Chapter 24
24
Two days after the meeting with Farrell Black, they arrived in Rome. Elise had been surprised when Finn informed her they would stay at one of the Murphy’s apartments there, when he hadn’t tried to send her home or talk her out of going.
Part of it had been the message from the terrifying man named Farrell Black when he’d let them know the meeting with Nico was on: bring the woman.
Elise might have been scared if not for the fact that Ronan had asked why, and Farrell had expanded on the sentiment with five short words: Nico has an American wife.
Elise wasn’t thrilled about the idea of making small talk with an American mob wife, but then again, these days she wasn’t exactly a skilled conversationalist with anyone outside the family.
She was surprised to see a red Ferrari waiting on the tarmac in place of the usual black SUV. Finn looked at Ronan with raised eyebrows.
Ronan shrugged, his eyes hidden behind aviators. “When in Rome…”
Finn insisted Elise take shotgun while he folded himself into the tiny space that passed for a backseat. The car started with a purr, then turned into a jet engine when Ronan accelerated out of the charter terminal.
It was ridiculously indulgent, but Elise had to admit it was fun to careen around corners, to feel her stomach drop as Ronan sped up on a dime, like riding a roller coaster with amazing scenery.
The apartment was incredible, an immaculately decorated penthouse steps from the Piazza Fontanella Borghese. Finn had looked shocked when they stepped into the high-ceilinged living room with deep crown moldings, tasteful furniture, and illuminated artwork.
Elise knew her sister had money, knew Ronan and his brothers had made it killing people, that Nick had become an expert at hiding it and investing it, international real estate being his investment of choice.
But she hadn’t expected something so lavish.
Ronan went to make a call while Elise and Finn explored the apartment, which included four bedrooms with gorgeous en suite bathrooms, a balcony that overlooked the Corso, a library, and a rooftop terrace with a 360 degree view of the city.
“This is wild,” Elise said as they stood on the terrace looking out over the city.
“It’s… a lot,” Finn said without looking at her.
It didn’t sound judgmental, but knowing Finn — and she did feel like she knew him — he was probably grappling with the fact that his brothers could afford this kind of luxury. The Murphys gave a lot of money to charity — a lot — but the kind of lifestyle embodied by the penthouse probably felt vulgar to someone like Finn, who’d spent most of his adult life traveling to places where people struggled to put food in their mouths and a roof over their heads.
It was all so complicated: the truth of what the Murphys did for a living, the money they earned doing it. Were they justified in doing what the justice system wouldn’t? In spending their money to live comfortably and protect themselves against an uncertain future when so many people in the world suffered?
Elise didn’t have the answers, and she was tired of trying to find them. The Murphys weren’t responsible for all the world’s problems or for solving them, and neither was Elise.
Wasn’t everyone doing the best they could with the circumstances they had? Couldn’t it be enough to try and do the most right thing in any given situation?
She wanted to talk about it with Finn, to hear how he felt about it all, but this wasn’t the right time. They had enough on their plates without trying to tackle all of the world’s inequities. Maybe when this was all over, when Achilles — Cromwell — had paid for his crimes, she and Finn could do something to make the world a better place.
She was immediately embarrassed by the thought. What could she, a formerly self-involved Millennial with no college degree, do to help the world?
It was too big a question, for now at least. She should start with something smaller, like talking to Finn about their future together.
She turned toward him. “We’re in Rome.”
He bent to kiss her. “We’re in Rome.”
“What do you want to do?” she asked.
He looked out over the city. It was a beautiful May day, the sun shining, the air warm enough to go without a jacket. “Ronan probably has work today, and tomorrow we meet with Nico. You up for exploring?”
She slipped her hand into his. “With you? Always.”
They left a note for Ronan and slipped out into the city.
The next few hours passed in a happy blur of cobblestone streets, bubbling fountains, elaborately constructed churches, and two scoops of gelato.
Elise wasn’t scared once, not with Finn by her side. She felt liberated, and she drank from the cup of Rome’s beauty like a starving woman served a five-course meal.
When night fell they ate dinner on the roof of a tiny restaurant called I Sofà, white lights twinkling in the greenery that wound around the terrace’s pillars, the city lit like a masterpiece around them.
They gorged themselves on flakey pastry bites filled with smoked salmon, buffalo mozzarella with tomatoes that tasted like summer, and perfectly al dente pasta with tender swordfish and pecorino cheese.
It was the best food she’d ever eaten, but as the meal wore on, her mood started to sink. She’d had such a perfect day with Finn. She wanted more of them.
Wanted a forever of them.
Looking at him sitting across from her, his eyes shining in the candlelight from their table, it felt like everything in the world was possible. She knew Julia was right, that she needed to believe that was true even without Finn, but the thing was, she didn’t want it to be without him.
She thought of Julia’s words in the car at Heathrow.
You’re the strongest person I know. You can do anything.
She’d almost believed it when Julia said it. Could she keep believing it? Could she believe it even without Finn? Believe it enough to build the future she wanted for herself even if it meant building it alone?
I believe in you, but that’s not good enough. It’s time for you to believe in you too.
She could. She would.
She tried to smile through dessert — chantilly cream with sweet biscuits and ricotta mousse with pears — tried to believe that whatever happened, she would be okay.
Alone or with Finn, she would be happy.
It was late by the time they staggered back out onto Rome’s illuminated streets, but it was still fairly crowded, everyone enjoying the warmer weather, sitting next to the fountains and walking hand in hand through the city’s quaint narrow side streets.
Finn took her hand and she leaned on his arm as they walked in silence toward the Tiber.
They made their way along the stone path running next to the river, then ascended the stairs leading to one of the arched bridges. It was like being in a movie, the old street lamps turning the stone gold, casting a blanket of shimmering topaz onto the water meandering below.
They stopped and looked over the edge, the silence between them filling with tension.
“Something you want to talk about, El?” Finn asked softly.
She swallowed the lump that had risen in her throat, forced herself to breathe through the uncertainty expanding in her chest. Whatever came next, she would know. She would know if Finn wanted to be with her the way she wanted to be with him, would start to have a picture of what her future might look like.
She tried to find the best way to begin, then finally settled on the truth that had been constricting her heart. “You haven’t asked me to come with you,” she said softly.
He inhaled sharply next to her. “No.”
She turned to look at him, dread thrumming in her veins. Even now, he wasn’t rushing to correct her, wasn’t rushing to ask her. “Why?”
“At first it was because I didn’t think you wanted to leave Boston, because I didn’t think you wanted to come with me.”
She was mortified to feel tears sting her eyes. She blinked them back.
“When did I say I didn’t want to come with you, Finn?” She hadn’t intended for it to come out so loud, almost a shout, an accusation, but all the worry and frustration she’d kept bottled up erupted from her throat without her permission.
He flinched, as surprised by the outburst as she was.
“You didn’t ask.” She stared at him. “You didn’t ask, Finn.”
She walked away, not sure she could control her emotions much longer.
“El, wait!” She heard his footsteps on the stone behind her, then felt his hand on her arm. “Please, let me explain.”
She turned to face him. “You don’t have to explain. We agreed in the beginning there would be no promises, that you would leave and we would part as friends. I just… I didn’t expect to feel this way about you, that’s all.”
They’d confessed to loving each other, but this was about more than love. People loved lots of other people in their lifetime, but how many of those people stayed? How many of those people did you want to stay?
“I didn’t expect it either.” He took her hands. “I’ve wanted to ask you for a long time.”
“Then why haven’t you?” She wasn’t sure she believed it. Wasn’t that what someone said when they didn’t know what else to say? When they were put on the spot?
“At first, I didn’t want to pressure you. Then I didn’t want you to think I was the one who felt pressured. And then…”
“Then?”
“Then all this shit happened. The stuff at the mountain house and the Boxgrove gala and now this thing with Nico. I wanted you to know that I want you with me. I wanted to make sure you knew it was the only thing on my mind, that I wasn’t asking you lightly, that I wasn’t asking because I felt pressured to ask. But I also didn’t want you to feel pressured and…” He dragged a hand through his hair and her heart softened at the torment in his eyes. “I’ve been trying to get it right, trying to do everything the right way for you and for me. But El… I want you to come with me when this is all over. I don’t know where we’ll go or what we’ll do, but I want to do it together. So will you? Come with me?”
His eyes were pleading. She knew he meant it, but she also knew the conversation wasn’t over, that it couldn’t be over until she said the hardest thing of all.
“I want to go with you, but… I’m not like you, Finn. I’m not fearless. I can’t promise I won’t get scared, and I can’t promise that I won’t slow you down.” She swallowed the emotion clogging her throat. “I’m better, but I’m not how I used to be. I don’t know if I’ll ever be how I used to be.”
He pulled her into his arms. “I don’t want you how you used to be. I want you the way you are, El. Right here, right now. I don’t need to go fast. In fact…” He hesitated, and she sensed he was about to say something important, something real. “I’m starting to think I’ve been going too fast for too long, hiding and running.”
She pulled away to look up at him. “Hiding and running from what?”
He looked into her eyes. “From everything. My mom’s cancer and Erin and the way she died and how empty my family felt afterward. It was easier to leave it all behind, but I know now that was a coward’s way out, and I know that because of you.”
She couldn’t hide her surprise.“Because of me?”
He nodded. “You stayed. You faced what happened to you, went to therapy, did scary things even when you were terrified. You dealt with it.” He swallowed. “It’s time I did the same. So let’s go slow, El. Let’s go someplace new and stay there until we know every street and every shop, until I’ve stopped running and you’re ready for something new.” He smoothed the hair back from her face. “I just want to be with you.”
She smiled up at him, hardly daring to believe the words were true but believing them anyway. “I want to be with you too.”
A grin washed over his face. “You do?”
“Why else would I make an ass of myself like this?”
He laughed and held her face in his hands. “I’m the ass, but I’m the ass who loves you, who wants to be with you.”
She tightened her arms around his waist. “It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.”
Then they laughed together.
Finn lowered his head and touched his lips to her. Their past was in the kiss, everything that had brought them to this moment, but their future was in it too.
Heat rose between them as Finn’s tongue grew more urgent against her own, the kiss deeper and more frenzied as their need for each other grew.
When they pulled away, they were both breathing hard, Finn’s eyes feverish with desire. “Let’s get out of here.”