Chapter 15
fifteen
. . .
Rachel
Why am I fighting this? I want to like Jake. I want to let myself fall for him.
But I’ve been burned too many times. I’ve lost myself in too many guys.
It starts out small. A little corner edge here. A crease there. A tiny rip. And then the tears start getting bigger. Huge chunks get ripped away.
I don’t know who I am right now. I’m barely able to stand on my own two feet. I have a steady job, I can pay my way, but I don’t have the safety net I once did.
And Jake can’t be my safety net. I need to find it on my own.
“I want to be there when you come home,” I finally tell him. “But I also need to be an equal. I won’t be less than because you have more money and more power.”
“I have no power,” Jake says, lifting a hand.
I snort.
“I am utterly powerless when it comes to you,” he says quietly.
My stomach swoops. I want to believe him. I do . He’s saying all the right things.
“Rach, all I’ve wanted is you. Knowing you in this way… it’s a privilege. I don’t take it lightly.”
His rich brown eyes are telling me the truth, I know it deep in my soul.
So why is it so hard to trust him?
“If you meet a woman who?—”
“Not interested,” he interrupts.
“I’m just saying. If you meet someone…”
“If I meet someone, I’d say, there’s no way she could compare to you.” He cups my cheek. “I don’t care what she looks like or what size dress she wears or how many advanced degrees she has. She’s not you. ”
My heart pounds wildly in my chest. “Jake…”
“I know we just reconnected. I know it’s too soon,” he says. “The way I feel for you? That’s not going to go away.”
“It’s just a honeymoon phase. All relationships start out this way.” I chew my lip.
“Maybe. I know my own mind. And this deep, soul-crushing way I feel about you? That’s not a phase. That’s real.”
I swallow against the lump in my throat. “But…”
“I’m in this, Rach,” he says. “For however long you’ll let me, I’m in. If you want to walk away tomorrow, yeah, I might be devastated. But it would still be better than not ever having a chance with you.”
“Come home with me,” I blurt. “Come to New Hampshire.”
He gives me a crooked smile. “You want me to come meet your mom?”
“I do.” My heart flutters. “Yeah, I do.”
“You wouldn’t do that if you didn’t want to keep me,” he rationalizes as he pulls me into his arms.
“I want to keep you,” I tell him. “I don’t know how I’m going to manage it. I just know I want it.”
His smile stretches from ear to ear. “Say it again.”
“I want you,” I whisper.
Jake reaches for me, or maybe I reach for him, or maybe we both do. We meet in the middle for a desperate kiss. His tongue slips between my lips, tasting me, devouring me. I pull him close, my eager hands covering his shoulders and his chest and his perfect washboard abs.
I have no idea how I’m going to make this work. I don’t want him to be a rebound; he deserves better than that.
I do know I’m going to give it my all. He deserves that, too.
A throat clears, and I pull back to see an older guy in a suit staring disapprovingly at us. He’s maybe early forties with a touch of gray in his beard. He’s hot, in an objective way.
But he can’t compare to my guy.
“Lewis,” he says. He nods at me. “Hi.”
“McKittrick.” Jake’s voice is gravelly and deep. “What do you want?”
To my surprise, McKittrick’s poker face falls into a massive shit-eating grin. “Congrats. Not the time or the place, dude. Congratulations either way.”
My face heats. I almost forgot we were at this party. I definitely forgot we were in public.
Jake hugs me against his chest. “Thanks. Now leave us alone.”
McKittrick laughs. “Yeah, no. It’s time to sit down for dinner.”
Peering around him, I do notice people starting to take their seats.
“I’m Jason,” he says, offering me a hand.
“Rachel,” I introduce.
“McKittrick is our captain. He’s basically our team dad,” Jake says. He cocks his head. “Do women call you Daddy?”
“Fuck you,” McKittrick says with a grin. He turns to me. “Can I escort you to the table?”
Jake’s booming laugh echoes in my ear. “Not a chance.”
Taking our seats at one of the tables, we’re surrounded by Sven and Vanessa, MacGregor and Hailey, and McKittrick and Logan, who didn’t bring dates. I’m introduced to Henry, the other half of the goaltending tandem, and Jenkins, a second-year player that Jake’s mentioned briefly as a bit of a wildcard.
These are his people. His family. He’s including me, bringing me into his life.
Jake’s arm is wrapped around my shoulders as Coach Turner and ownership give speeches. He releases me only when it’s time to eat our meals.
After, when the tables are cleared, we move to the dance floor. He’s not shy about pulling me into his arms, holding me close even through the fast-paced, upbeat songs. We’re attracting some attention. He doesn’t let it bother him, so I don’t, either.
Reaching for him, I cup his cheek. Jake looks down at me with such earnestness in his eyes, it brings tears to mine.
“Hey. What’s going on?” He wipes his thumb beneath my eye.
“We’re doing this.” I still can’t believe it. “We’re really doing this.”
He leans down and brushes a soft kiss against my lips. “Yeah. We’re doing this.”
Except after a few hours, I’m starting to flag. Parties like this are fun in theory, but after a little while, I just get so overwhelmed all I want to do is curl into the fetal position in my bed.
Jake can keep going all night. That’s one of the perks of being twenty-six, I guess. When I was twenty-six, I was knee-deep in doctoral research, so I didn’t have much time for partying.
We truly live such different lifestyles. I still can’t believe he’s interested in anything to do with me.
But when he looks at me and suggests we head out… I don’t want to go anywhere without him.
Snow falls more heavily on our drive home. What should take twenty minutes is closer to forty-five. Roads are cordoned off and traffic is heavier than usual for midnight. I’m very glad all I have to do is mark some exams before my two weeks off.
“Looks like a storm is coming,” Jake says as he pulls into the parking garage. “Do you want me to drive you to campus tomorrow?”
“I’ll be fine,” I tell him.
He’s out of the car in an instant, hopping around to open my door for me.
“I didn’t ask if you would be fine. I asked if you wanted me to drive you.”
Oh.
“All I have is practice, I can drop you off, head to the rink, and swing by to pick you up after.”
I have to lean in. I have to trust myself—and him.
“That would be nice. Thank you.”
Jake grabs my hand and kisses the back of my knuckles. “It’s my pleasure.”