Chapter 37
Jake
It’s been over two weeks now since I kissed Scarlett on her porch stairs and I can’t help but wonder if that tiny act of selfishness fucked everything up.
I mean, I guess it isn’t like we were close friends before, but that weekend when she stayed here felt like we were getting somewhere.
Gone were the nicknames. We fit well together.
Her baking, my cooking. The way she was with Henrietta.
It’s like I didn’t know what I could be missing until she was gone.
Now I ache for her in a way I didn’t know I could.
I was convinced that last Sunday's family dinner would be our first and last but apparently Amelia is serious about it this time. She and Cami will be here any minute. I’ve got a casserole in the oven, supposedly Amelia is bringing dessert, and I am struggling to focus on anything to get ready for them to be here.
All I can think about is Scarlett. Or the lack thereof.
A part of me has felt depleted since she went home that night two weeks ago.
Missing something I never really had. I mean, Jesus.
I’ve had relationships last longer than the time Scarlett spent here and when they were over I felt as if life just went back to normal.
God, that makes me sound like a psychopath but it’s true.
Now this woman comes and spends two days at my house and I’m over here feeling like someone just kicked my puppy.
It’s making me feel off-kilter. Which is honestly pissing me off.
In true Cami fashion, the door swings open and she gives me her usual greeting, “Hi Uncle Jake, Bye Uncle Jake.” Before I can utter a word back, she’s gone.
Off to see Henrietta. Her connection and need to see that damn goat every time she’s over here, is potentially how I feel about Scarlett.
But do I run over there and bust her door down and make her see me?
No. I’m an adult. I have to play it cool. Such a stupid fucking phrase.
Amelia comes in to see the door wide open, just like last week and sighs.
She knows Cami is gone this time and there’s no point in trying to reprimand her.
There’s a tray in her hand and she holds it up saying, “I brought your favorite.” After shutting the door with her foot she walks over to the kitchen table and sets down her things.
Removing the aluminum foil from the tray she beams as she says, “it’s those salted caramel brownies I make. ”
“Thanks,” I mutter, the fact that those are my favorite, not doing much to alter my sour mood.
“You’re welcome,” she says in a mocking, deep grumpy voice.
“That’s not what I sound like,” I insist.
“You’re right, let me try again,” she clears her throat and then says, “you’re welcome,” in a childish voice.
I roll my eyes, anger still building in my chest. It feels like a bomb that could go off at any minute and to be honest, the longer I feel this way the more pissed off it makes me.
It’s a cycle that doesn’t look like it has an ending.
Like getting stuck in one of those stupid fucking city roundabouts.
Just going around and around in a circle, not knowing when to get out of it.
Not that I’ve done that. In several years.
I take a stance in front of the patio door, watching Cami play with Henrietta again.
“Alright, let me start over,” Amelia says, her tone slightly cautious.
“How was your day today?” She sounds all bright and cheery and it rubs against my foul mood in a way that makes me physically react.
I roll my shoulders, trying desperately to break up the tension in my own body.
I’m physically uncomfortable just being in this room right now but I have to suck it up in the name of family.
“It was fine. I woke up, got dressed, skipped breakfast, drove down to the farmer’s market and sold all of my recent soaps so I have to make more this week.” My tone is flat and damn it, I’m even more annoyed that I can’t shake off this feeling.
“That sounds like a good thing,” Amelia says gently and places her hand on my arm.
Her touch feels like a burn under my skin and it takes everything I have not to physically shake her off of me.
As much as Amelia and I like to bust each other’s balls, she knows me better than anyone and knows when it’s not the time. “You ok?” she asks.
I sigh and pull myself from the window. Sitting in the chair at the kitchen table I decide there’s no way I’m surviving this dinner with this feeling in my chest and I might as well spill it because she already knows I’m in a mood.
“You know, this is all your fault.” That may not have been the best start but it flies out of my mouth before I can think it over.
Thankfully, Amelia doesn’t get defensive or yell, she just furrows her brow and sits down across from me.
She takes two of the biggest brownies on the tray and hands me one.
I bite into it and mutter, “fuck that’s good.
” Something about the gooey sweet caramel and the coarse salt on top of it is just a perfect combination.
Add in that Amelia handed me a corner piece which crunches in my mouth somehow relieves the tiniest portion of anger in my chest. I begin again, “You said something the other day about wouldn’t I want that,” without looking I point at the door to where Cami and Henrietta play on the other side.
“Oh, Jake,” she says but I shake my head, willing her to stop before I chicken out of saying what I really want to say.
“The fact is that I still don’t know what I want when it comes to kids.
But I’ve thought about what you said all week and this fucking longing has built up inside of me and I don’t know what to do about it.
” I spit out the last of the sentence as if the words burn my tongue.
Talking about my feelings has never been easy for me.
“A longing for what?” Amelia asks. Her voice is tender and briefly, I wonder if this is how she is with her patients.
“That’s the thing, I don’t even fucking know.” I lie.
Amelia clasps her hands together on the table top while I grab for another brownie.
“Ok, so you have a longing, and it started after I mentioned wanting a kid, but you’re not sure that it’s a kid you want.
You know, that conversation also had to do with a snow white beauty next door. ” Her smirk is back.
I let my shoulders fall and I sink back into the wooden chair. “It’s absurd for me to miss her when she was never mine.”
“You can absolutely miss the idea of a relationship with someone though. Hell, even if you don’t miss the person you can mourn a relationship ending.
Did something happen between you two?” I bristle at the question.
This was a mistake, starting this conversation, trying to talk about my feelings was a colossal mistake.
I feel my face beginning to get warm and I just know that I’m blushing.
Quickly, I stand up and just as I do I’m saved by the bell.
The timer on the oven goes off and I busy myself with checking on the casserole.
“Don’t you think I didn’t notice that,” Amelia says with a wicked smile. She follows me into the kitchen, contorting her body so she can see my face, which I’m trying to hide, as I pull out the piping hot casserole from the oven. “Ah-ha!” she exclaims.
“What?”
“Don’t pretend I don’t know that your face shows everything. Even more so when you try to hide it. You’re blushing. Something happened, now spill it.”
“My face is red from the heat of the oven,” I say. Now it’s my turn to get defensive.
“Absolutely not, it was red at the table. Now tell me what happened.”
I set the casserole down on the kitchen island.
“I kissed her.” The confession comes out quietly but something about letting it out relieves just a little bit more tension in my chest. One glance in Amelia’s direction and I see her eyes light up like a one thousand lumen flashlight.
I give her a look that makes her look away and get the hope in her eyes under control.
“You kissed her,” she says slowly and calmly. “And then what?” I can practically feel her body vibrate next to mine.
“I pulled back and I saw the shock in her eyes and I fucking bailed. I walked away. I went home.”
“When was this?” she asks.
“Two weeks ago.”
“Two weeks?? Have you seen her since? Did she say anything?”
“No, and no. She stood there stock still with a look on her face that made me feel like I fucked everything up. And I bailed and came home and I haven’t seen or heard from her since. And honestly, it’s driving me fucking crazy.”
“Well, did she kiss you back?” I stop and think about it for a moment. Her soft lips moved in time with mine. Replaying the moment, I realize she welcomed my kiss, she didn’t shy away from it. Her beautiful pink lips parted for me. So why haven’t I seen her since?
“Yeah, she did.”
She pulls her head back and here come the furrowed brows again. “Then what’s the problem?”
“For one, I haven’t seen her in two weeks. Just because she kissed me back doesn’t mean she doesn’t regret it now.”
Amelia stays silent for a second and then that hopeful look reappears in her eyes. “I would bet money on the fact that she enjoyed it but for some reason is telling herself she shouldn’t.”
“Somehow that doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“Think about it, she just moved here. She just completely restarted her life. Even if she loved everything about that kiss, it complicates things. Starting a relationship with you, her neighbor, complicates this new life that she so carefully put together. Maybe she just needs some time to figure it all out.”
I nod my head, understanding how that makes sense but the ache is not dissipating. Cami walks in the door though and the conversation is put to rest for the night. We eat dinner and play a regrettable game of monopoly before Cami and Amelia leave me on my own again.