31. The Fear
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
THE FEAR
Malakai
Julian puts himself away, and then he walks to the door, unlocking it. For a second, I think he’s going to leave, but then he walks back over to where I’m standing.
A second later, his lips press against mine for a second kiss, soft and firm at the same time. An electric shock zings through me, sending a shock wave behind my hip bones. It’s the kind of kiss that makes me forget the torrent of thoughts threatening to spill out of me, the kind of kiss that makes me forget the tightrope I’m walking, the worry, and the contradictions that are slowly pulling me apart. As Julian groans into my mouth, there’s only him—the velvet feel of his lips against mine, the sensation of his tongue sliding against mine, and the quiet promise of the way he’s gripping me.
“ Mine ,” he growls against my lips, his teeth grazing just enough to make me shiver. “You’re fucking mine, Ravage.”
His hand slides up the back of my neck, tugging me closer until there’s no space left between us, his forehead resting against mine.
“I don’t care how long it’s been. I don’t care who’s touched you since. You were mine then, and you’re mine now.”
The weight of his words settles deep in my chest, and I swear he can feel the way my heart hammers against his.
“Say it,” he whispers, his thumb brushing along my jaw. “Say you’re mine.”
I do, because, in this moment, I can’t imagine belonging anywhere else.
“ Yours, ” I nearly whimper.
His hand comes around my neck, and I let out a low groan.
And then the door flies open.
“Malakai.”
The voice is sharp and full of disapproval, slicing through the quiet intimacy that we’ve created in this moment like a knife.
I pull away instantly, and as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, the room begins to spin when I see Rod standing in the doorway. My heart drops down into my stomach. The look on his face can only be described as thinly veiled disgust. His mouth is open in surprise, but his eyes are as sharp as an eagle.
For a few seconds, none of us speak. The room remains quiet— charged. It’s fucking deafening. Then Rod steps into my office fully.
“I didn’t realize you had company,” he says, his tone cold and each word clipped. Flicking his eyes to Julian, they linger on him long enough for me to shift my weight uncomfortably.
This is bad.
Julian straightens, and he looks at me with something akin to pity. “I was just leaving,” he says, his voice devoid of any of the warmth from earlier.
“Were you?” Rod asks, his eyes narrowing on Julian. “It looked to me like the two of you were perhaps… busy.”
My neck burns. “That’s enough, Rod.” Somehow, I manage to keep my voice calm and steady. “Julian, I’ll see you later.”
Julian hesitates, his eyes searching mine—for what, I don’t know. But then he nods, and his expression softens just enough to remind me of what we were just doing. Brushing past Rod without a word, he leaves the office.
The silence is too overwhelming.
“Are you ready for the meeting?” he asks, standing up straight.
I stare at him. Is he going to ask me about Julian? This seems like it’s too good to be true. I thought for sure I’d get a verbal lashing from him.
“Yes,” I answer, my voice brusque.
Following him out of my office, I close and lock the door. We make our way to the boardroom in silence, and I wait for him to bring it up.
He doesn’t.
The bastard knows how to keep me on my toes.
Victoria is already waiting for us. I wave to Bradleigh, who is playing on her Nintendo Switch a few yards away, with headphones over her ears.
Her bright, goofy smile makes me huff a laugh, and it reminds me of why I’m here.
And why I’m doing this.
The meeting is short. I hardly pay attention, too frazzled from what just happened, and too worried that Rod is about to be a big dick to Victoria Evans.
In the meeting, Victoria states that she doesn’t want to move Bradleigh to another school, and I agree. Rod gives his side of the argument, but it’s over soon. Victoria starts to pull legal documents out, and I have to hide my smile when she passes us both a section of the code of conduct for Saint Helena. The passage highlighted is about discrimination, and when she leans forward, practically burning Rod alive with her ferocious expression, she tells him that she’s very happy to get the opinion of her lawyer—or rather, the lawyer I put on retainer for her to use, should she need legal advice.
So, the meeting is adjourned.
Rod huffs about it, and I can tell he’s pissed.
But Victoria and Bradleigh both give me a grateful smile before they head home.
Much to my chagrin, Rod follows me back to my office. Like before, we walk in silence, though I can feel his irritation radiating from his body as we walk across campus.
“Is this what Saint Helena has come to under your leadership?” he asks just as we walk up to my office door.
I stop walking, meeting his glare head-on with one of my own. “If you have a point, Rod, I suggest you get to it.”
His lips curl into something that might possibly pass for a smile if he weren’t so full of malice. “Oh, I have a point, Mr. Ravage. Several, in fact, after that flagrant injustice of a meeting just now. But let’s start with the incident from earlier.” Gesturing to my closed door, I nearly break my teeth clenching my jaw so hard. “I’m concerned about the image you’re presenting to our community. To the parents. And to the donors, who keep this school running.”
My jaw tightens even further. “Whatever you think you saw is none of your business.”
“Oh, but it is very much my business,” he counters, stepping closer. “You’re the headmaster. This is a religious institution. Parents entrust their children to this school because they believe in its values. If they were to find out that their headmaster is… how should I put this… diverging from those values, it could cause quite an uproar.”
He means for the implication to hang heavy between us, but I don’t flinch or take the bait. Rod’s mistake is simple, he thinks I’m playing by the same rules he is. He forgets that I’ve been headmaster long enough to know every backdoor deal and every name that carries weight in these halls. I don’t need to shout to be heard.
“Funny thing about values, Rod,” I say softly. “People like to think they’re set in stone, but they’re more like scripture—open to interpretation. And right now, I’m the one holding the pulpit. And as long as I’m here, Saint Helena’s values will always be about education, inclusion, and compassion,” I say firmly.
Rod’s eyes twinkle with something predatory. “That might be your interpretation, but I can guarantee that others might not agree. And while your brother’s policies may have tied my hands on certain matters, you can’t control what parents choose to do with their children if they were to find out,” he finishes, his voice dripping with bitterness.
The veiled threat lands right in the middle of my chest, but I refuse to give him even more fodder. “Is that a threat, Rod?”
“Of course it’s not,” he retorts, arching a brow.
I stare at him. “If you’re trying to intimidate me, you’re wasting your time,” I finish, my voice hard as steel.
Reaching around to the handle of my door, I hear Rod clear his throat. “As for the matter with Ms. Evans, I can assure you that she will not be the only student with these issues. We have now set a precedent, it seems. I trust you understand the concerns that might cause?—”
“Let me be clear,” I growl, stepping close enough for him to feel my breath on his face. “If you threaten my students again, I won’t stop at policy changes. Bradleigh Evans is and always will be welcome at this school as long as I’m headmaster. As will any other student, no matter their gender identity, race, ethnicity, or religion. Saint Helena is committed to creating a safe environment for all students,” I practically yell. “And while we’re at it,” I add, stalking closer to Rod and getting in his face. “You should know that you’re not the only one with connections, Rod,” I say smoothly, leaning back. “The board and I have had very productive conversations lately. If you so much as think about pulling this shit again, I will fuck your life up so hard that you won’t know what’s up and what’s down. Trust me when I say, I have my ways.”
Rod’s eyes flicker, just for a second, betraying the first glimmer of doubt. He thought I was the kind of man who prays away confrontation. He forgets I’ve spent years wielding the faith he hides behind like a sword.
“Mr. Ravage, I must say—” His chin wobbles as I huff a cruel laugh.
“I’m done having these conversations with you. If you have any other issue with our policies, take it up with the board. Otherwise, I suggest you stop wasting my time.”
Stepping back, my eyes bore into his. I watch with glee as his jaw tightens, and for a minute, I think he might fight back. Instead, he smooths his jacket as though regaining his composure.
“I’ll leave you to your day, Mr. Ravage,” he says, his tone icy.
Turning on his heel, he walks down the hallway. His shoes echo for what feels like forever, but finally, the silence finds me again.
When he’s finally gone, I close the door, leaning my forehead against it as the adrenaline drains out of me. I won this round… but why doesn’t it feel like victory?
My hands are trembling. My chest feels tight, as though I’ve run a marathon but never had the chance to catch my breath.
This has been a long fucking day.
I sink into my chair, running a hand over my face as the weight of everything I’ve been holding at bay crashes down on me. I’ve always been able to keep my cool. Even in the worst moments, I’ve prided myself on my restraint, my ability to outthink, outlast. But now? Now I’ve lost control completely.
Rod’s words circle in my head like vultures.
You can’t control what parents choose to do with their children if they were to find out… certain things about you.
I know his threat isn’t empty. This isn’t just about my job, it’s about my integrity. My identity. How can I be entrusted with these kids if the parents don’t approve of who I love, or how I choose to live my life?
And God, the hypocrisy of it all. These parents don’t know anything about me. Not really, anyway. How could they, when I barely know myself? When I’m still fucking figuring it out?
Julian’s kiss flashes through my mind, the warmth of his lips, the way he didn’t hesitate to claim me. I can still feel the ghost of it, but instead of comfort, it brings a fresh wave of panic. Rod saw . He saw me kissing Julian, and I can only imagine what conclusions he’s drawing, what whispers will ripple through the school if he decides to share what he saw.
I’ve spent my life living in service to others. To the church. To this school. To my family. And now? Now I’m caught between a love I’m still trying to understand and the impossible expectations of a community that would crucify me if they knew the truth.
I glance at my shelf, where the rosary Julian had brushed earlier sits like a relic of some distant, simpler version of myself. What would they think if they knew the headmaster is bisexual? That I’m in love with a man and a woman? That I’m still trying to make sense of what it all means?
It’s not just the parents. It’s me. My doubts. My contradictions.
My whole life is so different than what I expected it to be. I’d kept myself in this box for almost two decades, finding comfort in the simplicity. Finding release in a way that I could control. And now? The Ashfords turned my whole world upside down, and it feels like everything I once knew is slipping away.
And that scares me to the very depths of my bones.
I walk over and pick up the rosary, turning it over in my hands. The smooth beads press into my palm, grounding me in the same way they always have. Despite not being Catholic, I do find the rituals to be beautiful, and the meaning behind things to be in line with what I believe as a Christian.
But the weight of them feels heavier now. And the silence of the room feels oppressive, like it’s swallowing me whole.
I’ve always believed in a God that loves all humans. My faith will always be here.
But my job? My students? Kids like Bradleigh, who need me to fight for them?
I’m not convinced the powers that be will see it the same way.
When my phone buzzes with a new message, I walk to my desk and reach for it automatically. It’s from Sophie, a picture of the shop floor, half finished but brimming with potential. Her text is short and sweet.
Sophie
Thanks for helping today! Couldn’t have done it without you. Hope your meeting went okay.
I stare at the screen, my thumb hovering over the keyboard.
I want to reply.
I want to tell her how much it meant to be there, how much she and Julian mean to me.
But the words won’t come.
Because the truth is, I’m scared—scared that I’ll lose everything I’ve worked for if I let myself believe I deserve more.
I set the phone down without typing anything and press my hands to my face, willing myself to breathe. But the tightness in my chest doesn’t ease. Because no matter how much I want to believe otherwise, I know the truth.
Right now, alone is exactly what I am.