Chapter 9
nine
. . .
Rachel
Jake is still asleep when I crawl out of his bed around two o’clock in the morning, and his door is closed when I get up and leave for work at eight.
I don’t know what to think. A lot has happened in the last twenty-four hours. Between moving, the hockey game, and an epic fuck-fest, I don’t quite know what to do with myself.
So I bury myself in work. It’s almost the end of term, so I’m finalizing the exams I’ll set for my undergrads and reviewing the work my grad students are doing in the lab.
When I decided to be a nuclear physicist, I knew I’d be tied to academia to fund my research, but I didn’t realize how much the balance tilted toward teaching rather than conducting my own research. I didn’t really think it through. The scales will hopefully tilt the other direction as I move up the academia ranks, but there’s no guarantee. I don’t know if I even want to try to tenure. Probably should have before I spent thirteen years and thousands of dollars pursuing a doctoral degree.
There’s a knock on my office door frame, and I look up to see Jake looking delicious in a Grizzlies hoodie, holding two coffee cups.
“Hey,” he says, a wide smile on his face.
“Hey. I didn’t realize you knew where I worked.” I keep my tone carefully neutral so I don’t burst into an enormous grin.
In all the years together, Erik never once visited me at work.
Not that Jake and I are together . He’s a friend. My new roommate. He’s not my long-term partner in a committed relationship where I thought we both wanted the same things and I’m being strung along for six years.
Guess I’m still bitter.
When this casual fun with the gorgeous hockey player with incredible stamina is over, I might need to spend some time alone before hopping into another relationship.
“You mentioned you taught at MIT. The nuclear physics department isn’t that big here,” he teases.
It’s the largest physics department in the country.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, hiding my smile.
“Our practice facility isn’t far from here. Finished up for the day and wanted to see what you were up to.” He looks over his shoulder into the hallway, then steps forward and closes the door behind him. “I wanted to make sure we were okay.”
“We’re good, Jake.”
He sets one of the coffee cups on my desk. “You’re not weirded out? You’re not regretting moving in with me?”
“No. Not at all.” I look him over. He’s tense, his smile tight. “How about you?”
“Oh, no, I’m great. Totally great,” he lies.
Standing, I move around my desk to the set of chairs in front of it. I take one, and he sits awkwardly in the other. I reach for his hand.
“It’s okay if you’re freaked out,” I tell him. “We can talk this through.”
He fidgets. “I just—I want to know where we stand.”
“I do, too.” Last night, I thought it would just be sex. But it’s clear for him, it’s more than that.
“Listen, what I said?—”
My eyebrows go up. “What part?”
Jake flushes beet red.
“Hey. Open and honest communication. That’s what you said, right?” I nudge him. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
He takes a breath. “Okay. So. Here’s the thing.”
Oh. This is the part where he lets me down easy. This is the part where he says he had fun, thanks, but no need to repeat.
I don’t think I’ve ever come that hard in my life. He was relentless, so intensely focused on my pleasure. I’ve never experienced that kind of single-minded attention in bed.
Now that I know what I’ve been missing out on, how am I supposed to go on without it?
“Iwanttogoonadate,” Jake blurts.
I blink.
I blink again.
“I want to go on a date,” he says. “With you.”
My stomach drops. “O…kay.”
His face falls. “You don’t want that.”
My stomach churns. I want to. I do. But I also know it’s not a good idea, not right now.
“It’s not that,” I hurry to say. “I just got out of a long, toxic relationship. I don’t know that I’m ready to date.”
He looks like a kicked puppy.
Because of me. I did that to him.
Jake clears his throat, lifting his chin. “Okay. Cool. Great. I’ll ask one of my teammates to find me someone, then.”
My eyebrows go up. “Find someone?” What’s his hurry?
“The team’s holiday party is next weekend,” he says, his face still flushed. “We’re supposed to bring a date.”
Oh.
“So it’s a team function. It’s not a real date, then.”
He pauses. “Yeah. Right. Not a real date. Just a thing I have to bring a date to.”
“Well, in that case…”
His face clears. “You’ll come with me?”
I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this.
But I can’t stand the pain on his face when I said I wasn’t ready. I can’t stand the thought of hurting him more. I can’t stand the idea of not getting to experience what we shared last night.
“It’s a date,” I finally tell him.
His smile stretches ear to ear. He practically bounces out of his seat.
“Thanks, Rach,” he says, leaning over to kiss my cheek.
My face heats, and my heart starts to pound a little faster.
“What’s the dress code? What do I wear?”
Jake waves a hand. “Don’t worry about that.”
My eyes narrow. “I need to know?—”
“I’ve got it handled,” he says firmly. “Trust me, just this once.”
Jake has a game tonight, but unlike last night, he doesn’t offer me tickets. I watch it on the enormous flat screen TV, curled up in a blanket I’ve liberated from his bed. He has a road trip tonight. They’re off to New Orleans after the game.
My friend Elsy’s best friend Mitch plays for New Orleans. I could totally reach out and suggest we grab dinner and watch the game.
It feels weird, though. Jake isn’t mine . I don’t have any claim to him. It feels wrong to publicly pronounce any ties between us.
Once I find an apartment of my own, I’ll be out of his hair. We can go back to being nobody to each other.
Although… I don’t know how I’m going to give him up. Whether he wants more or not—and it certainly seems like he does—I don’t know that I’m ready to give it to him without losing myself in the process.
I don’t know who I am without Erik. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet, first.
When the hockey game ends, my phone buzzes with a text.
Were you watching? Jake’s asked.
Do you want me to watch?
I bite my lip while I wait for his reply.
Rach, I’d kill to have you at every game.
Okay, so he’s not being very subtle.
I wish I didn’t have this road trip. I’d much rather be home with you , he adds.
Going to snuggle with your roomie? Do you even have a roommate?
My phone lights up with a call.
“Hey,” he says, his voice deep and gravelly.
“Hi.” I fight back a nervous giggle. I don’t know why he makes me so awkward. I feel woefully inexperienced next to him.
“Do you want me to snuggle with Sven?” His voice dances with humor. “I think Vanessa might have a problem with it.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t want to upset her,” I tease back.
“Guess I’ll have to snuggle you when I get back.”
Exhaling slowly, I close my eyes to center myself. “Yeah. You might have to.”
There’s a commotion on the other end of the call.
“Listen, Rach…” He trails off.
“What?”
“My house is yours. You know that,” he says. “I want you to stay in my room. Sleep in my bed.”
I swallow. “You do?”
“I want to come home to you in my bed.”
There’s no second guessing. He wants this.
So why does that scare me?
And worse, why does it thrill me?
Maybe because it’s moving insanely fast , a voice that sounds like Viv says in my head.
And imaginary-Viv is probably right. There’s no way I’m ready for something like what he wants.
I guess the important question is, what do I want?
“When do you get back?” I ask.
“Late tomorrow night. Probably close to three o’clock in the morning.” He sighs. “It’s, what, a four hour flight? Yeah, that sounds right.”
“I’ll wait up for you,” I offer, even though I know I’ll be dead on my feet the next day.
“You don’t have to,” Jake says. “Knowing that you’re there, coming home to you… that’s all I want.”
“Okay,” I whisper.
“Yeah?”
“I’ll sleep in your bed.”
“Good. I’m glad.” Another loud noise on the other end. “I’ve got to go. I just wanted to check in.”
“I’m good. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” I tell him.
He exhales heavily. “Good. That makes me happy.”
Against my will, my smile stretches from ear to ear. “Me, too.”
We hang up and I putter around the house, putting away my dinner dishes, wiping down the counters, and unpacking one of my three suitcases into the guest room closet.
There. That’s a good day’s work.
I take a quick shower and crawl into Jake’s bed. He must have changed the sheets this morning because it smells fresh and clean with an undercurrent of his cologne. I inhale deeply, enveloped in his scent.
A naughty idea comes to my mind. Reaching for my phone, I check the time. He’s probably on the plane to New Orleans already.
With just the bedside light on, casting a dark shadow across the room, I whip off my pajama top and pull the sheets up to cover my chest. I fluff my hair until I get it where I want it.
And then I take a photo.
Me.
Naked.
In Jake’s bed.
And before I can second guess myself, I send it to him.
Let’s see what he has to say about that .