Chapter 17 Zhuri
seventeen
Zhuri
Ican’t find Cameron anywhere.
I’ve been running around the halls for ten minutes trying to locate him. We said we were going to talk about the team after today’s practice, but I can’t do that when I don’t know where he is.
I round the corner and spot Sidney, Nico, and Wes about halfway down.
“Hey,” I say, moving closer to them as they turn around. “Have you seen Cameron?”
“You can’t find him?” Wes asks.
“No,” I shake my head. “I’ve been looking around for a while with no luck.”
Sid rubs his neck sheepishly. “His dad called him after practice…”
Nico sighs. “Of course he fucking did.”
“I know where you’ll find him,” Sid says. “Follow me.”
He leads me through the halls to a part of the rink I’ve never seen.
Probably because the signs say Authorized Personnel Only.
“Should we be back here?” I ask hesitantly.
Sidney laughs lightly. “This is the only way you’ll find him.” We come to a stop in front of a ladder. “Here.”
I look at him in surprise. “I’m supposed to climb this?”
“Cam’s hiding place is up in the arena rafters,” he shrugs. “Has been since he came to Denver.”
“Cool,” I say, suddenly very grateful that I don’t have a fear of heights.
I go to start climbing up, but Sidney places his hand on my arm to stop me. “He’ll be okay, but he might need someone to talk to.”
I give him a reassuring smile. “I can do that.”
With that, he lets me go, turning around to exit while I climb the black metal ladder.
When I get to the top, I glance around and find Cameron on the far end.
I decide to make my presence known so I don’t scare him off the rafters. I don’t really want his death on my conscience.
“I was told I might find you up here.”
Cameron startles slightly, looking at me as I walk over to him. “Sidney?”
I nod. “I couldn’t find you, and we were supposed to talk about the team after practice. He told me you come up here.”
“I forgot about that,” he sighs. “Just needed to get away for a bit.”
“Want some company?”
There was a time when this wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have wanted to talk to him, and he sure as hell wouldn’t want me around when he’s upset.
“Yeah.” Cameron pats the spot next to him, so I slide in and let my legs dangle over the edge beside his. “Company might be nice.”
“Everything okay?” I ask, not giving away that I know he’s here because of his dad. I won’t press him to talk about that if he doesn’t want to.
“Just like usual,” he shrugs.
“You seem really upset. Do you often feel like that?”
He laughs derisively. “It would be easier to ask when I don’t feel like that.” My concern is immediate, and I know it’s written all over my face. “Told you I wasn’t who you thought I was, Hart.”
“I’m really starting to see that.” I place my hand on his shoulder gently. “I know we spent a long time hating each other, so you have no reason to believe me, but I promise you can trust me. If you want to talk about anything, I’ll listen.”
Cameron looks at me appreciatively. “I don’t know if I want to get into everything right now.”
“That’s okay,” I assure him. “You don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want to.”
He raises his eyebrow. “Do you want to sit here in silence?”
I shrug. “If you want. Or I can talk so you have something else to occupy your mind.” He nods, and I decide now that I’ll be the one to start opening up. Cameron is my co-captain, and I want us to have a solid relationship, on and off the ice. “Did I tell you why Jack and I broke up?”
“You said that he wanted to date someone more his speed.”
“That’s what I tell people. He didn’t use those words, but they summed up what he was really saying.
I was drafted by the Dragons when he started with the LA Leopards, but he told me that I shouldn’t sign my contract.
That I should actually just stay home for the family we’d have one day, since someone would need to take care of the kids. ”
“What the fuck?” His head snaps in my direction. “You told him to fuck himself, right?”
“Hell yes,” I laugh. “I was nineteen and just literally got drafted to my dream job. I wasn’t giving that up for anything, especially a man I’d only been seeing for a year.
He also knew, though, that I wouldn’t want to do that.
I’m not going to have kids. Female athletes don’t have the luxury of having kids without giving up our entire careers.
It’s not like we’d only need time off after the birth; women can’t play while pregnant at all.
That’s basically an entire year gone, and that’s too much time off.
You don’t come back to the same level. Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I worked my ass off to get where I am, and I don’t want kids to ruin that. ”
“That isn’t selfish, Zhuri.” Cameron spins now, crossing one leg in front of him while the other is still draped over the side of the rafters. “And if it is selfish, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. Based on what you’re saying, you’d end up resenting any kids you had.”
“I would. I absolutely adore my niece, but that’s the closest I’ll come to kids. My career is more than enough to keep me happy.”
“I fucking hate Jack,” he breathes. “He’s even more of a prick than I realized.”
“I learned a lot, at least. I learned that I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve, and I won’t change my priorities for anyone.”
“That’s a good thing,” he hums.
He stares at a spot somewhere behind me, still facing me but not actually looking at me. He seems to be deep in thought, and I can feel all of the unease just radiating off of him.
Finally, he sighs before focusing back on me.
“I got a call from my dad after practice.”
“Did he say something?”
“All he does is fucking say something,” he chides. “My dad is tough to get along with. We don’t share many of the same views, if any at all.”
“What does that mean?” I ask, giving Cameron my undivided attention.
He seems to be deciding whether or not he actually wants to tell me, but he eventually does.
“The easiest way to sum up Ivor Kova?i? would be that he’s a bigot.
He doesn’t have any progressive views. He grew up a Roman Catholic in Croatia, so he hides behind his religion. He’s very stuck in his ways.”
“I’m going to assume he’s been upset about the new team. It also seems like you might be alluding to him having a specific reason to really dislike Theo and me being on the team.”
“Smart girl,” he chuckles.
“So why do you still talk to him?”
“I owe my entire career to him.” Cameron scrubs his hand down his face to compose himself. “He invested everything he had in me so I could be the player I am today. I wouldn’t be here right now without that.”
“You owe him nothing,” I assert. “He invested in you because he’s your father, and you don’t owe your parents for how they decided to raise you.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t think it works like that.”
“Cameron,” I say gently, meeting his heavy eyes. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he says dismissively. “This is all shit I’ve heard before.”
“That’s not what I mean.” I take a deep breath. “Are you okay? Like, mentally?”
“I have to be.”
“No, you don’t. What’s going on behind closed doors? Are you still okay, or are you completely shutting down?”
One thing I’ve been good at is reading people’s emotions, and right now, I can see that Cameron has demons he’s struggling to fight.
He lets out a loud sigh before peeling his gaze from mine. “I shut down. I’m hardly functional. I’ve been told my entire life that I’m not enough, and I need to do more. Do better. That shit fucks with your head.”
I take Cameron’s hand, lacing our fingers together to ground him. “How do you cope?”
“Whiskey,” he laughs darkly. “I pour some whiskey and just let the darkness take over my mind. I drink until I’m numb to just how hollow I feel.”
“Have you been seen for depression?”
He scoffs at the idea. “I’m not depressed. Men don’t get depressed. Men keep everything together and treat the hard times with alcohol.”
“Did you learn that from your father?”
“Yeah,” he whispers. “You can’t be a man if you can’t handle your own mind.”
I place my free hand on his cheek. “Look at me, Cameron.” He finally meets my eyes again.
“That is not true. Depression doesn’t discriminate based on fucking gender.
It doesn’t make you less of a man to need treatment for your mental health.
Living in darkness isn’t healthy, and you shouldn’t be forced to believe that it’s okay or normal. ”
“I just…” Cameron starts before trailing off. “I want his approval. It’s fucking pathetic, but I’m goddamn desperate for it. For him to just be fucking proud of everything I’ve accomplished. I’m going on thirty years old, and I still crave it like I’m a child.”
“It’s okay to want that,” I assure him. “But you should be proud of yourself. You’ve had an incredible NHL career, and you just trusted somebody enough to open up about how you’re feeling. That’s a good thing.”
“I’m not sure it feels like a good thing.”
“Because your entire life you’ve been told it isn’t.” I give him a reassuring smile. “That won’t change with one heart-to-heart with your former enemy/current teammate. Therapy would be extremely beneficial, though.”
“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “I don’t know if I’m ready to consider that.”
“Then promise me something.”
He cocks his eyebrow. “What?”
“Promise me that the next time you’re struggling in the darkness, you’ll come to me. You’ll call me. You don’t have to face everything alone.”
For the first time since I found him up in the rafters, Cameron gives me a genuine smile, dimples popping at the corners of his mouth. “I promise. Thank you for caring, Zhuri.”
“You don’t need to thank me for caring. You deserve to feel happiness, Cam. Everyone does.”
His smile changes now, morphing into something more akin to disbelief mixed with gratitude. His voice is soft as he speaks. “You’ve never called me Cam before.”
I feel heat flood my cheeks. “I guess I haven’t. But I like to think we’re on our way to a friendship.”
“I’d really like that, Z.”
It’s also the first time he’s called me Z.
Our relationship has been flipped on its head, and I’m so glad it was.
Because of this, Cameron now has someone he can confide in when the darkness becomes too much.
After everything his father has instilled in him, he really fucking deserves that.