuckle, I ignore the feel of a knife twisting in my gut. I remember the fixations all too well.
“You mean he’s never dragged you to a hip-hop dance class? Because that was interesting.”
Julian had a lot of interests when we were teenagers—the world fascinated him. He was curious, interested, with a zest for life.
“Oh God, where do I even start?” She sits back on her heels, smudging dirt across her cheek with the back of her hand. I almost laugh because it’s adorable. “There was the cycling phase—that one lasted three months, and we still have all the fancy cycling gear to show for it. Then there was pottery. Woodworking. He even tried to teach himself Japanese because he thought it would be fun.” She smiles, lost in memory.
She continues. “That’s just Julian, though. He gets so passionate about something, throws himself into it completely, and then one day…” She snaps her fingers. “Poof. It’s gone, never to return. And he’s on to the next thing.”
I pause, the sander humming in my hands.
On to the next thing.
Is that what I am? The next thing? How long until he moves on? Cycling lasted three months… is that my expiration date, too? I recall the hip-hop dancing fading pretty quickly, too… and the bookbinding, and everything else that seemed to excite him at one time or another. How long until he convinces Sophie to continue being a hotwife with a different guy because he can’t get that same dopamine hit with me? After all, I’m not a new, shiny thing.
And I do remember how excited he used to get over shiny, new things.
“It must be nice to have that freedom,” I blurt. “To just move on when something doesn’t hold your attention anymore.”
I can’t help how bitter my words sound, and I almost wince.
Sophie’s expression softens, but it only makes everything worse. It feels like she’s pitying me.
“You know him as well as I do, Kai. You know he loves experiencing things fully. He’s always been like that. But when it comes to things that matter…” She trails off. “He’s never walked away from the people he loves.”
I can’t respond. The sander hums angrily beneath my hand, scraping deeper into the wood than I meant to. I ease off the pressure, but the small gouge left behind feels like evidence of the thoughts I can’t quite shake.
Because I can’t bring myself to ask the question that’s bothering me: am I one of those things he loves, or am I just a passing phase?
I could text him, ask him how his day’s going. But what would I even say? I already feel like I’m standing in someone else’s house, trying to act like I belong.
Sophie seems to sense the shift in me. She stands and brushes her hands on her jeans, frowning.
“Hey, you okay?”
Setting the sander down, I look up and force a smile. “Yeah, fine. Just tired.”
What I want to say—what I can’t say—is that she talks about him like he’s some untouchable sun. I can see it in the way her face lights up. And I’m… jealous. I want her to talk about me like that, too.
Sophie and Julian Ashford are their own universe, and I still feel like an outsider. They fit together so perfectly, leaving no room for me unless I wedge myself into the cracks.
She reaches out, and when her hand touches me, it feels like an electric shock. For a second, the tension eases. But the moment she lets go, it creeps back in, like an echo I can’t quite silence. Her fingers trail down my forearm, brushing away sawdust I hadn’t noticed. I want to believe that means something. But maybe I’m reading into it too much.
“Okay. I’m going to get some water. I think that’s enough for today. We can finish this tomorrow,” she says, gesturing to the corner I’m sanding.
I nod, grateful for the excuse to step away from the tension in the air. She’s always so patient with me—I suppose she’s used to it with Julian—but I can’t seem to stop spiraling since we were all together this past weekend.
As she walks into the back room to grab water, I glance down at my phone. The screen lights up with a reminder of my meeting.
Shit. I’ve got to go.
Swiping the notification away, my thumb lingers over the time. The meeting with Victoria Evans is in an hour. I want to stay—I want to tell Sophie everything that’s been on my mind for days.
But I also know the fresh air on the walk to Saint Helena will clear my head.
Plus, I have to do this. I have to show up for Bradleigh. I have to fight for her.
I stand up and wipe the dust off my faded jeans. I’m filthy—I should probably go home and shower first, but I don’t really have time. I shake most of the sawdust off of me, and I walk to the small bathroom off to the side to wash my hands and splash water over my face. Looking up into the mirror, I’m reminded of the first time Julian and I kissed.
I was so worried about what I could possibly offer him. And now?
I’m worried I’m not enough.
Fuck, I sound like a teenager again, I think, running a clean hand down my face. Maybe I’m more fucked up over all of this than I realized.
When I walk back out, Sophie holds a water bottle out to me. Her eyes tighten with concern as she catches sight of my jacket.
“You’re leaving?”
I nod, giving her a soft smile. “Yeah. I forgot that I’ve got a late meeting with a parent.”
Sophie frowns. “Is everything okay?”
“Probably,” I tell her, unsure if I should explain the situation.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, tucking a piece of hair behind her ears. Her expression is so genuine, so earnest… it makes my chest ache.
God… she’s fucking perfect.
I sigh. “One of the board members is pushing for one of my trans students to move schools. I won’t stand for it. Her place is at Saint Helena.”
Sophie reaches out and takes my hands, pressing her lips together in contemplation. “I’m sorry. That must be really hard. Can’t you overrule the board member as headmaster?”
I shrug. “It depends on if I can convince the rest of the board.”
She’s looking up at me with concern, and I can’t have that. Leaning down, I kiss her gently on the forehead.
“It’s okay. It’s just part of the job.”
But it’s more than that. I can feel it now, the tension in my chest, the gnawing feeling of everything slipping through my fingers, everything I’ve built up over the years, everything I thought I understood about myself.
Sophie’s gaze on me intensifies, and then she does something that catches me off guard. She steps forward and wraps her arms around me in a tight hug. Her warmth wraps around me, and I close my eyes, letting out a contented sigh.
“You’re doing good. You know that, right?”
I can’t help it. I bury my face in her shoulder, letting her words soothe something inside of me that’s been raw for far too long. My throat feels tight, the words lodged there. I don’t feel like I’m doing good. Not right now. Not with the storm inside me that I can’t even begin to understand.
I want to tell her everything. I want to tell her that I’m falling for her—and that I’m also falling for Julian.
I want to tell her that I never expected to love two people this deeply.
I want to tell her that it fucking terrifies me.
And I want to tell her that it feels like I’m on the edge of something huge—of something that could shatter everything in my life if I’m not careful.
“I have to go,” I say a minute later as I pull away. My voice is rougher than I intended. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
She nods, and her hand lingers on my arm. “Okay.”
Giving her a shaky smile, I head for the door. It’s good that I’m leaving. I need to put my focus on Victoria and Bradleigh Evans, or I’ll lose myself in the chaos of everything I’m feeling.
However, as soon as I step out into the warm late afternoon air, I feel the weight of everything crashing down on me.
Sophie.
Julian.
Everything I’m too afraid to admit.
And I can’t help but feel like I’m already in too deep to walk away now.
Even if I wanted to.