Chapter 12 #2
Slim held a chair at the dining room table for Erin, who was far more subdued than usual. He reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze.
She sent him a grateful smile, but he sensed she was unsettled. He couldn’t wait to be alone with her again later when he’d try to get her to talk about it.
Erin felt foolish for allowing such a simple thing to send her reeling, but witnessing Jenny’s joyful celebration with Hope had felt like a punch to the gut.
Jenny was to have been her sister, and while Erin was truly happy for Hope and Paul—and Alex and Jenny by extension—the incident was just another reminder of what’d been lost.
And now she could feel herself falling into the black hole of despair that struck at the oddest of times, like today when she’d been having a really great day with people she adored. All it took was one sentence, one comment, one second to change the dynamic for her.
She ought to be used to it by now, having suffered through frequent mini-crises since Toby died, but she was never prepared for the darkness to swoop in to remind her that while her life and Jenny’s had somehow moved forward, Toby was gone forever.
Slim’s hand wrapped around hers was a comfort until he was forced to release her to take the serving dish that Paul passed to him.
Jenny served a delicious meal of tenderloin, red bliss potatoes, asparagus, mixed vegetables and freshly baked bread, but Erin couldn’t get anything past the lump in her throat.
She dabbed at her lips and mumbled an “excuse me” before she got up and went to the bathroom in the hallway to try to get herself together.
The last thing she wanted was to ruin Jenny’s first Christmas with her new husband and family with reminders about a past they’d both sooner forget than dwell on, especially on a holiday.
Life is for the living. That was what Toby would say if he were here to see her melting down over him more than fourteen years after his death.
They’d lost their grandmother a few years before he died, and when Erin said she felt guilty for rarely visiting her gravesite, that had been Toby’s reply.
He’d said their grandmother wouldn’t want them to feel guilty about not going to the cemetery, because they’d been devoted to her in life, which was what really mattered.
Erin reached for a tissue from the box on the counter and dabbed at her eyes, hoping she could get this situation under control so she wouldn’t have to reappear with red eyes.
She took a deep breath, held it for a long count and then released it.
Earlier in the day, she’d talked to her parents, who were visiting with her other grandmother for Christmas.
Over the years, they’d gotten out of the habit of making a big deal of holidays, because it was just too painful. They preferred to spend time together on regular days that weren’t so fraught with memories and regrets and family expectations.
A soft knock sounded on the door. “Er? You okay?”
Erin checked her appearance in the mirror and took another deep breath before she opened the door to Jenny, forcing a smile for her friend’s benefit. “Hey, sorry. I’m fine.”
Jenny took a careful look at Erin, tilting her head. “No, you’re not. What is it?”
“Oh, the usual holiday thing,” she said, affecting nonchalance. “I just had a little moment, but I’m fine now.”
“You don’t have to pretend with me,” Jenny said softly.
“I don’t want to ruin our lovely day.”
“You’re not ruining anything. It sneaks up sometimes when we least expect it. Happened to me last night.”
“Really?” Erin was ashamed to realize she’d assumed Jenny was so happy with Alex that she rarely thought of Toby anymore.
Jenny stepped into the room and closed the door. “I think of him every single day,” she said softly in response to Erin’s unspoken thought. “Nothing could ever change that.”
“I didn’t mean to imply—”
“Erin, honey, I know you didn’t. It’s only natural for people to think I’ve moved on with Alex.
I’m happy again, so why would I dwell on the grief of the past?
But you and I both know it’s not that simple.
” As she rested her hand over her heart, her eyes filled with tears.
“He will always be with me. Always.” Jenny cleared her throat and took the tissue Erin handed her.
“Do you remember at our wedding when Alex and I lit three candles and then the unity candle?”
“I can’t say I noticed that.”
“Well, we did, and the third candle was for Toby. Alex suggested it. He never loses sight of the fact that he got his happy ending because someone else died.”
“That’s… That’s a wonderful tribute.”
“His picture is still on the bedside table in the room I share with my husband.” She took a small step closer to Erin. “And you, my dear, darling friend, will always be my sister, no matter how many new sisters I may acquire along the way.”
“I’m a jealous cow,” Erin said, sniffing through her tears. She should’ve known Jenny would tune in to what had set her off.
Jenny laughed. “No, you’re the loyal and wonderful sister of my heart who understands my journey better than just about anyone else ever could.”
“I love Hope. She’s awesome.”
“Yes, she is, and I couldn’t be happier for her and Paul and Ethan. She’s going to be a wonderful addition to my family, but she could never take your place in my family or my heart. You’re right there next to Toby, two of the most important people in my life.”
Erin hugged her, and they clung to each other the way they had during the horrible days, weeks, months and years that followed Toby’s death. “I’m sorry to rain on your first Christmas with Alex. I’ve been a bit of a basket case lately.”
“You’re not raining on anything, and you’re not a basket case. You’re falling in love with a wonderful man, and if I know you at all, you’re fighting it tooth and nail.”
“I’m not falling in love. I’m in lust. That’s all it is.”
“Funny, that’s what I said about Alex, and now here I am with his ring on my finger and knocked up with his kid.”
Erin gasped. “Oh my God! You are? You’re pregnant?”
Smiling at her reaction, Jenny said, “Three months.”
“You didn’t tell me!”
“We haven’t told anyone, but I wanted you to know.”
Erin hugged her again. “This is such amazing news. I’m so happy for you guys.”
“Thanks, we’re thrilled. But don’t think my news gets you off the hook on falling in love. I see the way you look at him and the way he looks at you. I’ve never seen you look at anyone else the way you look at him, not even Mitch.”
“This… He… We…” Erin groaned in frustration while Jenny laughed.
“He’s got you stuttering.”
“Among other things,” Erin muttered.
“Can I give you one teeny, tiny piece of advice?”
“Can I stop you?”
Laughing, Jenny put her hands on Erin’s shoulders, compelling Erin to look at her. “When Alex and I were first together, I was a disaster. All I did was try to deny what was happening because it was too much too soon. I’d learned the hard way not to take chances, you know?”
“I know all too well.”
“But there was something about him. Something different. And he refused to let me cop out of what was happening between us.”
“Sounds like Slim.”
“Letting it happen with Alex is the best thing I’ve done since I lost Toby. I want you to find your happily ever after, too, Er. And I think he could be it.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready for all the things he could be.”
“You’re never ready for something like this, but I’d hate to see you have regrets if you wimp out and let him get away.”
“Wimp out?”
“Isn’t that what you’d be doing if you don’t at least try to make it work with him?”
“You don’t pull any punches.”
“When have I ever pulled punches? I want you to be happy, and in order for that to happen, you have to take a chance. You have to. Isn’t that what you’re always telling the women who write to you?”
“Don’t throw my own words back in my face,” Erin said, smiling.
“You know I’m right.”
They were interrupted by another knock.
“Your guy or mine?” Jenny asked. “What do you think?”
“Probably yours.”
“I say yours, but let’s find out.” Jenny opened the door to Slim and sent Erin a smug look.
“Everything all right in there, ladies?” he asked, his eyes laser focused on Erin.
“Yes, we’re good,” she said.
“Take a minute.” Jenny kissed her cheek before she left the room, patting Slim’s arm on the way by.
“Sorry,” Erin said. “I just needed a minute. I’m okay now.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah.”
With his hands propped on the doorframe, he said, “When Jenny said that to Hope about being sisters… I’ve only seen that expression on your face once before, the day Jenny married Alex at the lighthouse.”
Unnerved by his assessment, she crossed her arms. “You’re awfully insightful.”
He flashed the irrepressible grin that she found so sexy. “Pilots and bartenders, sweetheart. I’ve been telling you that for months now.”
Erin went to him, put her hands on his chest and kissed him. “Thank you for coming to check on me. Let’s go finish dinner.”
“You want to skip the McCarthys’ later?”
“Not at all. I’m fine. I promise.” She thought he would step back to let her pass, but instead, he wrapped his arms around her.
Snuggled into his warm embrace, breathing in his appealing scent, Erin relaxed ever so slightly.
He made her feel like nothing bad would happen if he continued to hold her this way. “Let’s go finish dinner.”
He kissed the top of her head and released her, but kept his hand on her back as they returned to the dining room, where the others carried on as if nothing had happened, which was exactly what she needed.
Erin loved these people. She truly did. And she was beginning to love Slim, too.