Chapter 6
6
Elise followed Julia through the trees, glad her sister was up front. There was a path cut into the woods, but it was overgrown, and Elise had grown used to standing behind her sister in the two years since her rescue from Manifest.
The irony wasn’t lost on her. Once upon a time, Julia had raced to catch Elise, not to mimic her or even stand beside her — Julia had never shown any interest in the kind of life Elise had once led — but to be there for the inevitable moment when Elise fell.
She’d always fallen eventually.
That’s what happened when you were propped up by rich men looking for a trophy instead of a soulmate, when you chased shallow avatars of a successful life instead of real happiness.
Elise’s therapist told her she had to find a way to let go of her shame, but Elise was still working on it. She hated the version of herself she’d once been, looked back on herself with disdain and embarrassment. That person seemed entirely divorced from the person Elise had become since her kidnapping.
But following her sister through the woods, Chief trotting at their side, she was pretty sure following in Julia’s footsteps — figuratively speaking — wasn’t the answer either.
She was glad Julia was settled and happy with Ronan and JT, but more and more, Elise was certain it wasn’t for her.
Which didn’t mean she knew what was for her. She was still figuring that out too.
Except for Finn. He was for her. She knew that for sure.
Julia looked back at her. “You okay?”
Elise nodded. “Fine.”
“There’s a river up here,” Julia said. “We can take a break there.”
They resumed walking, and Elise thought about Finn and Ronan back at the house. Julia had suggested a walk with Elise under the guise of getting some fresh air, but Elise knew it was to give Ronan and Finn time to deal with Eudorus.
They hadn’t talked about him, but he hung over their weekend together like a bad smell.
Chief barked at something up ahead, then disappeared through the trees. A moment later, Elise stepped out of the woods and into a clearing leading to a riverbank.
A narrow river wound through the trees, spilling over rocks near the bank, rushing clean in the middle.
Elise kicked off her shoes.
“It’s going to be freezing this time of year,” Julia said.
Elise shrugged and pulled off her socks. Not to be outdone, Julia followed suit.
Elise left her shoes and socks near a boulder and walked to the river’s edge where Chief was splashing, trying to catch the tiny fish that darted in the shallow water by the river bank.
The icy water bit into Elise’s skin, a not unpleasant sensation that served to energize her tired feet.
“How cold is it?” Julia asked.
“Cold, but it feels good,” Elise said, lowering herself to a large rock.
Julia sucked in her breath as her feet hit the water. “Cold might be a bit of an understatement.”
She chose another rock near the one where Elise sat.
Chief edged farther out into the water. “Not too far,” Julia called.
Chief was getting old and didn’t know it. It wouldn’t be good for her to walk back to the house soaked from the frigid water.
Chief immediately retreated to the riverbank. She paced up and down, watching the flow of the water.
“How long should we stay away?” Elise asked.
Julia looked at Elise. “That’s up to you.”
Elise didn’t like the implication. “You’re the one who wanted to take a walk.”
“Because I know how you feel about what they’re doing,” Julia said. “And so do they.”
“I haven’t said anything,” Elise said.
“You don’t have to.”
Elise turned away from her sister’s eyes and watched the water tumble over the rocks that were barely visible in the deeper part of the river. “I can’t pretend to like it.”
“No one likes it,” Julia said.
Elise looked at her. “Then why do they do it?”
Surprise crossed Julia’s features. “Okay, wow. Maybe you should define they and it .”
“Come on, Julia. You know what I’m asking,” Elise said.
“I just don’t know why you’d bring up the business now,” Julia said. “It hasn’t been a secret.”
Elise resisted the urge to get defensive. Julia was right. She’d been home for two years. Why was she getting self-righteous about MIS now?
But she knew why. It was because of Finn. Because of what it was doing to him.
She and Julia had never discussed MIS from an ethical point of view. It was, after all, because of the Murphys that Elise was alive and free. Was it fair for her to pass judgement on their tactics when it had been those same tactics that had saved her life? When those same tactics had brought about accountability to the men who had kidnapped and assaulted her, the men who had done it to countless women before her?
She didn’t know.
“I haven’t had much of a chance to consider it before now.” She’d been focused on her recovery. She’d just been grateful for a safe place to land, and she couldn’t deny that Ronan, Nick, and Declan had made her feel safe in spite of the work they did.
Or maybe because of it.
“And now you have a problem with it,” Julia said.
Elise took a deep breath. It was less about MIS and more about Finn. That was safer territory. “This is killing him,” she said softly.
They were sisters. Julia knew exactly who and what she was talking about. “It’s his choice, Elise. It’s not like Ronan forced him to find out who killed Fedir and Iryna. Finn is the one who wanted this.”
Elise looked down at her toes in the water. “That doesn’t mean it’s good for him.”
“Finn is a big boy,” Julia said. “Don’t you think he should decide what’s good for him?”
Her sister, as always, was the voice of reason. “I’m just worried about him, Jules, that’s all.”
“I get it,” Julia said. “Just don’t make it about Ronan and MIS. That’s not fair.”
Elise considered her next words carefully. “I just don’t know if it’s something I believe in.”
Julia didn’t say anything right away, and Elise knew they were in the dangerous territory of sibling judgement.
“Do you want to leave? Is that what you’re saying?” Julia asked.
“I don’t know,” Elise said. “I don’t know what I’m saying. I guess I’m just trying to figure out what’s next.”
“So this is about you and Finn,” Julia said.
Anger flared in Elise’s chest. “Why does it have to be about Finn? Can’t it just be about me? About what I want?”
Julia’s features softened. “Of course. I just…”
“What? Go ahead and say it.” Elise knew exactly what her sister was thinking.
“I just know you, El. I know how you get wrapped up in people,” Julia said.
“In men, you mean,” Elise said. “Like Mom.”
“Okay, in men. But not like Mom. Never like Mom,” Julia said.
“Am I ever allowed to change?” Elise asked, aware that her voice was rising. “Or will you always see me as the person I was when I was dumb and twenty-one?”
Julia flinched, then nodded. “You’re right. Now I’m the one not being fair. You have changed, you have grown.”
“Thank you,” Elise said. It felt like an important acknowledgment, one Elise needed from someone like Julia, someone who’d known her before her kidnapping.
She hadn’t been aware she needed to hear it, but maybe she had.
“You’re worried about Finn,” Julia said. “Well, I’m worried about you okay?”
“I’m finally well enough to think about the big picture, to ask myself hard questions about who I am and what I want,” Elise said. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
Julia nodded, but her eyes were sad. “I’m being selfish. I don’t want to lose you.”
Elise shook her head. “You’re never going to lose me, Jules. We’re sisters. I just…” She drew in a breath. “I just need to figure out the kind of life I need to be happy, and I’m not sure this is it. You know?”
“I do,” Julia said. “Just promise me you’ll remember that Finn isn’t like Ronan. He won’t stay.”
“This isn’t about him.” She hesitated, wanting to be honest, with Julia and with herself. “It’s not all about him anyway. I’ve spent the last two years just trying to survive, and it’s not like I had any idea what to do with myself before that. I haven’t even had a chance to ask myself what I want.”
“Then you should do that.” Julia reached for her hand and looked in her eyes. “Just do yourself a favor and make sure it’s something that works without Finn.”