Chapter 4 E.T. PHONE HO #2
Chet turned to look at them from over his shoulder. “Now I’m curious, too. You don’t usually turn quite that shade of crimson when she needles you for details.”
Sally rolled her eyes, giving him a look. “Thanks, Chet.”
“Welcome!” He grinned cheekily, waving his spatula.
Sally poured her coffee, face still flushed, as she studiously ignored Lou’s pointed stare. Lou pouted, batting her eyelashes.
“Sallyyyyyy.”
“No.”
“Pleeaaaassseeee???”
“NO.”
“You got to listen to me and my boyfriend have very good sex this morning, but I don’t get to know about your wet dream? Come on, that ain’t fair!”
Sally silently stirred sugar into her cup and took a bracing sip. She gave Lou a side-eyed glance, watching her friend practically pee her pants trying to hold herself back from shaking Sally silly. Sally’s lips twitched into a tiny smile.
“I SEE THAT SMILE! Yer havin’ a go at me! Ohhh, you’re so mean in the mornin’!”
Sally laughed, “Well you’re an easy mark before coffee, so I’ve gotta get my fun in somehow!”
They sat at the table, waiting for Chet to appear with food. Llewellyn tapped the table in impatience.
“Well?!?!”
Sally flushed once more, but finally told her friend, “I got fucked by the Xenomorph Queen…”
Lou let out a shriek of excited laughter, slapping at her knee. “Tell me more! Tell me more!”
Sally leaned in conspiratorially, “…and Predator.”
Lou’s eyes went wide with surprise while Chet made an appreciative noise and delivered a plate of breakfast burritos.
The cowboy waggled his eyebrows and grinned at Sally as she watched him sit down a trifle gingerly.
Before Sally could say anymore about her dream, or comment on Chet’s delicate ass, Tracy banged on the door.
“Let me in, you weirdos! I smell Chet’s cookin’ and I’m hongry!”
Lou scooted up to let Tracy in, telling her instantly, “You’re just in time! Sally was about to tell us about her dream gettin’ railed by aliens!”
Tracy grinned as she joined them at the table. “Sal, did you get Eiffel-Towered by ET? Does this officially make you a U-F-Ho now?”
Sally groaned, “Tracy, it is too early for puns! At least let me have my coffee first!”
“It’s never too early for puns! Well go on, I want to hear about this!”
“Alright, look, all I’ll say is that the Xenomorph Queen and Predator were there. It started with me gettin’ railed by the Queen and ended with them fighting over who got to do the railing!”
Everybody looked at her expectantly.
“OH MAH GAHD, FINE! Predator had like 4 dick-heads in one and the Xenomorph had, erm…” Sally made a gesture mimicking the infamous tiny, secondary Xenomorph mouth. “…only it were down there, if you know what I’m sayin’.”
“Talk about ‘eatin’ out’!” Chet muttered, grinning.
They all shrieked with laughter and Tracy popped up from the table, grabbed the laptop from its usual spot and brought it back with her. She flipped it open and brought up Sally’s dating page.
“Now I want to see how many of these fellers have a dick like the ones in yer dream, Sally!”
Sally almost choked on her burrito. “How d’you know my login?!”
“You forgot to log out that first night we set it up,” Lou put in, a mischievous glint in her eye. “So I changed it so you couldn’t check yer inbox without us!”
“Plus you’ve only got like 1 login that you use fer everythin’, Sal,” Tracy said, giving her friend a look.
“I do not!”
Tracy and Lou looked at each other.
“Was it BroncHo1234 or EZRider4321?” Tracy asked Lou.
“BroncHo1234,” Lou replied.
Sally threw up her hands. “I have officially lived with y’all for far too long!” She tapped the table for a moment, before grumpily asking, “What’d you change it to?”
Tracy’s mouth twitched as Lou replied with a completely straight face, “Slut4ET6969.”
“Oh mah gahd,” Sally buried her face in her hands, unsure whether to laugh or cry, or both.
“Holy shit, Sal! You’ve got 352 messages!” Tracy’s eyes were huge as she spun the screen around to show her friends.
All four friends leaned in and someone let out an appreciative whistle.
“Well hot damn!” Lou said. “What’s it been, like, a week since we put this thang up?”
“Barely!” Sally said, scrolling through her inbox. “Maybe I should download the app…Jaysus, look at ‘em all!”
“Are there dick pics?!” Tracy leaned so far over trying to check that her shirt’s chest fringe landed in Chet’s burrito.
“Tracy, come on, not in ma’ food!” Chet complained.
Tracy flushed, sitting herself back down and carefully cleaning herself off. “Sorry, Chet! I got excited!”
“Well, how about it, Sal? We’re runnin’ early today. Give us a preview?”
“Alright, alright, fine! Should I just…start from the first one??”
“YES!” Tracy practically hollered. “Let’s see ‘em all!”
Sally navigated to the first message sent and began to read out loud from the Central United Network Transmission System.
“Hold up, is their acronym CUNTS?!” Chet broke in before Sally could start in.
“Apparently, yes.”
“Incredible! Now shush!” Lou said, smacking at Chet’s arm lightly.
“Ok, message 1, from… well, from Bob, I guess:
Hello Red Earth Female!
I am Bob! This is not my real name, but my real name cannot be pronounced in your language. I was told ‘Bob’ was an appropriate substitute, so I hope this suffices.
Your coloring is quite pleasing! I do not know if we share the same visual spectrum, but if we do, my coloring would be called ‘purple’ in your language. Although we do not seem to have many physical similarities at first glance, I, too, have limbs and a body! Albeit, many more limbs than you.
I seek a female interested in tentacles, who enjoys water sports, and would be willing to host my young in her midsection until they are ready to crawl out and explore the world—
Yeah, no, I ain’t down for whatever ‘water sports’ entails, or YOUNG CRAWLING OUT OF MY MIDSECTION, Christ on a cracker!”
“Oh mah gahd, hellz no! Next!” Lou said as Tracy practically cried with horrified mirth.
“Message 2 is from someone called ‘Artax Glover’—”
“Wait, wait! Is there a picture of Bob?!” Tracy asked, still laughing hysterically.
“Oh! Yeah, sorry, they’ve all got profile pics.” Sally spun the computer, showing a profile photo of a purple, amorphous blob sporting eye-stalks and multiple drippy tentacles.
“BOB THE BLOB!” Tracy shouted, hooting even louder!
“That critter’s gonna be some D’n’D player’s wet dream,” Chet added casually. “Literally!”
Tracy had to cover her face in a napkin, she was laughing so hard. A muffled,“I’m gonna have to re-do my makeup!”, came from between her hands. When she could finally breathe again, she motioned for Sally to keep going.
“Right, so! Artax Glover…
Greetings Earth Female!
I am called ‘Artax’. A rough translation of my name to your language would be ‘likes to punch things hard’, which is true! I enjoy punching quite a lot! Though I should note that I only punch other beings with their consent.
I do not seek an Earth Female for punching, though if you also enjoy punching things, I would enjoy punching things together!
I seek an Earth Female because the other thing I enjoy is fucking, which I am hopeful that you enjoy as well!
My needs are quite simple: punching and fucking!
It might be helpful if you are also a qualified medical professional, since my favorite punching sport, Jong Ball, has become quite popular on WLN269, and games are frequent. I would not want to bleed on you while we fuck!
Lord in heaven!” Sally broke in, looking up from the letter, her brows squinched. “I mean, he’s jacked enough and would probably be enthusiastic, but I don’t think I could more than the once!”
She spun the screen so they could see the shirtless green humanoid absolutely covered in muscular physique.
Two tiny green droopy antennae sprouted from his forehead and his eyes were enormous and almond shaped with orange pupils.
He stood posed in a fighting stance, loose silky-looking shorts around his midsection.
“Oh he’s yummy in the bod, though!” Tracy put in, eating up the alien form displayed before her. “Dick pics?”
“Hmmm, none on his profile, but—oh my, yep, he sent one! I’ll start the download.”
“Does he look familiar to you?” Chet asked, swinging the screen in his direction. “Like from an anime or something?”
Llewellyn leaned over, taking another look. “OH MAH GAHD, it’s that green guy from that cartoon with the dragon balls!”
Chet started laughing. “My lordt, you’re right, Lou! It’s Piccolo! Or, in this case, maybe we better call him Dickolo!”
“Y’all are terrible and also I don’t know what that is,” Sally put in. “Moving on! Message 3 is from ‘Ipbert Jingnax’:
Hello Earth Female do you enjoy eating I enjoy eating may we eat together I wish to put things in my eating orifice and perhaps you do as well—
This guy is one huge run-on sentence, y’all, but that’s the gist of it. He likes food and that seems to be it.”
“I mean, same,” Chet said as Sally spun the photo of the chubby, mouth-full, alien creature. “But at least I have class.”
“That you do, baby,” Lou kissed him on the cheek, patting his thigh reassuringly.
“At least these are easy to weed out,” Tracy said. “Though Sally, you should keep that boxing guy on there. He’d appreciate your Judo skills.”
“That’s true,” Sally said, flipping to the next one. “Ok, this one is from—” she snorted.”— ‘Halex Nugget’. This guy’s got restin’ jerk face!”
She spun the computer.
“Oh, a cyclops!” Tracy said, leaning forward for a better look. “What’s he say?”
Sally cleared her throat before reading:
“Earth Female,
Your physical form seems adequate for my purposes. Would you like to breed?”
She stopped speaking.
“Wait, was that it??” Tracy asked.
Sally snorted, “That’s it!”
“Good lord! And here I thought these guys would be better than Earth’s males!”
“Just goes to show,” Lou put in, “Guys are guys the universe over!”
“You ain’t wrong,” Sally said. “But I’m willin’ to give them at least a partial benefit of the doubt, considering language and cultural barriers, plus them bein’ all by their lonesome up there for how many years now?
Some of these fellers clearly have some rough edges, but there’s got to be a couple in there worth talkin’ to… ”
“And fuckin’,” Tracy finished for her.
Sally grinned. “Fine, yes, and fuckin’.”
“Download the app and read some more to us at lunch?” Lou asked brightly.
Sally looked contemplatively at the now 365 messages unread in her inbox. One alien to fuck for every day of the year, her brain offered helpfully. She didn’t mind the sound of that.
“You know what? I think I will!”
???