Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
KIT
T he Elysium Sol Sanctuary is about a hundred times nicer than the production lot in Seattle and as much as I loved the loft I had with Grant and Rafe, the accommodations here are to die for. Plus, there’s an honest to god coffee shop in the lodge with a barista and everything. Holly hadn’t been lying about the sound bath, either. I got to sit and relax for half an hour with my latte in hand while Rafe kept me company. I think he really liked the experience and I’m going to see if he wants to come with me again tonight.
I smile and sip my new beverage. This one is an iced elderflower and rose tea that is beyond perfect for the setting. I take in a deep breath and let it out while the birds chirp and a gentle breeze ruffles my hair. I turn my face up to the sky and take in another breath and let it out. I’m relaxed. It’s easy to be in a setting like this. Elysium is everything I imagine when I think of a weekend getaway.
Mount Hood looms in the distance. It’s close, much closer than I’ve ever seen it and it’s a gorgeous sight. Even in the summer it’s peak is capped in snow. I turn my face and study the mountain. The dark forest around Elysium fades away while I let my eyes move over the bold lines of the mountain. Dark gray rock juts up and fractures the sky with its slope and peak. White snow gives way to dazzling blue sky and I sip on my tea and wonder what it would be like to stand at the peak.
Everything would look small and insignificant. Everything would melt away, I know it would. I bet I’d feel just as at ease as I do here at Elysium. It’s hard to put into words how safe I suddenly feel. It might be the imposing gates we drove through on the way here and the fact that I know the place has security and that no one knows I’m here with Grant and Rafe.
No one knows where the three of us have gone and that’s refreshing. The confirmation of our absence showed itself to me when I scanned the usual gossip sites this morning in the lodge while I stood in line for coffee with Grant. He sighed when he saw me searching our names and dropped a kiss on my cheek.
“No one knows we’re here. You’re safe, sweetheart.”
Safe.
I squeeze my eyes shut and block out the mountain and the trees and the birds. I haven’t felt safe in so long. Yes, there’s the times when I’m with Grant and Rafe that everything feels right and perfect but I know that’s delicate. The photos from my past tell me so. Someone has something on me and it doesn’t matter how much I want to ignore them, they’re out there waiting for me. They’ll be there when our time filming at Elysium is over. I know it.
We’ll be here maybe a month or so, two if the rotation of the crew slows us down more than we want. The sound of a hammer and an electrical saw catches my attention and I squint into the distance trying to locate the sound, but I can’t.
The build for the sets must be on the other side of the lodge if I can hear it but not see it. The rest of the crew got here after lunch and immediately launched into creating new sets for filming. Right now, a picture perfect replica of Rosa’s home and my book’s setting, Delilah Falls, is being constructed.
Before I got my iced tea I saw the blueprints for the town and couldn’t believe my eyes. On the old production lot there wasn’t enough room to truly create the town in one go so it was broken up into sections, but here?
My eyes go up to Mount Hood and I smile. Here there’s more than enough room. There’s no need to break it up. The whole town can exist in one piece and before I know it, I’ll be walking down Main Street of Delilah Falls like I always dreamed. My inner sixteen year old self is losing her shit, just like I know will happen when I see the finished product.
I started writing By The Way the summer I turned sixteen as an escape. At first, the story meandered, more of a wish fulfillment than anything else. That was before I discovered the purpose of it. My hands tighten on the glass of iced tea slightly and my mood sours when I think about how my story found its direction—it's why.
That change was only possible because I changed.
I swallow hard and I’m not seeing the mountain or the blue skies anymore. I’m somewhere else, fading into the memories I did my best to forget but it's no use. My hand shakes and I have to put my glass down because it’s suddenly hard to breathe. It’s not trees in front of me–it’s the flash of a camera and the taunting eyes of a boy I liked.
“Come on, Kit. You like me, don’t you?”
My knees feel weak and I have to brace myself on the railing in front of me to stay upright. Sweat breaks out along my temple and down my back. The tank top I’m wearing sticks to me and I pull at the fabric, trying to catch a breath. It feels like the world is closing in on me and my heart is racing. It beats in my chest so hard that for a second the past is drowned out and the only thing in my ears is the rush of my blood. It sounds like the ocean. I gasp and lean over the railing but it doesn’t matter, another wave rolls over me and the past resurfaces while I choke for air. The voice I’ve tried to forget slices through the noise that holds me under.
“Answer me, Kit. I said, you like me, don’t you?”
I open my mouth to answer but, just like all those years ago, nothing comes out. Instead, I hyperventilate, short quick breaths that make my head spin. I grip the railing so hard that it leaves marks in my hands. I’m going to be sick.
“ Go away ,” I whisper. My voice cracks and it’s barely more than a squeak. It’s not going to be enough to make the past go quiet. It never is.
“Hey.”
My eyes pop open and my blood turns to ice in my veins. That voice is real. It’s here with me and everything goes still as I swipe at the tears I didn’t even realize I’d shed. I dab at my eyes and clear my throat when I hear footfalls approach me from behind.
“You all right, sweetheart?” Grant’s voice behind me works like a charm to shut the past up when I can’t. I’m not surprised by that. Not even a little bit.
“I’m fine,” I lie and raise my glass to my lips to take a swig. I need to get my shit together.
“You’re crying,” Grant says as he comes to rest against the railing with me.
“It’s just allergies,” I whisper.
I don’t look at him, I keep my eyes trained on the mountain and trees. Anything but look at him. If I do, he'll know. He probably already does, but if I look at him there’ll be no denying it then. He’ll know that I’m not fucking okay and I’m not ready to have that conversation.
Not yet.
I take in a deep breath and let it out. The calm that washed over me earlier isn’t here now, but I can pretend if Grant is with me. I move closer to him, sip my tea and lean into his arm.
“They’re building Delilah Falls,” I whisper.
Grant puts an arm around me and squeezes my shoulder. “You happy about that?” he asks and I wince, because I know he saw more than I wanted him to. Grant doesn’t give a shit about a lot. I know he cares about his family, or at least he knows he should, so he does. Sometimes I wonder if that’s how he feels about me. He swears it’s not true. When I asked him about it, it did make sense.
“They raised me. I owe them because there isn’t a moment they haven’t been good to me.”
“What about me?”
“You’re nothing but good,” Grant replied smoothly and pulled me into his arms, “and that means you deserve me.”
I’d rolled my eyes and laughed at him when he’d thrown me on the bed but the thought creeps up on me. I know Grant loves me, but it’s there in the back of my mind. What if he decides to stop? What if the thing that makes him want me just…ends? What will I do then?
“Would you love me if I wasn’t good anymore?” I ask and I feel my man go still. I don’t look at him, just keep my eyes on the trees and the sky and sip my tea. Grant moves before he speaks. He reaches down and brushes my hair away from my face before he trails his thumb along my cheek.
“You do something, sweetheart?” he asks softly.
I swallow and then nod. I did do something. I don’t know if I’m good because of it. I don’t think I’ve ever been good, if I’m honest. What if he doesn’t want me anymore when he realizes that I’m just another fucked up piece of shit?
Would he kill me if he didn’t want me anymore?
Probably.
“What did you do?” Grant’s voice drops and it’s mostly a rumble. It reminds me of thunder and I close my eyes to block out the bright early summer sunshine.
If I don’t give him anything, he’ll pry. He’ll think about it and tell Rafe. The two of them together? They can figure anything out, do anything . They’re unstoppable. The pictures are stopped for now. The move saw to that and with the rotation of crew, it’ll be harder for someone to access the lot. If they surface, we’ll know who it is. I have a chance of Rafe and Grant not realizing it’s not the recent pictures I’m scared of. Not even the ones from Rafe’s suite and the possibility of a stalker scare me like that blurry snapshot of my past. It’s a window into the worst night of my life, when everything went wrong and the true nature of what I am came out to play.
“You’re worthless.”
Those had been my mother’s words. She’d been right and that night…that night…
“Kit, what did you do?” Grant turns me to face him and my tea sloshes over the rim of my glass and gets on my hands. I put the glass down on the railing and make a show of trying to wipe my hands on my jeans but he doesn’t let me get away from him.
He grips my chin and forces my face up to look at him. “Answer me.”
Grant’s voice isn’t thunder anymore. Thunder can be comforting, a rolling rumble that makes you want to stay indoors and snuggle into your blankets because you’re grateful to be inside. But those two words are dark and cold.
They feel like icy rain rolling down my spine and I look at him, because my sweet and caring boyfriend isn’t here anymore. The man that might kill me is, though.
I love them both, so I don’t move away. Not even when Grant’s grip tightens and he squeezes too hard. He’s always been the rougher one with me and if I lie, he’ll know. I might be able to lie to Rafe but not Grant. No fucking way would he not know.
I swallow hard and put my hand on his. “I threatened Jasmine,” I whisper, because I’m not lying to him. I did do that and it’s something he and Grant don’t know.
Grant’s grip on me loosens, not all the way but I’ll take it. He’s interested and distracted. “What do you mean threatened?” he asks. From the way he asks I know I’m not going to get away with just that, so I go all in.
“I almost, you know…” I say, letting my voice trail off.
“Almost what?” he presses. I slash at my throat with my finger and he chuckles. “Say it.”
The words don’t get stuck on my tongue like I thought they might. “I almost slit her throat,” I say softly.
“And what would that do, baby?” The ice is gone and the fire is back. Grant’s voice feels like a shot of whiskey and my belly goes warm. “Tell me what you almost really did,” he urges and leans into my space.
I lock eyes with him when I answer him. “I almost killed her.”
The hand on my jaw gentles and cradles my face. “That’s my beautiful fucking girl.”
His response isn’t what I was expecting. He sounds proud but also like he already knew. How the fuck did he already know? I lean back and look up at him with a raised eyebrow.
“You already knew, didn’t you?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.
He hums and kisses my forehead. Relief washes over me at the touch of his lips and he hugs me to him. “I did, sweetheart.”
“How?”
“There isn’t a thing you do that I don’t know.”
I roll my eyes and hug him back. “Does Rafe know?”
He shakes his head. “Nah, he’s too dumb to know this kind of shit.”
I poke him in the side. “Grant!”
“What? He’s pretty to look at but dumb as a box of fucking rocks, baby. Fucker brought a gun on the plane. You know that’s stupid.”
I cross my arms because I don’t know what to say to that. I’d never bring a gun. I’ve never even fired one and touching them makes me twitchy, let alone bring one on a plane, even if it was private.
“He’s just particular, that’s all.”
Grant snorts. “I knew you knew he was dumb.” I frown and make a move to leave but he catches me around the waist and pulls me back to him. “I’ll keep it our secret,” he murmurs in my ear and kisses the top of it.
“Leave Rafe be,” I whisper but I’m smiling, because there’s normalcy in this moment. It feels right. Like nothing is amiss or stalking me from the past. Grant is talking shit about Rafe and I know Rafe would be doing the same if he had happened upon me first. He’d call Grant an idiot for not bringing a gun with him and I’d chide him just the same. I relax back against Grant’s chest and let him turn us towards the trees, Mount Hood looms in the distance and it’s easy to feel small again, because the man holding me feels just as big as the mountain.